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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should be able to eat what you fancy aged 92?

145 replies

summerandautumn · 04/08/2015 14:17

Took the DCs to visit a darling family friend yesterday as it was her birthday.

Her family are concerned about her weight gain and have left notes instructing the carers who go in twice a day to only give her porridge for breakfast and only fruit to be given as a pudding after her evening meal.

She isn't 'fat' - tall and solid - but AIBU to think she should be able to just eat whatever she fancies at her age?

OP posts:
KnitFastDieWarm · 04/08/2015 15:40

Bloody hell, if I make it to 92 I plan to exist on vodka, chocolate and hard drugs! Grin

In all seriousness, surely the focus should be on getting appealing, nourishing food into her, not controlling her weight at that age? Plenty of protein and fibre (and lovely buttery toast and cake!)

AskingForAPal · 04/08/2015 15:41

Seems harsh to me. My grandmother substituted her sleeping pills for whisky in her last couple of years, helped her sleep like a baby and she was hardly going to do her liver in before the rest of her went (in her 90s).

I think there are certain times in life when eating what you fancy is the best thing - when you're poorly, when you're seriously hormonal (pre-menstrual or pregnant), and when you're old. If food can bring you a little bit of comfort, and it's not going to become a lifelong pattern of poor eating, sod it. And with old people, it's loss of appetite you need to be concerned about, not a craving for a few custard creams.

KnitFastDieWarm · 04/08/2015 15:46

also, if she is diabetic or at risk of diabetes, then surely higher fat lower carb meals would be better? porridge (probably with sugar or honey) and fruit are not great foods for someone who is a) diabetic or at risk of diabetes and b) not very physically active. There's nothing wrong with them as foods - I'm no carb-phobe - but if she doesn't fancy them they're not intrinsically essential! She'd be better off with something like scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast and a proper full fat yogurt for dessert - both more satisfying and less blood-sugar-raising.

LazyLohan · 04/08/2015 15:48

Jesus Christ. I really despair sometimes. This woman's family, who are privy to her medical history and needs have requested it. But a load of strangers on the internet who know fuck all about the situation think she should given cake. Jesus wept.

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/08/2015 15:49

Exactly what I was thinking Lazy!

Metacentric · 04/08/2015 15:50

This woman's family, who are privy to her medical history and needs have requested it.

Should my family be able to control my diet? Why is it different when you are old?

KnitFastDieWarm · 04/08/2015 15:50

lazy when I'm 92, I will be eating whatever the heck I want regardless of how it might affect my ability to live to a ripe old age, and God help anyone who tries to stop me.

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/08/2015 15:51

Sorry, but you have precisely zero evidence that anyone is trying to control anyone's diet! Seriously, a note left for carers does not prove this.

redshoeblueshoe · 04/08/2015 15:52

Lazy - you missed the bit where she said she had read her care plan(after being asked to)
If I hit 92 I will definitely take up smoking again if its still legal, or even if its not

achieve6 · 04/08/2015 15:54

I find this ridiculous

I understand if it's to avoid her having some sort of upset stomach problem but it doesn't sound like that?

the only other thing I can think of is if it irritates a joint problem but at 92, I'd be eating all the cake I could find and taking all the painkillers I could fine. Poor lady.

Howlongtillbedtime · 04/08/2015 16:00

If she has capacity then she can have what she wants . And having early stages of dementia would not change her capacity to understand .

And if it has always been her habit to have the odd cake or biscuit or dessert then she should be able to continue .

Next time take cake with you Grin

And I bet the carers are taking no notice of what the family are saying as well . If they are any good anyway .

AuntieStella · 04/08/2015 16:02

" Why is it different when you are old?"

Is the difference because of the age, or because of the dementia?

As you lose the ability to remember, the importance of those caring for you to adhere to the care plan (to which you may have yourself contributed) increases.

VikingVolva · 04/08/2015 16:07

"And I bet the carers are taking no notice of what the family are saying as well . If they are any good anyway"

I hope that no-one who is employed to care for me would ignore a care plan. Regardless of my age at the time.

I note OP is a friend, not a relative nor NOK. And is not (it seems) directly involved either in making decisions about care nor in providing it. She says the family are "utterly lovely" so I just can't see why she would assume they are acting as mere killjoys, not as good guardians with access to more information than is generally known to friends.

Original poster
summerandautumn · 04/08/2015 16:10

Hello, thanks for replies!

The lady in question doesn't prepare food independently because her sight is very bad - this is the main reason carers go in, also or give her a bit of a hand getting undressed and dressed.

She is a tall 'stately' lady but not notably overweight, though certainly not frail like many elderly ladies become. She is possibly a generous size 14 and about 5'7, so only marginally overweight!

OP posts:
OOAOML · 04/08/2015 16:12

If I'm lucky enough to live to 92 I certainly don't want porridge for breakfast!

ElementaryMyDearWatson · 04/08/2015 16:14

YANBU. My mother is 89 and likes to put more salt on her food than would really be regarded as healthy. I take the view that at her age she can eat what she likes and shouldn't be condemned to be miserable about food that she will think doesn't taste as it should if she isn't allowed to season it as she wants to.

luciferswench · 04/08/2015 16:19

When i'm 92 i'm having coco pops for breakfast i might get some without having to fight Dc's for them ;)
Next time you go take a small packet of fancy biscuits to accompany the tea problem solved.

toffeeboffin · 04/08/2015 16:19

Jesus, yes, let her eat cake!

Slightly off topic but I remember my granddad wouldn't eat chocolate at Christmas because it took him six months to lose it. He was 86. I remember thinking 'when do you stop obsessing over your weight?". I guess you never do.

achieve6 · 04/08/2015 16:19

at that size, I think there is no reason at all.

even if there is, it's her choice. I am reminded of Judi Dench's character in Chocolat - continuing to eat sugar despite diabetes I think it was. Her choice.

Howlongtillbedtime · 04/08/2015 16:29

vikingvolva the way I read it the instructions are notes the family have added and not actually part of the original care plan .

I still think if she is able to live at home on her own with minimal help then she is able to decide whether she can have a bit of pudding whenever she likes .

LazyLohan · 04/08/2015 16:31

It sounds like the OP had a brief look at her care plan which is not a substitute for visiting a GP or consultant with her and having in depth knowledge.

We don't even know if the woman objects.

Honestly, this is the internet at it's absolute worst. People who are in absolute ignorance about the details of the situation giving advice which could be dangerous or potentially even lethal. The OP isn't even fully informed about the situation let alone a lot of armchair doctors with second hand information do.

DustyMaiden · 04/08/2015 16:32

I am a carer for MIL who eats whatever she likes wish someone had put her on a diet as her weight is killing my back.

DinoSnores · 04/08/2015 16:34

I'm a diabetes specialist and am very often having to talk down over-zealous family & carers in elderly patients with diabetes.

The reasons for controlling blood sugars are

  1. reduce symptoms
  1. prevent complications in the next 10-20 years

therefore assuming a hypothetical 92 year old patient didn't have symptoms of diabetes (raging thirst, getting up in the night loads etc), I'm fine with them eating what they want!

Also being a little overweight is actually healthier in older patients so being 'solid' rather than frail is better for her.

Eastpoint · 04/08/2015 16:37

The trouble with someone who has a reduced appetite eating lots of cakes is that they can end up overweight (which she is at a generous 14) and malnourished.

LazyLohan · 04/08/2015 16:38

I do not believe for a second someone who was genuinely a doctor would be as irresponsible to say something like that online which might influence the care of someone they hadn't examined and didn't know the history of.

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