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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you should be able to eat what you fancy aged 92?

145 replies

summerandautumn · 04/08/2015 14:17

Took the DCs to visit a darling family friend yesterday as it was her birthday.

Her family are concerned about her weight gain and have left notes instructing the carers who go in twice a day to only give her porridge for breakfast and only fruit to be given as a pudding after her evening meal.

She isn't 'fat' - tall and solid - but AIBU to think she should be able to just eat whatever she fancies at her age?

OP posts:

InTheBox · 04/08/2015 14:41

Jesus, if you can't have a biscuit when you're 92 then when can you

Agreed.

Andrewofgg · 04/08/2015 14:42

Even if she is diabetic she should be allowed to eat what she enjoys- if it kills her, God Almighty, we're all going to die and at that age it really does not matter if she goes a bit sooner and enjoys her last days.

Sazzle41 · 04/08/2015 14:44

Unless she has underlying health issues that weight gain will compound, biscuits and cake at 92 arent really going to hasten her end, are they ?

I'd say just forgetfulness is mild dementia - having seen my GF's deterioration from Alzheimer's and other dementia sufferers in the private healthcare place my father passed away in. (He was there for other terminal illness). If it was severe, she'd be in a care home, so she cant be too bad Arendelle.

FurryDogMother · 04/08/2015 14:44

My Dad's 88, with dementia, and I indulge him as much as I can! He enjoys a drink, his cigars, chocolate digestives and Bournville, and even sucks glacier mints in bed :) Now is not the time to be policing his food choices - so long as he's getting good nutrition in (and I make sure he is), as well as the treats, that's fine with me!

TribbleNamedDave · 04/08/2015 14:44

Blinking heck, she's 92! I'd be having my cake and bloody eating it at that age. Why the hell not. Unless she's the size of a blimp and requires a bariactric ambulance, then YANBU.

Reubs15 · 04/08/2015 14:46

I'm a carer and you go with what the service user wants not their family. If it was for a health reason such as diabetes it would still be up to the service user what they wanted to eat.
This is of course as long as she has the mental capacity to make these decisions.

SomewhereIBelong · 04/08/2015 14:47

what age would it be ok to put on the weight - and perhaps become physically disabled because of it, and have to go to a home with hoists and be confined to a wheelchair because you cannot walk etc - because if we let people "eat what they want" this can happen - my mum is case in point - she is 75, now "too fat for her bones" - her definition - and confined to a chair -

and she says "I'm not going to be around much longer, I'll eat what I want" ALL the time - she could have 20 years left - all of them sat in a chair..... :( all for wont of a carer being told - "no doughnuts".

nokidshere · 04/08/2015 14:47

It's really mean and totally unnecessary. My 95 year old MIL eats more sweet snacks than real food these days because often a kit Kat is all she can manage. The only reason she has stopped her evening sherry is because she is worried about falling over!

nokidshere · 04/08/2015 14:49

It doesn't matter somewhereibelong because as an adult who has all her faculties it is her decision alone.

wafflyversatile · 04/08/2015 14:53

Even if cake was going to hasten her end she should still have it if she wants! What is the use to eking your life out to 93 if you can't have cake when you want it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2015 14:57

This is very worrying to me. When I worked for SS I was asked all the time to 'stop' clients eating something or drinking something. Only if I believed they lacked capacity to understand (so eating rotten chicken, for example, without knowing they would get sick) was I going to interfere. FFS people are allowed to make their own decisions and it makes me very angry that people infantilise the old and people with LDs.

diddl · 04/08/2015 15:01

If they are worried about her weight then it might be better to look at portion sizes rather than cut stuff out.

BarbarianMum · 04/08/2015 15:04

I think it's fine for her to eat what she wants if she can understand the consequences of her choices. Personally, I wouldn't be too quick to say 'it doesn't matter at 92, we've all got to die sometime' unless she is happy with that. I wouldn't want to spend my last years immobile, or blind through diabetes, or taking loads of drugs to reduce my blood pressure if it could be avoided (and I love puddings).

Birdsgottafly · 04/08/2015 15:05

Is she still mobile?

Does her dementia or meds increase her appetite?

Does she forget that she has eaten and so is overeating?

That's what the starting point of questioning this would be.

Then what would the consequences of her having free rein?

Are they being told to encourage fruit, or deny her what she's asking for?

The package supplied by SS has to be rigid and it may be that the family go in and enjoy tea and biscuits with her and if that's been her thing (with visiting Grand children etc), then it will work as a memory aid.

It's sometimes a complex situation.

Birdsgottafly · 04/08/2015 15:07

Just to add, the consequences of being left to eat when she wants, could be the losing of the health she has, or mobility.

It's what you have to live with, not just what will kill you.

ArendelleQueen · 04/08/2015 15:09

It's not complex at all. Assuming she has capacity, she can make the decision to eat biscuits even if it would negatively harm her health. The law is crystal clear on this.

Fizzielove · 04/08/2015 15:10

If I make it to 92 I intend to eat what I want, smoke, drink and take whatever recreational drugs I can get my elderly hands on!!

SomewhereIBelong · 04/08/2015 15:13

I've seen family confined to wheelchairs, lost feet, blind, bedsores from being fat and diabetic - but kept alive through medication. Like Birds says - it is what you - and your family- have to LIVE with, not just what will kill you.

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/08/2015 15:16

Sorry, I think YABU. Have you actually discussed this with the lady in question or her family? I presume you're not privy to her medical records/conversations with doctors, whereas presumably it is family members taking her to medical appointments and working out a care plan together. Basically you have no idea of knowing whether this is on medical advice, and whether it has been agreed between the lady and her family. Just because the family are the one's leaving instructions to the carers it doesn't mean that they are doing it against the lady's will or anything. If she actually said that she was being prevented from eating what she wanted that's a different matter, but instructions for what to give her for lunch are not a problem.

SenecaFalls · 04/08/2015 15:19

It's my understanding that dementia can often actually increase the desire for sweet foods. It seems wrong to me to deny someone that pleasure when their world is otherwise growing narrower and narrower, unless there are other serious medical implications.

FernGullysWoollyPully · 04/08/2015 15:21

I'm going to sound like I'm on a soapbox here and that is not my intention but from another side:

My gran at 91 had dementia. Couldn't make informed decisions about her care or well being. She'd had her gall bladder removed a number of years beforehand and needed a diet that was minimal fat because it made her feel poorly and resulted in sickness and diahorrea. Since her op, she'd always been strict with herself about it but when dementia hit, it was forgotten.

Her carers knew she wasn't allowed much chocolate, sweet and fatty things but our well meaning relatives took the same approach, that she should be allowed to eat what she liked. My mum would try to stop her but they were persistent, taking cakes and chocs to her.

Eventually, the bowel problems her diet caused led to multiple uti's and eventually a really serious prolapse which she was hospitalised for.

She was extremely ill in the end and never left hospital.

Metacentric · 04/08/2015 15:21

Basically you have no idea of knowing whether this is on medical advice

The threshold past which people are deemed incapable of rejecting medical advice is quite a high one. Just because a doctor gives advice doesn't mean you have to follow it, and the test for forcing someone to take medical advice without their consent usually involves medical professionals and court orders.

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/08/2015 15:28

But the point is that there is no reason to think that the lady's will is being overridden. There are just some notes on what she should be given for lunch. Tbh I am thinking of my nan, who is underweight and has mild dementia. She might say she doesn't feel like eating anything, but then if you say 'remember that conversation with Dr Singh and how he said that it was important for you to eat enough' she'll say oh well yes I'd better eat something. Dementia affects the short term memory and you might not remember to take every pill, eat what the Dr orders, etc. But that does emphatically not mean that you have not given informed consent to a care plan which involves you being given your pills at a certain time, given foods that conform to medical advice etc. In fact, if such a care plan had been agreed, feeding someone biscuits because they'd forgotten the doctor had told them not to eat them would be going against their will.

I just think that it unjustified to say that a person with dementia is being abused on the strength of a note left saying what they should have for lunch.

LazyLohan · 04/08/2015 15:30

I think it's none of your business because you are not party to her medical history or the opinions of her doctor.

My Grandad died from eating what he wanted because he and my Gran didn't really understand diabetes/pre-diabetes and why and how he should change his diet. It would have been helpful to have carers to help guide them and may have saved his life.

You really have no idea why they've done this and it is really not your business, her family will know far better than you what her needs are.

Janeymoo50 · 04/08/2015 15:34

Yes and no, my mum got to a point where she needed carers. Before that she simply ate "rubbish", she'd basically live on those mini Mr Kiplings cake bars and cups of tea mainly because she a) couldn't face cooking or b) couldn't be bothered cooking (I had meals portioned up for her in the freezer etc). When she had carers I used to leave notes about food, mainly about her actually eating anything (I didn't care what, just as long as she ate) because she literally stopped (whole other story).

The family of the old lady may simply be trying to do their best but yes, I sort of think she should be able to have treats - a nice cake each afternoon would make such a difference.

I'd give anything, anything, to be able to go and have a cup of tea with my mum this afternoon and take her a fresh cream merangue which she adored (she died last year, I miss her so much it makes me ache).

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