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AIBU?

Dh discussing our/my decision with mutual friend

109 replies

MustBeLoopy390 · 01/08/2015 11:43

Cutting a long story as short as possible, after 4 mentally hard pregnancies, 1 loss and 3 distressing births I discussed sterilisation with my dh, I want to have my tubes tied as its my choice I didn't push for him to have a vasectomy as I know he does not want one at all. A mutual friend (we'll call her Sally) called round this morning for a cuppa and to chat, the topic of my sterilisation came up and I told her that dh and I were happy that my referral had gone through yesterday and I'd be seen within a few months to set the ball rolling. Sally then informed me (and showed me the messages) that dh is absolutely devastated and wants his own bio dd ('our' dd is from a previous relationship and dh brought her up as his own) aibu to flip at him when he gets home from work?! I'm absolutely shocked at him and it makes me wonder what else he has said to Sally over the years we have been together! What in people's opinions would be the best way to raise this and deal with it? It's such a shock as he's never done anything like this (to my knowledge) before and we've always been honest and open with each other.

OP posts:

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wafflyversatile · 01/08/2015 16:33

He's telling someone about his life and his feelings.

Men are allowed feelings too.

firesidechat · 01/08/2015 17:25

I'm not sure what the op shared and what her dh shared with the friend are the same thing at all.

The op shared what she thought was a mutually agreed upon decision that she and her husband had made. It didn't require advice or sympathy or indeed any kind of discussion.

The husband said something to a friend that he hadn't already said to his wife - that he was devastated about not having a biological daughter.

It's not the same, leaves the op in a very awkward situation and is very unfair on her.

One thing that we can all agree on as parents, is that you get what you're given. I assume the dh has biological children, just not a girl and he has a daughter to love in any case. I have very limited sympathy for his devastation.

firesidechat · 01/08/2015 17:43

Can I also add, that the friend was very unfair to share this with you op.

To give him the benefit of the doubt maybe the dh is devastated, but wanted to hide it from his wife because there was no other choice. What is the op supposed to do with that info now it's been shared? She can't risk her mental health to grant his wish and particularly as there is only a 50/50 chance of it being the gender he wants.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/08/2015 18:03

fireside

The DH isn't asking her to put her health at risk. He appears to be supporting her in the decision. The one that has caused all/any of the problems is the friend.

firesidechat · 01/08/2015 18:13

You mean like I said in the post above yours. I already acknowledged that.

mynewpassion · 01/08/2015 18:15

There is no need to flip out at anyone. He's mourning the loss of having a biological daughter so he's devastated. A valid feeling that he wants to hide from the OP. She knows that he's always wanted a biological daughter just not how much loss he's privately feeling. He's still supportive of the sterlisation and know its the right decision for OP and for their family.

UnbelievableBollocks · 01/08/2015 18:17

I don't see the problem here. He confided in a friend in order to save your feelings. What on earth is wrong with that?

People talk stuff over with friends. It's what they do. It's what you do.

firesidechat · 01/08/2015 18:23

The real problem is that the friend shared it with the op when that wasn't going to help or achieve anything positive. It has made the op feel worse about a decision she can do nothing about and possibly upset her husband even more too.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/08/2015 18:38

fireside

I was responding to the final piece of your post
"She can't risk her mental health to grant his wish and particularly as there is only a 50/50 chance of it being the gender he wants."

But I am happy that we agree.

BathtimeFunkster · 01/08/2015 18:56

HIBU - he should not have talked to Sally, there's a big difference in what you said to her and what he did. You just casually said something of little significance(you have a joint opinion as you though you were both on the same page) whereas he betrayed your trust completely by disclosing details that's made you as a couple seem at odds with each other, if there is a problem in a relationship he's got an obligation to tell you about it before discussing it with other people.

This.

Absolutely this.

I think telling a mutual friend you are "devastated" about something you and your spouse have agreed, while your spouse knows nothing of your true feelings, is a terrible betrayal.

It makes the OP look like a right dick when she doesn't know the first thing about her own husband's feelings about their family.

Thankfully Sally had enough loyalty to you not to allow that to continue.

Spartans · 01/08/2015 19:26

Because in doing so he's sharing someone else's private medical information.

The op says 'the topic of my sterilisation came up' so the OP knew Sally knew, this didn't surprise the OP. So it's not private medical information Sally already knew about the operation

Spartans · 01/08/2015 19:27

Thankfully Sally had enough loyalty to you not to allow that to continue.

Or maybe dally is a shit friend and likes causing trouble.

Spartans · 01/08/2015 19:30

In all likelihood the dh went to this friend as he knew she was already aware of the problem.

Also did he go to her, or did she approach him?

That will also put a different slant on it

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/08/2015 19:31

"maybe sally is a shit friend and likes causing trouble."

I'm going to agree with this from Spartans.

"It makes the OP look like a right dick when she doesn't know the first thing about her own husband's feelings about their family."

The OP already knew that her DH would have liked a bio DD, she knew that he was happy with their decision to go ahead with the sterilisation and would support her.

The only thing that Sally has done out of "loyalty" is muddy the waters.

BathtimeFunkster · 01/08/2015 19:42

She hasn't muddied the waters.

She has let her friend know that her DH is bitching about joint decisions behind her back.

He has been completely disloyal and unfair to raise this with a mutual friend.

If you need to confide in someone about something like this, you choose one of your own friends who won't be out in an embarrassing situation like Sally was.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/08/2015 20:29

The DH wasn't bitching as far as we know, he went to someone that he thought he could trust with his thoughts and feelings, or is that not allowed?

If we flip this shouldn't the OP have chosen to discuss this with someone who wasn't a mutual friend?

wafflyversatile · 01/08/2015 20:47

He's not bitching, FFS.

If this was reversed and he was getting a sterilisation for sensible reasons that his DW agreed were sensible and supported him in but confided in a friend, even a mutual one, that she was feeling a bit devastated then I doubt anyone would be criticising her. They would probably be telling the DH not to flip out at her for talking to a friend about her feelings. Which tbf is what most people here are saying.

If he'd talked to a non mutual friend who didn't know she was getting sterilised then no doubt posters on here would be up in arms about that too.

My friend tried to suggest having more kids to her DH, knowing he probably wouldn't go for it. She accepted his refusal and reasons for refusal but it didn't stop her feeling broody or being upset that there wouldn't be any more kids. She confided this to me. If I started a thread saying he got angry with her for talking to me about it then some posters would be accusing him of being controlling. (not that I am accusing the OP here of that)

florentina1 · 01/08/2015 21:08

It seems that your DH head tells him that your sterilisation is the right thing. It is also clearly what you want. As a decent man he is is supporting the decision.

His heart however feels differently. I think the reason he has not disclosed to you what is in his heart is because he feels he needs to protect you and support you in the decision.

Sally, on the other hand lent him a shoulder to cry on, and then massively betrayed him. I have no idea why she would do such a thing, but I think I would consider very carefully, before you speak to you husband. I would never confide in Sally again.

Jengnr · 01/08/2015 22:16

I'd be humiliated if my husband did that to me. It's one thing confiding in a friend, it's quite another telling that friend a totally different story to the one he's telling me and making me look a fool.

I'd be furious.

BathtimeFunkster · 01/08/2015 22:54

If this was reversed and he was getting a sterilisation for sensible reasons that his DW agreed were sensible and supported him in but confided in a friend, even a mutual one, that she was feeling a bit devastated then I doubt anyone would be criticising her.

I would be.

If some bloke was telling his good mate Jack that the date was all booked for his vasectomy and the response was

"Oh yes, I know all about that, your missus is devastated that she'll never have a son of her own. No, your son that she's raising and pretends to love as her own doesn't count.

Oh, you thought she was fine with it? No, mate. She's been crying on my shoulder. Devastated, she is."

I would think his wife was disloyal and a liar.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/08/2015 23:06

BathtimeFunkster

"No, your son that she's raising and pretends to love as her own doesn't count."

Not sure where you have got that from.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/08/2015 23:08

I should explain incase that post gets taken the wrong way.

At no point has the OP said that her DH doesn't love and care for their DD, and no where does it say that their DD doesn't count.

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NothingUpMySleeve · 01/08/2015 23:14

It's a crazy way for your DH to feel. what if DC4 was another DS, would he want you to have another and another, until he had a DD of his own? Lots of people don't get exactly the family they might have envisioned in advance and have to learn to live with it.

He should have been talking to you, about how you'd manage a DC4 (5,6,7???) if he wanted to keep trying until he had a DD.

wafflyversatile · 01/08/2015 23:17

If some bloke was telling his good mate Jack that the date was all booked for his vasectomy and the response was

"Oh yes, I know all about that, your missus is devastated that she'll never have a son of her own. No, your son that she's raising and pretends to love as her own doesn't count.

Their mutual good mate. 2. the last sentence is bullshit you just made up.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/08/2015 23:23

NothingUpMySleeve

The OP's DH agrees that the sterilization is a good idea and is supporting her, so there is no need for any what ifs about DC4, 5 or 6.

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