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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed when my OH picks up calls from his ex wife during our dare night

159 replies

Belame · 01/08/2015 19:33

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed when my OH picks up calls from his ex wife during our date night?

I've been seeing my bf for 3 years. He's been married before but his wife left him for another guy, despite the fact they had a 3 yr old boy. Time have passed and my bf being honorable man that he is, aged for her to keep the house for the sake of his ds. She's been nothing but horrible to him, kicking him out of the house, throwing his clothes out etc. Is been quite acrimonious and horrible at the time. In the meantime, the moment he's moved out she moved her new man in.

We've been seeing each other for quite some time, we don't live together but try to see each other 4-5 times a week. Obviously because of our busy work life I don't get to have a lot of date nights but when we do, we always have a nice time.

That's until she finds. And she always rings. She finds during our dinner together, she rings during our trips out. It's always the same thing, some sort of a stupid question or query. Whilst I know they have a child together, it's really annoying for me, because I just want to have our time together. But he ends up picking up, and it ends up annoying me. I end up being frustrated by constant reminders of her.

Am i being unreasonable to ask him to switch phone or not answer when we are having our date night?

OP posts:
JakieOH · 02/08/2015 12:11

im not entirely sure what people mean when they say DC come 1st although I said it myself up post

I was in exactly this situation years ago when I started seeing DP. I eventually said I didn't have an issue coming second to his DC but his exw was to have nothing to do with our relationship and I didn't want her knowing what we were doing. It's a control thing.

Anyway, I've never felt that I come 'second' to his DC or that I come before them? We do things as a team and take everyone's position into consideration. I wanted to spend an afternoon shopping when we were on holiday, obviously DC didn't, we went shopping. They wanted to go see some boring kid show that was on, I didn't, we went to see the show. It's called compromise. His exw shouldn't feel that DP is at her beck and call anymore than, say, his parents. I can't think of a situation where it's been an issue. The whole fire thing is just a ridiculous analogy, who would you save 1st? Actually very childish IMHO. Confused

Marynary · 02/08/2015 12:53

I think it's rude to be on the phone on a restaurant FULL STOP.

It's not rude to quickly answer the phone. It is rude (to you) to have a long conversation about something that isn't urgent. Is he doing this or do you just object to him answering the phone full stop?

Marynary · 02/08/2015 12:56

I think I should come first in a relationship. Always.

If you want that you can only have a relationship with someone who doesn't have children. You also shouldn't have any children yourself.

AllThatGlistens · 02/08/2015 12:58

You're never going to always come first if you or your partner have children.

If that's what you want from a relationship then I'd suggest a man without DC would be best for you Hmm

TRexingInAsda · 02/08/2015 13:05

OP, you are not compatible to be in a relationship with anyone with children. DC always come first - especially in a fire ffs. It's biological - if you ever have dc of your own, you'll see it's not a choice. If you need to come first (and some people do like to, it's nice!) then you need to be with someone without kids. There is no way you will ever be first in this relationship because your dh (like most responsible, loving parents) loves his child most, and the child will always, rightly, come first. (If this wasn't the case, there would be something terribly wrong with your dh and his relationship with the dc).

That said, if you want to eek out this doomed relationship for a few more years make your marriage work, then you need to accept that he feels the need to answer the phone in case it's an emergency, then he needs to accept that he can't have a long chit-chat with the ex over nothing every evening when he's supposed to be spending time with you. The glaringly obvious compromise would be, when it's her and you're together (busy) then instead of saying 'hello', he answers 'hello, is it an emergency?' and when she says 'no, I just wanted xyz' he quickly responds 'ok I'll call you back when I'm free'.

JakieOH · 02/08/2015 13:10

It's glaringly obvious that he doesn't need to answer his phone to her at all Hmm DP put a stop to this carry on if he hadn't we wouldn't be together now. Absolutely no need for get to be phoning like that, she will eventually get the picture.

Saying that if you always wNt to be the 1st person DP grabs when your house goes on fire Confused I'd run for the hills!! Such a weird thing to say Hmm

gotthemoononastick · 02/08/2015 13:22

Run little Belame...run far away! this relationship will suck you dry and waste your years . He wants it all on his terms. You are worth more than this 'secondhand ' situation.

LHReturns · 02/08/2015 13:23

OP, while I still think you should both have a policy not to answer your respective phones while you are out together (because your DP's children are with their mother if and when an emergency happens, not some random irresponsible person; plus it remains seriously bad manners to answer a phone at your table in a restaurant for both your guest and people seated around you - this is why most London members dining clubs are strictly no phones to be even visible at the table).

Check for emergency text messages just before you sit down, if you go to the loo, and immediately after. He does not need to be contactable all the time, and men that dont accept this are worried about something bigger than taking that call.

However OP you will NEVER come first for him, his children will. And even before I had my own child, I always found a man utterly dedicated to his children to be very attractive. Maybe you could find a new way to look at this.

VelmaD · 02/08/2015 13:32

OP you need to walk away. You will never come before his children. In a fire he will always rescue his son first. I know my DP would, and he knows I would rescue mine first. I adore and love my DP more than I've ever loved a man, but my children are my being and come first.

You need to date someone without children. You are too self centred and unable to understand that parental tie it seems. Walk away. Don't be that horrible bitch of a step mother.

Coconuticetea · 02/08/2015 13:56

OP there is no need to walk away from this relationship, DP just needs to learn that there is no need to answer the phone to his ex or tell her what your plans are all the time.

Don't forget your DP wants a relationship with you and he deserves to be happy with someone too. Yes he has a DC and you will all sort something out that makes you all happy. You will come first in some areas of his life and second to his DC in others.

Just talk about it now you have further insight into the situation and different opinions. Most of which side with you tbh.

LokiBear · 02/08/2015 14:09

You are in the wrong relationship. Of course his son comes first. In your ridiculous fire analogy you would lose him if you had the chance to save his son and didn't. Parental love is the strongest force. I'd never forgive my DH if he saved me instead of our dd and he feels the same. Putting our dd first does not mean that we neglect each other. Far from it. You need to grow up and either accept his child's place in his life or leave.

LassUnparalleled · 02/08/2015 14:10

Did no one else read the op like this Confused? at the dhs perfects behaviour and his ex the husky?

Yes I did

LassUnparalleled · 02/08/2015 14:11

OP sorry but children should always come first over the new partner.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/08/2015 14:16

I think I'd even expect any man I respected to rescue someone else's child before me, let alone his own. Obviously in an actual fire I might feel a bit differently, but in theory he ought to, really.

Coconuticetea · 02/08/2015 14:29

Sadly due to the fire analogy the thread is moving in a different direction. I'm sure you would save his DC first if it came to the crunch, but understand how frustrated you feel with your current situation.

You are not making a song and drama at the moment re his ex calling, and now is the time to gently let him know to take a step back from it and deal with it in a more effective way. Ie not to answer the calls and text back later to ask what the emergency is as he is with you right now.

Coconuticetea · 02/08/2015 14:35

And spend lots of time with his DC to get as strong a bond as you can, and have lots of fun with DP and his DC on your family days out.

Coconuticetea · 02/08/2015 14:41

In fact concentrate this summer on organising lots of days out with his DC, parks, zoo, swimming, theme parks to show him that family life can be a really enjoyable experience for all of you. The ex will have no reason to call on your family days out because DC will be with you so therefore no emergencies and she will have no valid reason at all to call then.

jacks11 · 02/08/2015 14:57

YANBU to be irritated by continual interruptions, however, I understand why your OH answers the phone to his ex- he wants to be sure his DS is ok. I think you have to accept this, as you are choosing to be with a man who has a DS from a previous relationship.

If the ex is calling OP's OH about things emergencies related to their DS, then fine and you'll just have to suck it up OP. However, OP's OH could simply answer the phone to ascertain whether it is an emergency/urgent and if it's not say he'll call back later. Or come up with some sort of code (sending a text, which is less intrusive, or call twice). Could you ask him to do this, OP?

I very much doubt that all of these calls have been an emergency. I wonder if there is some game playing going on here.

JakieOH · 02/08/2015 15:13

Just because you are with a man who has DC to another woman does not mean OP has to tolerate her phoning all the time him answering her calls if she doesn't want to. She sounds exactly like my DPs exw, a control freak. nothing to do with her where he is or what he is doing. Don't get this whole 'emergency' thing? Funny she has an 'emergency' every time OP and get DP are out together Hmm they both need told!

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/08/2015 16:32

Sorry, but the 'I should come first' talk makes you sound petulant and immature. Sorry but it does! And that 'who would you save in a fire' question is always bollocks, because it's never likely to be an issue for most of us.

You need to remember that being an interested parent will be a good thing if/when you and he have children. I would not want a man who would happily forget his kid whenever it suited. Does she actually know when you are out, do you post it on social media? Maybe switch to having date nights on different nights. As a compromise he could 'ignore' her call, but text her 'busy right now, is something is wrong?'

GraysAnalogy · 02/08/2015 16:36

I was with you until I read this

If me and his ds were in fire, he would try to save him before me. If he and his ds were in fire I would try to save him first. He is my number one. He is my priority

If you both had children, your child would be first and you'd understand that. When you have children you accept that you're not the priority anymore.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 02/08/2015 19:21

When you have a child of your own and understand the strength of the love most parents have for their DCs, I expect you'll look back at your current attidue and Blush
If you need to be the whole and center of someone's world you're on a hiding to nothing dating any decent man who has a child.

Mygardenistoobig · 02/08/2015 19:57

I am Now thinking that perhaps you are not right for each other.

Both my dp and I have children with ex partners.
His kids ( all adults) can be a pain in the arse. So too can mine. But they are there and they are important. Full stop.

You are beating ypurself up about this when you really should be enjoying your time together.

starlight2007 · 02/08/2015 20:09

And if we had a child together, which he wants to, or would be even worse with me never getting any attention due to his child, his ex and my child.

I can tell you you sound just like my EXh who couldn't understand I had unconditional love for my Ds and not for him.

I certainly don't think you sound ready for children with anyone.

Love for a child is like something amazing. It is the instinct to protect your child over yourself..

You would never be the choice over a child in a fire and if you ever expect it to be different you are deluded.

Metalguru · 02/08/2015 23:55

Yanbu, he does not need to take the call every time, instantly. If he was giving a presentation at work, or working on the tills at Asda and his mobile rang, would be stop work and have a conversation with his ex? Of course not, he would return the call or check for the text that should logically follow, at the first opportunity. It should be agreed that if it is urgent, she texts as well. If it's not, then he calls her back as soon as he can - which means a couple of hours, not the next day.