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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you pay minimal maintenance, you clothe the kids when you have them?

150 replies

Sophieelmer · 29/07/2015 14:41

That isn't too much to ask is it? It can't be reasonable to anyone, to have their DC one night a week and half holidays. Pay £10 a week maintenance and expect the RP to provide clothes for a trip to the seaside or a wedding etc?

Would I be unreasonable if I said fuck off (ever so politely) to the next request?

OP posts:
Mygardenistoobig · 30/07/2015 07:37

I think if the nrp is taking their dcs to a wedding then it should be their responsibility to provide the clothes.

However my ex does not pay maintenance and doesn't provide anything at all for his dcs.

Superexcited · 30/07/2015 07:37

But at £10pw maintenance and specific demands yANBU

Mygardenistoobig · 30/07/2015 07:47

Im puzzled as to why the new partners on this thread are involved in buying clothes for their partners children. It is the parents job to do that whether they are the rp or nrp.

Take a step back and stop mollycoddling these men ffs.

swallowed · 30/07/2015 07:47

Exh probably thinks that DC only have crappy old clothes.

They have beautiful clothes. However they wear the old stuff to his house because it gets ruined. No bib for the little one, so stains all over his t shirt, no wet weather trousers or wellies so if they're playing outside it's all filthy and mud encrusted.

Exh never sees them wearing their lovely new clothes.

cleanmyhouse · 30/07/2015 07:49

My two spend 3 nights a week with their dad. He pays no maintenance, i get tax credits and CB. I buy most of their clothes, shoes, school uniforms, but he'll buy bits and pieces of clothes for them too. It all goes back and fore between the two homes. Occasionally he'll ask me to send stuff over if clothes are running low and vice versa.

It took us about 7 years to get to this stage. I used to have to provide everything and would regularly be told off about unsuitable or old clothing ( in his eyes).

lemonade30 · 30/07/2015 08:46

well I believe, after perusing the thread that you're the only person to have mentioned 'revenge' swallowed.

which seems odd.

swallowed · 30/07/2015 09:10

I was quoting you at 23:04 lemonade Grin

lemonade30 · 30/07/2015 09:49

only you didn't 'quote me'. you questioned 'who mentioned revenge?'

when it seems that you knew it was me.

so you were, it seems, being deliberately obtuse when I would have willingly expanded on my earlier point had you expressly asked me to.

again, I find this odd Wink

lemonade30 · 30/07/2015 09:54

incidentally I do find it slightly perplexing that you are apparently unwilling to help/facilitate your children's other parent to keep them well clothed. why wouldn't you want to help the father of your DC?

I can't fathom why it matters who provides their clothes as long as one of you does so.

I'm afraid it still reads as slightly juvenile and petty to me.

On that note I urge you in the words of the inimitable Elsa to let it go....

BeyondTheWall · 30/07/2015 10:10

A friend of mines ex asked for nappies the other day :(

maxxytoe · 30/07/2015 11:39

I wouldn't help the father of my child
Why should I ?
He pays no maintenance and loses DS' things
DS came home the other week without his jeans , his dad had managed to lose them in the 4 hours he had him.
I refuse to send anymore clothes and just put him in the same scruffy outfit every week as I can't afford to keep replacing items his dad has lost or ruined !

lemonade30 · 30/07/2015 11:44

I'd be more inclined to question your ex as to why he manages to lose smart items of clothing but is able to return the 'scruffy' items every week?

DixieNormas · 30/07/2015 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

apricotdanish · 30/07/2015 12:34

"I also think that an awful lot of the objections to sending/providing clothes in this thread are precisely nothing at all to do with the needs of the child, but rather an excuse to give credence to the bitterness felt for ex partners."

Having just finished reading the whole thread, TBF, the above comment does imply that women are seeking revenge, despite the fact that you've not used the word outright. So I understand how that conclusion had been arrived at as it was my interpretation of your comment too.

Superexcited · 30/07/2015 13:06

But revenge is not the whole story. What about cases like my DH who was buying a set of decent clothes every weekend only for the child to wear them home and return the following weekend in raggedy, weather unsuitable clothes? His ex didn't have the excuse that my DH was ruining clothing or keeping them so that is why she sent her son in unsuitable clothing as nothing ever got ruined and nothing got kept at our house. His ex was simply sending her son in unsuitable clothes to force my DH to constantly buy new things (and he was paying a decent amount of maintenance too). In the end it was the child who missed out and was affected because my DH stopped buying new clothing every week and just let his son wear whatever he was sent in / brought with him (this was partly a forced financial decision when he was made redundant).

littlegreen66 · 30/07/2015 13:10

"Im puzzled as to why the new partners on this thread are involved in buying clothes for their partners children. It is the parents job to do that whether they are the rp or nrp.

Take a step back and stop mollycoddling these men ffs."

Because we're a team. Because DH and I support each other in all areas of life. Because if I see something DSS needs and/or would like I get it for him.

It works for us. Not sure why what you think is relevant.

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 30/07/2015 13:17

Me and dd1's dad broke up just after her first birthday. He doesn't pay much in maintenance but doesn't earn much either. If I went through csa I'm sure I'd get less than I am getting.

I've always sent her to his for the weekend with a bag of clean clothes, and get her back with a bag of dirty clothes. It doesn't bother me. I'd far rather be happy knowing dd will be dressed appropriately for the weather, and be wearing clean clothes that fit her and look ok. If it was left to him, Christ knows what she'd be wearing, I dread to think. She has friends she sees at his and she wants to look nice too.

That said, I don't send her with any very favourite stuff as things do have a tendency to get lost and never come back sometimes. But in the grand scheme of things, It's not worth getting worked up about. Me and dd1's dad have a good relationship and help each other out where we can, I'm not going to start losing it with him when a pair of jeans from sainsburys disappears. I think you need to pick your battles wisely when it comes to dealing with exes.

swallowed · 30/07/2015 13:45

Lemonade I have literally no idea what you're talking about Confused

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/07/2015 15:25

I think it's ever so slightly disingenuous to presume that a parent isn't meeting a child's needs because the other parent provides materially for them. children have more pressing needs than clothes. If a parent neglects to feed a child, keep them safe or interact positively with them then fair enough, but providing clothes for one day a week? do me a favour

More pressing needs yes,but clothes are still a need.

If we are promoting compleate parenting equality as we should be,it is a perfectly valid view point that children may benefit from both parents being interchangeable (that may not be the right way to phrase it my brain is frazzled) and both houses being interchangeable with no packing or what not being required when going between both.

maxxytoe · 30/07/2015 15:40

Because I don't send a spare change of clothes so that's what he stays in whilst with his dad.
Saying that though he managed to lose a pair of jeans within four hours that DS was wearing .
Yes he returned him trouserless and claimed he doesnt know what DS did with them
I explained to him DS is one year old. It's not his responsibility

DixieNormas · 30/07/2015 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonade30 · 30/07/2015 17:05

how sensible littlefluffyclouds

you have a really good attitude Smile

lemonade30 · 30/07/2015 17:15

I simply don't agree with you sockamnesty

I'm not, nor do I consider that I should be, either interchangeable nor an equal parent with my exH. that would be ridiculous.

He is a parent for twenty four hours per week. I am parenting for the remainder of the time. I don't expect him to be an equal parent I just expect him to love, care for and engage with my children during the time that he has them.

I don't expect him to live up to my standards, he's not capable of them, that is why he is an exH and not a present one Wink

he has many redeeming features. he's arguably more irreverent, carefree and fun than I am. I dare say my children benefit from this difference between our natures.

picking out clothes, washing and ironing aren't his forte.
so I pack a bag for the children which he returns (mostly) on time.

No big deal. my children know he's a part time parent by virtue of the fact that they see him so relatively seldomly.
His flat isn't in any way their home, why would it be? its their Dad's flat where they stay once a week.
They live with me, their step dad and baby brother and sister. They have one home. Not two.

I don't understand why anything else should be the case.

maxxytoe · 30/07/2015 17:30

His house is a fucking bomb site !
He's not give back DS leggings in the past because he didn't like them Hmm

swallowed · 30/07/2015 17:59

See lemonade, all this "their home is at my house, they just visit him" stuff actually sounds a little bit bitter to me. It's horses for courses right?

What we do works for me us. Which is all that matters really.

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