Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you pay minimal maintenance, you clothe the kids when you have them?

150 replies

Sophieelmer · 29/07/2015 14:41

That isn't too much to ask is it? It can't be reasonable to anyone, to have their DC one night a week and half holidays. Pay £10 a week maintenance and expect the RP to provide clothes for a trip to the seaside or a wedding etc?

Would I be unreasonable if I said fuck off (ever so politely) to the next request?

OP posts:
RedDaisyRed · 01/08/2015 21:29

Well people differ. I pay everything and he pays nothing and even more interesting returns unopened by post anything he receives from the school about them. Weird. Most fathers want to be involved , not the opposite.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/08/2015 00:14

Travelling,

If she does attempt to throw it back in your face then just don't let it bother you, you know you have stuck to the agreement.

Smiling and nodding is often a good move when that happens

swallowed · 02/08/2015 08:11

Argh smile and nod! I must have a permanent crick in my neck and rictus grin on my face from all the smiling and nodding I do! GrinGrin

Particularly with exMIL, who thinks buying one pair of jeans a year makes ex dad of the millennium...

travellinglighter · 02/08/2015 13:44

Needasockamnesty

17 years of marriage to an Alpha female taught me everything I need to know about smiling and letting her get on with it.

I am really surprised at the amount of men who get away with not funding their children. I have done a bit of internet dating and the world is full of women who have shouldered the whole burden for an arshole ex.

RedDaisyRed · 02/08/2015 14:47

It's not very hard to show your income is virtually zero if you are self employed or own your own company. What is more psychologically interesting is how men who in marriage were very involved with and committed to chdilren then choose not to be nor to pay after. I remember one date where he spent about 2 hours telling me about how he hid his money in a tax haven used to register ships in. Why would he think I would want a man who chose not to support his children? Do they think I'd find that sexy and appealing when I pay 100% for mine?

Mygardenistoobig · 02/08/2015 20:14

Redaisyred I'm with you on that but just take a look at these boards, they are full of women slating the first wife for 'grasping' money legally owed to their children.
Or taking a sneering tone that their partner has been requested to clothe his own child, the flaming cheek of theses first wives.

RedDaisyRed · 02/08/2015 20:36

In my view a first family should always come first and if you cannot afford to keep the first you use contraception and don't have any children with a second wife or you only marry a rich second wife who can keep herself and her children.

Superexcited · 02/08/2015 20:47

A first family should always come first but people's circumstances can change and whilst somebody might have been able to afford the first family and a second family at the time of conception they might struggle to do so a few years down the line and then the money has to be be divided to ensure that both families get some level of support.

RedDaisyRed · 02/08/2015 22:27

That's why when people hav eonly one family they limit the number of children in case in due course they fall on hard times so that might be a reason not to rush off to create new happy families with the younger bit of stuff unless you have an awful lot of insruance in place or the new woman is a high earner and you never let her give up full time work I suppose.

ravenAK · 02/08/2015 22:47

I'm relatively new to all this - we separated in March & the knobhead only decided overnight stays might be a thing he'd like in July because dc & I are moving away so I can take up a new job & he wants to obstruct this .

I'm finding that the simplest thing is to send the dc in clothes I don't like, or that are about to be outgrown. They are decently & warmly covered & have sufficient changes. He is welcome to buy them additional clothing specific to whichever activity he is planning, given that he likes to go all Secret Squirrel & make a point of not telling me his plans.

If washed clothing comes back, great, if not, which is more usual, meh. To be fair, I do shop a lot in charity shops for their weekend clothes, so it's not really a financial issue - more that it would irritate me if favourite items disappeared, so I don't pack them.

I've told him to let me know when enough of their stuff has accumulated at his mum's that he no longer requires a bag packing for them.

JakieOH · 02/08/2015 23:15

Aw red, is that what 'people' do? So no family has more children than they can afford just separated ones? What do you suggest happens to 'new' children if parents are struggling? Have word with yourself Smile always makes me laugh the whole first fmily should always come first. What a bitter attitude, I feel sorry for you!

travellinglighter · 02/08/2015 23:36

Reddaisyred

It may be easy to do but why would you do it? I want my kids to love and respect me, that’s why I fought for 50% custody. They are not going to do that if they think I was anything other than committed to their upkeep and welfare. I have spent 13 and 11 years developing a relationship with my DC’s and it’s as good as it’s ever been now that the pressure of a failing marriage has eased.

I realise I’m lucky in the fact that she is paid a lot more than me and I’m hardly on minimum wage. If a second relationship comes along and she wanted children then I would have to think long and hard about committing to another child.

Superexcited · 02/08/2015 23:43

No red you are wrong. Many families have the number of children that they can afford at the time and then shit happens and they can no longer afford said family without govt support (which I don't begrudge). Heck, there are even families (first families) who have children they can't afford at the time of conception.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/08/2015 00:20

But having a second family does not remove your obligations to the already existing children,neither does moving in with someone else's children.

Existing children still need to be maintained and you still need to meet their needs whilst they are in your care.

If someone I was dating begrudged me buying one of my kids clothes for them to use whilst with me tend would be exiting my life pretty sharpish

Oswin · 03/08/2015 00:32

I just cant see who would ever move in with a man or have a child with a man who would use that as an excuse to lower maintenance. Especially if its csa rates which aren't much as it is.
Id be out the door straight off. Men like that disgust me.

JakieOH · 03/08/2015 00:35

It's exactly the same as they would if all the children lived together. The money would be split between all the children the same as they would if they were all living together.

There seems to be a minority of people on here who think maintenence should never change unless it goes up no matter what the NRP circumstances are. Thankfully they are in the minority Hmm

Obviously there are situations where NRP are irresponsible but that happens when parents are together too. if all parents were responsible there would be a lot less child poverty in that case?

JakieOH · 03/08/2015 00:40

So your saying that if a couple already have 1 child they should not have another if it means they will have to budget more and possibly cut back the amount they spend on the 1st child? If that was the case my little brother wouldn't have been born, perhaps then my parents would have been able to afford to buy me a car and I could have had a more exotic holiday every year? Can't believe how selfish they were Confused

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/08/2015 01:01

In all fairness when my very soon to be xhusband attempted to put my kids down on his Csa form I told him if he was going to do that he could pack and go as I was not having him use them as an excuse to lower his money to his ex.

This was because he had no responsibility towards my children made no contribution of any kind towards them and I was not happy for him to pretend he was. He did not put them on the form.

I don't think CM should never change but I do think people should pay the correctly assesed amount but I do think the nil rate other than for minor NRP's should be removed, I also don't think that a reduction should be given for other people's children.

Oswin · 03/08/2015 01:03

Well in together family's usually 90 percent of income goes on feeding housing and clothing children. For a nrp who is only paying 20 percent to lower that frankly is shit. It really is. Less than 20 percent is an insult.
You cannot compare it to together family's, because by living with the parent the child is already going to benefit from there parents money than a non resident child would.

JakieOH · 03/08/2015 01:11

I can only speak for my DP but I'm sure he isn't the only one. He pays well over the calculated amount if CSA. If we have a child we have discussed this he wouldn't necessarily lower the amount he pays but he would probably have to cut back with the extras. By extras I mean expensive santa presents or make their mother pay half less clothes, expensive day trips etc. Obviously having another child will impact on the older DC, I wasn't speaking about paying less than the minimum CM although I'm sure there are plenty that do

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/08/2015 01:12

jakie

If that question was directed at me. No that is not what I am saying at all.

I am saying that parents should account for having to pay for existing children and meeting their basic needs whilst they are in their care.

If the Csa/CMS says you have to pay x then you have to pay x, if you know your child is living in your house EOW then you know you need a couple of tops and trousers and some underware for them.

If your child is with you then you account for them needing food clothes and somewhere to sleep amd know that during the time when they are with you that you are responsible for them.

I've seen posts on here by parents who have to do things like pack food for the kids for when they go on contact, or have to almost hand feed the other parent and facilitate contact by chasing them. Stuff like that shouldn't need to happen.

JakieOH · 03/08/2015 01:14

There's a lot of lines through that post sorry Blush

Anyway for the OPs case I think the dad should definitely have clothes for his DP.

JakieOH · 03/08/2015 01:22

Im sure there are examples of every type of behaviour on this site, that isn't the norm though surely?

It would be more sensible in our situation if SC brought clothes with them. DPs ex won't stick to it though so we have to have clothes here for them. It's a shame, they don't get the wear out of them and sometimes get upset when they can't take new stuff to their mums. she bloody took every stitch of their clothes back last week so we have had to buy all new things again Angry it's infuriating. But that's just our situation.

I don't think its right for NRP to expect it if RP isn't willing to do it, certainly if they don't fork out for new stuff, as long as everyone knows.

itsbetterthanabox · 03/08/2015 01:33

It's not about an axe to grind.
If the RP chose not to clothe the child or left them in the same dirty clothes this world be considered neglect. If a NRP does this we blame the RP! Ridiculous. If they can't clothe the child then why are they being trusted to take care of them?

Mygardenistoobig · 03/08/2015 06:24

If you cannot clothe your first set of kids then frankly you do not deserve to have more children with another partner.

I know lots of seemingly very nice couples who have done everything they can to reduce the amount of maintenance they pay towards the children from their ex.

The main one seems to be to go on the sick.

I know nrp who do not feed their dc( I include my ex in this).

Also if you (nrp) buy clothes for your dc and keep them at your home, how on Earth can the rp talks them to their house? Seriously how can this happen?

You buy say 4 outfits, your dc go back home in one set, this leaves 3 clean sets at your home, plus the one set the dc arrived in . Yup then have a grand total of 4 sets of clothes at up ur home.

Where is the problem?
There isn't one.