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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go NC with my sister because she is friends with EX-H?

52 replies

LittleSnaily · 03/08/2015 22:38

I don't understand it - my lovely sister is still seeing my exH five years after we've separated. We separated for lots of reasons triggered by his affair, which she supported me through.

I've told her how I feel. She says I need to be less bitter and she still wants to see him and my dcs. I've said of course she can see my dcs whenever she likes!

This weekend she and her family are meeting EX-H and my dcs and it really upsets me. She hasn't been to visit me for months.

Should I grow up? I feel so upset about it and I don't want to see her any more. :(

OP posts:
SugarOnTop · 03/08/2015 22:41

she's an adult who is free to choose her own friendships. so long as she's not telling him your secrets/business i don't see a problem. The attitude of 'i'm not friends with X so you can't be either' it's all very 'high-school' don't you think?

molyholy · 03/08/2015 22:43

Yadnbu! I would be upset too. To be honest, I wouldbe fuming!!! My sisters husband had an affair and they split up she kicked him out.The notion that I would go for days out with him and my neice and nephew is just bloody bizarre!!

FarFromAnyRoad · 03/08/2015 22:43

Agree with Sugar - I can see that you might not like it but you really need to not say anything or worse - make her choose. It's not for you to say who she canoe cannot be friends with

Original poster
LittleSnaily · 03/08/2015 22:43

Maybe you are right. I just find it so hurtful and I can't get over it. I feel like she's being disloyal to me.

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 03/08/2015 22:44

Canoe?? FFS Grin - Cannot!

woowoo22 · 03/08/2015 22:44

YANBU.

molyholy · 03/08/2015 22:46

sugar I think its more showing loyalty to your sister when her husband has fucked around and destroyed their marriage. I don't agree that the op should be fine with this. Sure she can be friends with who she wants, but the op is entitled to be pissed off. Its her sister fgs.

Bullshitbingo · 03/08/2015 22:47

She is being disloyal. Sorry op, I could never do something so hurtful to my dsis.
Maybe if he was her best friend since before you met him and she had literally no other mates...?
Nah, sorry, it would still be shitty behaviour.

Hedgehogsdontbite · 03/08/2015 22:48

YANBU

It's true, you cannot tell her who she can be friends with. But who would want to be friends with someone who has hurt a close family member who they love?

eyeswideopennow · 03/08/2015 22:49

YANBU. Going through a similar problem myself with family and exh. The pain of disloyalty is almost unbearable. Sad

Original poster
LittleSnaily · 03/08/2015 22:51

They weren't friends before but have hobbies in common (although would never bump into each other).

I think it is just that I have tried to explain how much it hurts me but she and her dh have very clearly told me that they disagree with my opinion about him.

It upsets me that I have told them it really hurts me but they still do it.

OP posts:
KatharineH · 03/08/2015 22:52

I get Sugar's point, but feel like you that your sister should show more 'loyalty' to you.

By visiting your ex more often than she visits you, she is showing disregard for your feelings. Unfortunately you cannot stop your sister from doing what she wants. But I don't think it is worth losing your relationship over this, especially as it has been close in the past.

Maybe you should swallow your pride, and ask her if she can explain her feelings over all this. Then you may be able to get where she is coming from and come to understand it.

You have to get on with your ex for the sake of your dcs. Maybe she wants your ex to continue to be part of the extended family.

Aussiemum78 · 03/08/2015 22:53

I've been in situations where my family has chosen to see a divorced spouse as "family" and tried not to take sides (particularly for any kids).

In your situation, I would still be friendly with your ex (so the kids see he is still part of the family) but I'd probably reduce contact to kids birthdays etc.

I find it odd that your sister is going out of her way to be his friend.

There isn't something going on between them is there?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 03/08/2015 22:54

I'm not thrilled with the word "disloyal". To require hate, howver justifiable, as a condition of a relationship is unreasonable.

I might be unreasonable myself, but a long history of being bullied means that when I'm asked to pick a side, I'll choose the other one.

Original poster
LittleSnaily · 03/08/2015 23:00

It does also upset me that he has slagged me off to all his family and friends so none of them talk to me and all de friended me on FB - and he gets to tag himself at events with my dsis! It feels like he is rubbing my face in it.

(I know I am sounding childish.)

Fact is, it just really hurts me and upsets me but she and her dh continue to do it. I have tried to explain. They think I need to get over it.

OP posts:
SlaggyIsland · 03/08/2015 23:01

I think you're not being at all unreasonable. Yes, adults can do what they want as long as it's legal but some choices have consequences. Her choice to be friends with your ex is hurting you greatly, and the consequence might be that you no longer see her.

Battleshiphips · 03/08/2015 23:02

Yanbu in my view. I certainly am not in any kind of contact with my 2 dsis unfaithful exs. Couldn't imagine anything more hurtful to them.

BanditoShipman · 03/08/2015 23:05

Yanbu. It sounds very hurtful Sad

molyholy · 03/08/2015 23:06

You don't sound childish OP. Not at all. I can only imagine how hurtful it can be. And I also get the fact that you are so upset having told your sister that she is hurting you and her response is basically 'get over it'. I just couldn't imagine treating any of my siblings this way.

cerealqueen · 03/08/2015 23:06

YANBU He had an affair and betrayed you - your DSIS should show more loyalty. Withdraw from her.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 03/08/2015 23:06

Your last post is really relevant to the whole situation. Though maybe she has been told things about you that paint you in a bad light, him in a good light, and she thinks that she is showing loyalty to him ("the wronged party") by staying friends and loyalty to you (her sister) by keeping in contact?

(Sorry if this is what has happened, that would be shitty)

Original poster
LittleSnaily · 03/08/2015 23:10

He is very good at making himself the victim etc. and he has turned a lot of people against me. He was always very controlling and he has a view of himself that he is very good at convincing people with...

Maybe I just need to withdraw if I can't change the way I feel.

OP posts:
musicalbingo · 03/08/2015 23:11

This x 10

*YANBU

It's true, you cannot tell her who she can be friends with. But who would want to be friends with someone who has hurt a close family member who they love?*

Kikimoon · 03/08/2015 23:11

I would be totally distancing myself from dsis. That's utterly disloyal.

MistressDeeCee · 03/08/2015 23:14

Your DSis is spiteful and is doing it to upset you. She knows you are hurt and she continues. The only "common bond" they have is you. & if she has a need to remain friends with a man that upset you so much then what does that tell you about how she wants you to feel?

Don't have any more dialogue with her about it, and if she raises the issue tell her straight, you don't wish to talk about it. At all. Don't let any conversation develop. Then try not to focus on it.

Im in almost same position as you. My ex of several years was very emotionally abusive and manipulative in harmful ways At the time my DSis was supportive and didnt speak with him. She does now though. & sometimes tried to tell me things he'd said, which were hurtful. She can't say anything to me about him now as I don't allow it - ever. Im pretty sure he gets to say all he wants to her about me, her being there is condoning that. She, and your sister OP, are too dumb to realise that. But I don't need to hear or know about it.

You don't sound childish at all. But you have to bite the bullet and get away from these people - anyone that wilfully upsets and hurts you isn't worth it, not even if they're family. The blood is thicker than water thing isn't worth it if it makes you feel like shit. In your shoes I wouldn't see or engage with any of them, and I simply would work towards not caring. What is knowing all this and being in contact with people who think so little of you, doing for your life anyway?

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