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Original poster

The secret family... advice pls

135 replies

Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 14:32

My ex and I split shortly before I got pregnant.

FF almost 8 years and we have a great DD who lives with me. She sees plenty of her dad, usually a few times a week. They're off on their jollies together in a couple of weeks. We co-parent very effectively - she's a very happy little girl.

But he has a wife. They've just had a child. And the wife has said in no uncertain terms that she wants their new baby to have nothing to do with our DD or me. My DD has no idea that the wife or baby exist. She has never been to her father's house.

WWYD?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 27/07/2015 17:01

you need to tell her. And you need to tell him that you won't be party to his secrets and lies. I would also tell him that if he doesn't tell both children about each other then he risks losing both of them when they grow up and find out (and they will find out).

Gruntfuttock · 27/07/2015 17:02

I'm very confused. Surely if you split up with your ex before you got pregnant then your ex and your DD's father are two different people, unless you slept with him after you split up.

mytitiferssungtheirsong · 27/07/2015 17:05

I'm very confused. Are you saying dd has not been to her fathers house for 8 years? You say ex and new partner got together when dd was a baby.
If this is the case how is he a good dad?

TRexingInAsda · 27/07/2015 17:14

Don't collude in their lies to your dd. Tell your dd the truth, let ex deal with the reality of it.

AllThatGlistens · 27/07/2015 17:19

I think you've both fucked up tbh, of course he shouldn't have kept his wife secret, that's just plain stupidity.

But, but... How on earth did you think this wasn't going to affect her? You're her mother, not her pal. They do grow up you know and tend to find this stuff out, which is when the shit really hits the fan..

WallyBantersJunkBox · 27/07/2015 17:39

Sounds like the ex is insanely jealous of his relationship with his DD. Perhaps she's worried that he won't love new DD as much as the first?

It's totally unreasonable and very immature of course, but by slamming the door shut on his relationship with DD and you she is probably making it much worse for herself.

I'm not sure how happy I'd be for my DP to have everyday access with a key to his ex's house and spend all his visitation time there if I was his wife. She's made a bit of a rod for her back there by effectively banning them from her life. She must be twisting herself in knots when he is at yours in the evenings.

And as mentioned, she's just going to sit at home alone with the baby when he is at yours? What do her family think of all this? For goodness sake sometimes I wonder who the grown ups are in relationships these days.

And she had no right to deprive your daughter of a family life.

You both must stop facilitating her. You should tell him that you are going to mention it to her, and leave it up to him to decide if he wants to be there.

At that age I don't think the wife part will matter too much, as the possibility of a sister will outshine that topic. And let them deal with the excuses of why she can't meet her. Show them up for the ridiculous pair they are.

I agree with the DNA test. Put that shit to bed and call her out. Because if DD does meet her sister you won't be there to protect her from a potentially venomous woman.

I only hope to god that having a child makes her look at life from a different perspective.

I'd start discussing different visitation patterns too...when the heck do you get a break?

Original poster
Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 17:59

A DNA test would be a complete waste of our money - he knows that he's her dad, even if she looks like a mini me :)

To clarify, we split up and then I fell pregnant during a one night truce. These things happen. We never reconciled. I wasn't too chuffed when they got together for numerous reasons, but made my peace with it.

She does tear her hair out when he's here - the phone starts going about 5 mins after DD's bedtime. We did have a couple of flings after they got together, so she was never going to be a founder member of my fan club.

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 27/07/2015 18:01

Oh dear, that changes the perspective slightly then. Confused

DoingTheBestICan · 27/07/2015 18:06

Wow, he sounds like a catch. I think you should have both been honest with your dd and told her the truth as soon as she was able to understand. And for goodness sake stop having flings with him. You know he's married and he should damn well keep it in his pants.

I feel sorry for your dd tbh.

JeanSeberg · 27/07/2015 18:08

Drip drip drip.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 27/07/2015 18:09

Indeed Jean, indeed.

Op do you quite enjoy the pain his DW feels?

DoingTheBestICan · 27/07/2015 18:13

I wouldn't have had 'flings' with him, I'd have told him to fuck off back to his wife.
What does he plan on saying to his other dd when he leaves his family home in the evenings to spend time with your dd?

Original poster
Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 18:23

To clarify... it was years ago. Long before they were married. I knew it was silly then, and deeply regret it now. I'm not a saint, but I'm also not responsible for her marrying this idiot.

I don't enjoy anyone's pain, least of all my DD's, hence looking to stop this all upsetting her. I know I've been soft with him and it's helped no one.

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 27/07/2015 18:25

Does explain her jealousy and rigidity though op, a little bit.

Tequilashotfor1 · 27/07/2015 18:32

I think you all need to grow up for your dd sake.

If you keep your mouth shut your dd is going to feel massivly betrayed by those that are supposed to live her the most when she finds out.

Tell her. And your ex needs to man the fuck up, where is he letting his wife treat her like a shit stain? What a cunt! I take it she has no interaction with his parents either?

BitOfFun · 27/07/2015 18:33

EIGHT YEARS?! And she's never asked where he lives, or with whom? How does he/do you explain all the phone calls? And how has she avoided seeing them together so far, using the same supermarket etc etc? Quite extraordinary.

LineRunner · 27/07/2015 18:41

May I just clarify, when was your last fling with him? Was it before or after he first met his now wife; and is she aware?

It's just that her attitude seems extraordinary. Btw, did she tell you what she apparently wants, or did he pass it on?

CassieBearRawr · 27/07/2015 18:42

Jeez idiots all round here.

You can't control how they behave but you can control how you behave. Tell your daughter the truth but don't hype it up. Tell your ex you will be telling her and its his issue to deal with. Which it is.

Scholes34 · 27/07/2015 18:45

Staggered bedtimes?

OfficerVanHalen · 27/07/2015 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Keletubbie · 27/07/2015 18:47

Yes, he pays maintenance - she has informed me she feels it is too much.

We shop in different supermarkets as a rule Grin

The child's existence was never hidden, our flings happened while they were together but not married.

I haven't said anything because I really had hoped he'd be the one to do it. She has never questioned it - she's only 7 and just knows he appears after work and stays Til bedtime.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 27/07/2015 18:48

I found out I had 2 secret younger siblings who live 10 miles away.

I was 19 when I found out. It was fucking horrendous - I'd been lied to for about 10 years and it destroyed any trust I had in my Dad at the time.

Don't put your DD through that. Tell her now - the simple talk about Daddy and his DW are having a baby is a good idea.

She WILL find out eventually.

yellowdaisies · 27/07/2015 18:51

Your DD needs to be told, preferably by her dad, but failing that, by you. The older she gets the more deceit is going to be involved in keeping it from her, and in a small town she is going to find out from someone. I would make it clear to her dad that he needs to be honest with her. Where does she think he lives and who with? She will start asking more questions as she gets older, and both he and you will have to tell outright lies if you don't come clean.

But if her dad's new baby is very small it might not be a great time for his new wife to deal with meeting a child who's existence she's in denial of, so maybe not good to push that for a few months. She may be sleep deprived and insecure right now.

As suggested above, I'd describe the new child as her dad's new baby, not a sister, to avoid raising expectations. If she asks if it's a sister you could say "well yes technically"

dangerrabbit · 27/07/2015 18:53

You need to be honest with your child.

sadwidow28 · 27/07/2015 18:53

This is simply beyond bizarre.

All 3 adults in this scenario are not putting the best interests of the children at the centre of their decisions. You have and your ex have behaved appallingly in the past with a fling (affair) and I wouldn't trust you either. However, I don't think the jealousy that the DW displays is healthy either. She has clearly NOT been happy that your ex comes to your house twice a week to play 'happy families' like a sperm donor.

You don't co-parent effectively as your DD doesn't even know her DF's family. You allow him access on YOUR terms, in your home.

Your DD and the baby deserve to have a relationship. Tell your ex to man-up and get it sorted. Make sure that YOU stop allowing access at your home in order to facilitate your ex to blend his family. It is nothing to do with you.