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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU sorry another wedding thread

115 replies

anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 00:29

Have NC for this and sorry if its long and a bit vague but some info might out me.

My Dsis has announced she is getting married end of next year. She is middle aged and this will be her first marriage - her DP been married before and has 5 grown up DC.

They have decided to get married at a place that holds special memories for them which is about 5 hours away from our home town. The invite she has sent is addressed to my whole family which includes my DH and 2 DC. BUT, a note along with it has explained that the registar office they plan to use can only take 15 guests and so only my siblings (3 in addition to me), her DP's children and her DP's siblings will be allowed in to watch the ceremony. Anybody else attending will have to wait outside and then can be included in the photos. They then plan that we all go for a pub lunch and then go our separate ways.

As they plan to have ceremony mid morning on the Saturday, we would need to travel on the Friday and stop over. Having costing it up, with hotel, fuel, etc it will come to a tidy sum which I can't really afford and my DH is a bit nonplussed to spend a lot of money for him and DC to stand outside for half an hour and then have pub lunch.

I did ask Dsis if she will be having get together in our home town when they come back for those who cannot travel and she said no.

AIBU not to go? I do understand that as the bride she can make whatever decisions she wants but AIBU not to think that maybe she could have asked around first as to who would go and then sort out a venue that we could all fit into?

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 11:18

Thanks achieve6, you seem to have it spot on. I probably am BU but it seems to me that they have decided to go on holiday and get married at the same time and the invite comes across as them saying "if you want to come then fine but it doesnt matter to us if you don't".

I understand them wanting a small wedding and if it was a small local one then I could understand not having space for DH and DC and all the other partners and children but if they expect us to travel then part of me thinks they should be more accommodating.

Have spoken to one of my siblings this morning and he has declined as his DP felt offended (admittedly he is a bit under the thumb :) )

OP posts:
Altinkum · 06/08/2015 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

19lottie82 · 06/08/2015 11:32

I do understand why you're miffed OP, but it sounds like your DSis and her DH to be, are having this kind of wedding because they don't have much cash, is that right? It also sounds like you are considering not going because you simply can't be bothered, if my DBro didn't make an appearance at my special day because he CBB, then I'd think that was pretty poor.

I agree with the others, just go yourself and leave DP at home with the DC.

MonkeyPJs · 06/08/2015 11:34

YABU. She's your sister.

Surely your DH doesn't need to "wait outside" but could find something else to do during that time?

Admittedly I am probably biased here - I got married in a registry, was only allowed 16, and my siblings' partners weren't invited either. I don't recall any of them minding, though - if they did, no-one raised it with me.

Pippa12 · 06/08/2015 11:36

IMHO I would suck it up for my sister. If it's next year she's given ample time for you to save for costs, travel, childcare etc. I think people should do exactly what they want for their wedding, after all it is their day.

Crosbybeach · 06/08/2015 11:38

I'd go to my sister's wedding. I might not take everyone with me if I coudn't afford it, but if the kids can be left at home then I'd take DH with me too. As that's not much more expensive.

I had this dilemma, the registry office could only officially take a certain number, which left, potentially about 20 people on the outside. We'd kind of discussed this beforehand and there was probably more than that willingly volunteering to stay in the pub! But MIL chivvied them all inside and packed the room out, much to the registrar's good humoured dismay.

But we then had a reception for everyone afterwards...

ListenWillYou · 06/08/2015 11:42

I'd just go on my own and hang out with my siblings and parents. I think it's fine. I wouldn't be offended.

KinkyAfro · 06/08/2015 11:43

Achieved, I'm getting married this year and we can only afford a small ceremony, I find your comment ...and do lovely things for someone who hadn't even bothered to find a venue to accommodate everyone fucking annoying actually!

MonkeyPJs · 06/08/2015 11:46

Do you / your DH generally have a good relationship with your sister? I only ask as you seemed to have jumped to "I won't go" quite quickly?

Totality22 · 06/08/2015 11:48

Go on your own!!!

achieve6 · 06/08/2015 11:56

Kinky, I realise there is a money issue for some but the OP hasn't said that.

If the sister had called and said "we can't afford a bigger room for everyone to attend but we really are excited to have you all at the reception afterwards" I would feel completely differently. Even the OP doesn't know if her meal is paid for. Why should OP, DH and DC have to deal with the cost and travel of a wedding that it's not necessary for them to even see?

What you are saying is that the OP should fork out for travel, hotel, meal but the idea that the sister should have to pay for anything more than the hire of the small register office doesn't sit well with you. Have I understood that right?

I also think it's odd that there is such a high level of expectation to attend someone's wedding when really the wedding is vitally important to two people. It is another symbol of how weddings have got so out of hand.

My boss got married at the weekend - didn't tell anyone bar 2 sibling witnesses - just four of them in the registry office. Otherwise, it's just asking a bunch of people to travel and pay for ...watching a couple getting married? Big whup. If you can't afford to pay for anything for guests, don't have a big wedding. It's the marriage that's important, you can have a party any time.

It's not fair to have high expectations of guests and no expectation that the couple should also do stuff to take care of guests.

ElementaryMyDearWatson · 06/08/2015 11:56

It could be worth asking whether she's explored other venues in or near the town, though they're bound to be more expensive. I also wonder, is it a nice area? Would it be worth you and DH at least making a long weekend of it and having a mini-break of your own?

achieve6 · 06/08/2015 12:04

anotherweddingthread "Thanks achieve6, you seem to have it spot on. I probably am BU but it seems to me that they have decided to go on holiday and get married at the same time and the invite comes across as them saying "if you want to come then fine but it doesnt matter to us if you don't"."

I'd say you are spot on too Grin
if it is of great importance that people attend your wedding, you don't have it in a place that is hard for them to get. I'm not having a go at your sister, I think it's fine for her to have the wedding she wants if she accepts that some people won't want to go.

I must confess, I RSVP'd yes to a wedding once which the bride told me would be about 2 hours journey from my home. Then I looked it up and it was more like 3.5 (each way). Then I looked at hotel costs and taxis. Then I rang her and said "I'm sorry, I can't afford the overnight stay and I would be awfully nervous being back on the train late at night anyway, so I can either do 7 hours to spend 2 hours with you, or not attend". She immediately agreed the former was stupid and saved me a piece of cake which was delivered via a colleague on the next working day.

we are still friends.

You don't locate your wedding in a place that's far away and then whinge when people don't turn up so I would also guess that your sister isn't that fussy about who comes along.

Original poster
anotherweddingthread · 06/08/2015 12:06

Monkey - I do have good relationship with DSis and admit my first reaction was WTF as I had never heard of a wedding with guests waiting outside, but having read some of the pp I realise it is not unusual.

Having thought about it, I can appreciate that they are in difficult position. If they had got married and not told us until after then I would probably be a bit miffed so to invite everyone and explain the circumstances is perhaps the better option.

OP posts:
Heels99 · 06/08/2015 12:09

I would go by myself.

5Foot5 · 06/08/2015 12:58

I think YABU. Wild horses wouldn't keep me from my DSis wedding and it really isn't unheard of for a registry office to be too small for everyone. You are all invited to the meal afterwards which will be more fun anyway.

Booboostwo · 06/08/2015 13:02

YABU. I've been to loads of weddings where only a small number of guests could fit in the ceremony venue (small Greek churches) and the guests outside have the better deal. You can talk, move around and have a good time while waiting for the, let's face it, boring ceremony to be over.

achieve6 · 06/08/2015 13:05

notanotherwedding thread "Having costing it up, with hotel, fuel, etc it will come to a tidy sum which I can't really afford and my DH is a bit nonplussed to spend a lot of money for him and DC to stand outside for half an hour and then have pub lunch."

I'm just highlighting that bit because it seems no one has noticed it. Confused

There is a cost issue here too, and time to save doesn't make any difference to the actual amount of money the OP has. Having to save may even mean doing without something important.

I'm currently debating whether or not I can afford a £35 theatre ticket. My eyes nearly fell out of my head when I saw another thread about taking a child to a really top notch restaurant.

That's not a critcism of those who have that money. I'm just wondering how many posters have taken on board the cost issue here. You can't just pretend it isn't there because it's her sister's wedding.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 06/08/2015 13:13

If the kids are old enough to be left at home( if not, maybe your dhs family could babysit) I would take dh and have a lovely weekend with him. It's the ideal wedding to attend really - short ceremony, lunch and then you are free to do what you want. No boring all day affair with lots of hanging around and dodgy wedding food!

Am sure your dh could amuse himself for half an hour and if your other sibling isnt going perhaps yhere would be room for your dh inside after all.

I agree that its an odd choice but I do believe a bride and groom should have what they want for their wedding.

Anyway, I would go and find the positives.

FryOneFatManic · 06/08/2015 13:14

And for those people who say the OP has time to save, if people don't have much income, then a wedding is NOT going to be top of their priority list.

Some people don't even have any spare income to save at all, so it's rather patronising to just say "save".

SilverBirchWithout · 06/08/2015 13:16

It sounds a lovely small and informal wedding suitable for their circumstances. They have tried to not cause any offence by inviting people who may wish to come.

Go if you want to and are able to participate without being a bit sniffy about it. Otherwise politely decline saying it is a long way and you are unwilling to spend so much money.

maddy68 · 06/08/2015 13:20

It's your sister ?

Go!

honeyroar · 06/08/2015 13:23

I can see your points OP, but it's your sister's wedding and it would be sad to miss it. If I were you I'd go alone, either driving down and back on the day, or staying with a sibling for the night. I'd be tempted to arrange a family get together for husbands/wives/siblings that didn't go afterwards with a M&S cake to be cut and shared. So that everyone who didn't go gets to feel included.

Badgerwife · 06/08/2015 13:26

Where I'm from in France, it is very usual for the registry office to be small and only accommodate immediate family, so people waiting outside is not a problem. This said, a pub lunch and no reception is just odd. If it was local to everyone, fair enough. But as a guest I wouldn't expect to travel for hours for a glorified pub lunch. I would happily travel. If I was a good enough friend to be invited to their small wedding, I would want to see them and celebrate for more than a couple of hours, hell I would pay for a bottle of champagne myself! It doesn't seem to acknowledge the fact that people have made the effort to attend from afar.

In answer to your question though, YA still BU, it's your sister, you should go. The rest of your family can stay at home though.

Bunbaker · 06/08/2015 13:28

"If you go alone you could maybe just leave very early and do it in a day"

It's a 5 hour journey each way. I think that wouldn't be a good idea, especially if the OP is driving. I wouldn't do a 10 hour drive in one day without someone to share the driving.