Dh discussing our/my decision with mutual friend

[MustBeLoopy390]

Cutting a long story as short as possible, after 4 mentally hard pregnancies, 1 loss and 3 distressing births I discussed sterilisation with my dh, I want to have my tubes tied as its my choice I didn't push for him to have a vasectomy as I know he does not want one at all. A mutual friend (we'll call her Sally) called round this morning for a cuppa and to chat, the topic of my sterilisation came up and I told her that dh and I were happy that my referral had gone through yesterday and I'd be seen within a few months to set the ball rolling. Sally then informed me (and showed me the messages) that dh is absolutely devastated and wants his own bio dd ('our' dd is from a previous relationship and dh brought her up as his own) aibu to flip at him when he gets home from work?! I'm absolutely shocked at him and it makes me wonder what else he has said to Sally over the years we have been together! What in people's opinions would be the best way to raise this and deal with it? It's such a shock as he's never done anything like this (to my knowledge) before and we've always been honest and open with each other.

[Sapat]

You both agree that you can't have more children for a number of perfectly logical and pragmatic reasons. That doesn't mean that in your heart, you might still want another child.

However, by getting sterilised, you are forever closing the door on the possibility of changing your mind. If is a big decision to make. I understand his ambivalence.

We have 3 DCs. We can't afford or cope with more (well, we could, but it would seriously compromise our lifestyle). I would refuse to get sterilised, but if DH was adamant on a vasectomy I would feel awkward. His body, his choice, but it affects both of us.it is all so final.tbh, as I am at the end of my 30s I am probably nearing the end of m reproductive life anyway so feel something so drastic is not necessary as you can prevent pregnancy in many other ways.

I think you need to talk more, although if you are both sticking to your guns you might need to defer your decision by a few months. He will need to grieve for the children he will never have.

I think Sally was just trying to help. And she has by forcing you both to start talking again.

[Spartans]

think she made the best, kindest, and most moral choice available to her.

Yes is some cases a friend doing this is acting in what they feel is in the couples best interests.

In some cases people do it because they like to cause a bit of bother. The OPs opinion is that Sally is the latter. Since she knows her and we don't its, I am willing to go with the OPs point of view.

[wafflyversatile]

Well I'm glad you've spoken and not flipped.

If you say that Sally seemed a bit too happy to be breaking the news to you then that's good enough for me. You were there and we weren't.

Good luck. Thank you for updating us.

[CassieBearRawr]

Does he know this is just a 'clear the air' discussion and not actually going to lead to anything else? I don't really see what else there is to see about your side tbh, if after some terrible pregnancies which seem to have left a deep scar on you and your family he still wants you to do it all again what can you really say that will change his mind?

[reni1]

I think it is easier to talk if you have a scapegoat. Had he come out to say "I don't feel great about this" it might have gone down differently. This way, the non-communication anger can land on Sally, who is not there.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

If Sally had said to the OP's DH that he should go to her and tell her what he was feeling I would agree but as there is no mention of that anywhere, I think that her intentions where less than altruistic.

[reni1]

I think many relationships would benefit from a Sally.

[reni1]

But had it not been for Sally you wouldn't have this conversation so she really did do a good thing there. Maybe all she wanted was for you two to sit down and do what you are now doing.

[MustBeLoopy390]

Discussing all pros and cons is mainly so we can see each other's side of the decision, I am still very much against putting myself and (in a round about way) my family through another pregnancy and birth. I just want to see from my dh's point of view and he agrees he needs to see mine. The issue with Sally is that she took great pride in disclosing what dh had said, it's the attitude behind it I have a huge problem with.

[CassieBearRawr]

Bit weird that after booking sterilisation because you absolutely cannot countenance having any more pregnancies you're now considering other options or possibly more children so he can have a girl. What happens if the next one's a boy too? I get his mourning for the bio daughter he's never going to have, but it was either serious enough to warrant sterilisation or not.

[WayneRooneysHair]

I'm glad that it's been resolved but some of the comments in this thread are worrying, as a male I prefer to think that I confide in my best friend, not bitch to them.

[BathtimeFunkster]

So the right thing for Sally to do, as a mutual friend of this couple, was to keep one friend's confidence and in the process allow his wife to have an irreversible medical procedure that Sally knew he desperately didn't want her to have, while the wife (also her friend) was completely oblivious to his feelings and the possible future ramifications for their marriage?



Um... OK.

I think she made the best, kindest, and most moral choice available to her.

But sure, she's an untrustworthy shitstirrer.

[LazyLohan]

I'm really glad you've sorted it out. I don't think he was doing anything wrong but, given the outcome, I think bath might have a point.

As a result of her telling you this you're going to discuss it again and rethink your options. I suspect neither of you were 100% committed to the idea of a sterilisation, but you were both going along with what you thought the other wanted. Perhaps, as she had discussed it with both of you, Sally sensed this and felt she needed to say something so you didn't sleepwalk into something you didn't really want.

It seems like things have worked out for the best, I wouldn't be too cross with Sally, ultimately I think she's done you both a favour.

It's kind of a nice outcome, because you don't really have to be cross with anybody!

[Spartans]

think Sally somehow knew he was devastated about his wife's impending sterilisation and wormed it out of him?

Did I say she worked it out of him? I actually said earlier, a lot may depend on whether he approached her or she approached him.

Maybe she also knew he wanted a bio dd. Maybe she asked him how he felt, therefore inviting him to unload.

Of course the dh should have spoken to his wife, but as the OP explained he didn't feel he could or know how to. Unfortunately Bath, most of us aren't perfect and sometimes don't know what the right thing to do is. It doesn't make us bad people or mean we are bitching when we talk it through with someone else.

The OP obviously doesn't feel Sally did it out of the goodness of her heart. Since she knows Sally, I am willing to take her stance on it.

[BathtimeFunkster]

How do you know she didn't ask him to, she may have.



So you think Sally somehow knew he was devastated about his wife's impending sterilisation and wormed it out of him?

The sneaky bitch!

Why are you so insistent that Sally was helping, when neither the OP or her DH do.

Because the whole basis of the update is that they have had a really good chat that they couldn't have had without Sally.

I can see why the DH is a bit peeved, but think he could get over himself and recognise that they are better off for having had a conversation he was too chicken to have.

I can't see why the OP has agreed not to trust a friend who seems to have her back.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

BathtimeFunkster

"What's your beef with her?"

Maybe its because she has almost cause a major rift between the OP and her DH?

Maybe its because she has broken a confidence?

[Spartans]

bath are you Sally?

How do you know she didn't ask him to, she may have.

The OP is found a happy resolution and is ok with the reasons he didn't tell her. Why are you so insistent that Sally was helping, when neither the OP or her DH do.

Why are so insistent that the DH is a bit of twat?

[GraysAnalogy]

The reactions from folk on this thread are very worrying. It's not 'bitching' for a person to want support from a friend. Half of the threads of the forum wouldnt exist if people didn't come on to talk and seek support. He just did it with someone they both know instead of randoms on the internet.

[BathtimeFunkster]

we've both decided that we cannot trust her with sensitive things again

Really?

Poor Sally.

She didn't ask your DH to unburden himself to her.

Do either of you think you'd be better off if he was still "devastated" about your planned sterilisation and you were oblivious and went ahead?

It sounds to me like she has been an excellent friend to your marriage.

And now you and your DH are pissed off with her because she didn't keep his secrets.

Secrets you were glad to find out.

What's your beef with her?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Pleased for you OP

[Spartans]

Really glad you sorted it OP.

I can see where both of you are coming from, also I agree that I wouldn't trust Sally in future.

[MustBeLoopy390]

Thank you for all the replies, we've sat and had a good long discussion about it all and we have decided we need to look at all the possibilities and ins and outs of sterilisation, having another or long term contraceptives with no more children. He didn't want me to feel pressured into trying again due to the issues I have around pregnancy and birth but also didn't know how to raise it with me directly. Dh felt quite annoyed that Sally had ran to me to tell me what was said, we've both decided that we cannot trust her with sensitive things again but don't want to cut her out of our lives completely.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Bathtime

"But maybe that's because it's women who are complaining, not big important men whose feels are so, so important..."

I'm sorry but your prejudice is showing.

[Hissy]

The friend could be putting words in the DH mouth, he may not have said anything near as emotive as DEVASTATED, but only calmly raising it would get to the bottom of it.

He's entitled to be disappointed at not having a daughter of his own with the OP, but DDs aren't born to order, and the DH knows this.

I am willing to bet that this is a storm in a teacup.