Mum left my kids home alone!!!!

[baldbyfifty]

Just typing this is bringing on the mother of all headaches.
I am going to keep this brief as poss.
My mum had our youngest two 5 & 11 last night and this morning as I had a very early morning job interview, she had a funeral at 11 so the agreement was I would be straight over there ASAP as I could to free up my step father (Grandad) who would wait with them before he toddles off to bowls! (He's in his 70's and a sweetheart)
I was there by 11.20am to find an empty house and my girls 5 & 11 on the sofa the youngest covered in chocolate but perfectly happy the eldest looking upset and worried.
It didn't take long to find out that my mum had sent their Grandad off to bowls at around 9.00am with no mention of him looking after the girls, my mums friend who she was going to the funeral with arrived at 9.45 as they were apparently picking up some people on the way. My mothers parting words to my girls were "When your mum gets here tell her she's just missed your Grandad or she'll be really angry"
Fanfuckingtastic.
The whole house was left unlocked with my kids inside for as long as two hours before I got there and to top it off she's asking them to lie to me. She is supposed to be looking after the girls as I desperately need to return to work (we are skint) but I am now completely doubting myself after this, as a child she left me at home alone a lot and I didn't have the greatest childhood but I stupidly thought even this was beyond her in fairness to date she has been a better Nanny than she was mother.
She is very stubborn and always pretty much does whatever she wants and we have come to blows in the past with the way she is with the kids. The silly thing is now its happened i'm not even that surprised.
I brought my girls straight home and haven't heard a thing from her yet!! Exactly where she thinks the girls are right now I don't know!!
I will admit that I am a worrier especially about my girls but this is unbelievable. I don't even know how to confront her about this.

[achieve6]

Art " the agreement was I would be straight over there ASAP as I could to free up my step father (Grandad) who would wait with them before he toddles off to bowls!"

This means - very clearly - that the OP was asked to get along quickly so that when she arrived, Grandad could go to bowls. not that Grandad would go before she arrived!

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

It's illegal to leave a child under the age of 14 in charge of a younger child, iirc.

Leaving the 11 year old alone would have been fine, but leaving them both, without talks about safety/contingency plans/emergency numbers, not fine at all. Also very much not ok to leave the doors unlocked and tell them to lie to you.

Do not use your mum for childcare. Ever. Don't leave them alone with her again for quite a while. If she asks why, tell her!

[oneowlgirl]

Goodness chicken, I was babysitting other peoples children when i was 14/15!

[NerrSnerr]

It's really not important whether the 11 year old could look after the 5 year old. The OP and her mum arranged for the children to be looked after and the mum completely disregarded the situation. If it was the case that the step dad couldn't look after them then they should have told the OP this.

It's for the OP to decide when and in what circumstances the children should be left on their own or not.

[baldbyfifty]

This morning had been arranged for a good few weeks, I don't have a problem with her needing to go to a funeral at all but the agreement was that my step father would have the girls until I arrived I even telephoned her last night to check everything was ok for today, my daughter has since told me that my mum told her yesterday afternoon as soon as we dropped her off that she would be home alone and that when I rang last night she tried to speak to me to tell me but Nanny wouldn't let her have the phone, pretty shitty and heartbreaking to be honest. I don't think my step dad knew a thing about it.
I'm sure some 11yr olds are perfectly capable of being left alone but my daughter is a very young 11 and our 5 year old is a right little monkey at times, they've got a massive pond in the garden which has given me heart attacks since day one the list of horrendous ways this could have gone is endless.
The biggest rule in our house is we don't have these kind of "don't tell your mum" secrets.
I have rung DH at work and we are going to be having a very long chat about this tonight and its implications but no she definitely will not be looking after our girls again, he's going to ring her as she seems to take on board what he says a lot better than I do and he doesn't take any shit.
Too early for a stiff drink?

[BertrandRussell]

"It's illegal to leave a child under the age of 14 in charge of a younger child, iirc"
No it isn't.

[sleeponeday]

NerrSnerr has it in one.

Not only did her mother do this, she wanted and expected the kids to lie to cover it. That's all kinds of broken trust... and harm to the kids' emotional wellbeing, too.

I think you already know she can't be trusted to care for them while you work. She has absolutely no understanding that she can't overrule and ignore you, and she doesn't even know you can't ask kids to lie to their parents.

I'm sorry about your childhood, OP. Sounds rather like my own tbh.

[sleeponeday]

Crosspost, OP.

Your mother has very poor boundaries.

[Toffeewhirl]

Absolutely not ok to leave your children alone for that long, especially knowing it was not what you had agreed. Personally, I would never leave an 11-year-old in charge of a much younger child (I was left to babysit my baby cousin when I was nine and, looking back, I was far too young to be given that responsibility).

You can't trust your mum with them now, I'm afraid, and will need alternative childcare arrangements in future.

[baldbyfifty]

Art he just goes up for a practice some mornings a week, no set time you just turn up and do your thing. He's a lot older than my mum and I wouldn't expect him to look after the girls on a regular basis, the older one would be ok with him but the 5yr old needs a bit more watching and he likes a granddad sleep in the afternoons! Which is a shame because he is fabulous with them.

[SillyStuffBiting]

I don't see the huge issue for 90 minutes but the lying isn't on.

[Nolim]

Op i would be fumming.

She left your kids alone, asked them to lie about it, and didnt let your older one tell you over the phone the previous evening.

I hope the interview went well, please dont rely on your dm for childcare.

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

I stand corrected Bertrand. I thought I'd read that somewhere, but obviously not.

[chickenfuckingpox]

It's illegal to leave a child under the age of 14 in charge of a younger child, iirc"
No it isn't.

yes it is i just checked the nspcc website you can't babysit a sibling if you're under 16 and that surprised me because i left my 15 year old in charge of her sleeping brothers while i went to the neighbor's house to drop off medicine i thought that was ok but apparently not so im glad i didnt get caught!

weirdly you can employ someone under 16 to babysit your children i will never understand this country

[peggyundercrackers]

they were OK, no harm done... I think your over reacting.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

yes it is i just checked the nspcc website you can't babysit a sibling if you're under 16

Is that law or nspcc guidance?

[babyboomersrock]

My 6 year old knows how to dial 999 in an emergency & also knows not to open doors etc to strangers

First, I see you don't leave your child alone and that you're just making a point.

However, this is worryingly naïve. Yes, there are children who've been able to call the emergency services - usually when their mother has become ill - but you're putting a lot of trust in a small child's understanding and ability to cope with the unexpected.

Think of all the children who've died in road accidents or gone off with strangers. You think it's because their parents didn't warn them about crossing the road or speaking to adults they don't know?

OP, your mother doesn't sound as though she's changed much - she'll always put herself first. I'm a grandmother and nothing would make me leave my grandchildren in that scenario. You trusted her. Not only did she betray that trust by going out and leaving them, but she asked them to lie to you. Hard though it is, you need to tell her that she will not be left alone with them again.

[Toffeewhirl]

How on earth can you think she's overreacting, peggy? Her DM did something she knew her DD wouldn't want her to do and she asked her granddaughter to lie for her. I wouldn't trust her again after that, especially as she already has 'form'.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

There’s no legal age to babysit but you should really think carefully about using anyone under 16. Any younger and they might not be mature enough – or have the authority – to be in charge

Quote from nspcc website. Why do people say things as if they are true when they have seemingly just made it up?

[sanfairyanne]

nspcc stuff is not law. luckily as it is ridiculous imo

but that aside, the lies and deceit shows she knew you wouldnt have allowed it. very poor on her part.

[LilyMayViolet]

I don't think op is over reacting. Her mum's deception and her attempt to collude with the children in addition to leaving the children on their own is incredibly wreckless and irresponsible. It's the lying part that would destroy my faith more than the poor judgement of leaving the girls alone.

[Niloufes]

Not good for your mum to do this at all but leaving the house unlocked is more good than bad in my opinion. At least in an emergency they could get out.

[ChocolateWombat]

Regardless of the people giving your mum a lift turning up early, if she was responsible for childcare, she should stay and look after the children and make that her priority - you don't go off and leave the children alone.
The deal was that there would be an adult present - the Granny and then the Grandad - the Granny went off,leaving g the children without an adult present and that is where she went wrong. It doesn't matter that she had a funeral to go to or anything else she wanted to do - if she had said she would look after the childrn or ensure the Grandad did, that should have been her priority.
The age if the children is irrelevant too - because she told her daughter that the children would be looked after, but then reneged on the agreement.

I would say that you cannot rely on this person to carry out childcare. It is a real shame as having family do it is often great and of course saves money. OPS, I'm afraid that however convenient and tempting it might be to give your Mum another chance, because it will save you money and be convenient, you really shouldn't, because she has shown herself to be unreliable.....and sadly you are not entirely surprised.

Disappointing...but better to know now and to be able to sort out alternative arrangements.

I wouldn't go into a fury about it. I would say quite simply, that you had left her in charge of either being the adult present, or arranging for the Grandfatehr to be present, but she failed to do what she agreed to, so you cannot leave the children with her again.

This is all assuming that there WAS a clear agreement that Granny would be in charge and handover to Grandpa. If actually there wasn't a clear agreement about it all, then I still think the Granny was wrong to leave the children, but the OP needs to take some responsibility too for leaving the children in to situation without a crystal clear agreement about what was going to happen.

[baldbyfifty]

Thank you to everyone that replied, she is 100% in the wrong or she wouldn't have told my girls to lie and she certainly won't be looking after the girls again. We live in a teeny tiny village with no breakfast clubs or childminders sadly but we have a plan so its a start.
Oooo the next few days are going to be rather tense after the convo we have coming with my mother! lol
Thanks again its much appreciated xx

[Toffeewhirl]

Another thought: if something had happened to you so that you couldn't pick up the children, how long before someone got home to them again, op? That's another issue with your DM lying to you, because you were unaware that your children were alone and couldn't have arranged for anyone else to take care of them if you were unavoidably delayed.