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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed when my OH picks up calls from his ex wife during our dare night

159 replies

Belame · 01/08/2015 19:33

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed when my OH picks up calls from his ex wife during our date night?

I've been seeing my bf for 3 years. He's been married before but his wife left him for another guy, despite the fact they had a 3 yr old boy. Time have passed and my bf being honorable man that he is, aged for her to keep the house for the sake of his ds. She's been nothing but horrible to him, kicking him out of the house, throwing his clothes out etc. Is been quite acrimonious and horrible at the time. In the meantime, the moment he's moved out she moved her new man in.

We've been seeing each other for quite some time, we don't live together but try to see each other 4-5 times a week. Obviously because of our busy work life I don't get to have a lot of date nights but when we do, we always have a nice time.

That's until she finds. And she always rings. She finds during our dinner together, she rings during our trips out. It's always the same thing, some sort of a stupid question or query. Whilst I know they have a child together, it's really annoying for me, because I just want to have our time together. But he ends up picking up, and it ends up annoying me. I end up being frustrated by constant reminders of her.

Am i being unreasonable to ask him to switch phone or not answer when we are having our date night?

OP posts:
googoodolly · 01/08/2015 20:28

It might not be an emergency, maybe it's his 7 year old ringing to say goodnight to his dad. OP hasn't elaborated, but if I was away from my child for the majority of the time, I would answer the phone on a date night if it meant I got to tell them goodnight, or if it meant they could tell me about school for five minutes.

OP hasn't elaborated so we don't actually know whether this guy is chatting/reminiscing with his ex or whether his son is ill/wants to talk to his dad. We can't judge him until we know the details.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/08/2015 20:33

DP's ex is like this, rings him about random things at least once a day from what I can gather, and often while we're out or in bed for the evening.

He always asks if I mind him answering it (obviously during sex he'll leave it!) and then quickly establish if it's important. It's usually her wanting money for something so he says he'll sort it out tomorrow. It is irritating, but I think over time he has realised that the calls are an intrusion so he's better at cutting them short.

He says if it's urgent she will call back/leave a message and text him until she gets him, she won't just give up after one missed call, so there's no panic about answering every single call.

Fwiw, my ex literally never calls me and I never call him. We text or email queries about the DCs or discuss at handover each week. No need for any urgent contact in between.

However, I hate phones and I accept that for some people calling is the easier option than faffing about typing, so his ex's method of communicating is to call and get a response Asap, passing the issue to him so that she doesn't need to remember any more. It's like a brain dump, getting rid of the thought and passing responsibility to him.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/08/2015 20:37

And yes, sometimes it is the DCs using their mum's phone, so if he happens to answer then great, if not it won't do them any harm to know that he also has a life and that sometimes (at the cinema for example, or whilst having a romantic meal) he isn't necessarily available, any more than he is always available at work, or when he is with them and I call him. Sometimes phone signals are crap or your phone is charging in another room. It's not the end of the world if you're not contactable 24/7.

LHReturns · 01/08/2015 20:41

What a joke, OP you are are certainly NBU.

My partner has two children aged 7 and 9, and would never answer his phone during dinner with me. I wouldn't with him either and we have a baby at home! That is time for us to focus on each other, and even a one minute phone call breaks the moment.

Both of us glance at our phones just before arrival, then when either of us goes to the loo, and in the taxi afterwards, and that is plenty. We trust the people with our children (ex-wife for his kids, or our nanny for ours), and even if there was a dramatic medical emergency, we would get the message soon enough, while the other carer dealt with it.

OP, surely your OH has numerous times during the day when he can't answer the phone because of meetings or similar...and your date night is no less important than a business meeting. Plus, phones ringing (and being answered) in a decent restaurant is tacky, classless behaviour, and a horrible reminder of our electronics dominated world today.

Having a child does not mean you answer every phone call for the rest of your life. Either she or he has a problem, and I feel very sorry for you.

KneeQuestion · 01/08/2015 20:46

Are you sure they are seperated?

starlight2007 · 01/08/2015 20:51

I am still not sure what she is phoning about...If she is updating about the children and he is interested it is all good..However are these quick calls or a long chat...Does he ever say will sort it out tomorrow, can I call you back about this later.

I think ~YABU to aks him not to answer the phone however a long social call during dinner does need discussion.. I am also not sure if you think she is phoning on purpose

SlaggyIsland · 01/08/2015 20:53

How on earth did people cope without mobile phones? Are we really expected to be contactable 24/7 now? It's like being electronically tagged or something.

Marynary · 01/08/2015 20:54

It seems a bit strange. Why does his ex know when you are on a "date night". How long does your DP talk to her? Can't he just check that it's nothing urgent and if it isn't say that he will call her in the morning?

FurtherSupport · 01/08/2015 20:55

Before mobile phones, parents gave the restaurant's number to the babysitter....obviously, you knew if someone rang then it was a proper emergency, but you didn't just go off and be uncontactable if you were a parent.

BlueBlueSea · 01/08/2015 20:58

He should ignore the call and then text that he is out, unless it is an emergency he will call later.

We get this all the time and we live together. If either of the ex's work out that we have gone away for a night or a weekend we will get endless calls. Drives us mad, we just tell them to fuck off now.

BettyCatKitten · 01/08/2015 21:12

The curse of the mobile phone! Yanbu I'd be pissed off too.
Although as they have a child together he needs to be contactable, but he could keep the call short and perfunctory.
Perhaps it's time for you to find a new man who focuses all his attention on you? That's what I would do Flowers

maddening · 01/08/2015 21:18

When I am away fron home with ds I generally would not bother dfiance unless it was an emergency and thr same with him - maybe a cute photo of ds if we were doing something fun - unless the child suffers illnesses or disability there really is not a need for the mother to be constantly contacting the father. perhaps they would have skype set up so the dc can speak to his dad but again no need for lots of random phone calls - therefire imo the ex is being unreasonable (to what end I couldn't guess) in constantly calling your dp - but your dp is not unreasonable ti answer as it could be an emergency.

yes - they will always be in contact but there is no reason for suh regular contact with the ex - bar regular skype and calls with his son but ine would assume that would be a regular arranged time and not im the middle of dinner.

Ally1234 · 01/08/2015 21:24

Yanbu! I feel your pain. dh's went through a phase of phoning him at least once daily, sometimes more, even occasionally popping into work to see him. One weekend, although he had seen her at 6pm on the Saturday picking sdd up and would see her at 6pm Sunday when he dropped sdd back she still manages to phone him 5 times on the Sunday. And he ALWAYS answers as "it's always about sdd" and could be important . Well I'm sorry but phoning at 9pm to say you can't find any school tights and do we have any we can give does not class as important. It was always trivial things like that. Drove me nuts. Then she decided she didn't like us (Christmas was coming up, always a difficult time) and then refused to speak to dh at all for 6 weeks. ''Twas bliss. YANBU but at the same time, what can you do except deal with it. There are times when step-parenting really sucks x

oabiti · 01/08/2015 21:24

My ex would text when he had our dc and he knew I was dating. It was so obvious & slightly Creepy, especially as:- a) He has the dc with him, so texting asking how I was on my 'night off' was a bit Hmm b) he was never generous with his txts once dc were back with me and he had one-to-one time with his gf.

It is v irritating.

Tryharder · 01/08/2015 21:28

When I read threads like this, it's hard to imagine that we all used to manage perfectly well without mobile phones. 10-15 years ago it was considered bad form to keep your phone switched on in company. How things have changed!

In the unlikely event of an emergency, the XW who is the primary carer should be able to call an ambulance by herself. The DP does not need to be on 24/7 speed dial access to the XW.

OP, I get 100% how irritated you must feel. It's not clear whether he sits chatting with her on the phone or whether it's a 'what's up/ok will sort it out/thanks for letting me know/bye' type of conversation. I could probably live with the latter.

As others have pointed out, she won't go away. If you have made it clear to him how much this pisses you off and he hasn't taken steps to alleviate the situation, you can only decide whether he's worth the hassle or not.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

kua · 01/08/2015 21:47

Ideally both parents should be available to to talk about child issues at any time. Children should have access to both as well.
Parents do have to talk about the daily diary that their kids have to do . That said, if I was to phone my ex and they needed to call me back later. Fine. He would do the same for me.

I do talk to my ex on a regular basis, (almost daily) of which his new wife is absolutely aware of.

I think she is a fab addition to my son's life.

I also speak to her too, possibly because she is a great person .

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/08/2015 22:26

What on earth do any of you need to talk about on a daily basis?! Genuine question.

There is nothing that pressing about any of my 3 DCs that I need to share with my ex that can't wait until I see him or can't be put in an email for him to read at his convenience.

I am perfectly capable, as are my DCs of going 24-48 hours without contact. It would be nice if their dad ever wanted to speak to them during his 5-6 days without them and I would happily facilitate this, but not at any random hour when it interrupted my time with DP, but when it suited all of us.

I had to endure phone calls from DP's ex on Valentine's Day (we were in bed), at the stroke of midnight on NYE and then, the hat trick, a skype call from his DCs on my 40th birthday on our trip abroad, with the ex sitting there with them to chat about his trip!

It's fucking annoying! I do not want her there for all of the significant dates in my life and I certainly don't think I should have to share my DP with her on NYE because she can't think of anyone else she wants to talk to! He only answered it in case it was the DCs wanting to talk to him, but they were in bed!

Coconuticetea · 01/08/2015 22:43

I've been through this. I just told him he really didn't need to answer the phone everytime. He learnt very quickly that the world wasn't going to implode if he didn't answer the phone everytime it rang.

Its the guilt towards the child. It's not his feeling towards the ex, so don't worry about that.

She is playing him. He has to just not answer the phone. Just gently tell him that if he stops answering she will stop calling.

Tell him that if you answer his phone each time she calls and take a message she will soon stop her silly games.

Just because they have a child together does not mean she can call every 5 mins, it's just not necessary.

She can text arrangements and bog off.

Coconuticetea · 01/08/2015 22:51

kua talking to your ex on a daily basis is definitely not normal I can assure you. You are deluding yourself. Your ex and new partner are humouring you and just wish you would leave them alone and just call once a week if that. preferably just text like normal ex's

Coconuticetea · 01/08/2015 22:53

OP if the ex moves her new DP into the house she is no longer actually allowed to legally live there as her new DP is now supporting her.

Tell your DP this and if he does nothing about it then he really needs you to bust his balls.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 01/08/2015 23:03

Neither DH myself would answer the phone and have a conversation at the dinner table. DH is away, and we said goodnight at 3:30pm because he was going out. I'd text in an emergency but wouldn't call him.

I work away and do like to call DS and DH for a chat. if they go out for dinner I don't expect them to answer.

I think it's odd for exes to call each other everyday. You need to talk to your oh.

kua · 01/08/2015 23:04

I've been divorced for 15 years. Sorry to disappoint you all, but I'm good friends with my ex and his wife and yes we talk daily. We are a family and we talk all the time!

JakieOH · 01/08/2015 23:05

You are absolutely NBU and I find it incredible that people say 'they hVe a child together so ...'! phones have a text facility, no need for it at all. I had this issue with DP when we first got together. I made it clear that I wouldn't play second fiddle to his exw, his kids yes but not her. They are 2 seoerate things.

You need to make sure he sees the difference between doing what his exw wants and what is right for the DC. she has no reason to phone him like that and he certainly shouldnt be answering when he is out with you Shock I woukd nip it in the bud and if it doesn't change I woukd think seriously about it. This has nothing to do with the DC and everything to do with his controlling ex IMHO.

Coconuticetea · 01/08/2015 23:11

kua you are not family anymore, they are just being polite and would rather you did not call them daily.

I can assure you if you only text once a week and not call at all they will thank you for it.

JakieOH · 01/08/2015 23:14

Kua, obviously you aren't phonong your exh demanding money, wanting to know what he has been doing, where and who with? Perhaps demanding that your ex and his lovely wife cancel their dinner plans so you can go out on the town, then calling her an interfering child hating bitch if she refuses? This is the flip side so it's nice that you and your exH are BFFs Hmm but it's certainly not 'the norm'.