Dh discussing our/my decision with mutual friend

[MustBeLoopy390]

Cutting a long story as short as possible, after 4 mentally hard pregnancies, 1 loss and 3 distressing births I discussed sterilisation with my dh, I want to have my tubes tied as its my choice I didn't push for him to have a vasectomy as I know he does not want one at all. A mutual friend (we'll call her Sally) called round this morning for a cuppa and to chat, the topic of my sterilisation came up and I told her that dh and I were happy that my referral had gone through yesterday and I'd be seen within a few months to set the ball rolling. Sally then informed me (and showed me the messages) that dh is absolutely devastated and wants his own bio dd ('our' dd is from a previous relationship and dh brought her up as his own) aibu to flip at him when he gets home from work?! I'm absolutely shocked at him and it makes me wonder what else he has said to Sally over the years we have been together! What in people's opinions would be the best way to raise this and deal with it? It's such a shock as he's never done anything like this (to my knowledge) before and we've always been honest and open with each other.

[Spartans]

She has let her friend know that her DH is bitching about joint decisions behind her back.

That's hilarious! When a woman speaks to a friend about martial problems or decisions she is looking for support. When a man does it....it's bitching

[LazyLohan]

I think a lot of posts on this thread are a good example of why some men can't do anything right for some mumsnetters. I can absolutely guarantee that if he had told the OP how he felt and she'd posted about that he would have been ripped to shreds for being an unsupportive bastard who was trying to make her feel guilty and wanted to keep her barefoot and pregnant.

He hasn't. He seems to have tried very hard to make sure that his feelings didn't influence the OP and he didn't try to guilt trip her when he knew she wanted to do it.

Yes he confided in a friend. I would love to see the reaction on here if a man was telling a woman that she couldn't confide in her friends about her feelings or things she didn't feel she could talk to her partner about.

[wafflyversatile]

Yep, although most posts have been supportive and understanding.

There are some threads that I think I should make a note of then do a reversal thread in a month's time and see what happens. I'd be genuinely interested to test my own assumptions too. Too lazy though. Plus people seem to get disproportionately irate about them.

[BathtimeFunkster]

When a woman speaks to a friend about martial problems or decisions she is looking for support. When a man does it....it's bitching

No, if a person of either gender goes to a mutual friend and starts bellyaching about something they have not even mentioned to their spouse in the course of their (supposedly) mutual decision making, then that is bitching.

And being "devastated" because you didn't get to have (biological) children of both genders is not something that usually gets so much support and understanding.

But maybe that's because it's women who are complaining, not big important men whose feels are so, so important...

[Spartans]

bathtime you are wrong for many reasons.

Firstly, confiding in a friend isn't bitching. It's confiding in a friend. It's entirely possible to support your spouse whilst not being happy about it. The dh may agree it's the best thing but still be sad.

Women do get support when they have gender disappointment. If the dh was trying to force the op to have another baby, on the off chance it's a girl because that's how he was handling his disappointment. Then he would be being unreasonable. If a woman came here with gender disappointment to the point she was ruining Her relationship, then she would, usually, be told that's it's ok to be sad but also she needs to deal with it and move on. I am also pretty sure part of that would involve the question 'do you have any friends you can discuss this with?'

[fourtothedozen]

You are denying him a child by considering sterilisation?

Does he have any of his own?
No wonder he is pissed off. He would be better moving on. Imagine if the situation was reversed and it was some guy considering vasectomy because his "family was complete"..
So she then confides to a friend.
She would have all his sympathies.
OP you should be considering how you are able to ride so roughshod over this guys feelings.

[saintlyjimjams]

Read the thread four - he has two biological children with the OP (sons) & a stepdaughter - he wants a biological daughter.

Op just talk to him, sally might me making for of a meal of it than it is to him - hard to convey tone in text etc. It sounds as if there's 1001 reasons not to keep trying for a girl - and plenty of us have 3 sons :stares at own family:

[needstoscream]

Um four reread the ops posts. She has 2 ds with her dh. She has mentally suffered through 4 pregnancies - 1 which ended in a loss and 3 distressing births.
Op talk to your dh. Don't go mad at him but explain how hurt you feel.

[VivaLeBeaver]

I dint thinks hes lying toto you as such.........maybe more trying to think of you nd your feelings?

If he'd told you what he told Sally what would you do? Would you say ok we'll have another baby? Doubtful when you have good reasons for not wanting anymore. Or would you go ahead but feel guilty? So maybe he isn trying to stop that scenario because deep down he knows its for the best.

Sometimes your heart says one thing and your head another but you have to listen to your head.

I got sterilised. I'm sad I only have one dc. I was sad the day I was sterilised, but it was still then rignt thing.

[Hissy]

The friend could be putting words in the DH mouth, he may not have said anything near as emotive as DEVASTATED, but only calmly raising it would get to the bottom of it.

He's entitled to be disappointed at not having a daughter of his own with the OP, but DDs aren't born to order, and the DH knows this.

I am willing to bet that this is a storm in a teacup.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Bathtime

"But maybe that's because it's women who are complaining, not big important men whose feels are so, so important..."

I'm sorry but your prejudice is showing.

[MustBeLoopy390]

Thank you for all the replies, we've sat and had a good long discussion about it all and we have decided we need to look at all the possibilities and ins and outs of sterilisation, having another or long term contraceptives with no more children. He didn't want me to feel pressured into trying again due to the issues I have around pregnancy and birth but also didn't know how to raise it with me directly. Dh felt quite annoyed that Sally had ran to me to tell me what was said, we've both decided that we cannot trust her with sensitive things again but don't want to cut her out of our lives completely.

[Spartans]

Really glad you sorted it OP.

I can see where both of you are coming from, also I agree that I wouldn't trust Sally in future.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Pleased for you OP

[BathtimeFunkster]

we've both decided that we cannot trust her with sensitive things again

Really?

Poor Sally.

She didn't ask your DH to unburden himself to her.

Do either of you think you'd be better off if he was still "devastated" about your planned sterilisation and you were oblivious and went ahead?

It sounds to me like she has been an excellent friend to your marriage.

And now you and your DH are pissed off with her because she didn't keep his secrets.

Secrets you were glad to find out.

What's your beef with her?

[GraysAnalogy]

The reactions from folk on this thread are very worrying. It's not 'bitching' for a person to want support from a friend. Half of the threads of the forum wouldnt exist if people didn't come on to talk and seek support. He just did it with someone they both know instead of randoms on the internet.

[Spartans]

bath are you Sally?

How do you know she didn't ask him to, she may have.

The OP is found a happy resolution and is ok with the reasons he didn't tell her. Why are you so insistent that Sally was helping, when neither the OP or her DH do.

Why are so insistent that the DH is a bit of twat?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

BathtimeFunkster

"What's your beef with her?"

Maybe its because she has almost cause a major rift between the OP and her DH?

Maybe its because she has broken a confidence?

[BathtimeFunkster]

How do you know she didn't ask him to, she may have.



So you think Sally somehow knew he was devastated about his wife's impending sterilisation and wormed it out of him?

The sneaky bitch!

Why are you so insistent that Sally was helping, when neither the OP or her DH do.

Because the whole basis of the update is that they have had a really good chat that they couldn't have had without Sally.

I can see why the DH is a bit peeved, but think he could get over himself and recognise that they are better off for having had a conversation he was too chicken to have.

I can't see why the OP has agreed not to trust a friend who seems to have her back.

[Spartans]

think Sally somehow knew he was devastated about his wife's impending sterilisation and wormed it out of him?

Did I say she worked it out of him? I actually said earlier, a lot may depend on whether he approached her or she approached him.

Maybe she also knew he wanted a bio dd. Maybe she asked him how he felt, therefore inviting him to unload.

Of course the dh should have spoken to his wife, but as the OP explained he didn't feel he could or know how to. Unfortunately Bath, most of us aren't perfect and sometimes don't know what the right thing to do is. It doesn't make us bad people or mean we are bitching when we talk it through with someone else.

The OP obviously doesn't feel Sally did it out of the goodness of her heart. Since she knows Sally, I am willing to take her stance on it.

[LazyLohan]

I'm really glad you've sorted it out. I don't think he was doing anything wrong but, given the outcome, I think bath might have a point.

As a result of her telling you this you're going to discuss it again and rethink your options. I suspect neither of you were 100% committed to the idea of a sterilisation, but you were both going along with what you thought the other wanted. Perhaps, as she had discussed it with both of you, Sally sensed this and felt she needed to say something so you didn't sleepwalk into something you didn't really want.

It seems like things have worked out for the best, I wouldn't be too cross with Sally, ultimately I think she's done you both a favour.

It's kind of a nice outcome, because you don't really have to be cross with anybody!

[BathtimeFunkster]

So the right thing for Sally to do, as a mutual friend of this couple, was to keep one friend's confidence and in the process allow his wife to have an irreversible medical procedure that Sally knew he desperately didn't want her to have, while the wife (also her friend) was completely oblivious to his feelings and the possible future ramifications for their marriage?



Um... OK.

I think she made the best, kindest, and most moral choice available to her.

But sure, she's an untrustworthy shitstirrer.

[WayneRooneysHair]

I'm glad that it's been resolved but some of the comments in this thread are worrying, as a male I prefer to think that I confide in my best friend, not bitch to them.

[CassieBearRawr]

Bit weird that after booking sterilisation because you absolutely cannot countenance having any more pregnancies you're now considering other options or possibly more children so he can have a girl. What happens if the next one's a boy too? I get his mourning for the bio daughter he's never going to have, but it was either serious enough to warrant sterilisation or not.