Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my daughter before my husband?

158 replies

funnybones30 · 27/07/2015 21:38

My DD who is 14 got drunk a few months ago and engaged in sexual activity with a boy (not intercourse).

She told me about it as she felt guilty and was very upset. I told my husband who went crazy about it (to be expected) and called her all sorts of names, slag etc

Since then they don't appear to have much of a relationship. She says he doesn't like her. She will speak to him but he will be quite abrupt or ignore her. He loses his temper with her quite easily. He is quite moody anyway, well for the last three years or so.

He tells me she has no respect for anything or anyone. He says I spend too much time chauffeuring her about. I think she is being a normal teenager. She will snap on occasions plus have moods but she realises this and will apologise.

He doesn't think she should be out with her friends all the time even though it is the summer holidays and that she should stay in more.

He said to me he could easily kick her out if she was 16, he wouldn't though. I feel like I'm caught between our DD and husband.

I'm beginning to think maybe I should split with him and move out with our other child also. I'm really fed up with it and cant see any other way.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:
Scoobydoo8 · 28/07/2015 20:18

The OP is concerned for her DD. Of course it's relevant that the DF will see her on his own.

He doesn't ride off into the sunset. He is still around for years to come.

But not in MN world. LTB then all the world is rosy.

TheOddity · 28/07/2015 20:59

I know lots of teens who choose not to go stay with their fathers once their parents are divorced. You can't actually make them! Plenty if children with dickhead parents choose to distance themselves as soon as they realise they have a say.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 28/07/2015 21:10

Kids make mistakes, including ones related to sex. Your DD has recognised her mistake and did the right thing - turned to her parents for support. She'll make more mistakes, but this incident is teaching not to turn to you which is so sad.
Your husband needs to understand the damage he is doing, apologise to her or their relationship is toast.

woowoo22 · 28/07/2015 21:12

My ex h never sees my DC. Ever.

LassUnparalleled · 28/07/2015 21:12

I could not have any respect whatsoever for a father who could call his daughter a slag

Indeed. I could not have any respect whatsoever for a man who could call any woman a slag.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/07/2015 21:46

I've my ex called our DD a slag, i'd rip him a new one.

OP's DD is human, she's bound to make mistakes and regret things. She's allowed to make mistakes and should be able to count on the support of her parents whenever she does.

OP it says alot about your relationship that she was able to be open, now what she needs is to see that you think her father over reacted and that you'll set him straight.

drudgetrudy · 28/07/2015 22:10

How can OP "kick him out" if they are married, jointly own the house and he doesn't want to go? If he persists in this behaviour she may want to reconsider if she wants to split with him but she can't just "throw him out". Also with younger children some people do stay in less than ideal relationships knowing that kids will have to see other parent alone. This should be less of an issue with a teenager who isn't forced into contact if they don't want it. A lot depends if OP's husband is willing to listen to her. Would he co-operate with family therapy OP? Has he any insight at all that he may be being unreasonable. Is he opposed to any sex outside marriage. (My parents were but I don't think they would have treated me like he is treating your DD).

Ragusa · 28/07/2015 22:12

Scoobydoo8 you're spectacularly missing the point. If this behaviour is not an isolated incident (and by the sounds of it it's not, not at all) then the potential benefits of leaving are many:

  • not having to put up with his moods and walk on eggshells all the time
  • the DD not having to be put down or being given the impression that she's not worth anything, via stonewalling, gaslighting etc.
-the DD knowing that someone - her mother - values her and puts her first, and she also learns by watching that women don't have to put up with being put down by angry, inadequate men.

The contact post-relationship breakdown is neither here nor there. The DD would gets a deal of discretion on whether and when to see her father. A court's not going to order 50/50dency if the DD says she doesn't want to see him more than once a week/ fortnight/ whatever - she's 14. Perhaps he will even reflect a bit on his appalling behaviour if there's a threat he might be relegated to the role of saturday dad not likely but you live in hope

And this all misses the poor OP out of the equasion too. Why should she be stuck trying to make the peace between a father and a daughter, and getting roundly criticised by this plonker for her allegedly 'too soft' parenting and probably a million other things

pointythings · 28/07/2015 22:34

At 14 it's very unlikely that a court would force this girl to see her father if she didn't want to.

Obviously I hope it doesn't come to that, but the OP's H needs a massive, massive attitude adjustment. If I were in OP's shoes I would find this impossible very difficult to recover from.

RonaldosAbs · 29/07/2015 00:45

No Poundingthestreets, there is drunk/tipsy and then there is too drunk to consent, they are not the same thing. By your logic every single person who has ever had a drunken sexual encounter is a victim of rape, ludicrous.

As for saying the onus is on the boy to say no, wow. Assuming he was drunk too, by your logic was raped as well then right? Both parties are responsible for their actions.

You said the OP's DD is a victim of rape, OP has not said anything of the kind, drunken teenage encounter does not make her a victim, legally or morally. These are very regular teenage mistakes, you're response is blowing it way out of proportion.

Topseyt · 29/07/2015 02:12

Armchair psychiatrists out in force again!

OP has said that she regrets telling her DH. I am sure she is capable of taking it from there.

I see also that some posters seem to think that parents absolutely should share such sensitive information with each other when it has been given by the child in confidence. A thousand times NO, to this. They do NOT have to. I have a very sensitive teenager here, and a DH with a massive propensity for putting his foot in his mouth over the simplest thing. He is well intentioned. He is a motor mouth who thinks after he speaks all too often. I do not divulge teenage confidences to him.

WilburIsSomePig · 29/07/2015 07:54

He called his daughter a slag?

This, and the fact that he seems to treat her like shit (how can he ignore him when she talks to him?) would be a deal breaker for me. I would not be able to forgive someone damaging my child like this.

Topseyt · 29/07/2015 08:58

Yes Wilbur, not disagreeing.

However, all (and more) has been said many times over now. OP knows beyond any doubt that it was wrong to tell him anything. She can take it from there.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2015 09:32

The OP should not have broken her dd's confidence.

Nobody should stay with a man who calls any woman a slag. Under any circumstances.

The thought of staying with a man woul would use the word to his own child is incomprehensible.

Elisheva · 29/07/2015 09:55

OP's DD is human, she's bound to make mistakes and regret things

But apparently the DH is not allowed to make mistakes.
Maybe he is a nasty abusive man, or maybe he overreacted and doesn't know how to make amends.
Yes his views are outdated and abhorrent but if this is the first time he's been forced to confront them then he may need some support to really think about his beliefs and their implications.
Maybe he doesn't know how to repair the relationship with his dd.
Or maybe he is an arse with no redeeming characteristics.
The OP should undoubtably put her dd first but I don't think LTB without exploring other solutions first is the answer.

Athenaviolet · 29/07/2015 10:10

Doing a sex act at 14 isn't 'a mistake' it's normal behaviour in line with normal human development. We are talking about post pubescent adolescents, not 12yos!

contractor6 · 29/07/2015 10:13

Daughter first, and although what she did was wrong, she showed a lot of courage and maturity by talking to you about it. You should also congratulate yourself that your daughter feels she can confide this in you.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2015 10:22

"OP's DD is human, she's bound to make mistakes and regret things

But apparently the DH is not allowed to make mistakes."

Calling a woman (any woman) a slag is not a "mistake". You don't accidentally have that word in your vocabulary.

HighwayDragon · 29/07/2015 10:24

Your daughter is learning that this is acceptable behaviour, that this is how "men" who care about you act. ANYONE who might call my daughter that would get an ear bashing and more

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 29/07/2015 10:31

Op, LTB. I just could not be with someone like this, let alone someone who would treat any other person this way.

Apologise to your dd if that seems the rights hing, and explain that she is important and that sex (and sex acts, and her own developing sexuality) are not dirty, shameful or someone morally suspect. This sounds a hard situation for you and your dd, but it sounds like the 2 of you have a great relationship. My own parents have always made me feel like sex is shameful, that it would somehow cheapen me, and their refusal to see me as an adult in that way has caused me (and, tbh, them) problems.

Good luck and hugs to your dd.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 29/07/2015 10:35

Also I agree that a 14 yo engaging in a sex act is not wrong. So long as she was not forced (doesn't seem to be the case) this is how humans behave in adolescence (sp?).

marchart · 29/07/2015 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thyemilla85 · 29/07/2015 10:40

Hi op I never normally post but I had to on this thread.

my step dad was an emotionally abusive arse hole who used to call me the same sort of names

I left home at 15 and I'm now 30 years old and have just been diagnosed with emotionally unstable personalitly and borderline personalitly disorder traits Sad

my phycologist said it was most likely caused by my upbringing.

Please don't let your dd grow up the same Angry

derxa · 29/07/2015 10:55

I don't think much of either you or your 'D'H. I feel sorry for your daughter in the middle of a horrible situation. Neither of you actually care that much about her. You know your husband is old fashioned and yet you ran off and told on your daughter. She did something that millions of teenagers do every weekend. His response was disgusting. I think you mean to leave him and this is the excuse.

noeffingidea · 29/07/2015 11:03

Yes you should put your daughter first. Why do you even need to ask?
scooby no, the father wouldn't be 'entitled' to see the daughter on his own.Parents aren't entitled to anything if it's not in the best interests of the child. She's 14. Children of that age are consulted in access arrangements.
And I also agree with those posters who say you shouldn't have told your husband in the first place, unless your daughter gave you express permission. Are you one of those people who tells your friends secrets to your husband as well?