Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Use of the words abusive and controlling on MN

475 replies

SrAssumpta · 26/07/2015 12:25

Recently there seems to be a surge in the dramatically unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling on here and I really think I've become desensitized to it so I would imagine that's how real victims of abuse or people with genuinely controlling partners would feel too if they came on talking about their relationship, does that make sense?

A woman got told the other day she sounded controlling for making a meal plan ffs, I mean seriously? These words get thrown around now it's going to either lead to everyone thinking they're in abusive relationships or in fact controlling and the people who genuinely need to understand that their relationship isn't normal won't be able to see it because suddenly everybody is abusive or controlling.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/07/2015 14:10

nah not coming across as having any unplumbed depths at all

I think you just want to prolong an argument

Original poster
SrAssumpta · 29/07/2015 14:18

That's quite alright, you're entitled to think what you like.

Great input AnyFucker

OP posts:
Spartans · 29/07/2015 14:48

agreed - the "suck it up cos it's faaamly" posts are very much in the minority but can be oddly unsettling

Completely agree.

ApplePaltrow · 29/07/2015 15:45

anyfucker

She didn't say her piece and leave. She challenged people to give her facts and then didn't respond.

But I'm not surprised that you feel the need to recharacterize this as bullying. Smile classic derailing.

LazyLohan · 29/07/2015 15:52

AnyFucker, in fairness she accused me of lying and said a lot of nasty bitchy things about me. And when I found a link to the thread did I get an apology? No I fucking didn't. So I think it's a bit much to start whinging that she shouldn't have to take it when she's more than happy to dish it out.

StarlingMurmuration · 29/07/2015 16:00

I'd have a lot more respect for Lweji if she was prepared to post saying "Sorry, I was wrong and also a bit of a dick to several other posters".

Spartans · 29/07/2015 18:37

Wtf?? Some posters are losing the plot over this thread.

lewji calling people liars and saying she remembers things perfectly, and says things didn't happen in threada because she knows better than everyone else....then disappears.

And then any coming on and having a pop at the OP, twice, for having double pop at lewji

I think this thread has hit some raw nerves tbh.

Original poster
SrAssumpta · 29/07/2015 18:54

I think this thread has hit some raw nerves tbh.

100%

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/07/2015 21:22

this thread is just like every thinly veiled attack on a group of MN posters

nothing new to see here...they come up every couple of weeks or so

if you don't like what you see here you have several choices

  1. Challenge at the time on thread where the context is clear

  2. report to HQ if you think someone is goading or you see a pattern of trouble causing

  3. remember that if this forum pisses you off so much there are other forums

  4. start yet another "this group of posters are x, y and z" and start a bunfight, laughingly witnessed by those who get pleasure out of women scratching each other's eyes out

The latter will be the least successful in getting people to agree on a middle ground.

drudgetrudy · 29/07/2015 21:39

This forum is great-there are just sometimes things that do concern me. This thread isn't an attack on anyone it is just discussing alternative points of view( which some people don't seem to like).

As has been said challenging at the time sometimes brings a heap of coals on your head-which is in fact the main concern.
I wasn't aware that any topic for discussion was off limits.

Remember if this thread pisses you off there are other forums-this sounds like "If you don't want to go along with the established view just fuck off".

ApplePaltrow · 29/07/2015 21:47

4) start yet another "this group of posters are x, y and z" and start a bunfight, laughingly witnessed by those who get pleasure out of women scratching each other's eyes out

Can you do anything but play the victim?

That's the problem with encouraging a victim mentality (everyone's an abuser! everyone's a wendy! go NC! the world is out to get you blah blah blah), people are incapable of engaging with facts or logic. They just search for a way to make themselves the victim and rely on sympathy.

It's hardly healthy...

Original poster
SrAssumpta · 30/07/2015 00:29

this thread is just like every thinly veiled attack on a group of MN posters

Surely nobody would be so paranoid and self important to believe that? Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
SrAssumpta · 30/07/2015 00:37

13 pages of differing opinions, discussion, some very good points made from both sides, bit of bun fighting, examples given from all angles, all as a thinly veiled attack on a group of MN posters??

Wow! What group of posters? What an absurd notion Confused

OP posts:
Spartans · 30/07/2015 05:30

thread is just like every thinly veiled attack on a group of MN posters

Yet another line trotted out when a certain group of mnets don't want people discussing certain things.

  1. I have challenged it before but there are particular groups ofnpostersbon MN who like to jump, when certain posters are being challenged. It then detracts from the thread.

  2. I have done that too. Mn can only do so much and what we are discussing makes us uncomfortable but within guidelines so not much they can do either.

  3. a small amount of posters who do this, aren't enough to make me leave. Also anyfucker please do remember that if this thread annoys you so much you don't have to click on it, there are other threads.

  4. the only time this came anywhere close to a Bunfoght is when lewji started calling people liars. Even then it didn't progress into a Bunfight.

Its seems you and lewji are attempting to turn it into a bun fight. I suppose you are hoping it will be deleted. As I said before, it's hit a few raw nerves.

It's not a thinly veiled attack, it's a discussion about some mn posters over using terms and the effect that can have.

WayneRooneysHair · 30/07/2015 06:41

I've challenged some posters viewpoints in the past and I've been jumped on, so I won't be doing it again...

mathanxiety · 30/07/2015 06:48

You are probably right -- it's not a thinly veiled attack.

No thin veil here whatsoever.

mathanxiety · 30/07/2015 06:50

'Can you do anything but play the victim?
That's the problem with encouraging a victim mentality' [ApplePaltrow]

And here we have an attack on women who are victims of abuse who seek help as well as on those who try to help.

Lovely.

mathanxiety · 30/07/2015 06:55

'Nonsense. It's the overuse of these terms that de-sensitise people to genuine abuse and is incredibly damaging for people, not just women who are genuinely being abused.' [WilburIsSomePig]

Baloney.

There was a time not so long ago when nobody spoke of abuse.
We have only seen and heard the tip of the iceberg where abuse is concerned.

The more we use real words for what really happens, the more women will feel comfortable speaking up when it happens to them (us).

Or could you be trying to suggest that people who post looking for help in abusive relationships are not really suffering abuse?

Spartans · 30/07/2015 06:57

Math how has anyone attacked abused women?

I can't believe some mnets insist on trying to silence any discussion they don't like.

Again.....just incase you missed it....no one is saying people should give advice or support abused women.

They are saying that people are misusing the words abuse and controlling

That doing so does not help women who are being abused or controlled (this is the important bit)

That hounding an abused woman to leave and having a go when she isn't ready, is not ok!

That people should think before they tell some one that meal planning is controlling

There is no thinly veiled attack because, there is no attack.

Please do show us where anyone has attacked women or men who are victims of abuse?

Spartans · 30/07/2015 07:01

Math only people who have verbally attacked people are lewji and anyfucker

Lewji called posters liars, because she remembered threads better than them (then it turned out she was wrong)

Anyfucker has questioned people's intelligence and (again) had mutiple pops at the Op for (and this is the best bit) having multiple pops at lewji!

You keep coming back with 'you are attacking victims of abuse' which is entirely incorrect and you are ignoring the fact that the attacks aren't coming from people who agree with the OP.

Spartans · 30/07/2015 07:04

Or could you be trying to suggest that people who post looking for help in abusive relationships are not really suffering abuse

No has said anything remotely like that!

We are talking about people who post mild whines about their relationships, minor things where no one is being abused!

No one has said women who come here looking for advice because they are in an abusive relationship is lying or making it up.

RedDaisyRed · 30/07/2015 07:15

It is a bug bear of mine too. If a 19 year old sleeps with a 15 year he thought was 16 or she wanted it I don't regard that as child abuse and he should go on an offender register and that demeans the word child abuse. Whereas if a stepfather buggers his 5 year old daughter then yes . So by suggesting if your husband calls you fat or he calls you fat or whatever he is abusive and you must leave him it does diminish the power of the word.

The other interesting point is that what one person feels as abuse is water off a duck's back to another, same at work - someone likes to joke around and someone else is dying in a corner any time anyone so much as looks at them. So in life we all have to assume most people are pretty sensitive and be careful not to put our big feet in it.

mathanxiety · 30/07/2015 07:40

[Spartans]
"Math we are clearly talking about the situations where women or men are clearly NOT being abused. Rtft.

Nor are we talking about people seeking advice on the relationships board."

No we are not, Spartans.

Pardon my pedantry, but if there has been a disagreement as to whether abuse is occurring in someone's life (this is after all the topic of the thread -- the OP disagrees that many threads describe abuse) then it is far from 'clear' that women or men are NOT being abused. What is clear is that there is a disagreement.

What you are trying to say is that you are the judge of what is abuse here and what is not. That is not how it works.

This thread is an equal opportunity sledgehammer job on all relationship advice on MN regardless of the board it appears on.

It's a thread about multiple threads concerning relationships, that questions advice given in general, where 'a small amount of posters' are being singled out for their contributions, and it is coming across to me even more than it first did as a concerted effort to pour scorn on the idea that relationships can be abusive and that partners can be controlling. Hence the absurd claim that people are 'throwing around the word abuse etc because someone has had one fall out.'

mathanxiety · 30/07/2015 07:44

'We are talking about people who post mild whines about their relationships, minor things where no one is being abused!'

Do you understand what the phrase 'In My Opinion' means, Spartans?
It means you hold an opinion and acknowledge that others may hold an opinion that disagrees with it.

RedDaisy, go talk to your MP about the law wrt sex offenders.
Thanks for yet another reductio ad absurdum though, about domestic abuse.

mathanxiety · 30/07/2015 07:46

And who is this 'we' that you mention?

You and your mates?