Mum left my kids home alone!!!!

[baldbyfifty]

Just typing this is bringing on the mother of all headaches.
I am going to keep this brief as poss.
My mum had our youngest two 5 & 11 last night and this morning as I had a very early morning job interview, she had a funeral at 11 so the agreement was I would be straight over there ASAP as I could to free up my step father (Grandad) who would wait with them before he toddles off to bowls! (He's in his 70's and a sweetheart)
I was there by 11.20am to find an empty house and my girls 5 & 11 on the sofa the youngest covered in chocolate but perfectly happy the eldest looking upset and worried.
It didn't take long to find out that my mum had sent their Grandad off to bowls at around 9.00am with no mention of him looking after the girls, my mums friend who she was going to the funeral with arrived at 9.45 as they were apparently picking up some people on the way. My mothers parting words to my girls were "When your mum gets here tell her she's just missed your Grandad or she'll be really angry"
Fanfuckingtastic.
The whole house was left unlocked with my kids inside for as long as two hours before I got there and to top it off she's asking them to lie to me. She is supposed to be looking after the girls as I desperately need to return to work (we are skint) but I am now completely doubting myself after this, as a child she left me at home alone a lot and I didn't have the greatest childhood but I stupidly thought even this was beyond her in fairness to date she has been a better Nanny than she was mother.
She is very stubborn and always pretty much does whatever she wants and we have come to blows in the past with the way she is with the kids. The silly thing is now its happened i'm not even that surprised.
I brought my girls straight home and haven't heard a thing from her yet!! Exactly where she thinks the girls are right now I don't know!!
I will admit that I am a worrier especially about my girls but this is unbelievable. I don't even know how to confront her about this.

[Toffeewhirl]

Good luck with that conversation, baldby.

[baldbyfifty]

chocolatewombat She knew very clearly as did I and the children also what the arrangements were she just didn't stick to them sadly! x

[Littleorangecat]

You can't ever leave them with her again. You must get paid for childcare if you do work, she is completely untrustworthy.
What IF there had been a fire?? It's just unthinkable

[ChocolateWombat]

I find the situation described by the OP as bizarre. I cannot think of a single adult who would say they would look after children or look after them and then hand them over to another responsible adult, who would then go out and leave them alone without another adult present.
It strikes me as incredibly shocking and something only an adult who is severely lacking in any sense of responsibility would do. The asking the children to lie shows an awareness of the wrongness of it, but still a willingness to do it and to put herself first above the welfare of the children. I realise this is the OPs mother, but she sounds morally totally irresponsible - no excuses could really justify what she did, and I think the OP would be irresponsible too, to allow her to be responsible for the children again. As I said, it's not worth getting into a discussion about it - there is no discussion to be had, because what the Granny did cannot be justified.

[baldbyfifty]

Toffeewhirl.....it actually gets better what I didn't mention was that until about 20 minutes ago I hadn't heard a thing from her so she assumed that I had picked the children up with no problems, that they had lied as instructed and that I was cool with it?! Mental!! I was very tempted to pretend I hadn't picked them up but I thought better against it.
Overly-confident doesn't really cover it!

[ChocolateWombat]

OP, when your mother tries to justify what she did, just say to her, that you cannot think of another single adult who would do what she did, having agreed to be responsible for the children - not a single other adult. Tell her that the fact she considers what she did acceptable shows you further how far off her judgement is and that for those reasons you cannot leave the children with her again.
If she argues, I would simply say, that the fact she thinks she can justify it is a real concern to you, but you won't discuss it anymore and your decision is made. No doubt she will try to blame you. Simply reiterate that SHE was responsible and accepted that responsibility.

[Toffeewhirl]

That's so worrying, baldby. Doesn't she have any imagination?

The other issue for you is that this must bring back uncomfortable feelings about your own childhood. She can't have been a very responsible mum. At least you can do things differently for your DC.

[ChocolateWombat]

It's an unfortunate fact that there are very irresponsible, untrustworthy adults out there - we have to avoid them taking responsibility for our children. It is just very sad if our own parents fall into that category, but it sounds as if yours do OP. If she was irresponsible when you were a child too, sadly you probably aren't surprised.
Nothing awful happened thankfully this time. Live and learn and don't allow a chance for a repeat performance where something could go really wrong.

[redshoeblueshoe]

AIBU ?
You knew she had form for this type of behaviour, you knew she was going to a funeral, so yes YABU to have asked her in the first place.

NSPCC guidelines are not law despite what MN's think

[ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]

I'd be livid.

unbelievable

YANBU at all. she wouldn't be looking after them again.

[ChocolateWombat]

Red shoes....unfortunately I think I agree with you. The OP doesn't sound totally surprised at what happened and does seem to suggest the Granny has a past history of this kind of thing - does make me wonder why the OP trusted her in the first place. I guess, perhaps her unreliability was far in the past (or perhaps not) and we hope people change for the better, but with children we shouldn't take chances, so I suspect that actually the OP was unreasonable (or worse??) to leave her children with someone who she herself didn't entirely trust.
If this was the first time that the Granny had shown herself to be unreliable, it would have been upsetting for the OP and made her think carefully about the future, but it doesn't sound like this was the first incident on her being unreliable - and it is the responsibility of the OP to leave the children with someone who can be trusted. So ultimately I think the Granny was wrong, but the OP was probably wrong too.

[morethanpotatoprints]

I wouldn't leave them with them anymore OP.
Time to book some childcare as even if you ask grandad your mum would likely pull similar stunts.
Did she leave you a lot when you were little? This might explain her attitude.

[moogalicious]

yes it is i just checked the nspcc website you can't babysit a sibling if you're under 16

Is that law or nspcc guidance?

It's not law as pp have said. link

[Toffeewhirl]

I don't think it's fair to blame the op. She says of her mum: 'in fairness to date she has been a better Nanny than she was mother.' So she thought her mum was being more responsible as a grandmother than she had been as a mum. It sounds as if this is the first time her mum has let her down like this with the GC. Lesson learnt.

[MrsLeighHalfpenny]

I'd prefer my kids to be left in an unlocked house than to have them locked in. It's pretty unlikely that anyone would walk in, and as long as they were under instructions to not answer the door, I don't see the problem with that. I'd hate for them to be locked in and for there to be a fire and they couldn't get out/emergency services couldn't get in.

As for leaving them alone - most 11 year olds that I know are perfectly capable of looking after a 5 year old in their own home for a few hours. It does depend on the individual kids, but most would be fine in front of a DVD with some chocolate.

It sounds as if they were fine - you haven't reported any ill effects.

I do, however think your DM was wrong to lead you to believe they would be supervised, when she knew they wouldn't be, unless this was a last minute unavoidable change of plan.

I wouldn't either want my kids to be left at home alone on a regular basis - just as the odd one off.

[MrsLeighHalfpenny]

moogalicious there is no law about what age it's OK to leave kids at home.

[PeterParkerSays]

OP, have you heard anything about the job?

Despite your mother's best efforts to sabotage your piece of mind, I hope you get it, and you're able to arrange some more reliable childcare. As others have said, she really can form no part of that care.

I'm baffled why her husband didn't even know he was being named as carer for the children.

[diddl]

So there was never an intention of your Stepfather looking after them?

And even if the lift was early, your mum knew that there was a chance of the kids having to be left alon?

But agreed to it anyway?

Why didn't she just say no?

[sadwidow28]

My mum had our youngest two 5 & 11 last night and this morning as I had a very early morning job interview, she had a funeral at 11

Well stop right there!

You should have allowed your DM to think and compose herself before a funeral. You didn't get there until 11.20am (but expected your DSF to stand in the breach)

Your interview was NOT more important than your DM attending a funeral.

As for lying - it is not acceptable .... but I guess your DM is frightened of your wrath. She needs to stand up to you.

[rollonthesummer]

You can have a big go at her but essentially, if you need her for unpaid childcare then you are totally at her mercy.

Personally, I wouldn't leave my children with anyone who might do this (and your posts suggest you're not that surprised) so would arrange something else. Really-leaving your children with someone you know is unreliable and then moaning afterwards that they were unreliable, is rather shortsighted!

[Yarp]

Lordy that's bad, and she knows it because she told them to lie.

Why did Grandad go along with it too? He's 70, not an idiot (my parents are in their 70s)

[Yarp]

roll

I don't get that viewpoint. It's much-spouted on MN but looking after your grandchildren while your DD attends a job interview is much more than childcare. You should not have to pay someone for them to show a bit of consideration towards their flesh and blood

[Nolim]

Your interview was NOT more important than your DM attending a funeral.

As for lying - it is not acceptable .... but I guess your DM is frightened of your wrath. She needs to stand up to you.

Erm… what?

[diddl]

"if you need her for unpaid childcare then you are totally at her mercy."

But OP didn't get childcare!

She might as well have left them at home!