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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you should be able to eat what you fancy aged 92?

145 replies

summerandautumn · 04/08/2015 14:17

Took the DCs to visit a darling family friend yesterday as it was her birthday.

Her family are concerned about her weight gain and have left notes instructing the carers who go in twice a day to only give her porridge for breakfast and only fruit to be given as a pudding after her evening meal.

She isn't 'fat' - tall and solid - but AIBU to think she should be able to just eat whatever she fancies at her age?

OP posts:

grannytomine · 05/08/2015 11:05

If old people should keep their weight down to make life easier for carers couldn't we equally argue that carers should do some weight lifting to make them more able to cope? Neither sounds very reasonable to me.

grannytomine · 05/08/2015 11:06

Just to add I have never eaten porridge in my life and if I live to 92 I hope no one tries to make me eat it.

OOAOML · 05/08/2015 11:16

I have eaten porridge. That's why I have no intention of eating it at the age of 92.

Marynary · 05/08/2015 11:38

what age would it be ok to put on the weight - and perhaps become physically disabled because of it, and have to go to a home with hoists and be confined to a wheelchair because you cannot walk etc - because if we let people "eat what they want" this can happen - my mum is case in point - she is 75, now "too fat for her bones" - her definition - and confined to a chair

Considering that this person has reached the age of 92 without becoming obese I seriously doubt that they are suddenly going to start piling on the pounds to the extent that they need hoists or a wheelchair because they are too obese to walk.

SomewhereIBelong · 05/08/2015 12:02

my mum put it on in 3 years - someone who is 92 could easily live past 100.

Caryam · 05/08/2015 12:07

So what. I would rather live to 94 and eat what I want, than live to a 100 on a restricted diet. When people's lives get restricted, food becomes very important to many of them.

mrbob · 05/08/2015 12:13

To be honest even if she is diabetic who cares what she eats! Keeping sugars under control for TYPE 2 diabetes is all about preventing long term complications- by the time you get to 92 I can't imagine you would care if you developed kidney disease in 10 years! There is often little to give pleasure in life once someone loses their independence and they can do whatever the hell they want as far as I can see (and yup I am a doctor)

thehumanjam · 05/08/2015 12:25

I had this problem with my Dad when he was terminally ill although he was much younger. He was only given a very little time to live but the diet was very prescriptive. He had diabetes that at that point hadn't produced any complications and yet they wanted to stop him eating so many foods because of his diabetes which was the least of his worries.

When he was discharged from hospital social services went shopping for him. They bought him potatoes that they expected him to peel (he could barely leave his bed) and porridge oats with instructions on how to soak them. My Dad had no appetite at all and the thought of having to prepare anything was just too much for him. When I visited him I bought some meals that just needed reheating as well some processed microwaveable foods that he was more likely to eat. They contained more sugar than recommended, he had been given weeks to live, the sugar wasn't going to hurt. As it turned out he didn't eat anything at all after this point.

Days before my Dad died he was put onto the Liverpool Pathway programme and the nurse said "the good news is he can now eat whatever he feels like" . He was barely conscious by this point. I sometimes think that common sense goes out of the window with some medical staff.

Marynary · 05/08/2015 12:31

my mum put it on in 3 years - someone who is 92 could easily live past 100.

Your mother was much younger than 92 though was she? Was she really a healthy weight right up to the age of 72 and then suddenly obese to the extent that she needed hoist/wheelchair.

MorrisZapp · 05/08/2015 12:34

My gran is in a care home now but was happily independent at home until age 88. Throughout her eighties she dropped one pleasure after another on 'doctors orders'.

To be fair, I'm sure her doctor just gave her advice and didn't order her to do anything, but she is of the generation who unquestioningly obey doctors.

She cut down on tea, biscuits, fried food etc etc despite these being among her favourite treats.

Her choice of course but it made me sad. Why on earth should a wee widowed woman in her eighties bother cutting out treats as her friends all fall off their perches and her world rapidly shrinks?

As pp say, I'm on the treats all day diet once I've outlived my friends and have no family duties to perform.

MorrisZapp · 05/08/2015 12:39

As a wider debate,I'm also thoroughly pissed off with doctors and care home staff trying to prolong my grans life at this point. She's 92, has no quality of life and wants to be 'gone'.

Yet they gave her a jag to prevent pneumonia in winter. Why? Pneumonia would carry her off peacefully ffs. I guess they're all scared of lawsuits etc so just keep preserving life for no reason.

I will make my feelings on this abundantly clear if I ever reach a similar place in my life.

MrsMcColl · 05/08/2015 12:41

Agree, Morris. Extreme old age - if accompanied by dementia and extreme physical frailty - can be miserable and undignified. I hope I never have to go through it.

tvlover1234 · 05/08/2015 12:43

Pneumonia is not a peaceful death I can assure you.

fishboneschokus · 05/08/2015 12:48

That's a different thread, Morris.

I'd love to read peoples' opinions if you start it.
I've considered starting one myself on that subject but I haven't got an informed opinion; I just want to hear other pops views and experiences.

My uninformed opinion and experience is that I agree with you.

lilacblossomtime · 05/08/2015 12:53

Even if it is sensible for her to watch her weight, which I think it is, she can still enjoy all her favourite foods in limited amounts. It's easy to fit some biscuits, a piece of cake or pudding into a daily calorie allowance. If she doesn't care for porridge, there are other healthy alternatives. The important thing is to maintain her quality of life but keep the diet reasonable and of course bear in mind any medical conditions. In a nursing home clients with dementia are always offered a choice of food and its clear nice food is something they can enjoy, so very important to them.

Marynary · 05/08/2015 12:56

Yet they gave her a jag to prevent pneumonia in winter. Why?

I don't agree that they shouldn't give people medical treatment just because of their age though. It should be the persons choice. I presume that they didn't force her to have the jag?

MorrisZapp · 05/08/2015 14:13

No of course she wasn't forced. But she wasn't asked if she would like it, and as I say she never questions health care professionals.

My gran is very much 'do not rescusitate' on her notes but she wouldn't think to refuse a jag or other medicine. She just swallows what they give her.

I'm sorry if I upset anybody who has seen a loved one die of pneumonia. I know little about it I admit, but I know they call it the old man's friend.

Marynary · 05/08/2015 14:30

No of course she wasn't forced. But she wasn't asked if she would like it, and as I say she never questions health care professionals.

They should ask if she wants medical treatment if she is compos mentis. Do you know that they didn't ask or are you just assuming?

drudgetrudy · 05/08/2015 15:18

This thread is really about an individual's human right to make their own choices. Unless someone lacks mental capacity their family's wishes do not trump their own. The lady in the OP is not seriously overweight but, if someone is, all that can be done is to explain the risks and consequences (eg-it will not be possible for you to go out in the car-or even "you are likely to die") and then let them make their own decisions.

Metacentric · 05/08/2015 15:34

Unless someone lacks mental capacity their family's wishes do not trump their own.

Even when someone does lack mental capacity their family's wishes do not trump other factors.

If there is a health and social care power of attorney in place, that alters things; someone holding such a PoA can refuse consent for treatment even when that refusal is not in the patients' best interests. It dramatically moves the bar because it gives the holder of the PoA the same rights over consent as the person themselves. They're new, there isn't a lot of (any?) case law, we'll find out what courts make of claims that a PoA holder is behaving manifestly unreasonably and how that differs from a court's ability to demand someone be treated without consent, which is a very high bar indeed.

But if there isn't a PoA, the test is "best interests" as determined by professionals, respecting the advice of relatives, but possibly rejecting the advice. The status of a "next of kin" for making treatment decisions was always rather vague, and with the presence of HSC PoAs is even less powerful.

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