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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum left my kids home alone!!!!

148 replies

baldbyfifty · 31/07/2015 14:42

Just typing this is bringing on the mother of all headaches.
I am going to keep this brief as poss.
My mum had our youngest two 5 & 11 last night and this morning as I had a very early morning job interview, she had a funeral at 11 so the agreement was I would be straight over there ASAP as I could to free up my step father (Grandad) who would wait with them before he toddles off to bowls! (He's in his 70's and a sweetheart)
I was there by 11.20am to find an empty house and my girls 5 & 11 on the sofa the youngest covered in chocolate but perfectly happy the eldest looking upset and worried.
It didn't take long to find out that my mum had sent their Grandad off to bowls at around 9.00am with no mention of him looking after the girls, my mums friend who she was going to the funeral with arrived at 9.45 as they were apparently picking up some people on the way. My mothers parting words to my girls were "When your mum gets here tell her she's just missed your Grandad or she'll be really angry"
Fanfuckingtastic.
The whole house was left unlocked with my kids inside for as long as two hours before I got there and to top it off she's asking them to lie to me. She is supposed to be looking after the girls as I desperately need to return to work (we are skint) but I am now completely doubting myself after this, as a child she left me at home alone a lot and I didn't have the greatest childhood but I stupidly thought even this was beyond her in fairness to date she has been a better Nanny than she was mother.
She is very stubborn and always pretty much does whatever she wants and we have come to blows in the past with the way she is with the kids. The silly thing is now its happened i'm not even that surprised.
I brought my girls straight home and haven't heard a thing from her yet!! Exactly where she thinks the girls are right now I don't know!!
I will admit that I am a worrier especially about my girls but this is unbelievable. I don't even know how to confront her about this.

OP posts:
Sagethyme · 31/07/2015 18:27

Children obs!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/07/2015 18:31

sage

when was it made a law? I inquired 2 years ago, it wasn't unlawful then

123Jump · 31/07/2015 18:34

Not according to this website,it isn't Sagethyme.
It seems to be a n extremely grey area that is taken on a case by case situation.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/07/2015 18:38

People always come on threads like this and point out that there is no actual legal age for leaving a child unattended or no legal age at which they can baby sit.

Then stuff like there is no law stopping you leaving a toddler home whilst you go to the shops or a 9yo baby sitting a 5yo always comes up.

They appear to forget we have other laws and processes that act to prevent it. Laws and rules about neglect and child cruelty.

If your child is under 16 years of age they cannot be liable for neglect the parents can be.

It would be highly unusual for a under 10 who was left alone or with inappropriate supervision and came to the attention of the authorities for what ever reason to not be considered to be being neglected.

It would also be highly unusual for a under 8 left alone or in the care of a under 12 to not be considered as being in immediate danger.

Both criminal and civil action can be brought against the parents and it happens quite a bit

Sagethyme · 31/07/2015 18:46

123jump it really is classed as abandonment and that is viewed as neglect and you can get prosecuted, i am no lawyer, but i assume if you can get prosecuted then its against the law.

scarlets · 31/07/2015 18:49

It's unfair and irresponsible to leave an 11yo in charge of a little child for more than ten minutes or so. If there hadn't been a younger sibling present, and the grandmother hasn't asked your DD to lie, it would have been ok. But there was, and she did, so it's not ok at all.

I hope you enjoy working, and childcare gets sorted.

Sagethyme · 31/07/2015 18:52

123jump thanks for link, that is Queensland law, so not sure how applicable it is to UK law, also its different filling up with petrol, to bringing shopping in whilst leaving dc in car, or any other situation. If you are filling car up with fuel DC are still within sight and therefore its not classed as abandonment, but in any other case its seen as neglect

Sazzle41 · 31/07/2015 18:53

People have patterns of behaviour, they repeat them over and over. She left you alone as a child - she has done same again with your children. Dont let her look after them again. People dont normally change, unless something terrible/monumental happens to make them re-evaluate their whole MO/life style.

fanciesdefrancais · 31/07/2015 18:54

Outfuckingrageous.

Also, if OP had been comfortable with the idea of her11 year old looking after her 5 year old, it's probably safe to assume she wouldn't have bothered arranging childcare.

Many sympathies OP - I'd be apoplectic with rage! YANBU

Sagethyme · 31/07/2015 18:58

zing not sure when it became classed as an offence, but it is classed as neglect ...its all gone blooming mad i tell ya!

BitOutOfPractice · 31/07/2015 18:59

I agree this is a totally unacceptable thing for your mom to have done.

But can I also raise a note of caution about locking kids inside houses. Without sounding too scaremongering, the risk of fire is far far greater than that of St rangers coming and taking them and there should always be a means of escape that is easy to operate available.

DartmoorDoughnut · 31/07/2015 19:01

Absolutely unbelievable! You have a gem of a DM baldby hope all gets sorted and the interview went ok

Oh and I'm assuming sadwidow is a troll?!

Dukketeater · 31/07/2015 19:11

I can see that you'd be annoyed, especially that she asked her to lie to you BUT when I was 11 (year 7 of secondary school) my 6 year old cousin was dropped at my house at 7.30am and we would get ready for school and walk to school together as he went to the primary school next to my school. This was on a busy B road that we had to cross as well. Then he'd finish school at 3.15, I finished at 3.30 and he'd wait for me in reception and we'd walk back to my house again until about 5.30pm when his Mum picked him up. We were fine so I think that it would be ok just indoors?

I'm not that old before anybody says times have changed, as in, I am not even 30 yet...

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/07/2015 19:16

123

I agree it's a grey area.
my understanding is that if you leave a child alone in a car and someone reports you to the police it will be handled as neglect, but each case is looked at individually, based on the circumstances, whether the child was in danger, or hurt etc.

I think there are many incidents when leaving a child alone in a car or in the house would be a near zero-risk event, but still it is probably best avoided, especially with younger children.

Totality22 · 31/07/2015 19:16

What stands out to me is that the OP is reliant on her mother for childcare - I see the youngest are school age so what will you be relying on your mother for? and is there any other alternative at all?

Am confused about granddad's role in all this though? Initially I thought that he would assume granny would be staying with the kids but then surely he'd know that the funeral was at 11am (or granny needed to leave at 11am to get to a funeral / or granny needed to leave early to pick people up to get to a funeral for 11am / or whatever the exact situation was?), so why didn't he question who was looking after the kids when granny sent him off to bowls at 9am?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/07/2015 19:19

sage

I'm going to look it up again. I think what you are saying is probably the same thing I was told 2 y ago. I don't always listen carefully!Wink

drudgetrudy · 31/07/2015 19:22

Having tried to clarify the legal situation I obviously think that the grandmother was way out of order. If anything had gone wrong and the circumstances had come to light she could have been prosecuted for neglect-its at the discretion of the local police. It definitely is a grey area.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/07/2015 19:30

I think the worst bit is that the children were alone without OP's knowledge and permission, her trust betrayed.

it's unforgivable. I would never ever leave them alone with that person again.
(In fact I would probably overreact and would refuse to let her see my kids for a very long time)

CheeseandPickledOnion · 31/07/2015 19:33

In which world would it ever have been ok to do this? None.

I'm so sorry your own mother let you down like that. Disgusting.

maddening · 31/07/2015 19:36

Would she be happy if you had left with your dc leaving her front door wide open?

londonrach · 31/07/2015 19:40

Not good. Strangely its your 11 year i mostly feel for. Please hug your children today op. As for your mother...never again. Sorry if that makes life hard for you but today has shown you she cant be trusted.

annatha · 31/07/2015 19:52

AIBU always brings out the idiots who are determined to prove the OP wrong, ignoring most of the posts Biscuit

The grandma AGREED to look after the girls. OP explained it was arranged a while ago and I'm sure that if it would've been a problem, OP's mum wouldn't have agreed to watch them. The fact that it was confirmed the night before with no mention of it being a problem proves this.

As for people saying that the 11yr old is fine, do you actually know the OP's daughter? Putting aside the debate over whether it is illegal or not, the only person who can judge whether the girl is capable of looking after her sister alone is the OP. Granny has no right to make that decision.

I'm sure plenty of us have stories about being home alone at a young age, babysitting siblings, going to the shops alone etc but that isn't the point. Your parents obviously made that decision, the OP has made hers.

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP! Give her hell. It sounds like she's got her own ideas of how to raise children and is doing so regardless of what you think of it.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 31/07/2015 19:56

You're so much calmer than I would have been in your shoes. I hope you and your husband manage to remain calm and get your point across. I also hope your mum has the decency not to attempt to deflect the blame onto you. Good luck.

StealthPolarBear · 31/07/2015 21:51

Good luck with the conversation op. I agree with the majority that yanbu at all.
I have to say I'd have been very tempted to send 5daychicken's text if I'd thought of it in time.

tiggytape · 31/07/2015 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.