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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to go NC with my sister because she is friends with EX-H?

52 replies

LittleSnaily · 03/08/2015 22:38

I don't understand it - my lovely sister is still seeing my exH five years after we've separated. We separated for lots of reasons triggered by his affair, which she supported me through.

I've told her how I feel. She says I need to be less bitter and she still wants to see him and my dcs. I've said of course she can see my dcs whenever she likes!

This weekend she and her family are meeting EX-H and my dcs and it really upsets me. She hasn't been to visit me for months.

Should I grow up? I feel so upset about it and I don't want to see her any more. :(

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 03/08/2015 23:17

My sister wasn't married (or had kids), but when her ex cheated on her and she kicked him out, I was done with him as well. I really liked the guy on a personal level, had a lot of interests in common, unlike every other partner she had previously. He seemed lovely - but his betrayal hurt her, which had a knock on effect. We thought of him as family, he broke all our trust in him. If they had children, obviously they would 'have' to keep in touch, and I'd never bad mouth a parent to a child. However, unless there is a damn good reason, personal support should always go to a family member. I'm sure your ex has plenty of 'friends', why does your sister need to be one of them? No, sorry, that's quite crappy behaviour on her part, can't see any blame on you been hurt and angry about it.

SniffsAndSneezes · 03/08/2015 23:19

Jesus if it were my DSis's philandering ex I'd be too busy thinking of elaborate ways to remove his kneecaps from his body to go on cosy little day trips! With you completely OP- I'd be incredibly upset if I were in your position. How could your sister be so insensitive, not to mention disloyal?

MapleTownAndMe · 03/08/2015 23:20

YANBU - given the circumstances of the end of your marriage ie his affair she is being very disloyal, that must be so upsetting. I never say go NC on threads but as you've explained to her how you feel and she still continues to see him with total disregard for your feelings I would say do what you need to do to save yourself from any further hurt.

NewLife4Me · 03/08/2015 23:28

Forget that blood tie thing, its crap.

I have a non bio sister and no way would we do something like this, she's your sister and should be ashamed.
I'm so sorry she is hurting you so much.
I wouldn't usually agree with nc as I think too often it's done in haste and regretted. But I would wholeheartedly agree with it in this case.
What an utterly spiteful thing to do.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 03/08/2015 23:28

If you'd been the unfaithful party then I could understand it.
I could understand being civil and nice for the sake of the children involved.
I'd struggle to understand how they could be chummy.
No you can't tell her who to be friends with but you'd hope for a bit more camaraderie.
Going NC is a big step and might make it look like you are the unreasonable one so I wouldn't give her the justification. Low contact - keep it civil and distant. Be busy.

Ebony69 · 04/08/2015 00:43

Mistress - How do you know the sister's motivations? To assume that she is doing it out of spite is simplistic and making a huge assumption . The OP has described her sister as 'lovely' and it sounds as if her benevolence has also been extended to her former BIL. I do understand why you feel upset , OP, about this but after five years perhaps you need to try to resolve this within. This is not an act against you.

sykadelic · 04/08/2015 02:07

she and her dh have very clearly told me that they disagree with my opinion about him.

But it's not really an "opinion" is it? It's based on fact. It's based on actual harm and damage that he did to you and your family. It's based on the hate campaign he raged against you with his own family. Do they think he was right to do that? Do they think it doesn't matter because it didn't happen to them? Would they be okay with it if he'd physically assaulted you? Why is the emotional damage not enough to have their loyalty and understanding?

It upsets me that I have told them it really hurts me but they still do it.

They still do it because they have chosen to ignore what he's done to you. They either think you're a liar, or they don't care what he did or how badly it upsets you. By talking to your Ex-H they are saying they're okay with how he treated you.

There is no reason for them to talk to him, unless they like him. It's hard to understand how your nearest and dearest can like someone who hurt you so badly. They don't have to be mean to him, but they don't need to be so chummy either. They're belittling what he did to you by choosing to be buddy buddy. It's not like you dislike him for an invalid or petty reason.

It also makes no sense that they need to see HIM to see the DC. They're saying they choose to spend time with him and the children, not you and the children. The children are a convenient excuse. They have chosen him. If you weren't related you'd probably not see them at all.

MistressDeeCee · 04/08/2015 02:10

Ebony I wouldn't behave like that to a dear friend, much less my sister. Why should OP resolve this within when she is upset about her sister's behaviour? Its not just going to go away with it. Sis may be lovely in some ways..so are many people with bad traits. I think its very telling that OP is upset, she's explained how and why she feels this way about her ex and her feelings are being disregarded.

Isn't everything here an assumption? Unless everyone here knows each other personally we can and so asses situations in our own way. Quite rightly too, I will respond to OP re. what she has posted and what I think, but I don't presume to tell other posters what to think. Its not about you. At all.

redfairy · 04/08/2015 05:52

Personally I wouldn't have anything to do with her until she'd stopped socialising with him. Bang out of order! YADefNBU.

Scoobydoo8 · 04/08/2015 06:13

Strange behavior by the DSis.

People do behave strangely after divorces - most don't want to be involved and try to remain friends with both regardless of their behavior.

Maybe in her efforts to appear a 'lovely' person she has to be seen to remain buddies with the ex. Seems odd though. Maybe it's a childhood revenge thing, some grudge she is holding.

But karma might bite her in the bum sometime - maybe her DH might have an affair, maybe your ex might make a pass at her, maybe she always fancied him!

Best thing you can do is keep off social media and busy yourself with stuff you enjoy when you can fit it in around the DCs.

And distance yourself a bit from your DSis, she isn't 'lovely' at all imo.

Scoobydoo8 · 04/08/2015 06:16

I wouldn't go NC. Imagine 10 years down the line, your ex might have moved on, be dead, moved abroad and your relationship with DSis can be resumed. But not very easily if you've gone NC.

Duckdeamon · 04/08/2015 06:17

Yanbu.

Glitteryarse · 04/08/2015 06:20

YANBU. It would hurt me too. It would hurt that she supported you and knows all the gritty details yet still is siding with him. She is probably enjoying it.

Ladyconstance · 04/08/2015 06:39

Your DS is behaving really disrespectfully to you, OP. it's beyond just disloyalty. Keeping in touch with your ex in the way you've described takes effort, planning etc. There's a deliberate, calculated approach to their contact which makes it more hurtful. There's also collusion with your BIL.
Please don't waste your energy feeling guilty. Try low contact as a pp suggests. You don't need any more negative crap coming your way, after your treatment by your ex. Show your DS you respect yourself, and don't engage ever with her on the subject. She's made her choice and you'll make yours on this issue.

florentina1 · 04/08/2015 08:26

I think your sister is being very disrespectful. I loved my SiL and was devasted when she and my Brother separated over her affair. I am not close to my brother, but I could not continue the friendship with her and I still miss her and the fun we had.

Your sister has chosen sides and I think you now have to bow out of her life.

BabyMum1 · 04/08/2015 08:30

YANBU.. Very dodgy of her, I wouldn't trust her... She might fancy him, difficult to explain otherwise

ElementaryMyDearWatson · 04/08/2015 08:32

I agree with you that I can't see how your sister justifies this. If my brother's wife was unfaithful to him and caused him massive unhappiness and messed up their children's lives, I cannot see myself having any sort of friendly relationship with her other than whatever would be necessary to facilitate contact with the children.

But the fact of the matter is that you aren't going to change her mind now so you need to do whatever it takes to stop it eating you up. You need to work on the basis that you aren't going to tell her anything that you wouldn't want passed on to your ex; and maybe use her to get the message over to him that you are perfectly happy, getting on with your life, and he can't hurt you any more?

Original poster
LittleSnaily · 04/08/2015 14:07

Thanks for all your comments.

I have felt so sad about this today. :( But I really feel that my Dsis is making me feel so upset that I need to start withdrawing really.

What is ironic is that when I was with DH he had a massive argument with my parents - so half my family didn't see him because he was so rude and aggressive! But he's always been very good at making people think he is the bees knees and making me feel excluded. I am upset that he is still doing this and still has this 'hold' over my family life. :(

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 04/08/2015 14:18

Yanbu. Do your children mainly live with him? Is it just incidental that he is there when she wants to see the kids or is she purposefully meeting up with him? Does she only have opportunities to see the kids when they are with him? Either way, I can understand why you find it hurtful, her loyalties should lie with you?

Original poster
LittleSnaily · 04/08/2015 14:25

She can meet me with whenever, but she choose not to I guess.

The children are 50/50.

OP posts:
Miggsie · 04/08/2015 14:28

Sadly, if he is a good manipulator he is manipulating her to get at you.

You can only state your position and go no-contact if they prefer his version of events over you.
Essentially they need to find out what he is like for themselves.

Be prepared for, when you go no contact, that he will use this as "proof" of your unreasonableness to dig himself in deeper with them.

Weathergames · 04/08/2015 15:12

You have my sympathies OP. I have had this with my parents and my sister.

Ex didn't have an affair and our break up initially was amicable. He then met his new wife and things got very nasty driven by her. He stopped doing a lot of things he had taken on as a father, allowed his wife to be horrible to our DC and stopped seeing one of our DC altogether.

Many many other things happened which for a while made mine and my children's lives very unhappy and difficult for several years.

Throughout my family say on the fence, defended him, and my sister even kept insisting he was still paying our mortgage (he most definitely wasn't) because he paid maintenance and my mum felt I should be grateful he still saw our DC twice a month (he lives 2 miles away).

My sister sent him emails and Christmas cards for many years and my mum invited them for a weekend at their country home.

I did once ask my sister to not send photos or info about me or my life or photos that were mine or I had taken.

I have never confronted them or reconciled myself with this, I have NC with him and I try to avoid the topic when with my family.

YANBU.

Original poster
LittleSnaily · 04/08/2015 15:17

Oh weathergames, it's so hurtful isn't it?

When we split up, my parents wrote HIM a long letter about how they would always love him (?). I got nothing!

He's a total manipulator, that's exactly it.

OP posts:
Weathergames · 04/08/2015 15:26

That sounds like the kind of thing my mum would do (write a letter to him).

While I don't expect full on war and I like everyone to be grown up and dignified I do expect a tiny shred of loyalty.

LazyLouLou · 04/08/2015 15:43

You can really only say once more: the fact that you choose to actively seek out this man's company when you know how much he hurt me and the kids, chose to [pick worst case scenario] and now acts as though he is the one who has been wronged is insulting to me. The fact that you choose to defend him rather than support me is even more so. I cannot believe you can do that to your own sister.

Then leave them to it. They aren't worth it.

You could also have a catch all sentence at your fingertips. If you have been a bit reticent to say clearly what he has done, maybe to spare your own embarrassment, then some people will choose to pretend nothing happened.

"Yes, he is nice. He chose to [quick details here]. Very nice man"

My cousin had to do this when his wife decided she could stray and then play the bleeding heart card. My favourite, after he got RP status, which caused a few people to ask him what kind of man would take a child from its mother, was "Yes, great mum. Left him in the playpen to shag the gas man in our bed".

Most people couldn't look her in the eye after that.

Maybe you could come up with something similar?