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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's not that difficult!!!!

66 replies

cookiemonster100 · 27/07/2015 13:49

Just need to rant. I feel every conversation with hubby is more complicated than it really needs to be. For example, LO has appointment tomorrow at at a specialist. It's on a day that I am working but hubby is off so he is taking him. Hubby arranges appt. So the conversation goes like this last night
me: what time is the appt
Him: not sure I need to find the piece of paper I wrote it on
Me: I thought you put it in your phone
Him: yeah but I didn't save it.
Me: (quietly seething) can you check.
Him: yeah I will ring then later

Speak today
Me: did you find out what time the appt is?
Him: not yet been busy
Me: (seething coz I am at work, kids at nursery he has the house to himself) ok but can you please check

Why of fucking why can't the conversation go like this
Me: what time is the appt
Him: Tuesday at 11am
Bosh! Job done, we can move on with the rest of our day.

My initial question was just out of interest but now it's because I worry he will forget as he is so faffy.
FFS!

OP posts:
Marynary · 27/07/2015 15:09

She is allowed to be interested but constantly asking for the time for the appointment would be irritating. She isn't going so she doesn't need to know.

PeruvianFoodLover · 27/07/2015 15:11

People should not be unable to tend to situations that suddenly occur which need urgent attention be case their dumbass husband can't put a reminder in a phone.

I'm not suggesting they should. But getting stressed and pissed off when your DH behaves in the same way as he's done mayn't times before is pointless. If you rely on someone who is unreliable, then it's likely to go wrong, and you shouldn't be surprised.

But, as the OP has said this is about her DHs priorities, not his abilities, then it doesn't really apply.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 15:28

I still think it's wrong to suggest banking someone and removing all aspects of any responsibility they have that they don't like and decide to mess up repeatedly til it gets removed leaving g them a free agent and a wife carrying the burden of running g the household single handedly.

you sound far to accepting of it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 15:28

banking? babying

PeruvianFoodLover · 27/07/2015 15:35

a wife carrying the burden of running g the household single handedly.

I never suggested anything of the sort. Wives aren't multi-talented; they have strengths and weaknesses too.

I just think that a lot of Marriages and cohabiting relationships would be a great deal more harmonious if couples could divvie-up responsibilities based on skill set. Yes, there are bound to be things that neither are particularly good at, or both are excellent at - but where one party is much more skilled than the other, it makes sense for them to take responsibility for that task, surely? And, if circumstances mean that on occasion, the less-skilled party has to do their best, then maybe the partner could be supportive, rather than get stressed and nag when it isn't done as well as they would to it?

JeanSeberg · 27/07/2015 15:38

It's got nothing to do with skill or lack of Peruvian. He's proved himself perfectly capable at work, he just can't be arsed at home.

However, if he's always been like this I don't hold out any chance of change.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 15:38

But its a medical appointment. The dh should be equally invested in the children's health regardless of his skill set.

just how hard is it to write a note on a phone? he's not been asked to draw up a rota or organise a house move. He has one job. to make a note of one appointment. If that's to hard then quite frankly....

Boosiehs · 27/07/2015 15:39

I can't believe that people think he op should just do this all herself!

They DH has to step up and stop acting like a child who can't tie his own shoelaces without help.

It's like the thing where 'men' are so hopeless at washing/washing up etc their significant other takes over to get it done properly.

PeruvianFoodLover · 27/07/2015 15:42

It's got nothing to do with skill or lack of Peruvian. He's proved himself perfectly capable at work, he just can't be arsed at home.

Yes, I x-posted with the OP Ns subsequently corrected my post.

The OP has a far bigger problem than her DCs medical appointment - he DH is checking out of family life; missed flights, weddings, appointments when he can manage his time effectively at work?

The OP and her DCs deserve better - everyone does.

achieve6 · 27/07/2015 15:44

diary management is basic. Every adult should be able to do it. I think the OP is in a tough spot and I agree her OH needs to step up. but if you're worried about a medical appointment being missed, it is hard not to interfere.

Marynary · 27/07/2015 15:45

He probably doesn't manage his time effectively at work either. Probably someone is running around after him there as well.

PeruvianFoodLover · 27/07/2015 15:46

They DH has to step up and stop acting like a child who can't tie his own shoelaces without help.

But there are DCs who can't tie their shoelaces without help.

Just as there are men (and women) who can't time manage, or have ever leant basic organisational skills.

Expecting someone to do something they don't have the skills to do is setting them up to fail.

The OP says in a later post that her DH can do these things at work, so he's clearly capable - but not everyone is. Just because you find something easy, doesn't mean everyone can do it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 15:47

yy if you miss enough appointments then they will refuse to give you any more. of course she has to nag him. about it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 15:48

So the answer is to never do them?

I don't find lots of things easy but you push through because you have to

AgathaF · 27/07/2015 15:49

You appear to be contradicting yourself here. You say that you've missed flights, a wedding etc because he is disorganised, yet earlier in the thread, when you were asked if you believed that he wouldn't make the appointment, you answered "No he will. He is just a faffer.".

I still think that you should leave him to it, or perhaps just rethink the way you ask/remind him about things. The way you're on his back over it over and over, treating him like a child, is most likely going to result in him acting like a child. Which is why you need to leave him to it.

PeruvianFoodLover · 27/07/2015 15:50

No giles, you've missed my point.

My point is that by expecting someone without the skills to succeed to do a good job, and getting stressed when they don't, you are creating a conflict situation in a partnership which could easily be avoided.

Marynary · 27/07/2015 16:40

yy if you miss enough appointments then they will refuse to give you any more. of course she has to nag him. about it.

He hasn't missed even one appointments though. OP is nagging in anticipation of him missing an appointment even though she also stated earlier on she said that he won't miss it.

Marynary · 27/07/2015 16:43

Expecting someone to do something they don't have the skills to do is setting them up to fail.

I think that any reasonably intelligent person has the skills to be organised if they want to be. They may think it's not worth the effort if they have someone else doing all the thinking for them though.

Marynary · 27/07/2015 16:44

They may not think it's not worth the effort

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 16:55

No peru your missing my point which is that banging on about skill sets is a cop out . precisely the excuse husbands are using to get out if doing anything they don't want to do.

You wouldn't tell a person that as they are the best at making up formula that they should he the only ones to ever feed the baby.

You wouldn't tell someone that became their wife works in a call centre she's better equipped to call the drs even though the dh is home when the kid falls ill.

when your looking after a family everyone needs to be at least able to do the basics even if that means writing an appointment on the back of his hand or serving beans on toast as he can't cook.

RabbitSaysWoof · 27/07/2015 16:55

If I had an appointment tomorrow and no other plans to fit around it then my deadline to check the time of it would be bedtime tonight.
I don't think that's childish or scatty I'd still be up and ready on time with kids red book in the bag.

PeruvianFoodLover · 27/07/2015 17:16

No peru your missing my point which is that banging on about skill sets is a cop out . precisely the excuse husbands are using to get out if doing anything they don't want to do.

Why on earth would a spouse do that, though? If one party in a marriage is finding excuses not to pull their weight, then the partnership is on a lot more trouble than just trying to distribute chores.

I've made it clear that my opinion isn't in relation to the OPs situation as she says her DH is "opting out" of his responsibilities, rather than doing them to the best of his ability.

But being able to do the basics doesn't mean doing them the way one party thinks is right.

Take your example of making up the bottles. It might take mum 5 minutes to do it and dad 10 minutes. If mum expects dad to do a bottle in 10 minutes, and gets stressed and nags him to do it quicker, it creates a hostile, unpleasant atmosphere. Surely it's better for mum to either do it herself if it needs to be done quickly, "her way", or back off and let Dad do it his way and relax about it?

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 17:20

I accept people have different ways that's not the issue though. You would have to say something if the way your dh was doing it was likely to mean that it was done wrong. or he should have known to start it earlier of it means they say miss a bus as it took to long to feed the baby.

It also depends if said dh is likely to end up in a mood or blaming the wife for not reminding him and ergo missing it all together or making it so last minute he got himself worked up.

PeruvianFoodLover · 27/07/2015 17:35

You would have to say something if the way your dh was doing it was likely to mean that it was done wrong.

Why? Presumably, your DH is not a risk to himself or others, so why not trust him to know what he is doing?

I'd hate it if my DH was on my back while I was doing something, telling me that I was doing it wrong. And I couldn't nag my DH like that.

Sometimes, people get things wrong, and as a result, things don't go according to plan, but unless it's life threatening, is it really worth creating tension and stress in a relationship?

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/07/2015 17:38

It matters if the reason you did it the other way was just to prove a point or to get out of doing it again.