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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you should be able to eat what you fancy aged 92?

145 replies

summerandautumn · 04/08/2015 14:17

Took the DCs to visit a darling family friend yesterday as it was her birthday.

Her family are concerned about her weight gain and have left notes instructing the carers who go in twice a day to only give her porridge for breakfast and only fruit to be given as a pudding after her evening meal.

She isn't 'fat' - tall and solid - but AIBU to think she should be able to just eat whatever she fancies at her age?

OP posts:
Rainicorn · 04/08/2015 16:43

Hmm, yes and no really.

I am the main carer to my SIL. She lives in her own adapted place, she has CP and learning difficulties. If she were left to her own devices she would eat and eat, so when we go shopping she chooses a snack a day rather than a whole packet of biscuits that she would eat in one sitting. If she puts on too much weight she won't be able to walk at all and would lose what little independence she has.

She is 52 though, not 92.

On the flip side, until recently I was caring for a man with Alzheimer's and he would forget he had eaten and I had to refuse him food which was hard.

Sometimes we are not aware of the full picture from a small glance.

SomewhereIBelong · 04/08/2015 16:43

Dusty - that is half the trouble - "eat what you want" doesn't cater for the poor sod having to do all the lifting, all the dressing, the turning, the pushing etc. Fine if you are fit and healthy and taking care of yourself, not so fine if you are sitting back and someone else is doing everything for you.

icclemunchy · 04/08/2015 16:46

As a diabetic nothing annoys me more than they whole "diabetics can't eat sugar" myth.

Even if this lady is diabetic (and I'm presuming OP would have mentioned it if she were) she can eat as much cake and chocolate as she likes as long as she uses the correct amount of insulin (assuming type 1 or insulin controlled type 2) and it would be no worse for her than a 'Normal' person

If I get to 92 I shall have ice cream for breakfast

Ilovecrapcrafts · 04/08/2015 16:48

If I live that long I'm going back on the fags, food wil be the least of their worries Grin

MashaMisha · 04/08/2015 16:52

Did you actually see the notes?

Just because if she has very mild dementia, maybe that was one of the things she was confused about, and in fact she does usually have pudding, and there are biscuits.

My grandmother used to confidently come out with some plausible-sounding but completely untrue statements quite regularly, and that sounds like just the sort of thing she would have said.

She would also sometimes deny having eaten, or insist she had already eaten, because she had forgotten - could be something like that going on.

SomewhereIBelong · 04/08/2015 16:52

I had to be the mean one who told my mother that she could not live out her final years with us,

that she will have to go into a home -

because she is 15 stone I cannot lift her when she falls - she falls often because her diabetes went unchecked (she "eats what she wants") and she has nerve damage.

FanOfHermione · 04/08/2015 16:57

YANBU
I've seen that happening with my gran too.
At that age, I thik we shoiuld stop thinking about all that 'healthy eating' etc... The time to think about it is when you are 20, 30, 40... but not at 90yo.
She will probably feel better eating whole foods etc... but a biscuits??

What I am finding even sadder is the fact that she proably can't get said biscuits herself if her sigjht is so poor.
If I was you, I would come back with a packet (or 2 or 3) that she could keep in her room...

Tbh for me it's a bit like the doctor didn't want to put my MIL's mum on morphine 'as it would shorten her life'. She was 85yo and couldn't recognise anyone, was in a care home and in pain. My MIL was most upset and told them very clearly the important thing was to keep her confortable not to keep her alive for as long as possible!
Same thing here. A biscuit might ';shorten' her life but is it fair to remove all pleasure from someone's life at that age?

FanOfHermione · 04/08/2015 16:58

Oh fgs, this lady is a size 14 so not obese or anything!!

achieve6 · 04/08/2015 17:00

Eastpoint "The trouble with someone who has a reduced appetite eating lots of cakes is that they can end up overweight (which she is at a generous 14) and malnourished."

yes, but do you think she is worried about that at 92?!

SaucyJack · 04/08/2015 17:01

YANBU.

My granddad has diabetes and other health problems related to being overweight, but he still eats whatever he likes. And why not?

These are not the best days of his life- he has few pleasures left. Maybe as well enjoy the last few years rather than dragging the whole sorry mess out for as long as possible.

Hygge · 04/08/2015 17:35

YANBU OP.

At that age, what harm is a biscuit going to do her?

My Granddad was in his 80's when he died, he'd always been fit and independent but had a short period of ill health just before the end.

My Uncle wanted to stop him eating meat, stop him drinking alcohol, and stop him smoking. He got his sister (my aunt) and her children to agree with him but my Dad (obviously Uncle and Aunt's brother) wouldn't agree.

The doctor at the hospital had said it was pointless to stop him now, and would probably do more harm as it would be a shock to his system to stop all that now.

It did cause a bit of an issue in the family but my Granddad was in sound mind and didn't want to stop, or to be treated like a child. Uncle lived far away and wasn't the one who had to be there in person to stop him from doing what he wanted.

AngieBolen · 04/08/2015 17:39

Maybe she didn't have any biscuits in because she'd eaten them all. Wink

A lot of people this age seems to stop eating so much and get very thin. I would be quite happy if someone of 92 was looking plump.

summerandautumn · 04/08/2015 17:51

She did say sadly that she was no longer 'allowed' biscuits; that wasn't conjecture but what she told me.

OP posts:
fishboneschokus · 04/08/2015 17:54

Yanbu

TheseventeenthSixteen · 04/08/2015 17:54

I worked as a health care assistant and was really irritated by some families of very old people I worked with, policing their diet. If there's a real health reason for a particular diet or certain foods being a no-go area, fair enough, but if a very old person wants biscuits with their tea, a piece of cake in the afternoon and a bit of ice cream for dessert in the evening, then I for one, wouldn't stop them.

As someone upthread pointed out, dementia (even mild) increases the desire for sweet things in many people. It's one of the things that triggered alarm bells when I was looking after people - if they began upping their requests for sweets, chocolate, cake or wanting no main course but just pud.

At 92, as far as possible, people should eat what they like, if they are mentally able to make a choice. Definitely they should be encouraged to have enough protein, calcium, healthy carbs and fruit and veg, but sweet stuff is often important for an older persons quality of life sometimes.

I had one post-operative patient, whose family were treating her like a small child, telling her she couldn't have the trifle she really wanted, because it wouldn't help her recovery. She was being picked on so much, she was in tears, the poor woman. I could have whopped them, I was so cross and tactully pointed out, that when people are recovering, it's normal to not fancy or cope with the thought, of a lot of things, and that it's more important at this stage just to get calories down for energy and to try stimulate the appetite any which way. Arggggh.

grovel · 04/08/2015 18:19

If I get to 92 I will have a cigarette in bed when I wake up. I will then have a full English breakfast. At 11 I'll have chocolate digestives. At noon I'll have a gin and tonic. At 1pm I'll have a lightish lunch with a glass of (good) white wine. At 4pm I'll have chocolate cake and tea. At 8pm I'll have a good solid dinner washed down with a (decent) Merlot. At 11 pm I'll have a neat whisky nightcap. Maybe 2.
Off to write my living will.

grovel · 04/08/2015 18:22

Oh yes, I'll also have a spliff whenever the mood takes me.

achieve6 · 04/08/2015 18:25

grovel - sounds good. I'll just take it day by day I think rather than committing to a full English.

Not sure I know where to get a spliff now, thinking might be hard at 92! Maybe I just know all the wrong people.

But yes, not much worry there about getting caught either. I hardly drink now but I'm always telling my friends I'm going to start drinking copiously in my old age for a laugh!

BettyCatKitten · 04/08/2015 18:30

I used to care for a man with a terminal brain tumour. He took up drinking and smoking when he knew it was inoperable.
Another man I cared for had relatives whom used to turn his gas fire off when they came round, knowing he couldn't light it himself. It used to enrage me Angry poor chap was bloody freezing in winter.
Sorry to derail the thread.

ErnesttheBavarian · 04/08/2015 18:32

My grandma is in a home. She started off quite thin (barely eating when living alone).

Fed very well in home. Too well. My mum kept asking them not to give her cake or pudding etc. She was treated like the mean wicked daughter trying to spoil the last years. She's 88, let her eat what she wants etc.

Not she has put on so much weight my mum can no longer take her out as she has a bad leg and finds the wheelchair too heavy to push. Plus now grandma is so heavy she is less confident or willing to walk, cue vicious circle of not walking still reducing further her already limited mobility.

The increased weight also has an impact on her blood pressure etc and she has already had several strokes.

So yabu. She's not too old for it to have a real impact on her quality of life.

Marylou2 · 04/08/2015 19:17

I left nursing to work for a nutrition company but let me tell you that if I make it to 92 and I want to live on gin and salt and vinegar crisps I damn well will!â?º. Why deprive the poor lady of one of lifes small pleasures at that age?

fishboneschokus · 04/08/2015 19:48

I work with elderly people. The fear of going into a home is (understandably) considerable. These are not pp with dementia. Some of the fear is of loss of small freedoms. Like having a biscuit/whatever when they fancy.

DinoSnores · 04/08/2015 19:56

lazylohan, I assume you are directing that comment at me?!

I am referring to, as I wrote, a "hypothetical 92 year old patient" (as I don't have the medical notes of this one and can't comment on this woman) and have the broad opinion that over-treating diabetes in the very elderly is a very silly thing to do for a multitude of reasons.

Firstly, as I often tell people, if I reach the age of 92, I'm not having some young doctor or nurse tell me that I can't have a biscuit with my tea.

Secondly, hypoglycaemia is very bad for the brain and also can make already frail people fall over and hurt themselves. As people with diabetes get older, their awareness of hypoglycaemia can go down so they don't notice they are going low in the same way as they did as they were younger, so can have a more severe episode of hypoglycaemia.

It is therefore far better very often to run blood sugars a bit higher and safer than the government targets.

The woman mentioned here is not, as far as we know, diabetic, so my tale has no relevance to her. Smile

UrethraFranklin1 · 04/08/2015 19:59

If I got past 75, which is frankly highly unlikely, I'm going to go back to smoking and aim to get the vast majority of my calories from the olives in my martinis and crisps.
And I'll bite anyone who tries to stop me.

cavkc · 04/08/2015 20:00

One of our neighbours lived until she was 103 .. She didn't wear glasses or have a hearing aid and she could still touch her toes .. She wore bright red lipstick because she knew it annoyed her daughter Wine

When she was 99 she was told by her GP that she was drinking more than the recommended weekly amount and she should reduce her alcohol intake ... Needless to say she didn't, in fact she didn't go to the GP's ever again !!!

She died peacefully in her own bed, hopefully suitable inebriated WineWine

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