Use of the words abusive and controlling on MN

[SrAssumpta]

Recently there seems to be a surge in the dramatically unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling on here and I really think I've become desensitized to it so I would imagine that's how real victims of abuse or people with genuinely controlling partners would feel too if they came on talking about their relationship, does that make sense?

A woman got told the other day she sounded controlling for making a meal plan ffs, I mean seriously? These words get thrown around now it's going to either lead to everyone thinking they're in abusive relationships or in fact controlling and the people who genuinely need to understand that their relationship isn't normal won't be able to see it because suddenly everybody is abusive or controlling.

Yet another kick in the teeth for women who are being abused and controlled. Thanks OP.

Excuse me? Have you read none of this thread?! The annoyance at such words being carelessly thrown about is so that women in truly abusive relationships can really understand when posters on here try to explain to them that yes unfortunately the relationship is abusive and they would be best to leave. It's an entire thread discussing misusing the words in many many examples shown above, so can you please tell me how this thread is in any way a "kick in the teeth" to victims of abuse because I must say that's not the nicest thing to wake up and read when the entire point of the thread was to spare such words for victims of abuse

*Recently there seems to be a surge in the dramatically unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling on here and I really think I've become desensitized to it so I would imagine that's how real victims of abuse or people with genuinely controlling partners would feel too if they came on talking about their relationship, does that make sense?

A woman got told the other day she sounded controlling for making a meal plan ffs, I mean seriously? These words get thrown around now it's going to either lead to everyone thinking they're in abusive relationships or in fact controlling and the people who genuinely need to understand that their relationship isn't normal won't be able to see it because suddenly everybody is abusive or controlling.*

My OP again, from the beginning I've stated my main concern of the overuse and misuse ARE the real victims of abuse.

The police every minor misdemeanour must be reported to the police

Fantasy land.

On another thread one poster even advised an OP to smack her husband. Seemed serious about it too.

George and drudge, the no contact thing bothers me as well.

There was a thread recently about unidentified bodies. It was very sad and people were wondering how it could happen that people end up with no one knowing where they are or not missing them. Perhaps they had gone no contact with their families (or their families had gone no contact with them) :(

This thread is not a kick in the teeth for anyone who is being abused and controlled, it is a comment on the over-use use of these terms. It is a caution against giving blanket advice in every situation. If someone is being abused they need to get out-but everyone has rows and relationships involve compromise.
It is also a comment on the bullying tone. "Why are you still with him?" "Why are you in contact with these people"? "Oh well, you haven't taken our advice so get lost".

Yet another kick in the teeth for women who are being abused and controlled. Thanks OP.

Seriously?!? You think people discussing the overuse of words like, abuse and controlling and the problems caused by that (I.e. true victims of abuse feeling that people are being over dramatic and using the ridiculous abuse posts on other threads to convince themselves. Or not posting because they don't think they'll get an honest answer - just an abuse response regardless of whether it is or not). Also exploring the guilt tripping people about not leaving their partners because people on the thread have made the decision that the ops partner is abusive - whether or not they are right aggressively trying to force someone to end their relationship doesn't help anyone. It's effectively attacking real victims and upsetting for those who just wanted to vent about a single argument.

Strange how Lweji hasn't been back after being so vocal...

I can't say anything for certain in Jazeeras case either. But I'm not totally convinced it's an impossibility what he is saying isn't true either. When you have people saying that a broken decanter is domestic abuse and suggesting the police as a way of dealing with it I really can see how it could happen as he related. I have seen total over reactions so it wouldn't surprise me a great deal.

There does also seem to be a real tendency to advocate and encourage behaviour in women which would cross the line well into abuse if a man did it. For example, I remember ages ago someone posted and said that they stayed at home while their DH worked very long hours in a strenuous manual job.

He was very big built but not overweight. When he came home he was unsurprisingly very, very hungry. The poster was complaining that it cost too much to feed him. People were telling her she was being financially abused. She was being advised to severely ration food, lock it away and tell him that he could eat no more than she allowed him no matter how hungry he was. That she should dictate what he ate and feed him salads beans and lentils and refuse to let him have meat.

I mean, honestly, could you imagine what would happen if a woman said her husband had complained she ate too much and it cost too much to feed her and started locking food away and dictating what she could eat?

I have seen women encouraged to do some pretty nasty things on her on the flimsiest of pretexts.

Here, not her

There is thread running at the moment in aibu about a couple deciding how to spend inheritance she has recieved.

People said that, because he was a bit shit with money that she should buy a property but not have it in her name so that if they split he isn't entitled to a share of it.

If man had property that he hid to stop his wife getting her share of they divorced he would be called all the names under the sun.

Thearroage wasn't even in trouble.

The marriage isn't in trouble!

LazyLohan - if it's the thread I'm thinking of, the biggest problem was that he would pick out all the meat from leftovers etc., so that anyone else who had to eat it only got the sauce. Yes there were some over-reactions on that thread (if it's the same one) but he was being a selfish greedy bastard as well!

I remember a similar thread in which the OP's daughter kept doing that... I wonder if she was labelled abusive? I'll have to see if I can find that thread.

bumbleymummy, George and drudge

There is an equally worrying trend where posters are insistent that people should put p[ with a huge amount of crap because they are family, as if being family stops it from being wrong.

There is an equally worrying trend where posters are insistent that people should put p[ with a huge amount of crap because they are family, as if being family stops it from being wrong.

Sorry to get all Lwejiy on you but can you share some examples because I've genuinely not come across this?

There is a poster I've seen suggesting that sort of thing in Relationships recently - can't remember the name but I'll have a look, see if I can find an e.g.

Boney like OP, I haven't come across this. But yes that's wrong too. You shouldn't allow a person to treat you like shit just because they happen to be related. And encouraging people to allow it is wrong.

Yet another kick in the teeth for women who are being abused and controlled. Thanks OP.

Nonsense. It's the overuse of these terms that de-sensitise people to genuine abuse and is incredibly damaging for people, not just women who are genuinely being abused.

I definitely don't agree that anyone should put up with shit from people just because they are family-its just the assumption that NC is the only way forward and the categorical comments that the other person is definitely a Narcissist and will never change.
I said earlier that sometimes NC is the only way forward.
It needs to be remembered that sometimes people start a post because they are very distressed after an argument and we are only getting one perspective. Its the over-use of these terms and offering the same advice to everyone that is the issue and also the way in which the experts seem to know the other party better than the OP.

I've had a quick flick back but I can't find the sort of post I've seen - but I have seen them, where the recommendation is to just suck it up because they're faaamly. Followed by "hope your DC never treat you like this" etc., heaping coals of fire onto the OP's head.

I have seen a lot more of the "Go NC and never look back" type posts.

Yes, agreed - the "suck it up cos it's faaamly" posts are very much in the minority but can be oddly unsettling when the OP's post is full of vile abuse that no one should put up with. Quite often, the OP is called "hard work" by the same sort of poster too.

SrAssumpta : Strange how Lweji hasn't been back after being so vocal...

                <span class="italic">Sorry to get all Lwejiy on you but can you share some examples because I've genuinely not come across this?</span>

Is it really necessary to keep repeatedly poking another poster to get a reaction ?

That is twice you have attempted to goad Lweji on this thread, who has probably done what HQ advise which is to say your piece and then leave the thread if you are getting pissed off and liable to escalate an argument.

What is your reasoning behind the multiple pokes ?

What is your reasoning behind the multiple pokes ?

1-Because it is strange.
2- Because I was repeating something a previously poster (Lweji in this case) had said multiple times.