Dh discussing our/my decision with mutual friend

[MustBeLoopy390]

Cutting a long story as short as possible, after 4 mentally hard pregnancies, 1 loss and 3 distressing births I discussed sterilisation with my dh, I want to have my tubes tied as its my choice I didn't push for him to have a vasectomy as I know he does not want one at all. A mutual friend (we'll call her Sally) called round this morning for a cuppa and to chat, the topic of my sterilisation came up and I told her that dh and I were happy that my referral had gone through yesterday and I'd be seen within a few months to set the ball rolling. Sally then informed me (and showed me the messages) that dh is absolutely devastated and wants his own bio dd ('our' dd is from a previous relationship and dh brought her up as his own) aibu to flip at him when he gets home from work?! I'm absolutely shocked at him and it makes me wonder what else he has said to Sally over the years we have been together! What in people's opinions would be the best way to raise this and deal with it? It's such a shock as he's never done anything like this (to my knowledge) before and we've always been honest and open with each other.

[Athenaviolet]

Wow this must have come as quite a blow to you!

Is he actually against your sterilisation?

I'd be seriously worried that he has in the back of his mind that he could go and have a second family down the road. He def seems to want to leave that door open.

How stable is your marriage otherwise?

[PtolemysNeedle]

Of course he doesn't Waggle - that's why he's agreed that his wife's sterilisation is the right thing to do.

[DoJo]

But surely he can want a biological daughter but still feel that this is the right decision for you and your family? In the same way that I would love to have a big family, but know that realistically 2 children is probably about as many as I should and will have. Doing the thing that you know is right and makes sense doesn't necessarily stop you from being upset at acknowledging that something you might have wanted will no longer be an option.

[UrethraFranklin1]

But he's only said the same to her as he as always said to you: you say he has never made a secret of the fact that he would like his own daughter as well.
It appears he is being supportive to you, agreeing with what you want, but admitting to his friend that he has some unresolved feelings about it...which you are already aware of.

I don't see what he has done wrong here at all. He's allowed to feel however he wants about it. He's allowed to express his feelings to a friend, same as you do. What is the problem, exactly?

[Catzeyess]

Op I know you are cross with him, but please don't 'flip out' at him. From what you have said he seems like a supportive DP who is a difficult situation and is not handling it well.

If I would you I would bring it up gently and ask why he didn't feel he could raise it with you.

Also don't take it personally about your DD, is her bio dad still in the picture?

[Spartans]

I can't quite see what he has done wrong.

He wants a bio dd, which you know. However he has supported your choice due to your traumatic pregnancies. Regardless of his feelings. He has accepted that you are doing this.

But confided in a friend it upsets him. Which is his right to do?


I can't imagine you being happy if he tried to stop you have the operation and convince you to have another baby.

Instead of flipping out, why not discuss why he felt he couldn't be honest.

[honeyroar]

I can't see what he has done wrong. He and you have come to a decision, even though he would have liked a girl he knows it wouldn't be the right thing. But he's chatted with a friend, perhaps because he thinks discussing his sadness with you would change nothing but hurt you? If anything, I think Sally shouldn't have said anything. But I guess she's caught in the middle and worried about him.

[Branleuse]

id be pissed off that he felt he could open his heart to someone else, while pretending to me that he was fine and ok with such a big decision. Id want to find out more about that, and look into why he felt he couldnt be honest with me

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

I think you're completely over-reacting. You've come to a decision together but that doesn't mean he can't feel sad about it, or discuss those feelings of sadness with friends. He probably didn't want to upset you any more, and wants you to be safe from further hurt, but that doesn't mean that he has to deny his own feelings.

I think that if you 'flip' at him, as you say in your OP that you intend to, it would be spectacularly unfair. You're both sad about what could have been, and blaming him for feelings which he has tried to protect you from could potentially be really damaging to your relationship.

[achieve6]

YABU

he respected your choice because it's your body I imagine. What a nice chap if that's the reason why. But he confided his feelings to a friend.

Sally is at fault here I reckon.

don't flip at him. I suspect he wasn't honest with you because he didn't want to interfere with a very personal decision.

[RedDaisyRed]

Lots of people confide in a friend. I don't see the problem particularly if he told the friend to keep it confidential.
As for having a child difficult one - may be do try for a daughter - IVF abroad with female baby implanted only might be the solution.

[MustBeLoopy390]

Marriage otherwise stable, not at all worried about him 'going elsewhere' kind of thing. Dd's bio dad is still around, but it's very hit and miss, can be months to a year without contact sometimes. The problem I had was that he told me he was more than happy for me to be sterilised because of the amount of children we have (he doesn't/didn't think we would manage with 4 financially etc) and other factors yet has told a mutual friend he's 'devastated' that I'm going for it. I honestly wouldn't be upset if he had told me exactly how he feels while discussing it rather than (as it seems to me now) assuming that I'd figure out that he wants another from a conversation we had a very long time ago! It's the not feeling like he can tell me how he feels that's hurt the most and yes I know at the moment I am all over hormones wise after ds2's birth and probably over reacting a little but dh knows how important honesty is to me.

[NoNameDame]

HIBU - he should not have talked to Sally, there's a big difference in what you said to her and what he did. You just casually said something of little significance(you have a joint opinion as you though you were both on the same page) whereas he betrayed your trust completely by disclosing details that's made you as a couple seem at odds with each other, if there is a problem in a relationship he's got an obligation to tell you about it before discussing it with other people. My dh would never do that to me as I would be embarrassed that someone else knew about a fraught and sensitive issue between us. By not telling you he has given you no chance to deal with this like grown ups, he's trying to play the martyr by going faking with what you want but then complaining to everyone else for sympathy about it.

Are any of your kids his? E.g has he got a bio son but not a dd? I'd initially be hurt that he wanted a bio daughter but I'd try to be understanding as he cant help his feelings.

You need to have a big talk with him about trying harder to communicate openly with you when he gets back.

I hope he's reasonable enough to not betray your trust like this again and I hope he also puts your needs above his regarding having another dc.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

NoNameDame

"You just casually said something of little significance"

Really? the OP must have had discussions with Sally about this in the past for the topic to have come up.

How was the OP betrayed? She knows that her DP wants/wanted a bio daughter, she knows that her dh thinks that having her tubes tied is for the best, and that he is supporting her.

I would like to know if Sally has form for stirring, because what she has said has in no way benefited the OP at all and she has betrayed the confidence of (what I assume) is a close friend.

[UrethraFranklin1]

You can be upset at the thought of no more children while still agreeing that you have enough on a practical level.

You say he's said the same thing to you many times, so how is it that he is saying something to her he won't share with you?

[Alfonzoindehouse]

Could it be that you are upset he does not see your dd as his?

[drudgetrudy]

Are you sure that what Sally has told you is absolutely accurate-I would check that out with him. Also its possible to really want another child but to know that isn't the best thing for you or for the rest of the family.

[Alfonzoindehouse]

You should be worried that he is devasted he does not have a daughter. He might love yours but she is not his

[NoNameDame]

Saying 'we're happy with ....' Is very different to saying 'I'm devastated with something my wife is doing.....'

Honestly I can't see how anyone wouldn't feel betrayed by their partner telling someone else their dw or dh is doing something that is devastating them when they haven't been honest to actually have a conversation about it together first.

The op mentions that she knows he wants a bio dd from 1 conversation they had ages ago, he clearly hasn't told the op he is devastated and it doesn't sound like he has even approached the subject recently otherwise why would the op say that they are both happy the appointment has come through. Assuming she's not lying, she clearly thinks that he, like her, is happy that the appointment has come through.

It sounds like they (as a couple) have had high end discussion about this in the past with mutual friends but to me going into too much detail is a betrayal of trust, e.g you might tell a mutual friend your buying a house but I wouldn't expect my dh to go into the ins & outs of the finances of it all. I might tell a friend we're not planning to have more kids (question that often gets asked just after you've had a baby like the op) but I would never, and would be horrified if my dh did, go into the details of the agonising emotional conversations/ arguments etc about it.

People are saying that the dh just needed to confide in a friend, this friend doesn't seem particularly close (ie sibling, old uni friend, best friend, etc) so I would be annoyed at dh disclosing something so personal, after all he's not just talking about his feelings but the family situation.

The be all and end all of this is that he should have behaved like an adult and told you how he felt rather than attention seeking elsewhere!

[LazyLohan]

I think if he had said to you that he was devastated and wanted a DD and you'd posted that on here he'd be getting a flaming and there would be screams of 'Your body, your choice'.

I suspect that he has these feelings but ultimately knows that it is your body and your choice and didn't discuss his feelings in depth with you because he didn't want you to feel like you were being guilt tripped into a pregnancy which he knows you really don't want. He has supported your decision and not tried to talk you out of it by imposing his wants on you.

He's dealt with his difficult feelings by discussing them with a friend. That friend has broken his confidence and she is also possibly trying to guilt trip you into not going ahead despite the fact this is clearly something your DH wanted to avoid.

The only way I can really see this being a problem is if you have some doubts and you would have considered having a fourth child if your DH had been supportive of that.

But if that's not the case and you are certain that you want the op, I don't see what him telling you would have achieved other than making you feel guilty and pressured to back out. In those circumstances I think he would have done exactly the right thing not discussing it with you.

[hedgehogsdontbite]

I don't understand the questioning about why the OP can talk about being sterilised but her DH can't. Surely it's obvious. The OP is talking to someone about a very personal procedure she is having. Her DH isn't. He's telling someone else about his wife's intimate stuff. Not on at all.

[Spartans]

From my point of view, me and dh both agree we don't want anymore. He wanted to have the snip. I asked him not to, I was certain I didn't want anymore but also not ready to close that door. I kept panicking that I would change my mind and its too late.

if not having the snip would cause him further distress, I would not have voiced that and just let him go ahead. I wouldnt have been happy, but I would kept it too myself. I would have probably have also confided this to a friend.

In this case he would really like another, so must be more upset. But he is also accepting it's your body and emotional health and supporting you.

[Spartans]

hedge it's also a procedure that effects him. Why is a man not allowed o confide his feelings to a friend.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

NoNameDame

"Saying 'we're happy with ....' Is very different to saying 'I'm devastated with something my wife is doing.....'"

Has he actually said/written this? Is it the OP's terminology? Sally's?
What was written in the texts.

Him "I am devastated that we will not have the chance to have another DD"

would be different to

Sally "You must be devastated that you will never have a bio DD"
Him "yes, I am upset about it"

But IMO it is also possible to feel both "happy with" a decision and "devastated by" it. (again I would like to know where "devastated" came from.)

I agree with lazylohan that he has these feelings (which I would hope that he is allowed too) and doesn't want the OP to feel pressured by them/him.

[hedgehogsdontbite]

hedge it's also a procedure that effects him. Why is a man not allowed o confide his feelings to a friend.

Because in doing so he's sharing someone else's private medical information.