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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put my daughter before my husband?

158 replies

funnybones30 · 27/07/2015 21:38

My DD who is 14 got drunk a few months ago and engaged in sexual activity with a boy (not intercourse).

She told me about it as she felt guilty and was very upset. I told my husband who went crazy about it (to be expected) and called her all sorts of names, slag etc

Since then they don't appear to have much of a relationship. She says he doesn't like her. She will speak to him but he will be quite abrupt or ignore her. He loses his temper with her quite easily. He is quite moody anyway, well for the last three years or so.

He tells me she has no respect for anything or anyone. He says I spend too much time chauffeuring her about. I think she is being a normal teenager. She will snap on occasions plus have moods but she realises this and will apologise.

He doesn't think she should be out with her friends all the time even though it is the summer holidays and that she should stay in more.

He said to me he could easily kick her out if she was 16, he wouldn't though. I feel like I'm caught between our DD and husband.

I'm beginning to think maybe I should split with him and move out with our other child also. I'm really fed up with it and cant see any other way.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:

queentroutoftroutss · 28/07/2015 11:18

You need to take charge here now and kick him out.

00100001 · 28/07/2015 11:21

Who had a house party that was allowing 14 year olds to drink??

I'm with your DH about the kind of people she socialises with

00100001 · 28/07/2015 11:23

and I'm with others in saying, Yes, of course you should have spoken to your DH about the sexual activity!

araiba · 28/07/2015 11:33

having a teenage daughter is much more difficult for a man than women. he knows what teenage boys are like....

she is his little princess and hates the fact that she is growing up and that some boy (s?) are doing things with her.

in the heat of the moment, he called her a slag. he was very angry/ disappointed and people sometimes say things they regret during emotional moments. i would speak to him to find out what is going on with him. i would also speak with my daughter about both the incident and what her dad said. i would then suggest they speak together and have some good father / daughter time so that they understand each other a bit better.

also i would ignore all the ltb types on here- they are very quick to suggest a massive life altering change based on a tiny amount of biased information. they dont have anywhere near the full picture. life is more nuanced than an anonymous paragraph on a message board.

but generally, yes, your kids should always be your first consideration over anyone else

AliceScarlett · 28/07/2015 11:50

My Dad did the same, my mum took his side, they threw me out at 15 and changed the locks. I've never forgiven my mum for that. Side with her.

User100 · 28/07/2015 12:01

He's being a massive sexist cunt, give him a slap, tell him if he needs support dealing with the fact that DD is growing up he needs to ask you for that but he needs to deal with it and stop being an arsehole. 14 is young but it's not outside of the bounds of fairly normal (certainly 1-2 years time would be very normal I'd guess). Calling his daughter a slag is just complete unacceptable. Threatening to go round and beat the boy up for what I assume was consensual behaviour between people of about the same age is ridiculous but at least shows he does care for DD, which is why my guess is that he's just struggling with the fact that she's growing up.

User100 · 28/07/2015 12:04

Apparently average age to have sex is 16 to to engage in non-sex sexual activity at 14 can't be outside of the realms of normal. www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/1phBvGyDZ0gTsht2HjJk7z3/virginity

Roomba · 28/07/2015 19:11

I lost my virginity at 13. I wouldn't choose to do things that way again if I had to repeat my terns, but I refuse to feel shame or guilt about any of the decisions I made as a teenager or since.

My life has not been adversely affected by me being (by my own admissjon) somewhat promiscuous from a young age. I have two first degrees, a masters degree, have held down high level responsible jobs and have two lovely well behaved children.

My mother called me a slag and made out like the world had ended when she found out I had had sex aged 17. She still brings it up occasionally, in a 'you may have done well for yourself but don't forget I know what you have really got up to in the past' way... God knows what she'd say if she knew the truth! I have never ever trusted her since and we are not close at all. This is what your DH risks with your DD.

He sounds awful, sulky and a misogynist. I would have left long ago.

drudgetrudy · 28/07/2015 19:23

I was 14 in the 1960s. My parents were almost as narrow-minded as they come. Even they wouldn't have gone on like your DH is doing. She didn't have full intercourse and confided in you right away. You thought you were doing right to discuss with her Dad but he has shown he is a dickhead.
I would have a chat with her and tell her that she has nothing to be ashamed of. If she thinks it was a mistake well we all make mistakes. I would say that you didn't realise how her Dad would react and you are now sorry you told him. On sexual matters I would never discuss what she tells you with him again. You also say that you, yourself were shocked. When she actually is ready to start a sexual relationship-say at 16+ will you be able to advise her re contraception etc or be someone she can talk to if she is upset about a relationship? I think you need to repair this asap or she will feel ashamed about sex and won't tell you anything again.

Scoobydoo8 · 28/07/2015 19:26

I don't get all this kick him out stuff.

He is the DDs father, he is entitled to see her on his own once left, unless she refuses to see him (thus feeling guilt) or he refuses to see her (his loss).

Is this what you want OP? He spends time with your DD alone , or perhaps she decides in the future to leave you and live with him?

Think this through.

limitedperiodonly · 28/07/2015 19:39

OP I've blipped through your thread but I noticed that you said your husband's parents were 49 when they had him.

That's no excuse.

My dad was 46 and my mum was 40 when they had me in 1964.

My dad was born in 1918 and my mum was born in 1923.

They were very liberal. He pushed a pram godammit

I hate the idea that fathers should defend their daughters' honour as an extension of their own and if my father was available for consultation today I am sure he would agree.

He wanted me to be safe but he also wanted me to be free.

I miss him.

StayWithMe · 28/07/2015 19:39

The 'slag' thing was cruel and unnecessary, but if he had calmed down and apologised, then the relationship could have been saved. However I would be furious if my DH treated any of my children in the manner in which he is treating your daughter now. He needs to get his head out of his arse and be told that HE is causing the problems in the family. You know, OP, that he's probably just waiting until your daughter turns sixteen then he will throw her out? Do you have younger children? If so, can you imagine what they're learning from the way their father is treating their sibling. They must be in fear of offending him in case he turns on them.

woowoo22 · 28/07/2015 19:41

Leave him. That is horrendous. Poor DD.

StayWithMe · 28/07/2015 19:42

Is this what you want OP? He spends time with your DD alone , or perhaps she decides in the future to leave you and live with him?

I think, considering he's treating her like shit, either scenario is highly unlikely.

minkGrundy · 28/07/2015 19:42

pound no being drunk does not make you automatically incapable of consent. The law comes into play if you are too drunk to consent. Lots of people have sex whilst drunk and do many other things whilst drunk which they are considered to have done deliberately and willingly. (Otherwise we'd be absolved of all responsibility when drunk).

However, I would still be concerned as to why she felt guilty. And as to why he thinks your DDs behaviour is so much his business and a personal affront to him. She is not his property.

I would suggest family therapy and/or making it clear you will leave if he does not stop it.

How does he behave towards you?

minkGrundy · 28/07/2015 19:44

limited your dad sounds lovely.

limitedperiodonly · 28/07/2015 19:46

having a teenage daughter is much more difficult for a man than women. he knows what teenage boys are like.... she is his little princess and hates the fact that she is growing up and that some boy (s?) are doing things with her. in the heat of the moment, he called her a slag

Oh fuck.

I've just talked about my father who was born almost 100 years ago.

He didn't have those views.

Are you serious?

Scoobydoo8 · 28/07/2015 19:47

I can't help feeling that many posters do not have or have had teenagers.

This is a minor misdemeanor imo and DF is being totally over the top. But she is 14 - she could do hell of a lot of other misdemeanours before she is finished.

The OP might hit the roof at her behavior in the future and then the DD might move in with her DF. Who knows what the future holds.

Teenage years can be a nightmare. If the DF refuses over the next few years to change his behavior towards DD then leave him but this is just one thing. Give it time to blow over.

Ragusa · 28/07/2015 19:59

Wow, there is a lot of apologising, minimising and normalising the father's behaviour on here. He has been a tit of the first order. And as for trying to frighten the OP with ideas the DD might gravitate toward the father... eh? Why would she gravitate toward someone who treats her with no respect??

limitedperiodonly · 28/07/2015 20:01

Thanks minkGrundy My dad died over 20 years ago and my mum nearly two.

I'd miss them just about every day if allowed myself to think about them. They were just about perfect

I hate the MN idea that we should be hard on our children. I read a recent thread about that.

I hope it's a fantasy.

I'd hate to think that we're doing this in reality.

Scoobydoo8 · 28/07/2015 20:04

Because she is 14 and she prob has another 30 years ahead of her to be bestest buddies with her DF should she choose. To fall out with her DM. To do all sorts of things in her life.

LTB doesn't mean never seeing him again. Or the DD never seeing him again. He has rights as a father.

She will see him on her own if they split - isn't that obvious?

Do you posters have a father - are you happy never to ever have contact with him again? Have you split with a parent? No?? Did you never have rows as teenagers? I agree he is being extreme but he is still her father.

woowoo22 · 28/07/2015 20:08

He loses his fecking entitlement to see her when he calls her awful names!

If I was the daughter I would not want anything to do with him.

Scoobydoo8 · 28/07/2015 20:12

No, if I was an angry 14 year old I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

But there are many years ahead, the OP leaving him means he will have access on his own with the DCs. So if leaving is to reduce contact with the DD it will prob fail in the long term.

That's the point I'm making.

WayneRooneysHair · 28/07/2015 20:13

Has a poster really suggested that the OP slap her DH?

woowoo22 · 28/07/2015 20:15

So she stays in a shitty marriage with a moody rude fucker just because he may see the DD on his own?

Bizarre reasoning.

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