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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The secret family... advice pls

135 replies

Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 14:32

My ex and I split shortly before I got pregnant.

FF almost 8 years and we have a great DD who lives with me. She sees plenty of her dad, usually a few times a week. They're off on their jollies together in a couple of weeks. We co-parent very effectively - she's a very happy little girl.

But he has a wife. They've just had a child. And the wife has said in no uncertain terms that she wants their new baby to have nothing to do with our DD or me. My DD has no idea that the wife or baby exist. She has never been to her father's house.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 21:15

I didn't intend to drip feed. He and I are done and dusted, just not mortal enemies.

My daughter is not a secret. Not many people were thrilled about her arrival but it was never a secret. She's not close to his family but they're not a particularly close family anyway.

Yes he cheated on her. But I can't be held responsible for that!

OP posts:
swallowed · 27/07/2015 21:17

Well yes you can actually seeing as it was you that fucked him.

However, that all seems rather irrelevant now. The point is what you're going to do about this particular problem.

LineRunner · 27/07/2015 21:21

When his wife first met him, he told her all about you and his DD?

Hassled · 27/07/2015 21:23

Of course the wife is going to blame you - it's a damn sight easier for her to blame you than blame her husband. And you were both to blame. This really can't be easy for her - I get that you don't like her, but she's a new mother with a dodgy husband and the "other woman" very much still around - life must be tough for her. Cut her a shitload of slack and don't go forcing any issues just yet.

CassieBearRawr · 27/07/2015 21:23

"We do genuinely enjoy spending time with our daughter together."

Seems like it's because it's a bit of a pretend happy families for a couple of nights a week. No reason you have to live in each others pockets, it's odd she's not a fully integrated part of her father's life. Can't see this set up continuing as she gets older either, so best to solve the problem before it actually becomes one.

Original poster
Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 21:25

To clarify, she knew all about me and DD before they got together. I was not the OW.

I'm not bitching about her calling and checking in - he doesn't answer or use it as an excuse, so it's of no consequence to me. I don't make a habit of sleeping with other people's partners, and don't give two hoots what she thinks of me.

My concern is for DD first and foremost.

OP posts:
swallowed · 27/07/2015 21:26

Putting myself in the wife's shoes, if he cheated with you more than once, and goes round to yours a couple of night s a week to play happy families.... Well I'd be a gibbering wreck and probably hate your guts.

Stop rubbing this in her face. Sort it out.

swallowed · 27/07/2015 21:27

She rings and he ignores? Fucking hell i'm amazed she hasn't banned him from leaving the house!

You're starting to sound like you get a kick from this.

Hassled · 27/07/2015 21:29

You were the OW when you had your flings - "our flings happened while they were together but not married." In her head, you were/are the OW.

I do understand your concerns re your DD but you have to give it time - what she doesn't know now won't hurt her. If in a few year's time there is still this wall of silence, maybe then you should tackle it. Being deprived of knowledge of a half-sibling at her age isn't really a deprivation.

Original poster
Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 21:29

Possibly worth noting that when DD was a baby, he lived in a shared house with a bunch of lads about 20 miles away, so was unable to really take a BF baby very far. He's currently in his in law's spare room, so it's not like he can take her overnight or anything. It's a mess, but we do our best.

OP posts:
BrockAuLit · 27/07/2015 21:29

You are playing incredibly fast and loose with your DD's emotions and security. It's incredible. You won't deal with the mess the two of you have created for your little child because you're friends and because it's easy the way it is? FFS. Grow up and start behaving like adults. You owe it to your DD.

Getthewonderwebout · 27/07/2015 21:30

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your ex. It is possible to do this and it's shame so many people can't get past the anger as it really benefits the children of the relationship. Your ex's wife is behaving like a child. She needs to get over herself and deal with the trust issues she has.

swallowed · 27/07/2015 21:32

Hassled the point isn't that she's somehow missing out on a sibling relationship as it doesn't sound like the wife will allow that anyway.

Telling her asap is the right thing to do because it means she can't turn around in 5/10/15 years time and say "you lied".

That is so damaging.

Cabrinha · 27/07/2015 21:35

How is she supposed to get over her trust issues when her husband has form for multiple flings with the OP and ignores her calls when she's there?!

I know it's not what the thread is about, but can you imagine the AIBU from her point of view?! She'd be told her husband is almost certainly still fucking the OP or will again in future. Why not? He's got the morals of an alley cat, and she (the OP) takes no responsibility for it and minimises it because they weren't married, denies even being an "OW" Hmm

LineRunner · 27/07/2015 21:36

Does his wife know he cheated on her with you?

And I can't quite work out who is passing all the information back and forth.

Cabrinha · 27/07/2015 21:37

The wife is wrong, of course, to want to keep her baby a secret from her half sister.

But that still doesn't mean I'm not sympathetic to the mental state she might be in with her husband regularly going out of contact with the woman he previously had affairs with.

Original poster
Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 21:48

I'm not trying to justify my behaviour... there have been plenty of times that I know of that he hasn't done right by his wife. But I'm not responsible for him. If she thinks he's being a cock womble, that's between them.

I asked initially because I wanted to know if I was BU about not being comfortable with the idea of DD not having a relationship with her half sibling. The baby in question is not very old, so it's all a bit new. But equally... DD is not stupid. If you introduce her to a 2 yr old, she'll know she wasn't born yesterday.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 27/07/2015 21:51

So you seem to accept that your DD should know the truth. Given that her dad isn't going to spill the beans any time soo, are you going to do it now, and soon?

You are your DDs parent. It is your responsibility to make this as open and fair as you possibly can do. That means honesty with your child, and whilst she is still at an age where she will accept it without too many problems.

Consider getting a DNA test. I understand that your and your ex are happy that she is his child, but it will shut the wife up over this once and for all, and will stop rumours circulating that could get back to your DD when she is older.

2rebecca · 27/07/2015 22:00

I think relationships with half siblings and step-siblings often aren't anything like sibling relationships when you share both parents and are brought up together. They can be if the children spend a lot of time together but my kids and stepkids are more like casual friends than siblings because much of the time they lived in different houses were brought up slightly differently and there's an age gap. They don't even remember each others birthdays or send each other cards although they get on fine when they see each other.

reni1 · 27/07/2015 22:07

I think telling her is all you can do, OP. I cannot see a relationship happening until both girls are old enough to keep it going themselves since the other girl's mum is against it. Your dd will be grown up by then, her half-sister probably almost a teenager if not older.

Ajaney · 27/07/2015 22:11

Apologies if I have missed it but has DDs father given any opinion on this situation? I mean has he considered what might happen should he bump into DD while pushing a pram/at the park with new baby? Considering he lives quite close, has this not happened before?

MummaV · 27/07/2015 23:20

I think everyone is focusing far too much on the fact that 8 years ago you had a fling or two with him (a man in a supposed committed relationship - OP in my eyes, yes it was a mistake by you, but if he can't keep it in his pants and think of his girlfriend - even if you were instigating - then he's a shit anyway. You on the other hand had just become the mother of his child and possibly subconsciously wanted to make a go of things) and not on the real issue at hand.

Tell him he needs to tell her and if he hasn't told her by X date, that you will tell her yourself. Your DD needs to know about this. My DF kept secrets from me when I was little and although my mum told me because he was too self obsessed (or scared of his second wife) to tell me I became super suspicious of everything about him. This started the breakdown of our relationship and we have now been NC for years.

Tell her.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/07/2015 23:28

Why do people say she was the other woman and the father of her child was with his now wife at the time of conception? has the OP ever said this? I thought she said they were split, they had sex, she got pregnant, then he got together with current wife.

Not that it matters from the point of view of the child.

She deserves to know that she has a sibling and she deserves to know that her father is married - that is too significant to hide from a person. No need for a relationship with the wife or even the baby sister but she needs to know significant facts about her family. Secrets are nearly always wrong.

If I were you OP, I would tell her father that he has 2 weeks to tell her and then you will. then do.

I would also take the key to your house back from him. You have so many blurred boundaries here, I can kind of see (while not approving) why the wife is so nuts.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/07/2015 23:39

I thought from your first post that there were unresolved feelings between you when you clarified bedtime as 'hers!!'. You haven't covered yourself in glory at all and it will be your daughter who is hurt. Her father is outright lying and you are being complicit and were/are still seeing your ex. You seem to enjoy having this good relationship and are revelling in your ex's wife's pain a little. It's understandable but very unfair. Don't be the OW in all this... I think you're halfway there and the only innocent loser will be your daughter.

Ladyconstance · 28/07/2015 04:38

Whatever the relationship history between you, OP, and the other adults, it doesn't sound like you and DD's father are being honest with yourselves or other people about what's really going on. He's married to another woman and now has a child. Yet he has keys to yours and pops round for dinner. And you both plan to keep one child secret from the other. This isn't a soap opera for you and your ex. By you and your ex not calling this what it really is, your DD will bear the consequences of your decisions all her life. What this is is a deliberate lie to yourselves that you are friends. He is not your friend. He is your ex. He is a father to your DD but your own relationship with him has ended. His marriage and new baby are proof of that. He owes you nothing. Good that you say you get on but in RL the world is moving on. You're the OW, not your DD. With the new baby, your DD is no longer the trump card you had over your ex's wife and your reason for claiming a relationship with your ex. This is not really about secrets regarding his children. The game's changed but you don't sound willing to change your reality. You can fight desperately to keep the fantasy but your DD's feelings and needs are real and she could be hurt deeply for life by your actions.

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