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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH on stag doo...

150 replies

Dappy28 · 01/08/2015 23:58

DH has gone on a 4 day stag doo abroad. We have DD1 who is 2 and DS2 who is 5 weeks old. I didn't have an issue with him going on the staff doo as the groom is a very close friend (although I wish it wasn't for 4 days).
DH sent me a landing text, then one quick phone call yesterday. (Which was fine, just wanted to check in & make sure he's ok) but I haven't heard from him since which has left me a bit peeved but put it down to being too drunk / caught up in the moment / hasn't been on his phone. I've just gone to send him a whstsapp message and seen he was online 3 hours ago and now I'm fuming - if he's been on his phone on whstsapp why couldn't he send a quick message to me - 'I'm fine, hope you & children are ok' would have sufficed.
Surely I'm not being unreasonable???

OP posts:
Notso · 02/08/2015 09:43

DH and I have a rule that we phone on arrival and phone before leaving. The rest of the time no news is good news. It works well for us.

flamingoland · 02/08/2015 09:44

Why on earth do people get so angry when they disagree with someone on here? Yes it is controlling behaviour- if I were on a hen do and my partner was berating me on the internet because I wasn't checking in on him every day, I would class that as controlling. Controlling can combine numerous behaviours- it isn't as obvious as keeping him locked in the house. My point on being a single mother is valid and I don't understand your responses- what on earth would would happen if she lived on her own with her children without constant help? She seemingly can't manage 4 days! Controlling and needy behaviour in my book.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 02/08/2015 09:50

Provided you actually speak from experience emerald, it's fine for you to think that. I don't know anyone who thinks life with a toddler and a newborn isn't harder than life with a newborn, simply because they don't give you another pair of hands with every baby you have design flaw. Taking care of two small children rather than one certainly involves having to do more, and there's no getting round that. But you're more than entitled to feel that the extra work doesn't make your life any harder, and to communicate that view.

However, it's not fine for someone who doesn't speak from experience to make the assumption that their situation is comparable, when they couldn't possibly know, and hold themself up as some kind of positive example on this basis. As newtobecomingamum did upthread.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 02/08/2015 09:52

Your point on being a single mother isn't remotely valid flamingo. It's got nothing to do with anything. One could feel OP was being entirely unreasonable and still see that.

milliemanzi · 02/08/2015 09:56

Hahahha feeling upset that the father of your 5 week old baby has gone away for 4 days and hasn't bothered to reply to your texts is "controlling behaviour" now?! Get a grip flamingo.

Sallystyle · 02/08/2015 10:01

Controlling or not, if my husband was to go away for a few days, he would want to speak to me, once a day anyway.

When I went away without him I called him in the morning and before bed, simply because I missed him.

I don't care if that makes me needy in some people's eyes, I like that after 10 years I still look forward to speaking to him if I haven't seen him all day. We are not joined at the hip. Mind you, I call my mum every day so it is just how I am.

YANBU OP. Others have relationships where they wouldn't expect to hear from their partners every day when they are away and if it works for them then great, but as you text him it was obvious you wanted to hear from him and it would not have hurt for him to send you a quick text.

Another example of the word controlling being thrown around far too loosely.

flamingoland · 02/08/2015 10:01

To me it is. There will be a lot of women who have been on their own in the OP's position who find this helplessness with not having another adult there a real mystery. Reading the thread and comments made- why on earth are there suggestions that a fully grown adult can't cope on their own with a toddler and a newborn? I'm not saying it is easy. The OP's real issue is that she feels she has been dealt the shitty end of the stick in staying at home with two kids and she is anxious about what he is up to. Next time ahe either needs to
ask that he doesn't go, or be more upfront in that she needs constant contact.

WoonerismSpit · 02/08/2015 10:08

flamingos why are you still banging on about her not being able to cope?

Unless the texts transform into little elves that leap from OPs phone, feed the baby and put the toddler to bed, she is coping fine on her own.

She just thinks that if he would use his phone to text someone else, it's just courtesy to send her a quick message too.

flamingoland · 02/08/2015 10:12

The general consesus in this thread is .... "If my husband were to leave me on my own with two kids he would be my ex-husband". That kind of thing translates as her/ other posters perhaps not dealing with being on their own very well. Needing needless texts translates as not coping too.

Sallystyle · 02/08/2015 10:13

Why are you reading things into the OP that aren't there, Flamingo?

I am not helpless because I like speaking to my husband once/twice a day if I am away. Neither is the OP.

EmeraldKitten · 02/08/2015 10:16

I understand flamingos point, from the perspective of the comments not the op.

There are many posts that have a 'With a ^five week old baby? Shock ' air that read as though it's a two person job.

Realistically, a toddler and newborn is hard work but haven't most of us in that position managed on our own a lot of the time? With a Dh at work/night shifts/ working away or as a single parent?

I find the horror that the dh could comprehend leaving op on her own to cope for 4 days...mystifying. It's four days people, not 6 months.

flamingoland · 02/08/2015 10:16

perhaps not the OP but a fair few posts on here are saying that. The one stating DHs would be ex DHs and that they can't manage with a newborn all state the same. End of, tell him next time not to bother going OP or be very explicit in the fact you need constant contact. Pain in the arse behaviour either way though if he is going on a one-off trip.

cleanindahouse · 02/08/2015 10:17

Op is not needy or controlling and this situation is not comparible to being a single mum.

She is simply pissed off with the person she is in a committed relationship with for not checking in. Fair fucks i reckon.

flamingoland · 02/08/2015 10:17

Thank you Emerald, you completely encapsulate what I am trying to say.

WoonerismSpit · 02/08/2015 10:18

But the OP hasn't stated that emerald. She is just annoyed that he has contacted someone else but not bothered to send her a quick message. Flamingo pegged her as controlling and unable to cope pretty early on.

milliemanzi · 02/08/2015 10:19

It's not "controlling behaviour" though. It's pretty offensive to call it that.

WoonerismSpit · 02/08/2015 10:19

For god's sake flamingo.

Where has she said she requires constant contact?

Or would you like to post your made up OP so we can all be on the same page?

EmeraldKitten · 02/08/2015 10:22

Hence my comment that I understood from the point of the commenters not the op.

There are a lot of helpless sounding women on here tbf, who are taking pity on the op for being 'left'.

If the op had newborn triplets, or severe mh problems or two broken legs...I'd get it and think the dh was a cunt for going. Otherwise, not so much.

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2015 10:22

It's not a Stag Doo. It really isn't. If anybody ever says that ever again I might have to gnaw my own leg off.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 02/08/2015 10:22

I wouldn't have an issue with DH going on the stag. The ones he would go to would involve climbing, walking and mountain biking. Not all stags involve get shit faced and having a sweaty lap dance in a vile club.

He would probably get in touch a couple of times during that period, whenever he could. With a newborn baby, he'd be missing us loads, and I'd know that, but I wouldn't need him to keep ringing to tell me. I also know that if I felt as though I needed to talk to him, I"d ring or leave him a message to ring back.

I trust him, he's a very lovely bloke and neither of us keep in touch with each other for anything other than when we need to, generally.

Some fucking mad comments on this thread. And I don't mean you, OP.

WayneRooneysHair · 02/08/2015 10:23

Why is the husband getting roasted? The OP hasn't got a problem with him going so why are people saying 'he sounds like a catch' or 'he'd be ex DH if mine went' etc.

If the OP wanted to hear from him every day then she should have told him, he's not a mind reader.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 02/08/2015 10:27

Flamingo your point about OP being a single mother is totally invalid because it's irrelevant. She isn't. So it has nothing to do with anything. You might as well say her DH is being unreasonable because he'd have to not go if she were still in hospital after giving birth, or the baby was in hospital, or he was a single dad. After all, if it's reasonable to berate OP because she'd have to act differently in an entirely different set of circumstances, we should apply the same logic to DH as well. Alternatively, take the sensible approach and apply it to neither of them, because it doesn't matter in the slightest what either of them would do if they were a single parent. You keep slagging off OP because of things that aren't happening and that you've made up: the constant contact thing is another example of that.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 02/08/2015 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadLad · 02/08/2015 10:49

With my first wife, I would have texted at least every morning.

Now we give each other space and text to say safe arrival and that's it, unless there are any problems.

But that's fine for us, because that's what we both expect. If a couple have different expectations of how often they are going to text, that's when the problems start.

mariposa10 · 02/08/2015 10:52

If the OP was the one who had gone away for a few days and her husband was complaining she hadn't been in contact enough, despite actually already having been in contact, people would be saying he was controlling.

It doesn't matter how much you want him to message you all the time, he hasn't. So you can either have an argument with him about it or accept he's on a trip having a nice time and he will message as soon as he gets a moment. Stop checking when he's been online and do something else.