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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my daughter before my husband?

158 replies

funnybones30 · 27/07/2015 21:38

My DD who is 14 got drunk a few months ago and engaged in sexual activity with a boy (not intercourse).

She told me about it as she felt guilty and was very upset. I told my husband who went crazy about it (to be expected) and called her all sorts of names, slag etc

Since then they don't appear to have much of a relationship. She says he doesn't like her. She will speak to him but he will be quite abrupt or ignore her. He loses his temper with her quite easily. He is quite moody anyway, well for the last three years or so.

He tells me she has no respect for anything or anyone. He says I spend too much time chauffeuring her about. I think she is being a normal teenager. She will snap on occasions plus have moods but she realises this and will apologise.

He doesn't think she should be out with her friends all the time even though it is the summer holidays and that she should stay in more.

He said to me he could easily kick her out if she was 16, he wouldn't though. I feel like I'm caught between our DD and husband.

I'm beginning to think maybe I should split with him and move out with our other child also. I'm really fed up with it and cant see any other way.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:
Bunnyjo · 27/07/2015 23:17

Your poor DD engaged in sexual activity (peer pressure, experimentation or just a normal teen?) and immediately regretted it to the point she felt guilty and distressed and confided in you. Then you, rightly or wrongly, confided in DH - her DF...

And he saw it fit to call her allsorts of names, including slag, and he continues to bear a grudge months later?! Fucking horrible. He sounds toxic to the point of abusive, OP Sad

Please stick up for your DD and put her first, as is natural - whether than means telling him his abusive behaviour stops NOW or kicking him out of the house is for you to decide.

If my DH said that to our DD, he would no longer be my H.

FeedYourselfSmiles · 27/07/2015 23:19

Your husband is a misogynistic arsehole, and a bad father.

PoundingTheStreets · 27/07/2015 23:20

It would worry me that the sort of man who thinks this of his underage daughter has other questionable attitudes about female sexuality - or for that matter, women in general.

If he was my DH he'd be out the door.

Your DD needs support. She was 14 and drunk. That means that she was actually raped.

Horrible, horrible man.

Original poster
funnybones30 · 27/07/2015 23:48

Thank you all very much for your advice.

Obviously I will be having a further conversation with husband and putting an end to this situation once and for all. DD and I cannot continue to live like this any more.

OP posts:
CrispyFern · 27/07/2015 23:49

Unless she beat someone to a bloody pulp with her tit then she has nothing to be forgiven for.
14 year olds, some of them, are going to try out different sex things, they're teenagers.

How could you let someone make her feel like a 'slag' in her own home for one more day?
A father so aggressively against a young teenage daughter's growing sexuality, it is going to fuck her mind up so badly!

Her dad is teaching her to feel shame. That's a terrible burden.

Things need to change and you have to make them change as soon as possible.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/07/2015 23:59

Interesting that so many posters think that it's awful that he called his daughter names (it was) are very free with their own name-calling.

If your daughter generally has a reasonable relationship with her father then he can apologise, genuinely and completely, and put this right. His shock doesn't trump her right not to be verbally abused and he needs to now that this must never happen again or he will lose her.

Obviously getting drunk at 14 and having sexual encounters isn't ideal and perhaps your daughter is regretful. If her school mates know of this it's likely to be common knowledge at school, as unfair as that is. A boy would never be talked about in the same way and I think your daughter may need both of your support to cope with that.

OP, on another point, I wouldn't tell you anything important again either, I don't know why you needed to talk about it with anybody but your daughter really. You say you have a good relationship with her, I hope that is still the case. She deserves an apology from you as well as from her dad. My mum used to talk to other people about whatever I told her. I don't tell her anything now and haven't for years.

Bunnyjo · 28/07/2015 00:04

I know I've already posted my opinion, but I wanted to give you my thoughts from your DD's POV.

I was your DD over 20 years ago. When I was 14/15 I engaged in a sexual act (not intercourse or oral) with someone when I wasn't ready - he didn't force me to, peer pressure did.

I felt utterly disgusted with myself and ashamed immediately afterwards; I cried for hours after going to bed. My mum came upstairs because she heard my distress and I told her everything.

She must have been shocked, maybe even disappointed? But she never showed it. She just held me close, got into bed with me and cuddled me to sleep - like I was a little girl again. It made everything more bearable.

If my DF had reacted the way your DH has, it would have destroyed me. Very few people/things could have made me feel worse than I already did, but rejection and castigation (abuse) from my parents absolutely would have.

Your DD is at a very sensitive age, please show her that her trust in you wasn't misplaced xx

Mermaidhair · 28/07/2015 00:04

My first concern is your dd engaging in a sex act at 14. How old was the boy(assuming it was a boy). I'm not sure the laws in your country but if he is older it could be illegal. Your poor dd must feel awful at the moment. Can you have a gentle talk with her about her feelings and maybe suggesting she wait until she is older for in the future. Maybe explain that it is better to do with someone you are in love with. Your dh was way out of line speaking to her like that. He must be feeling all sorts of emotions. I think you need to have a talk with him about how best to help your dd to work through what has happened. Please don't think I'm a prude, it is just obvious your dd is not ready just yet, especially because she felt so bad about it afterwards. After trying these things and maybe family counselling then I would definitely put my dd first and leave.

FlowersAndShit · 28/07/2015 00:10

Although your DH was wrong to call her a slag, at 14 she is still a child and could find herself in some vulnerable situations including teenage pregnancy.

Effic · 28/07/2015 00:46

OP you said you told your husband expecting support or at least a different reaction so this is not what you were expecting.....suggesting this is not a 'normal' reaction from him (grumpiness accepted). And his use of language here particularly the term 'slag' is extreme especially if he is from a conservative type background. I think you need to discuss that with him fairly forcefully, as in how severely abnormal it is for a father to EVER refer to his daughter in those terms, particularly repeadily, and ask him how that fits with his view on himself as a father? Like others on here, I also think the concept of him being unable to 'forgive' her seems to not really 'fit' what happened so can you try to make him explain that to you? What exactly does he mean 'forgive'? What does he feel he has to forgive? Is he feeling let down because he wouldn't have expected his daughter to drink? Be sexually active? To not be fully in control? And what exactly is triggering the 'let down' feeling? Presumably her mistakes that night aren't front page news so it can't be feeling 'let down' because of what others might say and as many other posters here have said, pretty much every teenager in the land has done what she's did without being labelled 'slags' so what is the issue here?
I really hope your daughter is ok and I'm sure with your support, she will get over what happened.

Btw - I'm not at all surprised that you told your husband and think you absolutely shouldn't beat yourself up about that especially as you said you expected help and support from him in talking it through. I'm fairly amazed that there are so many parents on here who apparently think it's fine for one parent to deliberately withhold a fairly significant piece of information about a child from the other parent or that is is ok to teach children that you can have a secret with one parent and exclude the other? Aren't parents (if there are two of you) supposed to equally and jointly raise their children? Pretty bloody hard if you keep secrets from each other I would have thought? Each to their own I guess but I'm not even with the father of my DS but would never in a million years keep such a piece of information that had so affected our child from him and I'd be devastated if he did from me. I also would never teach my son that he can be in cahoots with me against his dad or that we can have secrets from his dad.

MamaMotherMummy · 28/07/2015 00:57

Have you given him a stern talking to?

You're right, it can't go on like this. Either he shapes up and acts like a real parent or he's out. And I would tell him that if he talks to his daughter like that, he can expect to be estranged from her pretty soon because she does not deserve to be treated like that and won't put up with it. And that you would support her every step of the way.

RonaldosAbs · 28/07/2015 00:58

Poundingthestreets

"She was 14 and drunk. That means that she was actually raped."

No it absolutely does not. OP said he DD was drunk. Many teenagers and adults have encounters when they have had too much to drink, that is not intrinsically rape. If he was a much older guy taking advantage of a 14 year old and coercing and plying her with alcohol or she was blacked out or similar, maybe, but you don't know the exact dynamics. Don't throw words like that around lightly, it's really offensive.

MamaMotherMummy · 28/07/2015 01:00

I agree with everything Effic said.

DamnYank · 28/07/2015 01:26

Would he go to a family therapist with you? Maybe he would listen to a male therapist who could explain exactly how damaging his behavior is.

Agree with others that your dd must hear you stand up for her. She needs to see that you're disgusted with his behavior and in her corner.

NadiaWadia · 28/07/2015 01:44

Vile man. What kind of father is that to call his 14-year old child a 'slag'? I don't know if their father-daughter relationship is salvageable after that or not, but I would doubt it. I would be getting rid of him, personally, your children are more important.

WaggleBee · 28/07/2015 01:53

This is seriously damaging for your DD. She needs to see you stand up for her and make it clear that he is in the wrong.

A thousand times this. I could write an essay on the damage a father like this can do but it'd bring too much back. Having you make it crystal clear to her that he is very wrong and his behaviour is unacceptable and you are fully on her side will really help her. I honestly felt sick reading your op. Poor girl. Sad

Athenaviolet · 28/07/2015 01:57

Your dh is being verbally and psychologically abusive to your dd.

Why are you allowing her to stay in this abusive environment. It is your job to protect her.

She needs a home safe from abuse. Take the DCs and leave.

Was dd too drunk to consent?
How old was the boy?
She has done nothing to be ashamed of. You need to ascertainif she has been a victim of a crime though.

Yampots · 28/07/2015 02:24

God I wish MN had been around when I was 14 and my DM had been on here.

Don't underestimate how damaging this behaviour is Funny. I'm mid 30's and it still effects me. It's abuse.

Even the threatening to throw her out will make her feel insecure and unloved as well as thinking it's all her own fault. Horrible feeling.

Never ever said it before as it's used far too much, but seriously consider LTB. He won't stop or change. You know it. Don't let him damage her.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2015 02:40

How positively Victorian! "Go fallen woman child, do not darken my doorstep again!". Your DH needs to come into the 21st century. His reaction was over the top and harmful to a very vulnerable and probably frightened 14 year old girl.

If I were you I'd tell him flat out to straighten up and start acting like a father and not some outraged vicar! I'd also tell him that the subject is CLOSED with DD and that if he raises or refers to it again that you will pack his bag for him. A young girl at that age is learning about how a man should treat a woman. And her father is teaching her that she should accept being insulted and made to feel like a bad person for making an admittedly large error in judgement by the most important man currently in her life. If he can't accept that and act accordingly, then you should kick him out.

Topseyt · 28/07/2015 02:40

I would certainly be telling him that neither I nor my DDs would ever confide anything in him again.

I get that you thought hoped he might be supportive, so don't beat yourself up about it. Tell your DD that you misjudged him, and that that will never happen again.

Tell your DH too that it will never happen again, because you have realised that he simply cannot be trusted to act sensitively.

He is showing all the subtlety of a bulldozer, to be honest.

QueenofallIsee · 28/07/2015 10:29

I hate this kind of thing between men and their daughters, it raises massive red flags with me as I am from an abusive environment. My own father behaved like this, withdrawn, increasingly irritable, drinking when I hit puberty and it really was as simple as he was interested in younger girls and was conflicted by my changing body. This smacks of a man who has very odd ideas about women and i would find it very worrying indeed.

PoundingTheStreets · 28/07/2015 10:55

In the eyes of the law, drunk = incapable of giving consent. Saying it is rape is not a moral judgement it's a legal one RonaldosAbs.

Does that mean I think the daughter should report it to police or that the boy concerned is a menace to females in general? No, it does not. I think they've both been very foolish. What it does highlight though is how important it is for boys to be brought up to say no to drunken sex opportunities with new partners (especially those under age). And my main point here is that the DD is a victim.

MNpostingbot · 28/07/2015 11:07

Put your child first. My father did over my stepmother, my mother, less so, over my stepfather. 20 years on ive not forgotten.

queentroutoftroutss · 28/07/2015 11:17

Why did you even tell him? If I had been her and I had trusted my mum enough to confide in her in confidence then I would feel deeply betrayed that you had shared it with my father. The drinking yes, the sexual activity, no. He shouldn't be acting the way he is, it is disgusting but ultimately you have contributed to this problem and now you are going to have to make a decision because it is unfair on your dd.

IrianofWay · 28/07/2015 11:17

What effic said.