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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's not that difficult!!!!

66 replies

cookiemonster100 · 27/07/2015 13:49

Just need to rant. I feel every conversation with hubby is more complicated than it really needs to be. For example, LO has appointment tomorrow at at a specialist. It's on a day that I am working but hubby is off so he is taking him. Hubby arranges appt. So the conversation goes like this last night
me: what time is the appt
Him: not sure I need to find the piece of paper I wrote it on
Me: I thought you put it in your phone
Him: yeah but I didn't save it.
Me: (quietly seething) can you check.
Him: yeah I will ring then later

Speak today
Me: did you find out what time the appt is?
Him: not yet been busy
Me: (seething coz I am at work, kids at nursery he has the house to himself) ok but can you please check

Why of fucking why can't the conversation go like this
Me: what time is the appt
Him: Tuesday at 11am
Bosh! Job done, we can move on with the rest of our day.

My initial question was just out of interest but now it's because I worry he will forget as he is so faffy.
FFS!

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 27/07/2015 13:52

Do you have some reason to believe he won't find out the time and get your son to the appointment when he should?

Original poster
cookiemonster100 · 27/07/2015 13:58

No he will. He is just a faffer. But we run this risk of missing the appt if he doesn't check.
There is more to this thread than example of my faffy husband

OP posts:
Mcnorton · 27/07/2015 14:00

Mine is EXACTLY the same. but also likely to muck it up and cause problems due to lack of organisation. I feel your pain.

StayWithMe · 27/07/2015 14:00

Sounds like the conversation my dear husband and I used to have, but the sexes were reversed. Blush

Original poster
cookiemonster100 · 27/07/2015 14:03

McNorton that has happened in the past. And it's never his fault always someone else's.
When it comes to the kids stuff I tend to check in to avoid problems happening. Drives me up the frigging wall.....

OP posts:
AgathaF · 27/07/2015 14:04

I think you need to take a step back and 'allow' him to do it in his own way and his own time. You've already said that he will get your DS to the appt, so what's the worry, apart from you'd rather he sorted it in the same way as you?

SurlyCue · 27/07/2015 14:05

Try this: dont ask him when appointment is. Leave it to him, if he misses it, he has to re-arrange and take another day annual leave to attend. By choosing to continue asking him you have designated yourself as manager of his behaviour. You arent. He is. Leave it all up to him, consequences and all. Pretend he's an adult.

HopOnTheMonnerBus · 27/07/2015 14:08

This is me. Blush

DH is very organised, triple checking everything so he knows every last detail.

I'm more lazy laid back about things, I'll get it all done but it might take me a while to get round to sorting all the details.

Marynary · 27/07/2015 14:10

IF your DH is taking him, why do you need to know what time the appointment is and why does he have to check well in advance and then give you the time. It doesn't matter when he checks as long as he does before he goes to bed tonight. It would really get on my nerves if my spouse interfered the way you are doing. Back off.

Original poster
cookiemonster100 · 27/07/2015 14:17

marynary the only reason I initially asked was part of a general conversation about something else. When it transpires he can't remember & half arsed about finding out, knowing he is faffer & scatty I get twitchy.

We have missed flights, appointments & even his friends wedding because he can't organise himself. So when it comes to the kids, no I won't back off.
He would never intentionally miss the appointment but the likelihood is high. Then we have to wait yonks for another appointment.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 27/07/2015 14:24

We have missed flights, appointments & even his friends wedding

Christ, he'd drive me round the twist. Has he always been like this?

PeruvianFoodLover · 27/07/2015 14:27

we have missed flights, appointments & even his friends wedding because he can't organise himself.

Rather than create unnecessary stress and resentment, why not just work to your individual strengths within your marriage?

When it comes to DCs appointments, you take responsibility for them - make the appointments at a time convenient for you; don't factor your DH in on these occasions.

You are both setting your DH up to fail - he's demonstrated, repeatedly, that he is unable to organise himself, and yet you continue to distribute tasks and chores within your marriage in such a way that expects him to utilise skills that he just doesn't have!

Rethink the way your marriage works - distribute tasks based on your individual strengths and weaknesses, not just convenience, habit or equality.

JeanSeberg · 27/07/2015 14:30

How does he manage to organise himself at work?

SurlyCue · 27/07/2015 14:32

Ok so if you dont trust him to do it, which you dont then you need to take on these jobs yourself. Nagging like you do isnt actually getting the job done so it serves no purpose other than to wind yourself up and give yourself a false sense of control.

Marynary · 27/07/2015 14:33

marynary the only reason I initially asked was part of a general conversation about something else. When it transpires he can't remember & half arsed about finding out, knowing he is faffer & scatty I get twitchy.

But why should he remember the time? If it is written down he just needs to check this evening before the day of the appointment. If he has lost the time he needs to phone the clinic. By fussing around him you are making it your problem and not making him take responsibility.

Marynary · 27/07/2015 14:36

We have missed flights, appointments & even his friends wedding

If I was going on a flight, appointment or wedding with someone I would make sure I also knew the time and date whether or not they were scatty.
This situation is different because it doesn't involve you.

ouryve · 27/07/2015 14:40

This is why all our appointments get written down on the kitchen calendar, as soon as they're made.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 14:41

You arebothsetting your DH up to fail - he's demonstrated, repeatedly, that he is unable to organise himself, and yet you continue to distribute tasks and chores within your marriage in such a way that expects him to utilise skills that he just doesn't have

so basically your saying that op can't ever arrange to go anywhere or do anything that through circumstances outside of her control fall on a day where one of the kids has an appointment for fear her own dh cant be a grown up and sort it out himself?? really.???

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 14:50

What if op had to go assist in an emergency with her mum, or go to a meeting fir work. should she really not be able to do these things because her husband can't be trusted to get the kids somewhere when he's home and he's been reminded?

should he not feed them either because op is at work and her strengths are the cooking?

wooldonor · 27/07/2015 14:57

Why shouldn't the op be allowed to be interested in when her child's appointment is? If it's at 9am on a Monday and he doesn't know on Sunday it's going to be missed. Rearranging appointments isn't always that easy.

I don't think it's asking too much for her DP to have kept the information in a way that's easy for then both to have access too.

It would drive me mad too

Original poster
cookiemonster100 · 27/07/2015 15:00

ouryve we do have a shared calendar online using our phones as it seems to work better. It's mainly me who puts the dates in for stuff eg meeting friend A for BBQ etc. however as he is taking them I just left it.
My gut feel is if I didn't chase for the time, he would have missed the appt.
jean this is my biggest frustration. He is perfectly fine organising work it's just laziness on his behalf on the home front.

OP posts:
PeruvianFoodLover · 27/07/2015 15:01

so basically your saying that op can't ever arrange to go anywhere or do anything that through circumstances outside of her control fall on a day where one of the kids has an appointment for fear her own dh cant be a grown up and sort it out himself?? really.???

Not at all. I'm saying that the OP and her DH both know that he's not able or willing to demonstrate the skills needed to reliably get the DC to an appointment - it's clearly not a deal breaker for her - so rather than stress, nag and worry, why not just adapt the way you both live your lives to accommodate each other's strengths and weaknesses? If it's not possible to do that on this occasion, then so be it - but if the OPs DH can't organise himself, then it's quite likely the appointment will be missed. That's just the way it is.

Life is too short, IMO, to get stressed because someone else won't/can't change to be more like you.

The OPs title says it all - just because you find something easy, doesn't mean someone else does. I'm sure that the OPs DH is doing the best he can for his DCs (if he's not then that is a totally different thread). It's the OPs expectations that are causing her stress.

PeruvianFoodLover · 27/07/2015 15:04

Sorry OP, cross post.

He is perfectly fine organising work it's just laziness on his behalf on the home front

so it is a totally different thread.

Your DH "can't be bothered" to prioritise his DCs medical care? What about when you missed flights? Or the family wedding? He's pretty self absorbed, isn't he?

You do have a problem.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 15:06

But life happens. illness, death, meetings at work, hours changing, running out of something, surprise visits etc. People should not be unable to tend to situations that suddenly occur which need urgent attention be case their dumbass husband can't put a reminder in a phone.

This isn't asking a plumber to re wire a house..its asking an adult to read a message. and I ask again, should he not feed them because his wife is at work and she's better at cooking? or because popping to the shop means factoring ten mins he wasn't aware he'd have onto his day?

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 15:09

This is no different to someone not being able to leave their baby with their husband because he can't or won't follow a routine. It's not ok

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