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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed when my OH picks up calls from his ex wife during our dare night

159 replies

Belame · 01/08/2015 19:33

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed when my OH picks up calls from his ex wife during our date night?

I've been seeing my bf for 3 years. He's been married before but his wife left him for another guy, despite the fact they had a 3 yr old boy. Time have passed and my bf being honorable man that he is, aged for her to keep the house for the sake of his ds. She's been nothing but horrible to him, kicking him out of the house, throwing his clothes out etc. Is been quite acrimonious and horrible at the time. In the meantime, the moment he's moved out she moved her new man in.

We've been seeing each other for quite some time, we don't live together but try to see each other 4-5 times a week. Obviously because of our busy work life I don't get to have a lot of date nights but when we do, we always have a nice time.

That's until she finds. And she always rings. She finds during our dinner together, she rings during our trips out. It's always the same thing, some sort of a stupid question or query. Whilst I know they have a child together, it's really annoying for me, because I just want to have our time together. But he ends up picking up, and it ends up annoying me. I end up being frustrated by constant reminders of her.

Am i being unreasonable to ask him to switch phone or not answer when we are having our date night?

OP posts:

googoodolly · 01/08/2015 19:51

Because he doesn't know it's not an emergency until he answers. And it's important he remains on good terms with her for his son's sake. It's better that they remain civil than hate each other's guts.

I get it's frustrating. I've had the same issue with DP's ex - especially when he answers and she just rants at him, because it changes the atmosphere of the whole evening. BUT he chose to have children with her and I chose to be with him knowing that. I would rather deal with a few irritating phone calls than be with a man who wasn't interested in keeping contact with his DC's mother.

Mj41 · 01/08/2015 19:52

He needs to answer the call in case of emergency, but doesn't need to chat if it's not. Have you told him how you feel? I would be asking him on future nights out if she calls to ask her straight out if it's urgent, if not he will call her back or she can send him a text. If he doesn't engage, she'll soon get fed up if she's doing it for a reaction.

cardibach · 01/08/2015 19:52

Having a child means being on call 24/7. Not to his ex, but to his child, but his ex is the contract point at the moment. I think it's a it rude to speak on the phone during dinner though.

FurtherSupport · 01/08/2015 19:53

He's not really on call to the ex though, he's on call to his son and that is 24/7 forever, as it should be. If you're with him 4-5 evenings a week it's actually quite difficult for her to call when he's neither working nor with you.

If the calls are long and/or not about the child, then it's up to him to end them.

Bellebella · 01/08/2015 19:55

Having a child does mean you are on call 24/7 and if your child is with your ex then you have to have communication there.

Really you need to accept the ex is there and he has to be there for his child 24/7 or the relationship will go nowhere

DisconcertedAndRetired · 01/08/2015 19:58

I don't agree that he has to answer the call. He doesn't even have to have a phone with him. Someone who is not at that moment the custodian does not need to be on call.

howtorebuild · 01/08/2015 19:58

You should be second to his child. What kind of adult thinks they come ahead of a minor child?

The Woman won't know it's date night.

FortyCoats · 01/08/2015 19:58

I think the op understands the life long connection with the mother of his child! She's not asking him to smack her over the head and bury her ffs. She wants some quality time with her OH only to be interrupted in case of emergency.

If I go out with Dh on a date while dd is with her bio dad (doesn't happen anymore as dd doesn't see him anymore) I wouldn't be answering calls unless it was an emergency. I had that arrangement and it's not difficult to agree. Text or ring twice!

If my babysitter (primary carer in my absence) was to ring outside of an emergency, I'd question her ability to be a primary carer.

How many of us have jobs where we cannot answer a call whenever we choose? Lots of us, I'm sure. We know if there is something serious that requires our attendance or at least a callback, the person minding our child(ren) will know how to contact us.

Don't see the need to keep pressing home the "but she's the mother of his child" crapola. The op is not stupid but she entitled to develop and maintain a relationship she feels invested in without having an ex constantly interrupting or strangers on a parenting site treat her like an idiot.

FortyCoats · 01/08/2015 20:00

She's being treated here like the OW!! She isn't, she's THE woman.

FanOfHermione · 01/08/2015 20:00

Tbh I think YANBU.
I would actually have a rule that during your 'date night' ie the meal or whatever all mobiles need to be switched off.

Then agree you can check messages once or twice. Like you would in any other dating situation or of you were visiting a friend or family member anyway.

The worst that can happen and that is VERY unlikely is that an accident would happen but Serioulsy, if he gets the call one hour later, that's ok (I for one, would not expect my DH to be able to ALWAYS answer a phone call when he is out with friends etc...).
In this case, she is clearly trying to get at him and he is playing her game all the way :( as if he was feeling guilty for a situation that is none of his doing.

DisconcertedAndRetired · 01/08/2015 20:00

Having a child does mean you are on call 24/7

Why? Assuming there's another parent who's already with the child, why don't they deal with it themself? What can you do that the other parent can't? Bearing in mind they are separated and supposed to be able to conduct their life independently of you?

FurtherSupport · 01/08/2015 20:00

Really disconcerted? You'd want to be with a man who wouldn't want to know the minute his DC was in hospital? Maybe he doesn't need to be for practical purposes but any half-way decent human being father would want to be.

FanOfHermione · 01/08/2015 20:04

I don't agree either about the' being on call 24/7'.
When I am away and DH looks after the dcs, my phone is switched off most of the time. I check usually in the am, lunch time and once in the evening.

If DH is away, he is with customers and usually in a foreign country so is certainly not on call. Nor is he if he is out and about for his hobby etc...

Why on earth should the op's Bf be on call when his ds is already well cared for by another adult ?

Bellebella · 01/08/2015 20:05

Yeah disconnected really don't get that. I trust the father of my child but if my child is sick, or in the hospital or even just wants a chat with me, am happy to be called, date or not.

Bellebella · 01/08/2015 20:05

*Disconcerted

chantico · 01/08/2015 20:09

I think that a man who takes calls from the 'ex' during dates etc wants to be available to her. And probably not just for the sake of the DC.

They're playing games, and you are not the prize, I'm afraid.

FanOfHermione · 01/08/2015 20:09

Further actually I don't expect my DH to know that one of our dcs is in hospital at the minute it happens.
If I can tell straight away good, if I can't then he will know later.

What I would not accept is someone who learns at 10.00am that something has happened but can't be bothered to make the fort to come before 2.00pm just because it's slightly inconvenient to him.

googoodolly · 01/08/2015 20:09

I think the phone calls are answered because the DP wants to know about his child! If I was the DP, and could help my DC over the phone (cheer them up from a nightmare, for example), I would pick that over a date night, especially when that child is only seven years old and probably misses his daddy!

AliceMum09 · 01/08/2015 20:13

You are not being unreasonable to expect to be able to have an uninterrupted date night.

If you're just at home, or out shopping at the weekend then of course he needs to answer the phone, but for a few hours one evening a week then no, it's not acceptable for her to keep ringing.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/08/2015 20:14

Seriously disconcerted? It's not that the ex can't conduct her life without him, it's that regardless of where he is and who he is with, he still has parental responsibility for his DC. It's got bugger all to do with whether or not his ex can conduct her life independently.

OP you can't control your OH or his ex. You can ask him to end calls quickly when they're not an emergency (but tbh you still haven't said how long he takes on the calls anyway so maybe he already does this).

You can decide whether you want to be with someone who answers calls from their ex. You can also choose to focus on the positives of your night out rather than the phone call. Those are the parts within your control. Tying yourself in knots because your OH answers calls from his ex isn't going to help. Also, your comment about the DS being 7 now seems to imply you thought him being on-call as a dad would suddenly stop. It doesn't. If you thought it was a short-term irritation, it's probably time to realise this is what dating this man with a child is like.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 01/08/2015 20:16

If it's really annoying you why aren't you spelling it out?

If I was eating dinner and he proceeded to take the call and it flowed into chit chat, I would probably say..."sweet, is this an emergency, because our dinner is going cold here...can you call back when we've finished our evening?"

FurtherSupport · 01/08/2015 20:18

Not being able to take calls at work is entirely different to refusing them because of a social engagement. If these calls are frequent and unnecessary then DP needs to deal with that (assuming he wants to) but he shouldn't stop taking calls from his child's mother.

I do agree with those who have suggested he gets and takes so many calls because that's the way he likes it though.

Ultimately OP, you have the choice to decide you can live with it, or not, if you've already told him it upsets you and he's not done anything about it. It is very much for him to deal with, there's no point you getting agitated with his ex, it's him who needs to sort it out.

LokiBear · 01/08/2015 20:19

What kinds of things is she ringing about? If it for his kid to say good night to him or because something is wrong then yabu. If it is to have a chat and a catch up then I can see why you would feel irritated. There is a solution, though. You need to talk to him. ask that he doesn't have long conversations with her during your date night. He could ring them before your date starts in order to say good night. Try not to get angry when you talk to him but do explain how you feel and see if you can find a compromise. Good luck.

FanOfHermione · 01/08/2015 20:20

But she is controlling his life by ringing for no reason at all. Even wo the issue of being with the OP, this guy should NOT take all the phone calls anyway.
Nothing to do with being a parent or having parental responsibility.

If a poster was posting saying that her ex has been making her life hell after divorced, threw her out the house and generally has been a pain and now contact her for me oreason at all, she wild be told to ask for contact only through email (address only for him), or by text as he has no right to contact her like this.
Emergencies are a one off, something like once in a month, if not one in a year (actually, I can recall only of 2 instances when I would have had to ring DH because of an emergency. 2 in 12 years ...).
So no reason what so ever to ring every time this guy is going out (so 2 or three times a week?, always when he is with the OP but not when he is at work or whatever? Hmm)

Timetoask · 01/08/2015 20:24

She sounds horrible! And what a cheek to move in the OM into the house. If that had been a man we'd have different replies.
I think you should talk to your boyfriend about how you are feelig

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