The secret family... advice pls

[Keletubbie]

My ex and I split shortly before I got pregnant.

FF almost 8 years and we have a great DD who lives with me. She sees plenty of her dad, usually a few times a week. They're off on their jollies together in a couple of weeks. We co-parent very effectively - she's a very happy little girl.

But he has a wife. They've just had a child. And the wife has said in no uncertain terms that she wants their new baby to have nothing to do with our DD or me. My DD has no idea that the wife or baby exist. She has never been to her father's house.

WWYD?

Hi opi,m coming from the other side of the story dh had a dd when we met his ex made it very difficult for him to see her let alone me [she was four at the time] when our boys came along dh would see his dd but was not allowed to introduce her brothers to her , we always told the boys they had a sister and sent birthday ,xmas cards from them to her eventually dh ,dd mother came around a bit and the boys were eventually allowed to meet their sister they have a relationship of sorts with her. i have still never met her thats her choice she would have always been very welcome in my house and been part of the family but at least all the children know each other.Your daughter needs to know the truth its not fair on her not to.

It would be much easier for her to find out now than later.

My brother didn't know I existed until he was 25. He lived overseas and I in Britain. I always assumed that he just wasn't interested and was really hurt when I discovered he just hadn't been told.

I can't really forgive my father for denying my brother and I the relationship we should have had.

I don't know how you will do it, but you need to make your DD's father see how much emotional damage this could cause, to all involved, in the future.

OP you are your DDs constant and you must be her advocate.
Sit down asap with DD and your ex together and tell her about the wife and baby. Let her ask questions as much as she wants. Don't big up the 'new sister' side of it as the DSM has to be on board with that to work it out. Emphasis on he is her dad and always will be and new baby wont mean he sees less of her. (He needs to agree with you and DSM that it won't)

Then sit down with your ex alone (ask the DSM to come along for this meeting about your DD's welfare and tell her why - but am assuming she won't) and read him the fucking riot act about allowing his prioritisation of his own comfy home life and his dysfunctional adult relationship with his wife to dictate your daughters happiness.

DSM feels insecure because she's had a kid with a man with his history? Tough- this is your powerless child you are speaking up for. Don't let her relationship with her father slide in favour of him keeping the peace with his wife.

He has two kids now and your ex and his wife need to manage their own adult feeling about that and prioritise both childrens happiness.

Keep your friendship with your Ex (however forced it might feel in future) that line of amicable communication will be a massive resource for your DD who will face a lot of pain with a DSM who wants to write her out of the history and a DF who seems he may be happy to go along with it right now. If he is a shit DF your DD will work that out in his own time- you don't need to tell her or be hostile about him.

I wrote and lost a massive post just now explaining my reasoning behind all this which explains how utterly shit my family situation has been (I was in your DD's situation). If she is anything like me she just wants contact with both her parents and you need to do every thing possible to underline that to her DF.

I would be amazed if at age 7 she is not already worrying and wondering why she hadn't been to her Dads house (so what if it's with the in laws- they should not be colluding in excluding their step grandchild either).
Your DD may already be worrying in silence and not wanting to ask more about his life for fear of hurting you or him. She may not want to rock the boat for fear of her DF disappearing back to wherever it is she thinks he mysteriously visits from.

Do not ignore this messed up situation if it is not hurting her now it surely will in years to come. I'm in my 40s now and my dad has messed up all his kids with his selfish behaviour. My mum did nothing to stop it because she hated him. Don't be us. Good luck!

To answer your question, no you're definitely not BU in feeling very uncomfortable in being asked to keep that secret from DD

You should tell your child because when she does eventually find out, you will have to deal with her feelings about the situation. Your ex needs to grow a set too.

I definitely agree your DDs has to know, and has a right to know, that she has a half sibling(s if there are more to come). Tell her father that she needs to know, that he has to tell her or you will. Give him a timeline to sort this by. The sooner the better.

You should have told her years ago though, so she had time to get used to the idea her father had another life. But better now than any later. I am quite amazed and slightly sceptical that by the age of 8, she has never questioned where Daddy is the rest of the time.

Something everyone is different but in my personal experience as a kid in OP's DD's shoes, of course you wonder what goes on in the other family or why your parent seems to minimise your needs in response to what their other family wants but equally you don't want to ask, voice an opinion or rock the boat for fear of causing upset or loss of contact. It was a horribly insecure position to be in although presented as normal so you just had to make the best of it.

So it doesn't seem to me inconsistent that OP's DD has never said anything about this to her mum. (Doesn't mean that OP's DD might not be worried or curious).

IME It is really shit when the adults around don't acknowledge that their choices and arrangements are hard for the child, so I hope OP and her DD's DF will do that- start talking now about it and keeping on talking about it.

I'd follow Binit's suggestions.

One of my parents wasn't aware of all her family - cousins in this case due to family feud - she found out at school when one informed her and she went home and complained about the lies this person was telling only to be told it was true but stay away. It really messed with their heads even into adulthood.

You don't want to be part of a lie OP.