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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU sorry another wedding thread

115 replies

anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 00:29

Have NC for this and sorry if its long and a bit vague but some info might out me.

My Dsis has announced she is getting married end of next year. She is middle aged and this will be her first marriage - her DP been married before and has 5 grown up DC.

They have decided to get married at a place that holds special memories for them which is about 5 hours away from our home town. The invite she has sent is addressed to my whole family which includes my DH and 2 DC. BUT, a note along with it has explained that the registar office they plan to use can only take 15 guests and so only my siblings (3 in addition to me), her DP's children and her DP's siblings will be allowed in to watch the ceremony. Anybody else attending will have to wait outside and then can be included in the photos. They then plan that we all go for a pub lunch and then go our separate ways.

As they plan to have ceremony mid morning on the Saturday, we would need to travel on the Friday and stop over. Having costing it up, with hotel, fuel, etc it will come to a tidy sum which I can't really afford and my DH is a bit nonplussed to spend a lot of money for him and DC to stand outside for half an hour and then have pub lunch.

I did ask Dsis if she will be having get together in our home town when they come back for those who cannot travel and she said no.

AIBU not to go? I do understand that as the bride she can make whatever decisions she wants but AIBU not to think that maybe she could have asked around first as to who would go and then sort out a venue that we could all fit into?

OP posts:
grannytomine · 06/08/2015 13:46

So lets see, ten hours driving, petrol, hotel rooms, food etc so that one of you can attend a registry office wedding for what ten minutes? Then a pub lunch that you might be paying for yourself. I think I would give it a miss. Your sister is entitled to have the wedding she wants but she can hardly be surprised if people don't bother to attend when she has given little thought to entertaining her guests.

I might be a little unusual as I declined an invitation to my sons wedding as it was in a country I didn't want to visit and would have cost a small fortune. I am very close to my son and it didn't cause any problems. He could see my point of view and I didn't ask him to change his plans.

Babayaggatheboneylegged · 06/08/2015 13:57

I had a slightly similar problem at my wedding. We got married in a pub with a sort of ante-room where they did the ceremonies, but the registrar was really strict about the number allowed in the room (can't remember now, but it might have been 60 and due to having big families we had invited 120 to the wedding - everyone was coming to everything, there was no separate evening do)

The 'ceremony' room had glass walls, so guests could see what was going on inside, and while I wasn't thrilled about it, I thought that people would just accept it, after all, civil ceremonies are REALLY short, but some really close friends totally kicked off about it - all 'what's the point in coming if we miss the ceremony' etc. etc. In the end, we got screens set up in the pub and a friend filmed the ceremony, which was 'televised' in the bar for anyone who didn't get into the smaller room. Several of my extended family were only too happy to watch our nuptials from the bar, pint (from the free bar) in hand, and someone said it was like watching a wedding from Neighbours!

It's a tricky one, but I think for a sister, I'd just go. If it's a civil ceremony, it WILL be really short, and you can guarantee your kids won't feel like they're suffering for missing that bit of the day.

Whocansay · 06/08/2015 13:58

I would probably go on my own, but I certainly wouldn't bring DH and DCs and make them wait around to be props in photos.

I don't understand all the nonsense above saying 'but she's your sister, of course you should make the effort' (I paraphrase). If you're going that route, it has to work both ways. The Bride isn't making any effort for her siblings. She's giving them a load a cost and inconvenience to celebrate her 'special day'.

OTheHugeManatee · 06/08/2015 14:00

Why don't you go on your own for the ceremony, and your DP come up with the kids on the day for lunch? That will save on hotel and they won't be hanging around.

Itsmine · 06/08/2015 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 14:10

Thanks all, some mixed responses.

I really do wish to see her on her wedding day and will probably end up going alone. Unfortunately I do not drive, although my DH does, so I will need to get train the night before and stop over unless I can catch a lift from anyone else going. Money is a bit tight and we do live from payday to payday but as pp have said, I do have a year to get something together.

OP posts:
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 06/08/2015 14:47

I don't really see the problem with the ceremony. After all it'll probably only be about 20 minutes so it's not exactly long for them to entertain themselves for. The pub lunch I can't quite decide on. Whilst in general I'm all for low key, low cost weddings, it does seem a bit much to get everyone to go that sort of distance. If they wanted to do something like that why couldn't they have a big meal together in your home town to celebrate instead?

I'd probably go, but not sure about taking the kids. If it's a nice area I'd try and see if you could turn it into a bit of a break - hire a caravan or something to keep costs down.

Theycallmemellowjello · 06/08/2015 16:04

YABVU! Can't believe you'd even consider not going to your sister's wedding. How would you feel if your own kids did this? And your DH and kids don't have to 'stand outside' for an hour and a half - they can go for a coffee or something. Or as PPs have said, just go alone.

maninawomansworld · 06/08/2015 16:04

YANBU not to go. When choosing a wedding venue / time / day etc that may be awkward for some guests you run the risk of some not being able to make it - that's just life.
If it's too much trouble / cost then don't go but YWBVU to get annoyed with her for having the venue she wants for her own wedding.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 06/08/2015 16:13

I don't understand the desperatation people often seem to have for their children, husbands etc to be physically in the same room when their sibling says 'I do'. I would not shed a tear if I didn't get to see my aunts say I do, I would still be really happy for her that she was happy, but I'd not give a flying fuck about being in the room when it happened!

BoopTheLoop · 06/08/2015 16:39

I can't imagine my relationship with my siblings ever recovering of I didn't bother to go to their wedding.

It's a drive, not a trek across the arctic.

Headofthehive55 · 06/08/2015 17:02

For me the wedding is the ceremony. Been to countless weddings. Never been to one which I didn't see the ceremony!

Mrsjayy · 06/08/2015 17:07

She is your sister go to her wedding leave the kids at home if you dont want them to stand outside it will be 20 minutes maximum in and out go to your sisters wedding

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 06/08/2015 17:09

I would go on my own.

Five hours is a long way to go if all your DH and DC are going to do is hang around then go for a pub for lunch. Go by yourself and have a good time.

mochindu · 06/08/2015 17:13

Could it be that what your sister and her DP actually want is a very low-key wedding in a place that hold special memories for them both, but they're MN regulars who have read all the children not invited threads nervous about offending family and friends by not inviting everyone and their kids?

bigbumtheory · 06/08/2015 17:19

Have you spoken to your Dsis OP? She and her groom may not realise many will find it difficult or be offended and not bother, or be unable to come because of distance and expense.

They shouldn't and probably won't change her mind but if a lot of people cancel or plan to come without the rest of their family then letting them know might make them think about doing something closer too or putting on a reception.

Could you not make a weekend out of it with other family members?

paranoidmother · 06/08/2015 17:28

My sis in law announced that we wouldn't be able to afford going to her wedding in Cuba three and a bit years ago. We didn't go and didn't send anything apart from a bottle of champagne. As we hadn't she didn't talk to us for three years. We saw her last week for the first time in 3 years to be introduced to fiancée number 4 and told we're getting married next July. I'm assuming we won't be invited! Husband no.3 lasted 4 weeks! He was number 2 also and number 1 never made it down the aisle!

achieve6 · 06/08/2015 17:50

paranoidmother - your SIL told you you wouldn't be able to afford her wedding, and then got cross when you couldn't afford her wedding?

Original poster
anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 17:54

To answer some of your questions.

I know DH and DC could wait outside (or more likely go to the pub!) for 20/30 minutes but I have only ever been to one registry office wedding which held 50 ish seated and some standing so thought it was very unusual for a limit of 15.

DH has now offered to drive and come with me for the day but I am a bit concerned with him doing 10 hours driving.

As I said in one of my previous posts, I do think DSis is in a difficult situation .. if she didn't invite everyone then some will complain and if she invites everyone but cannot accommodate them then some will complain ...

OP posts:
Charley50 · 06/08/2015 17:59

It's not that difficult. You and DH go together as your last post says, make a nice weekend of it for the both of you. Book somewhere cheap to stay now. Travelodge or air bnb, or just a bog standard B and B. It's doable. Presume that the newlyweds are paying for the meal. t doesn't have to cost you a fortune. It's your sister.

MsDarksbane · 06/08/2015 18:05

I had a similar issue with a family member who chose to get married 380 miles away from where both the bride and groom's family and friends lived. She then got exceptionally offended and, frankly, rude when people started RSVP'ing to say they wouldn't be able to do it. I was one of those people - it was way too far to drive for a day (and I couldn't share the driving, either, so partner would have had to do it all), hotels and whatnot would have cost a fortune, and our baby was due the same week.

I do agree people absolutely have the right to get married when and where they want and I don't necessarily think they should plan around everyone else - but they should, if planning something miles away or somewhere expensive for people to attend, accept that not everyone is going to be able to make it.

If it were for my sister, assuming you are close, I think I would go on my own for a couple of days if funds allow, to be there for her. If you genuinely can't afford it (and trust me, I know that sometimes saving simply isn't an option!) then do talk to her. She's your sister, I'm sure she wants you there and she may be willing to help you out.

loveareadingthanks · 06/08/2015 18:12

I live opposite a registry office and quite like watching the weddings. It isn't at all unusual to have a group of people waiting in the garden while the ceremony happens - some registry offices are quite small. They all seem to enjoy themselves, chat, mingle, etc and then join in with the photos outside.
They look like normal happy wedding guests to me.

It's not really the couple's fault if the room is very small. It's all very well saying use somewhere else but that adds massively to the costs, you have to find a registered premises, pay for that, and then also pay for registrar to come out. Unless you are having the full day/reception most venues charge a fair bit for the ceremony room hire.

It sounds like quite a nice laid-back wedding to me. Even the pub lunch. Informal. Lots of mixing and chatting.

She's your sister. Go.

hackmum · 06/08/2015 18:16

YANBU.

This is nuts. Who is going to make a 10-hour round car journey just for a pub lunch? No-one with any sense. If she doesn't have the courtesy to choose a venue big enough to accommodate close family, or hold a proper reception, then why should anyone make any effort for her?

PurpleDaisies · 06/08/2015 18:21

If it was a not very close friend I'd say skip it. But this is your sister. I totally agree it is a real pain in the butt and she hasn't thought at all about her guests, but it is your sister. How do you think your relationship would be in the future if you didn't go?

Moan about it to your friends/oh (you are definitely entitled) but go anyway because she is your sister.

whois · 06/08/2015 18:26

I would leave DH and children and go on my own. It's your sisters wedding!