Dh discussing our/my decision with mutual friend

[MustBeLoopy390]

Cutting a long story as short as possible, after 4 mentally hard pregnancies, 1 loss and 3 distressing births I discussed sterilisation with my dh, I want to have my tubes tied as its my choice I didn't push for him to have a vasectomy as I know he does not want one at all. A mutual friend (we'll call her Sally) called round this morning for a cuppa and to chat, the topic of my sterilisation came up and I told her that dh and I were happy that my referral had gone through yesterday and I'd be seen within a few months to set the ball rolling. Sally then informed me (and showed me the messages) that dh is absolutely devastated and wants his own bio dd ('our' dd is from a previous relationship and dh brought her up as his own) aibu to flip at him when he gets home from work?! I'm absolutely shocked at him and it makes me wonder what else he has said to Sally over the years we have been together! What in people's opinions would be the best way to raise this and deal with it? It's such a shock as he's never done anything like this (to my knowledge) before and we've always been honest and open with each other.

[MustBeLoopy390]

Discussing all pros and cons is mainly so we can see each other's side of the decision, I am still very much against putting myself and (in a round about way) my family through another pregnancy and birth. I just want to see from my dh's point of view and he agrees he needs to see mine. The issue with Sally is that she took great pride in disclosing what dh had said, it's the attitude behind it I have a huge problem with.

[reni1]

But had it not been for Sally you wouldn't have this conversation so she really did do a good thing there. Maybe all she wanted was for you two to sit down and do what you are now doing.

[reni1]

I think many relationships would benefit from a Sally.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

If Sally had said to the OP's DH that he should go to her and tell her what he was feeling I would agree but as there is no mention of that anywhere, I think that her intentions where less than altruistic.

[reni1]

I think it is easier to talk if you have a scapegoat. Had he come out to say "I don't feel great about this" it might have gone down differently. This way, the non-communication anger can land on Sally, who is not there.

[CassieBearRawr]

Does he know this is just a 'clear the air' discussion and not actually going to lead to anything else? I don't really see what else there is to see about your side tbh, if after some terrible pregnancies which seem to have left a deep scar on you and your family he still wants you to do it all again what can you really say that will change his mind?

[wafflyversatile]

Well I'm glad you've spoken and not flipped.

If you say that Sally seemed a bit too happy to be breaking the news to you then that's good enough for me. You were there and we weren't.

Good luck. Thank you for updating us.

[Spartans]

think she made the best, kindest, and most moral choice available to her.

Yes is some cases a friend doing this is acting in what they feel is in the couples best interests.

In some cases people do it because they like to cause a bit of bother. The OPs opinion is that Sally is the latter. Since she knows her and we don't its, I am willing to go with the OPs point of view.

[Sapat]

You both agree that you can't have more children for a number of perfectly logical and pragmatic reasons. That doesn't mean that in your heart, you might still want another child.

However, by getting sterilised, you are forever closing the door on the possibility of changing your mind. If is a big decision to make. I understand his ambivalence.

We have 3 DCs. We can't afford or cope with more (well, we could, but it would seriously compromise our lifestyle). I would refuse to get sterilised, but if DH was adamant on a vasectomy I would feel awkward. His body, his choice, but it affects both of us.it is all so final.tbh, as I am at the end of my 30s I am probably nearing the end of m reproductive life anyway so feel something so drastic is not necessary as you can prevent pregnancy in many other ways.

I think you need to talk more, although if you are both sticking to your guns you might need to defer your decision by a few months. He will need to grieve for the children he will never have.

I think Sally was just trying to help. And she has by forcing you both to start talking again.