If you pay minimal maintenance, you clothe the kids when you have them?

[Sophieelmer]

That isn't too much to ask is it? It can't be reasonable to anyone, to have their DC one night a week and half holidays. Pay £10 a week maintenance and expect the RP to provide clothes for a trip to the seaside or a wedding etc?

Would I be unreasonable if I said fuck off (ever so politely) to the next request?

Also if they main worry you have is that your dc went hone in a grey top you bought and came back in a green top their rp bought, then you need to grow the fuck up.

My exh and his new wife are so obsessive about segregating my clothes and theirs that they change my dd the second she walks in the house.On the one occasion he collected her from school and I forgot to pack an outfit he changed her back into her( school dinner) stained school uniform rather than bringing her back in his clothes. She cut a rather forlorn figure in her dirty school uniform at 6pm on a Sunday

But as I mentioned earlier in the thread what about when the RP sends the child in ill fitting, weather inappropriate clothing every week knowing that the NRP isn't going to leave his child like that and is going to buy new clothes that fit and are weather appropriate. The child then makes sure they wear the new clothes home each week and bones back next week in more unsuitable clothes. When I talk about unsuitable clothes I am thinking of my husbands ex who would send their child in sandals, trousers that were several inches short and without a coat in the middle of January. DH would go and buy shoes, a coat, a pair of trousers and the child would wear those and go home in them and next week the same thing would happen. He paid a reasonable amount of maintenance too (and gave his ex all the equity in the house they had shared) and didn't reduce his maintenance (or even try to) when we had a child together.
After a year he was made redundant and couldn't buy new clothes every week for a couple of months and the child started miraculously arriving for visits in suitable clothes.

It isn't always the NRP who is manipulative and prepared to put money before their child's welfare.

Blimey, even my aunt has a full wardrobe for DD when she's at hers! I don't have this problem as XH is in Mexico and DD hasn't seen him since she was 2.5.

Re the earlier posts it was certainly a bit much when I heard my children's father was paying a set of school fees for a girl friend when he doesn't pay a penny to his own chilren and presumably that was paid out of the money I paid him on the divorce! It is the not seeing the first family that puzzles me with some of these men. Why does a girl friend want a man who chooses not see his children?

Sorry to be pedantic super- but how can a child make sure they go home in their best clothes?

Either the dc is a child and therefore the adult dictates what happens , or they are old enough to wear what the hell they want and if that is the case, then it is their choice to come to yours looking like a extra from the musical Annie.

I assume that your dp is a good parent but will say it again.

If the most worrying thing in your life is which outfit your dc goes home in then you do need to grow the fuck up....

Thousands of rp are left to cope without any help whilst the nrp and his new deluded partner do their utmost to fuck over their dcs and it stinks.

Stop having more kids if you don't support your first set.

I wish this was legally enforceable.

I also endorse prison for nrp ( male or female) for those who don't contribute to the welfare of their dc, just as is the case for rp with regards to neglect.

I also believe that assets should be taken to financially support children whose parents go down the route of quitting their job, then living off the substantial earnings of the new partner.

The child went home in the new (or best clothes) because the alternative was taking him home (on public transport) in unsuitable clothes. Do you really think my DH would take his child willingly on a bus in January wearing sandals and no coat just because his ex was prepared to do that?
It wasn't as though the child was taking a bag of new clothes home, he was wearing them as they were the only suitable clothes we had to dress him in. It wouldn't have mattered if we had bought one outfit each week or 4 outfits all at once, the fact is one new set of clothes and shoes were going back to RP each week do it was one set of clothes each week that we were buying.

And my DH didn't do any of the financially nasty things that you suggest to spite his ex mygarden. When he separated from his ex they had £130k of equity in their house and only 4 years left on the mortgage and my DH relinquished all of his share of the equity to ensure that his child had a decent home to live in. He paid maintenance from day one and when his ex went to the CSA in the belief that she could get more maintenance the CSA calculated a lower figure but my DH continued paying his original amount (he even paid when he was out of work for 5 months due to redundancy using his small amount of savings to do so).

My garden, you really need to reassess all the people in your life if you know all these (all NRP and their wicked partners I pressume) who are starving their children, not clothing them and living in the lap of luxury without jobs

Who said we couldn't ckothe the children the mother is a sneaky bitch but we've been caught out in more than 1 occasion with her lies as far as clothes go. she says its pointkess having stuff here, says she will put stuff together in a bag for when they come, we give her all their clothes Nd surprise, they arrive looking like stig of the dump. Last week she wanted their clothes do she could pack for their holiday, promised she would give them back .... Can you guess what happened? again. We have no problem with having clothes here, she seems to though. This is the woman who threatned to call the police over a pair of leggins for a 5 year old DP pays well and above what he legally has to and when he couldn't (because of debt she fraudently got him in to) I paid for her children. But it wasn't enough

I also think your idea of jailing NRP who are unable to contribute for neglect a great idea. Also taking possessions from someone's house when they loose their job, another good idea. As for, I pressume you mean sterilising non paying NRP, how else could you 'legally' enforce your idea? would the same go for their evil new partners too. Or perhaps the single mother that relies on food banks? Should we sterilise her as well incase she falls preggers and has a new baby? wonderful well though out ideas there, your just full of them, aren't you.

It's certainly not the most worrying thing in my life unfortunately but it does seem to be on hers!

Most fathers do see their children and do contribute (and mothers when the children don't live with them). It is only those of us who deal with the exceptions who tend to come on line about it.

Also people have different ideas of what is suitable dress. At times I have had children who will only wear shorts in winter or a younger childn who will only wear one top and skirt - I remember it well - it came from a charity shop and she wore it until it nearly wore out. It can be the child or teenager who refuses to wear the coat not the parent forcing them into something unsuitable and plentyo f us could not care how we look and then the father moves off and in with some fashion plate fuss pot who thinks children are artistic works so there is just a mismatch of expectations on child appearance.

Super- read what I have posted. I wrote that I assume your dp is a good parent so what is your problem?

Jackie - I have not said we should legally enforce sterilisation now have I?

And no I actually know lots of very decent people but you seem to be ignoring the fact that a lot of parents don't support their dc.

Please explain why if there are do many good nrp the csa was established.

Have you ever tried to get through to them?

Of course they sit on their backsides all day every day with nothing at all to do because nobody ever has to contact them with regard to financial disputes.

All parents are great. All parents do the decent thing. No child ever has said that their parent was a twat who did not put then first. Yes everyone is lying.
Oh and as for removing my dcs father and his new partner why should my dcs suffer any more?
Who the hell are you to tell my dcs they should not see their father?
Seriously who do you think you are talking to .

Just so you are clear I was with their father for almost 25 years, I wasn't sone slut on a one night stand if that is what you are inferring.
Remove him from their lives- you sound delightful.

Red my sons child turning up shivering wearing a T shirt and sandals in the middle of January is not me being a fashion fuss pot. If the child is immediately complaining that he is cold and is evidently cold then I think any decent father would go and buy the child a coat if he can. As a parent myself I couldn't really care whether my 6 year old wants to wear a coat of not in minus three degrees, I would bloody well put one on him instead of taking him on a one hour bus journey shivering.

Should say my DHs child.

Eh ........ I never said your kids should be removed from anywhere? Perhsps you should direct that comment to whoever said it, not me sheesh

If course some parents are shot. And done mothers are bitter and will use money/their childre

Posted too quickly

Some mothers or RP should I say will use money/clothes/children, whatever they can to try and get one over on their ex. There's always two sides to a story. And who the hell called you a slut?

This threads turned vile absolutely no need!!

Surely a parent who has the ability to buy a coat and shoes and travel on public transport has the ability to return home with the coat and shoes as well.

Is it ever bitter to obtain CM for your child and expect the other parent to meet their needs whilst in their care?

Yes and the local Oxfam shop has clothes as good as new which will be fine. I just was making the point that I have had small children who refuse to put on warm clothes.

One of my friends was having massive issues with clothes back and forth they had a 50/50 arangement from the outside looking in it was very much a case of just different priorities and standards and a desire to get at each other.

What works for them now is quite prescribed parallel parenting and travel outfits the child wears a season appropriate comfy track suit between houses and they do not converse ever. Any essential info is passed over via email.

Now the child is not being emotionally abused by witnessing the what was almost constant hostility

Surely a parent who has the ability to buy a coat and shoes and travel on public transport has the ability to return home with the coat and shoes as well.

Err, not if your ex partner insist on meeting you a couple of miles from their house with your child because they don't want you anywhere near their house.
What do you expect him to do, take the shoes and coat off his child and let him walk a couple of miles home without them?
You are making the assumption that all RPs behave in a reasonable manner and put their children before the bitterness that they feel towards the NRP.

I suppose he could have just taken the child right to the front door though seeing as he knew where the house was ( as it used to be his home) but that would have caused an argument in front of the child and he didn't want that.

I'm not making that assumption at all but he is allowing her to behave like that by engaging with the nonsence.

Sometimes people facilitate behaviour because they have got themselves into a cycle and feel it's just the way it is.

Unless there is a history of DA she can demand he collect and return anywhere but he does not have to agree with it. She can not allow him on her property but she can't stop him using the public highway. There are also several effective ways to nip someone being aggressive and hostile on handover in the bud without engaging with if if that is what's needed

It isn't an issue any longer because the child is now fully grown and has left home (he didn't really have a choice as his mother sold the house and bought a one bed flat as soon as he went to uni so he didn't have a home to return to).
Yes, of course the roads are public and nobody could stop him using them but by dropping his son at the house rather than meeting a couple of miles away for the handover an argument would ensue and the child would have to witness it. My DH did what he thought would cause the least distress to his child and cause his child to witness the least amount of animosity. Perhaps he was too soft and should have just behaved as he pleased but the main negative impact would have been on his son. I'm sure the boy had witnessed enough animosity during his parents break up and my DH didn't want to compound it.
If that makes him a big pushover then so be it.
The nonsense did stop when my husband was out of work for five months as he had to accept that he couldn't afford both maintenance, travel and new clothes on a weekly basis so he did tell his ex that he wouldn't be paying maintenance whilst out of work if he had to buy new clothes every week as he couldn't afford to do both. Miraculously the child started arriving with an overnight bag and appropriate clothing and footwear.

Wait for it super there are those who believe exw/p can do absolutely no wrong and they are never to blame. See her behaviour wasn't her fault, it was your DPs for facilitating it !! Bet there are those that think he bribed his wife with maintenence

Excluding when dealing with abusers most people have the capacity to end an argument because it relies on both people engaging with it for an arguement to happen.

It's fairly easy to shut a convo down or make it clear nothing other than polite comments will be engaged with in advance if the other person still insists on attempting to ramp things up then third party handover or utilise the legal recourses available to stop it. This is where parallel parenting can be fantastic