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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU sorry another wedding thread

115 replies

anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 00:29

Have NC for this and sorry if its long and a bit vague but some info might out me.

My Dsis has announced she is getting married end of next year. She is middle aged and this will be her first marriage - her DP been married before and has 5 grown up DC.

They have decided to get married at a place that holds special memories for them which is about 5 hours away from our home town. The invite she has sent is addressed to my whole family which includes my DH and 2 DC. BUT, a note along with it has explained that the registar office they plan to use can only take 15 guests and so only my siblings (3 in addition to me), her DP's children and her DP's siblings will be allowed in to watch the ceremony. Anybody else attending will have to wait outside and then can be included in the photos. They then plan that we all go for a pub lunch and then go our separate ways.

As they plan to have ceremony mid morning on the Saturday, we would need to travel on the Friday and stop over. Having costing it up, with hotel, fuel, etc it will come to a tidy sum which I can't really afford and my DH is a bit nonplussed to spend a lot of money for him and DC to stand outside for half an hour and then have pub lunch.

I did ask Dsis if she will be having get together in our home town when they come back for those who cannot travel and she said no.

AIBU not to go? I do understand that as the bride she can make whatever decisions she wants but AIBU not to think that maybe she could have asked around first as to who would go and then sort out a venue that we could all fit into?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 06/08/2015 18:28

Are your chilren old enough to be left get a travel lodge or premier inn and stay over if you book far in advance you get it cheap.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 06/08/2015 18:30

If I were your DH I wouldn't drive for 10 hours just for a pub lunch.

Your sister and her DH2B have the right to have the wedding they want. They don't have the right to expect people to pay out for travel/accommodation just to go to the pub.

I agree with what achieve6 says.

annandale · 06/08/2015 20:29

But it isn't a pub lunch, it's a sister's wedding lunch. A bit of inconvenience for sure, but this is about the dh becoming a brother in law, dc gaining an uncle/aunt (checked OP, not sure of DP gender...)

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 06/08/2015 20:40

If the sister is that bothered about gaining a bil and nephews, she would have invited them to the ceremony, or had a ceremony with room for all.

If you're going to get married five hours abroad, or five hours away from anyone, then you have to expect that some people may decide not to go.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 06/08/2015 20:41

If you're going to get married abroad, or five hours away, that should have said.

Hot2TrotNowFit2Flop · 06/08/2015 20:45

Weddings are an entirely selfish affair. I'd go by myself if I were you, however was easiest for you.
I'm going to a wedding soon where children aren't invited. The only shame is we don't have anyone to leave our kids all day and evening with. I'm breastfeeding my youngest who is too young to wean to food yet. I'm convinced that I'll be frowned upon for not attending for long but my elderly mother can't have one child all day let alone two.
Think I'm just going to discreetly slink off very early.

Bunbaker · 06/08/2015 20:46

"but I am a bit concerned with him doing 10 hours driving."

I wouldn't do 10 hours of driving in one day. Is there a possibility that you could learn to drive before then?

If not could you stay in a cheap B & B or Travel Lodge for one night? They aren't expensive at all.

Lavenderice · 06/08/2015 20:49

YABU for feeling the need to point that she is 'middle-aged', YABU to bitch about her choice of venue and YWOuldBeVeryUnreasonable to miss your sisters wedding.

sleeponeday · 06/08/2015 21:13

Could you not go with one of your siblings? Split the petrol costs, and solve the transport issue.

I would want to go, but not take the kids/spouse in this situation.

I'd go by hook or by crook, though, if you're close.

cathcustard · 06/08/2015 21:14

Five hours too long for a day. Your DSis must know it'll be tricky for you if you don't drive.
Is there a station in the town? Train tickets booked well in advance can be reasonably cheap and a Travelodge would cut the costs.
I'd go on my own (would be very sad not to see my DSis get married) and save the extra cash for a family treat at another time.

Bunbaker · 06/08/2015 21:31

"Train tickets booked well in advance can be reasonably cheap"

They might well work out cheaper than the cost of fuel used to drive. I live 4.5 hours away from my sister. A train ticket costs less than the diesel I would use if I was visiting her on my own. Or you could go on a coach - National Express or Megabus.

achieve6 · 06/08/2015 21:52

But the cost still won't come down that much. Even if it comes £50 total, for some of us that's a lot of money.

Why on earth should the OP go to the trouble of learning to drive?! If it was that important that the bride have her sister there, she wouldn't be getting married so far away.

One time I was out of work, a close friend offered to pay my hotel and train ticket to his wedding. I'd be interested to hear if the sister is able to do that or would even offer, but I doubt it as OP is saying she isn't even sure if lunch will be covered. I didn't let him but it meant a lot to me that he offered.

MrsHathaway · 06/08/2015 21:55

YABU for feeling the need to point that she is 'middle-aged',

I thought it was relevant to the venue choice and family circumstances, as it happens.

Bunbaker · 06/08/2015 22:05

"Why on earth should the OP go to the trouble of learning to drive?"

Isn't it a useful life skill to have anyway?

notquitegrownup2 · 06/08/2015 22:18

Yy to staying in a Premier Inn with DH. They are v reasonably priced and then you can avoid the 10 hours drive in one day and make a bit of a weekend of it for yourselves. It isn't ideal, having to travel so far for a pub lunch, but as earlier posters have said, you would regret not going for your sister, and you might even enjoy the break with the two of you there.

lotsoffunandgames · 06/08/2015 22:25

Some people on here are so unnecessarily rude.
YANBU - it is perfectly reasonable to not go if you are struggling financially. If one of my siblings got married far away I would have the same problem and I would be unable to go. I would explain why gently to them.
I wouldn't feel guilty either. Don't be pushed into something that makes you struggle more.

lotsoffunandgames · 06/08/2015 22:27

As for learning to drive.that is very expensive!

whois · 06/08/2015 22:28

t is perfectly reasonable to not go if you are struggling financially

I would much rather pay the £300 petrol, hotel and a bit of spending cash for my sister to come to my wedding than not have her there.

5h drive is not really 'far away'.

reddaisy · 06/08/2015 22:31

If you can afford it, you should go and so should your DH and DC. What are families for if not to be around for the big occasions?

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 06/08/2015 22:42

I didn't follow why the fact she's middle aged was mentioned. Sounded rather derogatory. If you can save up and stay over you must go, especially if you get on. Couldn't imagine missing my sisters's. Shame to make it so difficult to bring the family though. Families are the whole point of weddings, I think.

achieve6 · 06/08/2015 22:43

Reddaisy, family being around for support and in hard times is much more important than occasions.

Bunbaker, depends wher you live, I don't have a car, haven't had one for years and if I drove again, that long journey wouldn't suit me.

The cost of learning to drive must be very high now.

Ive read on MN before that a wedding invite is an invite and not summons. This thread demonstrates why some of us feel it is a summons! Learn to drive, turn it into a weekend away, spend money you can hardly spare, do it because it's your sister., five hours is no distance...these comments are exactly why it feels like a summons.

I have a sister by the way. She wouldn't get married far away if she knew it was a problem for me and actually wanted me there. Then again, I wouldn't mind if she eloped. I don't feel anyone apart from the participants and legals are essential.

Original poster
anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 22:50

Lavenderice - , As I'm 2 years older than DSis then I certainly wasn't having a go at her about her age - I just thought it might give a bit of background info.

Bunbaker - yes I would like to learn to drive and its a useful skill but with lessons at £25 each ish, this is money we do not have spare and it is not often that I have to travel outside my city - its not as if this situation is going to occur every week!

The invite states "followed by a meal at xxxx pub nearby" - I would guess that they are paying but it doesn;t actually say so.

I would not feel comfortable asking them to contribute to my expenses - they are slightly better off than us but certainly not rich.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 06/08/2015 22:51

I think you should totally make the effort for you 'middle aged' sister Confused

You said you see her every month and you are treating this journey in which you have a year to plan as such an inconvenience.

Sad really

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 06/08/2015 22:53

Just a thought, is there a web cam at the venue? Bottle of bubbly and a friend on skype?

mabidaneera · 06/08/2015 23:54

YANBU. If you are this worried now, then getting to the wedding is obviously increasing your stress! Our rule in our house is we all get invited or no-one goes, to both ceremony & reception. I would find it insulting that DH doesn't get an invite to see the ceremony, which to us is the whole point of going to a wedding, especially if it is your sister - seeing her get married! If you can't afford to go, you can't afford to go and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Good luck.