Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The secret family... advice pls

135 replies

Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 14:32

My ex and I split shortly before I got pregnant.

FF almost 8 years and we have a great DD who lives with me. She sees plenty of her dad, usually a few times a week. They're off on their jollies together in a couple of weeks. We co-parent very effectively - she's a very happy little girl.

But he has a wife. They've just had a child. And the wife has said in no uncertain terms that she wants their new baby to have nothing to do with our DD or me. My DD has no idea that the wife or baby exist. She has never been to her father's house.

WWYD?

OP posts:
OldBeanbagz · 27/07/2015 15:02

This is your ex's mess to sort out but i would tell him that his daughter has a right to know that she has a half-sibling.

Backforthis · 27/07/2015 15:04

Get a DNA test. Then she can't say he's not the father. Beyond that, you can't make her stop being an arse.

FineDamBeaver · 27/07/2015 15:04

I completely agree with those saying that you can make the decision to tell your DD. Sure, the new wife and your ex can keep their and your DDs apart if they really want to - that's their decision I suppose. But they cannot dictate what you do and don't tell your DD, and if she finds out from other sources this could harm your relationship with your DD. You could warn your ex that you were going to tell her, and that you were also going to tell her that you have no problem with her seeing her half sister. This then makes it 100% clear that it's down to your ex to sort out the rest.

reni1 · 27/07/2015 15:13

I would say either he will tell her she has a sister or you will. It is up to him to tell her why she can't have a relationship with her sister. I would not lie for him. If they meet is up to him for at least a few years.

whemovedmypopcorn · 27/07/2015 15:15

I'd tell my daughter about the wife and child. I'd also withhold contact from your ex until he sorts his life out. He can tell a judge that he plans on keeping everyone secret from each other though you live 15 minutes apart. Your daughter is not a dirty little secret he can keep. He needs to standup for your dd and not be so pathetic.

whemovedmypopcorn · 27/07/2015 15:16

Also he is not a good father if he would be with someone who won't meet his child. He's a shit father.

ThisNameIsBetterThanMyRealOne · 27/07/2015 15:20

Also he is not a good father if he would be with someone who won't meet his child. He's a shit father.

This^^

ollieplimsoles · 27/07/2015 15:25

Oh your poor dd, her dad keeping her a secret from her own sister. This will not go well in the future for him.

Any particular reason his wife is this way, were you an ow or something? (sorry if this has already been answered)

ButterDish · 27/07/2015 15:27

I agree with some others, OP. This can't by definition be all about your ex's new wife, and there is often a tendency I notice in RL and on Mn to blame the husband/wife/partner for your ex's/brother's/sister's/best friend's behaviour. Because it allows you to distance yiurself from the fact that your friend/ex/sibling is behaving appallingly. She doesn't sound like a pleasant person, but your DD's father is ok with marrying and having a child with someone who denies his daughter's existence, parentage, and who wants her deleted from their lives. That is his decision, not hers.

Original poster
Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 15:35

He's not whiter than white, but in all other respects he is a good father. He just doesn't seem to want to confront the issue.

And I should have done this sooner, but as I say, we were getting on fine without doing so.

OP posts:
grubbybrat · 27/07/2015 15:39

Also, if you live in that small an area, they're likely to end up at the same school, aren't they? And the parents of all the other kids will know (if it's anything like the small town I grew up in) and eventually the kids will, too: it's not the 1950s, when these things were only spoken of in a whisper and when there were no kids around.

And what if they go on to have a son? Even given the age difference, it's not beyond the bounds of possibility that your daughter and her half brother could end up seeing each other as potential sexual partners.

Corygal · 27/07/2015 15:42

Am I the only person who thinks it's possible the wife doesn't have a clue the DD exists? How often does your ex come round - could he be hiding DD from his wife?

carabos · 27/07/2015 15:45

I have been in this situation, or close to it. XH remarried, parachuted out of DS' life. He had a DD with new wife and kept the fact of his first marriage and other child from the new DD for years. She was eventually (in her late teens) told by her grandparents, against his wishes, because his DM wanted to have a party for her 80th birthday with all her DGCs there.

They were introduced at the party, the girl said nothing more than "hello" and his father ignored him Hmm. Luckily by this point DS was into his 20s so was able to be adult about it. He's getting married next year and he certainly won't be inviting his secret sister or his father and stepmother.

It's outrageous the way some people behave - how can you deny your own child. It makes me feel sick just thinking about the way XH has behaved. Like the OP, we live within 10 min drive of them, so he can't use distance as an excuse.

CarrotVan · 27/07/2015 15:51

Cory - the OP says the wife tells people that the daughter can't be the OP's ex's child so it would seem she's well aware of the existence of the daughter

AngieBolen · 27/07/2015 15:56

You need to tell your DD now.

Yes, she will want to see the baby, but you'll need to explain she can't. She will accept it if you tell her it's beyond your control.

The longer you leave it the worse it will be. If she finds out in five years time, it will be you she's angry with for keeping it from her.

Let your ex know you are telling her, though as she will bring it up with him.

QuestioningStuff · 27/07/2015 16:01

This is just crazy. Are you able to sit your ex down and explain to him the serious consequences this could have for your DD? It will come out eventually, these things always do. Better now than later when she will be more likely to understand that her 'father' tried to keep her as some kind of dirty little secret and didn't stand up to his new wife for her.

This is just ridiculous and you need to protect your DD from this situation. It doesn't matter how many bedtimes he does or stories he reads, this makes him a really shitty parent.

NickiFury · 27/07/2015 16:04

I absolutely would not be party to lying to my child over this. I would tell her, without making it a big deal and tell her father to pull his finger out and talk to his child about his other child.

RedDaisyRed · 27/07/2015 16:11

I would tell her today in a matter or fact way. Exciting news - you have a half sister and I will ask your father to show us a photo.

2rebecca · 27/07/2015 16:33

I would tell her.
She is going to find out eventually.
She either grows up knowing her father has another family (I would have kept no secrets from her and told her when her father married) or she grows up knowing nothing of his other family until as an adolescent/ young adult she discovers the truth and hates both her parents for not being straight with her.
Saying his personal life is his business and it's up to him to tell her is a cop out.
You are the main parent. Tell her the truth.
"Your daddy is married to a woman called x and they are going to have a baby". Don't talk about sisters. Yes she's a half sister but that doesn't mean much if they aren't going to meet for several years. I'd explain that she will have the same dad as this other girl but that you aren't friends with daddy's new wife and she might not see the baby just like she hasn't seen the woman daddy lives with.

2rebecca · 27/07/2015 16:35

Just seen they have had the baby, thought she was still pregnant. I wouldn't build up hopes of photos and sisters as it may not happen. It isn't that exciting if she never sees her, it's just someone she shares some genetic material with.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/07/2015 16:47

I'd be furious if my ex did this to our DD. I wont be part of any lie that effects my DD, it would make me as bad as my ex.

I think your ex needs to pick his balls out of his wife's handbag and she needs to grow up.

Your DD will eventually start wondering why she never goes to daddy's house. She'll found out somehow.

queenrollo · 27/07/2015 16:49

I agree with the others who say your DD needs to know about her sister, though you need to handle it carefully.

I had a massive secret kept from me as a child and when I found out in my teens it caused irreparable damage between me and my parents.
Much more similar to your situation though, one of my close friends kept the existence of siblings from her DD and when she eventually found out it was awful to see the fall out. I had this teenager turn to me (i was the only one of her mums friends who'd been around long enough to know everyone involved) and had to try and help her deal with her emotions.
I told my friend all along it was a bad idea not to tell her.

You need to have a serious chat with your ex about this, it really should come from him - but if he won't then you need to keep your child's trust in you by telling her yourself. And then support her through what will be difficult emotions.

dixiechick1975 · 27/07/2015 16:51

Collude is definitely the word here. I wouldn't collude at all. It is a shame you have so far so dd hadn't had chance to get used to things eg daddy is getting married, daddy is having another baby , the baby has been born. I'd tell ex you are going to tell dd then tell dd asap her dad has a wife and a baby half sister.

BestZebbie · 27/07/2015 16:55

His wife will never be able to keep that pretence up with their new child because the child will notice that Daddy goes off to see your daughter twice a week pretty early on.....unless her actual plan to to stop that too.

NerrSnerr · 27/07/2015 16:55

How does he do his fair share of parenting if he never takes her to his house? Does he pay maintenance?

I wouldn't keep this secret from my child, and if he was a good dad he wouldn't be in this situation.