To think you should be able to eat what you fancy aged 92?

[summerandautumn]

Took the DCs to visit a darling family friend yesterday as it was her birthday.

Her family are concerned about her weight gain and have left notes instructing the carers who go in twice a day to only give her porridge for breakfast and only fruit to be given as a pudding after her evening meal.

She isn't 'fat' - tall and solid - but AIBU to think she should be able to just eat whatever she fancies at her age?

this thread has made me quite teary.

My 85 year old mother passed away 5 days ago

She pretty much lived on ice cream for the last 6 months of her life. This did not contribute to her death in any way. If she'd known she was going to die suddenly on the day she did, she'd have probably moved onto the 'fuck the healthy eating just passed me the chocolate and ice cream diet a bit sooner.

Thenightsky
(Flowers)
How well her family looked after her and respected her wishes and dignity.
That is exactly what I would want.

nighsky

My granny is 96, lives independently, no carers, travels, goes to her clubs, etc.
If someone took away her biscuits she would hurt them. Ditto her evening G&T.
(Wonders where to buy her a big fat doob)

So very sorry about your mum thenightsky.

what age would it be ok to put on the weight - and perhaps become physically disabled because of it, and have to go to a home with hoists and be confined to a wheelchair because you cannot walk etc - because if we let people "eat what they want" this can happen - my mum is case in point - she is 75, now "too fat for her bones" - her definition - and confined to a chair

This is pretty much what happened to my grandmother. She was allowed to eat far too much, which made her too heavy for my family to lift her safely, so she had to go into a home. If she were allowed she would have eaten all day. She had terrible pain in her legs which meant she could no longer walk related to her weight. All the posters saying that the lady's family are being mean, maybe they want her to spend her last days being as active and healthy as she can, for her own comfort.

I don't think anyone is arguing that anyone should be denied pleasures for the sake of it. Just that a glance at some notes instructing what foods should be given for lunch might not be enough to conclude that an old lady's family are terrible people who deny an old woman the food she wants.

My Nan has dementia and is in a nursing home. She used to have a huge appetite but once her dementia became more advanced she started refusing food. It was terrifying how quickly the weight dropped off her. It was soul destroying trying to coax her into eating the (lovely, balanced, nutritious) meals the home prepared for her and then, when it became clear that that wasn't going to work, those horrible food replacement milkshakes. I was a bit surprised when one day she just blurted out "Jaffa cakes". I ran straight out to get some and she ate half the box in one sitting. Her doctors response was "at this point in time, I don't care if she has Jaffa cakes for three meals a day as long as she enjoys them"

So now she basically lives on Jaffa Cakes and the occassional yoghurt. We know she's not going to be with us much longer but we also know that has nothing to do with the Jaffa cakes.

Unless your friend is overeating to the point of making herself unwell then, personally, I wouldn't begrudge her anything at 92. I expect her family are simply trying to do what they feel is best for her rather than actually trying to deprive her but I do see your point.

My lovely old nan is 96 and loves her food. Her saying is 'she doesn't eat to live, she lives to eat'!

I get her all sorts of naughty treats from M&S as I work there, she loves it!

The point is that it doesn't matter if the family are trying to do their best for her, if she has diabetes, if she is overweight, if she has to go into a home etc et ...

The point is that if she has capacity then she is a grown adult who can make her own decisions however poor her choices might be. All anyone can do is make sure they have the salient facts so they make an informed cjpice

My.nan is 90 and diabetic. The doctors tell us we can give her what she likes but just keep an eye on her sugar. Friends families that I know don't let their diabetic families elderly ones have what they want and I think it's cruel.

My nan says I'm 90 I can eat what I.bloody want!! Lol.

I think it's the same. So what if she gains a little weight. She's 90 odd! That's her living a little bless her x

nightsky

I am NOK for my 87 year old Uncle, and I had an interesting conversation with the Head Nurse in his nursing home recently. She told me that they had decided to cut back on his puddings as his last cholesterol reading was a little high. FFS he is 87! I understand they have to look after his health (to justify the mahoosive weekly costs aswell), but I told her in no uncertain terms that if he wanted a pudding he was to bloody have one. If he wanted a line of coke and a vodka chaser after his dinner of an evening that would be fine by me.

He loves it when we take him out to the pub and he can have a pint and a huge steak. It pisses him off that they don't serve steak in the home as he is the only resident with thier own teeth!

Dad has diabetes and is 83, he eats lots of sugar and he is getting fatter and fatter. He has lost feeling in his feet, we fear amputation is not far off....it will kill my dad to be immobile in a wheelchair. The sugar is delievering a slow and painful death but my mum has a sweet tooth and they like indulging together....it's all very upsetting.

DH nan died two years ago aged nearly 97, in latter years she ate nothing but cake and drank port and brandy in the afternoon before her nap. We thought good on her!!

She was very lucky as she was fully independent until just a few months before she died, and goodness she hated being in a home for those few months!!

My DM died a year ago just before her 90th birthday, she was in a nursing home due to dementia. She also had diabetes which was well controlled.

We had the opposite problem, the home was very reluctant to give her much if anything in the way of sweet treats or puddings, which she loved, despite us saying that we were happy for her to have desserts or afternoon cake.

She had a healthy appetite to the end but was not at all overweight, she was very petite and weighed about six stone dripping wet.

Sadly she had very few pleasures left in life in her final years EXCEPT eating (she always loved her food, goodness knows how she stayed slim), so we had many spats with the home; we felt she ate a healthy and varied diet and should have a piece of cake or a couple of decent biscuits (NOT bloody Rich Tea) in the afternoon, especially as she could see cake being given to other residents, and did not understand why she couldn't have any. I thought that was really unnecessarily cruel.

So we would take her a small cake or couple of biscuits in when we visited, and leave a packet in her room, (some of the carers agree to give them with her bedtime drink). But generally It was bloody difficult to get past the Home's mindset that "diabetics can't have anything sweet' despite it being insulin controlled.

And the stupidest thing of all was that they were absolutely fine with giving her a (very sugary) commercial fruit yoghurt (yoghurt - it must be healthy!) for her pudding while other residents got steamed sponge and custard.

She died of pneumonia in the end, after a bout of shingles. I still feel anger and guilt that she was denied little treats in her final years when it would have meant so much to her.

The problem with diabetes is losing limbs, being unable to walk - it's not about getting fat, although getting fat and having no use of your legs is a double whammy in mobility stakes.

Her legs were absolutely fine, as were her feet. In very good shape, in fact. Her diabetes was well controlled. And she was nearly 90. I believe she had vascular dementia and a couple of TIAs after many years of heavy smoking.

Siobhan my 90 year old nan is diabetic, has vascular dementia(not that bad atm) and has TIAS regularly.

We also found out last week she has cancer in her breast and under her arm.

She loves her food a lot. Eats like a horse which our doctor says he loves seeing as many 90 year olds don't.

She lives for eating and shopping! She loves nothing more than to be taken round tesco or primary ans go home to a Chinese curry and fried rice lol! She lives with us currently as we didn't want her going in a home. She's my fav person ever. I do love old people.

Yes, my grandad has trouble walking due to his weight and general degeneration. But he doesn't want to go anywhere these days anyway (unless there's a meal in it). He can't hear, he can't see and he doesn't have the patience or energy any more.

Eating is his only real pleasure now. It is sad. If he was a dog we'd take him to the vets and do the decent thing.

At 92 I plan to eat cakes all day and drink gin and smoke opium. Seriously. Anyone who stands in my way can FTFO. I shall start the fund in my fifties, and squirrel it away til then.

The point is that if she has capacity then she is a grown adult who can make her own decisions however poor her choices might be.

Actually, even people without capacity can make bad choices and are allowed to go unchallenged. That is as it should be!

It depends very much on the impact it will have on their health and their life.

A non diabetic of 92 could/should therefore be allowed to eat a biscuit if they fancy it!

Despite my dad's diabetes and potential limb loss I wouldn't consider denying him a biscuit - but I do think my mum is a feeder and she encourages him to eat sugar - the end of him life will be horrid.

My grandmother is in her 90s, has dementia, very physically frail, can't see or hear much now, still in her own home but with round-the-clock care. My mother's absolute priority is to keep her alive as long as possible - and so she has strict 'rules' about her diet and won't allow biscuits, cakes or desserts 'because it's bad for her heart'. Thinking her heart must be in pretty good shape for her to have lived so long!

GM was always keen on a glass of red wine. She doesn't ask for much these days - it's hard to get her to eat/drink enough - but sometimes says she'd like a glass of wine when family members come to visit. She is denied this, 'because of your medication'.

FFS. As other posters have said, when I am 92 I am eating and drinking exactly what I like, with gay abandon.

It is outrageous that they are interfering with what she eats in this way if she is compos mentis. She is 92 and should be able to do whatever she wants if it makes her life more enjoyable. Even if it shortens her life (although I doubt that it will), it is up to her to decide.

I was about to post something like Marynary has said. If an adult of any age is mentally competent it isn't up to anyone else to "allow" them to eat or interfere with what they eat. If they eat to the point they have to go into a care home they are just living with the consequences of their decisions. The lady in the OP isn't obese as far as we know, anyway-she just likes foods her family don't approve of.

Imagine that she was controlling their diet-how would they feel.
I hope if I live to be 90 and am mentally capable I will be a complete free agent.
YANBU.