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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH on stag doo...

150 replies

Dappy28 · 01/08/2015 23:58

DH has gone on a 4 day stag doo abroad. We have DD1 who is 2 and DS2 who is 5 weeks old. I didn't have an issue with him going on the staff doo as the groom is a very close friend (although I wish it wasn't for 4 days).
DH sent me a landing text, then one quick phone call yesterday. (Which was fine, just wanted to check in & make sure he's ok) but I haven't heard from him since which has left me a bit peeved but put it down to being too drunk / caught up in the moment / hasn't been on his phone. I've just gone to send him a whstsapp message and seen he was online 3 hours ago and now I'm fuming - if he's been on his phone on whstsapp why couldn't he send a quick message to me - 'I'm fine, hope you & children are ok' would have sufficed.
Surely I'm not being unreasonable???

OP posts:

WoonerismSpit · 02/08/2015 10:54

FFS.

Mari where has she said she wants messaging 'all the time'? Try actually reading the OP before chiming in with bullshit.

ohtheholidays · 02/08/2015 10:55

YANBU,my DH wouldn't go away for 4 days with our children being the age they are now,there's no way he'd go if we had a tiny baby in the house.

I think your husbands been really lucky that you've been fine about it and yes he is being unreasonable by not keeping intouch with you more often.

I hope in the near future that you'll be getting 4 days child and cares free OP ?

patienceisvirtuous · 02/08/2015 10:56

Four days celebrating is excessive I think (not the point of the thread).

DP was recently invited to a close friend's four night stag do in Spain. He flew out Friday after work and flew back Sunday morning. And we don't have kids yet.

I agree with the poster upthread who said selfish behaviour all round from him.

chekovatemycherry · 02/08/2015 11:11

Think this is very Men are from Mars - Women are from Venus.

He's sent the "I'm here safely" text. He called the next morning. He has done all he perceives he needs to do.

If I had gone away I would have texted to say - on train, at airport, about to take off, landed, through customs, in taxi, at hotel etc etc etc

It is far more about my need to communicate - than his to know where I am. I am a phone addict - he uses it rarely for brief, essential communication. He would never do as much texting as I do and probably wouldn't respond to all of my minute by minute account of the journey!

I really think this is a case of different expectations of what contact is needed due to different communication styles.

I really think no news is good news. Try not to take it personally, he isn't you and he doesn't think the way you do... His lack of texts is not a sign he doesn't care - he just thinks differently to you and probably doesn't appreciate how much a text or call means to you. In his mind he is clear when he is coming back and you know too, so he probably doesn't feel the need to communicate much in between.

Men are from mars and women are from Venus!

Not a lot can be done now - but next time he goes away I would be clear with him and get him to agree to regularly text or call e.g. Every morning.

You'd both then be a lot happier and know what communication is expected.

mariposa10 · 02/08/2015 11:44

WoonerismSpit your posts are very aggressive. This is a discussion forum, the OP asked for opinions and I gave mine.

You don't know that her DH has messaged someone else. The app says he has been online, that does not mean he has been talking to other people.

frankbough · 02/08/2015 11:52

It's just another marriage with silly boundaries, what kind of a man goes off on a four day lash up with a wife and two children at home one of whom has just been born...

WayneRooneysHair · 02/08/2015 11:54

frankbough a man who's wife doesn't mind.

WoonerismSpit · 02/08/2015 11:59

Mari you are giving your opinion on something that isn't in the OP though.

You didn't answer my question. Where does she say 'all the time'?

bigbumtheory · 02/08/2015 12:03

Have you heard from him today OP? Perhaps he is just checking to see if you sent anything to him hence online? If he's rushing around, he may not have time for a call in sociable hours and might think it better not to text and start a conversation if he won't have time for it?

I don't think YABU to wish he had called you, especially with a 5 week old. I don't think you can rely on watsapp though- only the 'two blue' messaging works properly, the 'online' function doesn't. I've been sitting with my sister and my watsapps registers me as online when I'm not.

I do think different people have different ideas of what' okay to text though. When I last went on a hen, I text DH when there but nothing else. My friend text hers every day and called him.

I think you shouldn't fume too much though, just have a good day and enjoy yourself. When he comes back, if he hasn't contacted any more then just say to him that you felt a bit overwhelmed and would have really felt better with just a text so next time either of you are away you check in every couple of days or something?

fourtothedozen · 02/08/2015 12:04

frankbough a man who's wife doesn't mind

And you have this on what authority?

I can assure you not all men think this way.
My OH would rather have a tooth pulled than go on a stag do.

WayneRooneysHair · 02/08/2015 12:05

fourtothedozen the OP herself said that she doesn't mind that her DH has gone.

fourtothedozen · 02/08/2015 12:06

I was replying to frankbough.

WayneRooneysHair · 02/08/2015 12:07

Sorry

fourtothedozen · 02/08/2015 12:08

No problem.

LazyLouLou · 02/08/2015 12:09

frankbough a man who's wife doesn't mind

And you have this on what authority?

Well, personal experience, springs to mind. But that did strike me as an odd comment. My own DH wouldn't go on one of these modern day "doos" but if he did I wouldn't necessarily mind, or anticipate many updates.

As I said before, neither OP or her DH is being unreasonable, mean, thoughtless etc. They just have different expectations. OP seems to have been surprised by her own feelings, her post is a tad conflicted, which can't be nice.

I hope all is resolved pleasantly, OP and that you can keep calm until he gets home.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 02/08/2015 12:14

wow - I'm amazed that so many women would want regular contact from their husband/partner while he's away for a few days

this thread has been quite an eye-opener

Bakeoffcake · 02/08/2015 12:17

If my DH doesn't answer my text, which is urgent, I simply text "Oi".

That usually gets a response!

WeAllHaveWings · 02/08/2015 12:29

dh had 10 days away recently on a boys holiday. I got a quick call to say they arrived at hotel ok, and a call to say when they would be back (which was a day later than he thought and I was due back at work).

Didn't expect anything in between, but then we are the kind of couple that go to work all day and/or out for the day/night and don't feel the need to keep in touch constantly unless an emergency. I have colleagues at work who text/phone their partners throughout the day and I've never understood it.

If you want/need contact with your dh when he is away, why not just discuss with him before he goes then neither party is disappointed, otherwise let him enjoy himself.

frankbough · 02/08/2015 12:30

Of course she doesn't mind, that's why she's on this forum, asking for advice..

LazyLouLou · 02/08/2015 12:35

Psst, frank, you know that doesn't make any sense, don't you?

Redtowel · 02/08/2015 15:45

Did I just get called a cool wife by muff muff? Love it! I'm going to email this thread to my DH so he can be reminded of how good he has it.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 02/08/2015 16:02

Sadly not redtowel, though I'm sure you have many wonderful wifely qualities not reading comprehension. Show your DH that if you want.

GraysAnalogy · 02/08/2015 16:12

I can;t bloody believe people are saying OP is controlling.

Not only has she not minded him going on a four day stag do whilst she has a 5 week old baby + other child, she's not demanded constant contact. All she would like is a check in.

Just one message to see if they're okay. To see how is wife and children are.

suitsyou · 02/08/2015 16:30

All couples are different- you need to manage your expectations on what is reasonable contact for both of you.

YANBU in my eyes, but I'm sure your DH knows you well enough to believe he hasn't behaved in a way that will make you comfortable. For another couple two messages may have been too many and others would not have separated in the first place.

Fact is, you need to be on the same page.

Jen1610 · 02/08/2015 16:33

Op I was in the exact same position in May.

Me and my husband are regularly in contact. He's one of the ones when they goes on stag dos whose always calling home and texting me saying he misses us, can't wait to come home.....usually.

So he was going abroad for four days/three nights. I was going to miss him I said and he said 'don't worry I'll call you everyday and ill be texting you loads. Sent me a landing text. Called me about an hour and a half later. Called me that night on and off. called me when he got back to the room and was going to bed then was texting saying one thing or another. Next day, radio silence, day after radio silence. No reply to a message I sent on day two just saying morning how are you have a good day. That night I messaged to say night. Next day I messaged morning, just give me a quick message to let me know your alright please before you head out for the day. No reply. He eventually called at half eleven that night to say he was just back to the room and couldn't wait to come home the next day. They had a great time and decided to just leave their mobiles in the safe and just went out and got drunk and said those two days had rolled in to one.

Writing it now I feel like a weirdo because it was only 48 hours I didn't hear from him but I'm so not use to being out of contact that long and it was a looonnggg 48 hours. I was surprised as well he hadnt contacted me to speak to the kids. They were all the same though and just caught up in the weekend. However if he'd been on whatsapp I'd of been annoyed, you are not being unreasonable.

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