To put my daughter before my husband?

[funnybones30]

My DD who is 14 got drunk a few months ago and engaged in sexual activity with a boy (not intercourse).

She told me about it as she felt guilty and was very upset. I told my husband who went crazy about it (to be expected) and called her all sorts of names, slag etc

Since then they don't appear to have much of a relationship. She says he doesn't like her. She will speak to him but he will be quite abrupt or ignore her. He loses his temper with her quite easily. He is quite moody anyway, well for the last three years or so.

He tells me she has no respect for anything or anyone. He says I spend too much time chauffeuring her about. I think she is being a normal teenager. She will snap on occasions plus have moods but she realises this and will apologise.

He doesn't think she should be out with her friends all the time even though it is the summer holidays and that she should stay in more.

He said to me he could easily kick her out if she was 16, he wouldn't though. I feel like I'm caught between our DD and husband.

I'm beginning to think maybe I should split with him and move out with our other child also. I'm really fed up with it and cant see any other way.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

What is there to forgive, though? Surely he realises that at 14 she's transitioning from being a child to a woman, and that she's going to experiment in a hundred different ways? Surely he was a teen once and did the exact same stupid shit she's going to do?

Making out that he can't forgive what she did is all part of the shaming thing. And it's wrong. There's no shame in exploring sexually, so long as she knows how to keep herself safe in every way. It's not his place to offer forgiveness, if he can't tell her this, you should.

She is transitioning from a child to an adult. She needs support and gentle guidance. Her 'dear' father sounds like an arsehole of the highest standing. I'd read him the bloody riot act.

I doubt very much that DH would have had this reaction if it was a 14 year old son who had received a drunken blow job at a party.

He called his own daughter a slag? Why is he still in the house?

Moody behaviour for three years?? Affair??

Is he really religious or something? I understand being upset that your baby is growing up, but this seems like a massive over reaction. Would he be the same if it was his 14 year old son?

He's an arse. She screwed up - that growing up for you, her dad is meant to be grown up - what's his excuse?

What your DH said is unforgivable but I am raising an eyebrow at the armchair psychologists who are posting.

He sounds vile.

Has he just been moody with her or the whole family the last 3 years?

No one should have to put up with being treated like this in their home. Especially a child who cannot escape.

Thankfully at the moment she trusts you enough to talk to you. If you stay then she may think you are condoning/agreeing with his view and she may cut you out of her life too given a chance.

Why should she respect him based on the last 3 years and his treatment to her now?

My dad was the same with me. He called me far worse than a slag on numerous occasions.

I really feel for your dd - I also felt that my dad didn't "like" me and now I'm 36 I still feel the same, though my dad died 10 years ago.

It's affected me quite badly and I've only realised that over the last few years.

He's potentially damaging her emotionally and that's going to be very hard to put right.

Back to the point though, no YADNBU.

He can't forgive her? Sorry did she borrow his vagina or use her own?
It's her body.
He sounds like a tosser.

So he can't forgive her for being a teenager, basically.

I could never forgive any person who treated my teenager DD the way he has treated your's. Mine will be 14 in a few weeks and if their father called either one a slag he would be out on his arse before he finíshed the word.

She needs you, she is a child making the dificulta transición into adult hood. He, on the other hand, is a fully fledged adult who can deal with the consiquences of his actions. Leave him To it.

YANBU. You will never look back on this and wish that you'd taken his 'side'. Hers, yes.

Anyman who called my DD a slag would be carrying his balls to the nearest divorce solicitor.

Pack his bags. Your DD is a normal teenager. Did he sit reading fucking classic literature with his parents when he was a teenager? No?

Can I just say, you obviously have a great relationship with your DD, if she was able to speak to you about that. Please don't let him ruin that.

What a horrible man. I find his comments absolutely vile. That's a sure fire way to make your teenager feel completely terrible about themselves. Yes, this would make me leave if I were you.

Tbh, I wouldn't have even told him. When my dd (also 14) speaks to me, I don't always tell her dad. There are some things he doesn't need to know. I like her to know that she can trust me.
Your dh sounds like a dick.

I have talked to him on many occasions about this situation and his attitude. He says I'm too soft and not strict enough.

I am very close with DD and am glad she confided in me. I regret telling husband now. It is mentioned on a regular basis. He said he is disappointed in what she did. She made a mistake and I asked him if she now has to pay for it for the rest of her life.

His own parents were quite old when they had him (49). They were quite old fashioned and he didn't really mix with other children where he grew up, I think he was quite a lonely child. He likes to repeat how he had respect for his parents and wouldn't have done anything like that at 14!

I had a terrible relationship with my own mother, we haven't had a relationship in about 15 years. I could never talk to her about anything. My DH says that because I didn't have a good childhood or mother, I am being too easy with DD. I don't think I am.

Forgive her for what exactly? I was maybe a year or so older than her when I started experimenting sexually. I certainly don't feel I did anything wrong. Your H sounds like he has some very warped ideas about women.

He sounds awful. Can I just ask you why you think it is to be expected that he went mental? Because it isn't, at all.

I loathe this sexist reactionary "protective father" shit. She made a mistake and needs some support, these things happen in your teens sadly. It's completely within the range of normal at 14.

Why did you break your daughters confidence in the 1st place.

If I was your daughter I wouldn't tell you anything again.

He can't "forgive" her? Shit ME. His attitude towards women is appalling. I would genuinely be having a massive, massive row with him and would explain that women control their own bodies and sexuality without any reference to male (or female) approval. If she regrets the things that happened, than it's wonderful that she can talk to you. If he can't change his attitude, then you would be totally reasonable to consider getting the fuck out of there. She'll thank you for it in the end. Dear me.

Your DH is wrong. You sound like an excellent, caring, understanding mother. He is the one who is being utterly and totally unreasonable.

Out the door. No hesitation. Your poor DD.

Have you tried to talk to him? Has he spoken like this before? Is it worth mediating?

This could really fuck up how she feels about her sexuality and potentially ruin sex for her for the rest of her life. She is being made to feel it is dirty and wrong and shameful.