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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The secret family... advice pls

135 replies

Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 14:32

My ex and I split shortly before I got pregnant.

FF almost 8 years and we have a great DD who lives with me. She sees plenty of her dad, usually a few times a week. They're off on their jollies together in a couple of weeks. We co-parent very effectively - she's a very happy little girl.

But he has a wife. They've just had a child. And the wife has said in no uncertain terms that she wants their new baby to have nothing to do with our DD or me. My DD has no idea that the wife or baby exist. She has never been to her father's house.

WWYD?

OP posts:
DaftVader36 · 27/07/2015 19:07

My uncle kept his fling and love-child a secret. The OW confessed it all after about 25 years. It's all very odd. I feel desperately sad for his wife. I can't stand the man. And the child has a relationship with him, which I just think is so weird, so we'd never get on. I think his dad is a prize .

whemovedmypopcorn · 27/07/2015 19:07

How does she know you had flings?

Also if that is the case, why would she prefer he still go to your house rather than pick up dd herself and bring her to their house? Confused

AyeAmarok · 27/07/2015 19:12

OP you really need to think about how this is going to play out long term.

You need to speak to him, he needs to sort this out.

AyeAmarok · 27/07/2015 19:12

OP you really need to think about how this is going to play out long term.

You need to speak to him, he needs to sort this out.

MrsNeilGaiman · 27/07/2015 19:27

Secret sister here; she is older than me. This is one of those secrets that becomes bigger and bigger and eventually spawns lots of little lies and little things that don't make sense and make kids insecure and worried.

Just tell her. Soon. Tell ex that you will be telling her and when so he can prep for the fallout.

Original poster
Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 19:28

I will not be cutting off his access to his daughter, simply because I don't believe that the two of us getting along and him seeing her regularly are bad things. We're friends, which I see as a good thing!

OP posts:
JillBYeats · 27/07/2015 19:38

This is for your ex to sort out. Make it possible for him to have a relationship with your daughter but don't get too involved in his marital intrigue

I agree with this one but my children have an older sibling who they do not know about. I feel that they should but that it is dh's business to deal with. He will pass the buck endlessly and they will never know about their sister at this rate. In your case, it is your DD's fathers job to break the news but don't get too invested in how he runs his marriage - it doesn't sound too healthy - but encourage him to explain to his DD and how it'll work out once the baby arrives as his wife might well expect him to do their baby's bedtime too and if they clash and if he's still in ostrich mode he will go with the easier option (not your DD).

dreamoutloud · 27/07/2015 19:42

You cannot let this woman dictate what you tell your child.

sadwidow28 · 27/07/2015 19:46

Keletubbie Well what a prize you are!

You had a fling with your ex when he was in a relationship and you became pregnant.

Your ex has been visiting your home twice a week for 8 years to see the DD that results from that fling. The new wife doesn't like the private 'happy family' time that you and your ex have established because that has always excluded her whilst you were the 'mother of his child'.

But now the DW has equal status - she is now also 'the mother of his child' and has set her own rules.

So you are now on Mumsnet saying that YOUR DD would like nothing better than to have a sibling (and you aren't going to have any more DC). So you are still trying to control aren't you? You want MN to tell you that you have every right to DEMAND that DD has a relationship with her sibling.

The sibling has nothing to do with you. Any relationship with her sibling is between DD, her DF and his DW. So stop trying to control everything and take a step back. You have kept your own DD out of her DSMs life for 8 years. You haven't allowed your ex's DW to grow into a step-parent role. But now you want her to realise that she is the mother of your DD's sibling and allow access to her newborn?

YABU

Anon4Now2015 · 27/07/2015 19:48

Do your ex's parents (or any other member of his family, or his friends) see your DD? In fact do they know about her? If not then it isn't that the new wife and the new baby are the secret.... it's that your DD is the secret. And if that's the case, then no matter what else he does for your DD he is NOT a good father. If that's the case then he is treating her like something to be ashamed of and something that isn't really welcome in his life, and that WILL affect her when she's older. To be honest it's bordering on abusive and as much as he may be good for a bedtime story you really do need to consider stopping their contact if he isn't going to stop treating her in such a deplorable way.

If your ex's family and friends know about your DD and see her then the wife is nuts to think your DD will stay a secret for very long and he needs to grow a pair and stand up to her and stand up for his child.

To put it another way, OP if you met someone who was a wonderful partner to you and got on well with your DD but insisted she was a secret and that you had to pretend to his family and friends that she didn't exist, would you do it? Of course you wouldn't (or at least I hope you wouldn't) because you love your DD and it would be damaging for her. So what makes it different when it's her dad doing this rather than her mum?

Binit · 27/07/2015 20:12

Ok bit of a mess but salvageable.

I have a dd the same age. Now is the time to be honest with her along the lines of:

  1. Mummy and daddy both love you very very much and always will
  2. Mummy and daddy decided they didn't want to live together as a couple any more so that's why daddy doesn't sleep here.
  3. When grown ups decide not to live together any more, they can find a new husband/wife if they want and daddy has now found a new wife. He still loves you, you will always be his daughter, regardless of which lady he is living with.
  4. daddy and his wife (give the name of the wife) had a baby and the baby is called [babys name]. This is your half sister. She's your half sister because you have the same daddy but different mummys. Her mummy is daddy's wife, name.
  5. I am not sure if you might see (baby half sister) in the supermarket or round town but we cannot arrange to visit their house as mummy and new wife are unfortunately not friends. Sometimes grown ups don't get on.
  6. it will be up to daddy to decide if/when you and baby half sister meet.

Don't lie to your dd and tell her now when you can smooth things over rather than when she is a stroppy teen.

I have to be honest and say that it sounds like you want this man and to be a family with him. He is married and you need to explain it all to your dd.

MammaTJ · 27/07/2015 20:13

I think the wife has missed a trick or two here. If I was her, I would have made sure your DD was visiting at our house, meeting me, being involved in our family life.

I would not have my husband going off and spending time with a woman he had had flings with in the past, even if it was to spend time with their daughter.

Obviously, as others have said, this will not remain a secret for long. Your DD will find out and you need to take steps to ensure she does not blame you as well as her spineless excuse for a father!

2rebecca · 27/07/2015 20:24

I agree that the extended family aspect seems odd. I can understand maybe his parents and sibs don't know if he never saw your daughter, but if he's there all evening several times a week then I'd have thought they'd all know of your daughter's existence so keeping his other daughter in ignorance wouldn't work.
Also agree his wife's behaviour in encouraging her husband to come to your house rather than having your daughter visit them like a normal step-family seems odd.
I'm not sure what any of you are getting out of the current arrangement.

swallowed · 27/07/2015 20:33

God this is ridiculous!

And to the posts saying butt out its none of your business - seriously??

If this was my dd's dad I'd be giving some ultimatums. Finding out your dd has a secret sister could be very traumatic for her later on, never mind finding out that both her parents colluded to lie to her.

No way, absolutely no chance would I potentially damage my relationship with my child to provide a cover story for this nonsense.

I would either tell her dad he's got two weeks to tell her, or I'd be telling her myself

Or if I thought that might hurt her or cause more trouble I would tell him than unless he tells her within the two weeks I would stop contact. I would stop contact because being part of this lie is damaging for her.

Do not lie for him. Under no circumstances.

Writerwannabe83 · 27/07/2015 20:39

Do you still have feelings for your ex OP?

You seem to be oddly 'ok' with this situation when it's clearly really, really not. It's absolutely bizarre.

Why on absolute earth would you have facilitated this for 8 years and be happy to continue to do so even though it means lying to your daughter in such an extreme way. I really don't get it.

You come across as though you care more for your ex than you do for your daughter. She should be your priority, not allowing this absolute nonsense to continue to stay in your ex's good books.

I'm absolutely baffled as to why you are so blasé about all this and why you haven't cared over the lady 8 years how your daughter has been treated by the new wife and so effectively by her dad too.

I find it all very, very strange.

swallowed · 27/07/2015 20:42

I'm wondering if the OP has been the ow all the way along to be honest.

Your daughter is the dirty little secret here I think. Which is just awful for her.

From your subsequent posts I'm wondering about your motivation here. It's all very well and good wanting your dd and your ex to get on but what you are contemplating here isn't right and will come out in the end and damage your child.

dixiechick1975 · 27/07/2015 20:52

A DNA test isn't a complete waste of money if it stops all the stupidity. You were not in a stable relationship at time of conception. A quick google suggests the cost is £250 for all 3 of you to be tested.

ravenAK · 27/07/2015 20:54

I have a 20 something colleague who recently discovered that her DF had several other dc.

Her parents divorced, amicably enough, when she was small, & are still business partners & good friends. Her DF runs the abroad bit of the business & has had, it turns out, two long term relationships & 3 more dc.

For some reason, both of colleague's parents agreed years ago that this was best not disclosed to her, & she only found out when one of her teenage half-siblings sent her a friend request on Facebook.

It's really, really caused her genuine distress & damaged her relationship with both parents - not so much the existence of the siblings (no reason her dad shouldn't have subsequent relationships & children after he & her mum divorced!) but the secrecy & the idea that her parents colluded to deceive her.

Plus the fact that she's a woman in her 20s being treated like a little girl - which is obviously not what her parents originally intended, but has been the outcome since they never quite found the moment to tell her.

You really need to tell her father that you're going to tell her rather than leave this timebomb ticking. Up to him to manage how that plays out with his dw.

RandomMess · 27/07/2015 21:00

Far better to tell you DD and let you and her Dad deal with the upset and fall out of her not being allowed to see her sister than keep it a secret.

reni1 · 27/07/2015 21:00

Swallowed, the op was the ow here, she said in an earlier post "our flings happened while they were together but not married". So it is pretty clear where the wife's resentment comes from. I can understand why she wasn't so keen on a stepmother role.

That has nothing t do with op's dd though, she needs to know about the other baby, but I cannot see family relations grow from this and as a teenager she will work out why this is the case, just as soon as she learns when dad and his wife got together and how long a pregnancy lasts.

swallowed · 27/07/2015 21:04

Awful I can't imagine how that must feel to be the result of a secret little affair.

I don't see any other way forward than coming clean. Why don't people realise that the unquestioning baby affected will at some stage become a child or adult with a right to know?

What a mess.

No wonder the wife doesn't want anything to do with either of them.

Honestly I think if it was me I'd move away. Well away, and I'd ask the dad not to see her anymore if he couldn't tell her the truth in a sensitive way. I would not under any circumstances risk running into either the girl or her mother in the supermarket.

Original poster
Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 21:05

To correct sadwidow82...

I fell pregnant after my ex and I split up. I was an accident, but we were both single at the time. I wasn't the other woman... we had been together since high school!

I don't want to control anyone. I've been ok with the arrangement up to now because it worked for us when DD was smaller. We do genuinely enjoy spending time with our daughter together.

I don't want my daughter to get hurt I guess. I'm tough as old boots.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 27/07/2015 21:09

That's one hell of a prize winning drip feed! Confused
You can't bitch about his wife phoning the minute bedtime is done. Makes her sound unreasonable until you tell us that you've fucked her husband (then boyfriend) through several flings behind her back!!!

If I hadn't packed his bags, I'd certainly be calling the second he was alone with the (I would think bitch) who slept with him. Though as I say, I like to think I'd have long since got rid of him.

You have to tell your daughter, she has to be able to trust you, always.

Even if her stepmother can't trust you, with good reason Hmm

swallowed · 27/07/2015 21:11

Alright look, your first duty is to your daughter, not your ex.

If you lie to her you will be found out. And then she'll never trust you again.

Why would you want that to happen?

Hassled · 27/07/2015 21:14

It is a really good thing that you're friends with your Ex. I'm good friends with mine - it's made the raising of our shared children one hell of a lot easier and even now we're both remarried and those shared children are adults we're still very much involved in each others' lives. He's a good friend. It is possible to have that.

But I don't think you're stopping to see this from the wife's point of view. To her, you're a threat and therefore your DD is a threat. Your DD's existence is a constant reminder of your existence, and the fact he was unfaithful with you. I hope for your DD's sake that she softens and relents, but that will only come when she feels she can completely trust her husband, and she's clearly not there yet. Give it time, but you're in no position to be making demands.