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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you pay minimal maintenance, you clothe the kids when you have them?

150 replies

Sophieelmer · 29/07/2015 14:41

That isn't too much to ask is it? It can't be reasonable to anyone, to have their DC one night a week and half holidays. Pay £10 a week maintenance and expect the RP to provide clothes for a trip to the seaside or a wedding etc?

Would I be unreasonable if I said fuck off (ever so politely) to the next request?

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 29/07/2015 16:20

That all seems like quite a faff Dixie! If it turns out the ex has enough money to buy clothes then surely there's the argument for an improved rate of maintenance instead, negating the need for separate clothes for different homes.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/07/2015 16:24

YABU. What about the resident parent who claims all the CTC and CB for the children? If that is what is used to feed and clothe them, why should the NRP who gets none of those benefits have to pay for an additional set of clothes

The NRP gets a deduction in CM based on his/her contact with the child because they are meant to meet the childs needs.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/07/2015 16:27

Obviously both parents should pay for clothes, but plenty don't, both resident and non resident

Perhaps I'm not terribly observant but I have never noticed significant numbers of children going about their day to day lives with no clothes on.

DixieNormas · 29/07/2015 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonade30 · 29/07/2015 16:57

sophieelmer sometimes I never see the clothes again, or if I do the DC have outgrown them.

But thats only on occasion.

If I'm perfectly candid I'm just happy that my children are having a nice time for the twenty four hours each week that my ExH deigns to see them.

I believe that I have a responsibility to facilitate my children to have a relationship with their bio dad. I refuse to sabotage this by squabbling over money/being petty or passive aggressive/actually aggressive.

life and their childhood is just too short. I take pride in single handedly providing for my children and I'm in the privileged position of being able to do so.
The lack of support from my ex incites no indignation on my part.

so he 'gets off scot free' so what?
he also misses out on seeing his children six days of the week, which is completely his perogative and one which I feel regretful about on his behalf.

He doesn't have the sense of pride that he has raised, clothed, nurtured and loved his children.
that is priceless. as for his monetary contributions, he's welcome to them.

I have no reason to concern myself with his lack of financial support. It would not be myself that benefitted from said contribution, it would be my children. Thanks to me they have everything they need and they always will have. They don't need his money so why should lack of it bother me?

honeyroar · 29/07/2015 17:17

We don't pay a massive amount in maintenance, but he does have loads of clothes here, along with pets, bikes, toys and anything else he needs. His clothes are his, it doesn't matter what ends up where, it works it's way back! For holidays, sometimes he brings things from his mums to take on holiday with us, sometimes he takes things from here to go on holiday with his mum. If he needs something particular sometimes we buy it, sometimes his mother buys it. We live on a small holding, so he probably has more outdoor/ scruffy clothes here.

This thread is nice. It's made me realise there are things we've not argued about!!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/07/2015 17:51

I'm not sure I would be comfortable with my children growing up knowing that only one of their parents provided practical care related stuff for them.

I would much prefer for them to grow up knowing that both parents could be equally relied apon to meet their needs whilst they were in their care.

Dothefridgesquat · 29/07/2015 17:54

We have DSD 2 nights per week, do all of the 100 mile round trip to get her AND take her back, pay £50 per week maintenence AND buy her clothes, shoes etc when she needs them. We would never see her go without!

captainproton · 29/07/2015 18:03

Once they are old enough to pack their own bag, DSS was 9, don't the clothes belong to the child? Perhaps they have some clothes mum or dad bought they love to wear and would like to wear them in both homes? DH used to ring DSD night before and go through what he needed to bring with him. Likewise his mum would at the end of contact. Sometimes we bought stuff and never saw it again, but DSS did wear it. Things like coats and trainers cost a bomb why pay out twice?

Obviously this only works if both parents provide for their kids. But some people don't seem to get the idea that once you buy something for someone they get to do with it as they wish.

Original poster
Sophieelmer · 29/07/2015 18:05

My partner and I work full time to provide for our DC. Whilst the nrp works pt so they have enough time to see DC! I feel like we are subsidising their luxurious lifestyle. I don't think DC will do without, they needn't. The nrp might have to rethink their priorities.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 29/07/2015 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScoutRifle · 29/07/2015 18:48

The CSA say that as long as the correct maintenance is being regularly paid then the NRP does not have to provide clothes for the duration of the stay at their abode. The NRP can of course supply clothes if they wish.

My DH's ex decided she no longer wanted to pack a bag every weekend so she came up with some crap about him having to provide all the clothes from now on and apparently the CSA told her so. I phoned the CSA because I was wondering if I could do the same with my ex and our children because he refused but it turned out he was right. I emailed the confirmation from the CSA to my DH's ex and she carried on packing a bag every weekend. I stupidly had already bought them loads of clothes so they got sent to DH's ex who sold them on eBay.
Cheers love.

Imperialleather2 · 29/07/2015 19:04

Dh is,the nrp and we have clothes here.

His ex however once went ballistic over the fact dss went home to her in our primark pants and not her next ones. I kid you not!

I think there has to be some give and take but I think as a nrp to always,take clothes takes the piss

missymayhemsmum · 29/07/2015 21:19

I think it's very odd for kids to have different clothes etc at each parent's house, so would expect to send them with a bag of clothing, but YANBU to expect him to buy a 'special' outfit if he wants to take them to a family wedding and they don't already have something suitable.

swallowed · 29/07/2015 21:22

Agree with every word Dixie.

lemonade30 · 29/07/2015 23:04

Dixie you wouldn't be doing it 'for him' but for your children.

The best revenge is living well and not allowing another person to 'live rent free in your head space'.

DixieNormas · 30/07/2015 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/07/2015 01:51

The CSA say that as long as the correct maintenance is being regularly paid then the NRP does not have to provide clothes for the duration of the stay at their abode. The NRP can of course supply clothes if they wish

That's a little odd, because the reason for the reduction in CM being connected to amount of overnights for contact is to reflect the NRP being responsible for meeting the children's needs whilst they are in his/her care.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/07/2015 01:57

Dixie you wouldn't be doing it 'for him' but for your children

Another school of thought would be that by doing so for her children she is doing them a disservice because she would be colluding with the other parent and assisting him in not meeting the children's needs, it could also appear that she is subtly undermining the other parent by setting herself up as the one that actually aranges all the practical aspects of parenting so by default the senior parent even when they are in his care and sending the children the message that daddy cannot be trusted to do these things so much better parent mum has to.

maxxytoe · 30/07/2015 02:53

I don't send clothes because I can't afford to keep replacing the ones DS dad has 'lost' Angry

lemonade30 · 30/07/2015 07:07

I think it's ever so slightly disingenuous to presume that a parent isn't meeting a child's needs because the other parent provides materially for them. children have more pressing needs than clothes. If a parent neglects to feed a child, keep them safe or interact positively with them then fair enough, but providing clothes for one day a week? do me a favour....

I also think that an awful lot of the objections to sending/providing clothes in this thread are precisely nothing at all to do with the needs of the child, but rather an excuse to give credence to the bitterness felt for ex partners.

This is rather sad in my opinion.

furthermore, in my experience children rarely take the blindest bit of notice of which parent is providing their clothes/materially for them.

unless of course one of the parents makes this explicit to them, but what kind of parent would implicate a child in their disagreement with their ext/the child's other parent?

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 30/07/2015 07:15

My ex had just bought a load of clothes for the kids to keep at his house. I prefer it as it's less stress when getting them ready to go there.

Also, I think it's helped feel more like they are going to their other home rather just sleepovers at daddy's.

Plus it means I don't have to worry about getting everything back or replacing things constantly that have been mislaid.

swallowed · 30/07/2015 07:22

Who said anything about revenge?

I spend precisely no time thinking about my ex. He does not take up my head space at all.

He has always been backwards in coming forwards when it comes to the DC. However, by making it clear from the beginning that DC wouldn't be packing a case at mine to stay at his, he was encouraged to (and did) go out and finally think about what his kids might need, in order to provide it. Well his girlfriend did.... Smile

It wouldn't be doing ex any favours to act as if DC are staying at a hotel when they stay with him. They're not going to stay with a friend for the night, they are going to their dads. It should be a home from home for them and it's not going to feel like that if I provide an overnight bag for them.

I'm not bitter, or twisted, or whatever anyone else says. I'm just not going to a) spend energy worrying about something that's not my job b) enable him to rely on my organisational skills as if we were still married or c) act as if my kids are lodging at a random strangers house and provide pjs etc.

DixieNormas · 30/07/2015 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Superexcited · 30/07/2015 07:36

On the other side: my DH used to pay a reasonable amount of maintenance (child now fully grown) and yet whenever his ex sent the child to stay he would arrive in clothes that were too small, had holes in, no coat in winter etc. My DH used to go and buy suitable clothes straight away but then the child insisted on taking them all home each time and would wear the best stuff to ensure it went home. My DH soon realised that his ex had told the child to do this so he stopped buying stuff which unfortunately meant the only spare clothes at his house were the raggedy unsuitable clothes. It was very sad to see his child in unsuitable ill fitting clothes but he couldn't keep buying new stuff each week and the child had plenty of decent clothes at his mums house.
My DH is seen as the bad guy though who didn't provide for his child.