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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pressure re baby at wedding

486 replies

DeeDee40 · 26/07/2015 16:44

Hello AIBU? Getting married in a matter of weeks. Decided not to invite kids due to cost,type and size of venue. Means that DHs nieces cant come too but thats choice were happy with. A friend contacted me today hinting re inviting her baby who will be seven months by then due to bfing! The message said that her family will have to keep him outside church and reception and phone her when he needs feeding and she hopes the next wedding she goes to will invite him!???? does she expect her family to bring her baby into my wedding ceremony and reception.so she can bf him? My DH not happy as he feels shes trying her luck majorly and if others can find babysitters some of whom have smaller babys then so can she. Not happy

OP posts:
Hellion7433 · 27/07/2015 17:48

I'd have declined your invite op. I think its fine to have a no kids rule but odd to have a no babes in arms rule.

tiggytape · 27/07/2015 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3littlebadgers · 27/07/2015 18:04

I've not read the whole thread but wanted to add my experiance. I was invited to a wedding where the bride and groom couldn't afford to cater for all of the children so this is what they did. They explained that their budget was limited, but they wanted everyone to have a good time. They said that if people wanted to bring their children could they, in place of a wedding gift, cover the cost of the child's meal. That way they wouldn't need a child free rule and everyone is happy and catered for. It was lovely. Those who wanted their children there could bring them, they would have spent the money on a wedding gift anyway, and those that rathered a day without the children could do so too.

Ragwort · 27/07/2015 18:05

To those who would decline would you decline of your child/children were older and not invited?

Yes - we were invited to a wedding fairly recently and it was 'no children' - our DS was about 9 at the time, it would have been incredibly boring for him to be at the wedding actually it was incredibly boring for us and I was able to arrange child care and we could enjoy some 'child free' time. It's not a crime to want to spend time with other adults - and it's good for children to know that they are not always the centre of attention and that their parents have a social life.

And if I hadn't been able to arrange child care I would have declined gracefully - why do people get so anxious about just saying 'no thank you' to a wedding invitation.

merrymouse · 27/07/2015 18:10

Lots of babies aren't exclusively breastfeeding at 7 months - Reasonable or not, I think you would still run the risk of putting people's noses out of joint if you excluded babies under a year old because they weren't breastfed. At least an age cut off is impersonal.

It's very difficult to have a wedding or any social event that includes all your close family and friends, work colleagues, distant cousins, parent's friends etc. that doesn't offend somebody

LuluJakey1 · 27/07/2015 18:12

I hate the whole faff and expense and showing off of it all.
Sitting through vows written by the couple which are for each other and no one else, hours of photos, lots of standing around, lots of couples showing off outfits they think make them better than others which are usually hideous and flash, dull food, boring speeches or speeches by people who are far too entertained by themselves, buying presents from a wedding list(or worse being asked for money), travelling half way aross the country to see people we never see, staying in hotels we would never want to sta in usually for a couple of nights. It is all just naff. We turn down almost all invitations and only go to close family and very close friends. We are the Glums of the wedding world. I don't care.

Our wedding was small-it was 30 or 35 people- my friend made my dress from some lace I had once bought in a French market. Very simple. Did my own hair and make-up. DH and I arrived together in a taxi and walked down the aisle together, very simple vows ad short service, my SIL took photos throughout the day- there were only 4 posed. We walked round the corner to the Reception. No best man or bridesmaids. Reception at Italian restaurant owned by friends' of PIL. Just us there- they closed it. We all ordered off the menu. Champagne and tea and coffee and petit fours served in the courtyard garden and lots of outdoor seats with cushions- the grandmas loved it. 4 piece swing band. We left about 8 pm not drunk, in a taxi, for two nights in a nice hotel in the country. We paid for it all ourselves- except the two night in the hotel which were PIL treat. No presents, donations to a charity- my dad had died the year before and it was his favourite charity. DH and I didn't need anything. No faff, no fuss, no squabbles, low cost for guests, just the people we are closest to. No one was invited out of politeness or who we hardly see/hear from or don't like. Wouldn't suit everyone but it suited us. No stress and we loved it.

merrymouse · 27/07/2015 18:14

Sounds great lulu.

LilyMayViolet · 27/07/2015 18:20

As I've said before, we had a lot of children at our CP ceremony and it was both wonderful and slightly annoying! We're having children again at our small ceremony next year now that we can actually legally marry. We're not having everyone's children though because it's a tiny guest list. No one has a problem with that at all. Is it really so precious for a couple to actually want to hear their wedding vows over a screaming child?! My god, I absolutely adore kids but some of the posts on here are so entitled it's incredible!

LilyMayViolet · 27/07/2015 18:22

Our wedding is similarly informal Lulu. I can't wait!

wishiwasrunning · 27/07/2015 18:22

Dee, why don't you want children at your wedding? I genuinely don't understand and have never heard of people having that rule.

flamingoland · 27/07/2015 18:24

Your wedding and your choices. Babies wouldn't be coming to my wedding either and I have had one. Whether you have or haven't doesn't make any difference- if you don't want them there, they aren't coming! To make your friend feel bad for not attending as a result would be bad form though.

clam · 27/07/2015 18:26

For the record, our wedding was largely child-free, apart from nieces and nephews and the young children of the Best Man and Chief Bridesmaid, so I do 'get' the 'no kids please' sentiment.

I've been perfectly happy to attend weddings since where my kids have not been invited, and was surprised and touched when a distant cousin of dh's invited all four of us, all day and evening to a very expensive posh do.
i think it's probably the unpleasant way that the OP talked about her friend that has made me Hmm.

I agree that if the friend wishes to decline the invitation, she should do so.

"We come as a family unit or not at all"
Certainly don't agree with this!!!!!

BrendaBlackhead · 27/07/2015 18:37

"We come as a family unit or not at all"

Just urgggghh. I know people like this and it's not good. Not good at all. Bil, sil and (adult) children go everywhere together. They will not be split up. Once dh made the mistake of sitting down at a family occasion next to a dn, and there was uncomfortable kerfuffling, and she moved to sit next to her siblings leaving dh sitting there by himself like a lemon. Dh felt foolish and very embarrassed. They have absolutely no social awareness and it was encouraged from the start by the "we do everything together" ethos.

LindyHemming · 27/07/2015 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kesstrel · 27/07/2015 18:41

A friend recently received a wedding invitation which specified "No Pets" directly underneath the "No Children" heading! Hmm We both thought the juxtaposition there was a little tactless... However, to make matters worse, it also turned out that the bride's pet dog was going to be part of the ceremony, while my friend's teenage children, who are first cousins of the groom, were not even allowed to attend...

fourtothedozen · 27/07/2015 18:47

Luckily dodged another wedding last week.

Our kids were invited too, to OHs niece's plush wedding at a huge stately home.

He took one for team, attended himself, left after the meal. Meanwhile kids and I went to the zoo, then to a posh Indian restaurant for dinner.
A much more enjoyable day.

HoldYerWhist · 27/07/2015 18:51

We told my dad we were having a child-free wedding, even though dh's little cousins came and my friend brought her baby.My dad lives in a different country and I asked him not to bring his three kids

Fucking hell!

Wondermoomin · 27/07/2015 18:55

YABU.

No kids at a wedding - fair enough. Banning babes in arms is daft. You don't have to cater for them so it's not like it changes the cost. This is all about the 'appearance' of your perfect day. You either want that friend to come or you don't, choosing to allow her to take a nursing baby is a much easier decision than she faces (declining the invitation or leaving her baby).

I had to leave my exclusively BF 3 month old with a grandparent and bottles of expressed milk once for a 'no kids' wedding because the bride 'didn't want any babies crying during the ceremony'. The thing I remember more than anything else that day is how difficult it was (sore boobs, expressing milk in the toilets so as not to interfere with the wedding, dashing off early to get back to BF as my baby hadn't managed the bottles...).

By contrast, that same baby came with us to 3 other weddings that season and didn't cry during any ceremonies or cause a fuss at any of them.

If I still had very young ones, I would hesitate to go to a wedding without them until the age of about 11 months to a year.

cansu · 27/07/2015 19:10

Really dont get this. If I was getting married and wanted my friends there I wouldnt think twice about welcoming baby. If u are not that fussed about havibg all these peole there then fine have as many rules as u like.

Itsmine · 27/07/2015 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 27/07/2015 19:15

We don't come as a unit at all either. I recently went to a family wedding alone as it was no kids. It was nice, bit there was a fair amount of hanging about that would be dull for kids.

However, my relative was very nice about the fact it would just be me and didn't think we should have tried harder to find a babysitter so we could both go (and our youngest is now 1 so I could leave him without feeding complications for him or me).

ARunOfThings · 27/07/2015 19:32

I don't understand the people who say it has to be "one rule for all". If I get invited to a wedding and I'm told that no children are allowed, but then I turn up and there are children there, I wouldn't be massively offended. I'd just assume they were children of closer family or friend, or were given special exemption for some reason that's none of my business.

Unless it was apparent that my DCs were the only ones excluded, I really wouldn't think twice about it.

reni1 · 27/07/2015 19:45

The problem isn't children or not, not even babes in arms, the problem is the OP expects her friend to wean her baby for her wedding since others with younger babies managed!

Imagine weaning for a friends wedding, what a reason. Expecting it to be done is just ridiculously bridezilla, can't wait for her pfb threads.

LuluJakey1 · 27/07/2015 19:48

Why should she have babies or children if she does not want them there? Babies cry and she might not want women breastfeeding during her wedding.

I have a 7 month old DS and unless he was specifically invited, would not dream of taking him to a wedding. Nor would I be in any way offended if it said no children were invited. I can't understand people who think their children should automatically be invited to other people's events. Some people just don't like children. If they don't want them there, you don't have to go and you shouldn't make anyone feel bad about that or ask if they can come. If I was not prepared to leave DS with someone else for the day, I just would not go. If it was a wedding chaces are we would not go anyway - as explained above.

Vatersay · 27/07/2015 19:48

I was at a lovely wedding on Saturday. Full of children including several babies. It was a lovely, lovely day. Beautiful bride, gorgeous wee bridesmaids, adorable page boys in tiny wee kilts, great granny getting a cuddle of a baby, all the kids taking turns to dance with the bride. Just lovely.

However if you wish to be child free that's your decision.

EBF babies can't just be given a bottle 'just this once' though. It doesn't work like that. My EBF twins were completely prepared to refuse bottles of expressed milk (for hours) and you just can't put your babysitter or the child through that.

Plus your breasts still fill up with milk and are miserably uncomfortable (right up until they leak).

You'll have to politely ask your friend not to come, if you aren't happy with her (very generous) attempt to find a compromise.

Anyone else with a baby who has found a sitter must be mix feeding or bottle feeding, she isn't bring difficult - honest.

Have a lovely day.

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