Use of the words abusive and controlling on MN

[SrAssumpta]

Recently there seems to be a surge in the dramatically unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling on here and I really think I've become desensitized to it so I would imagine that's how real victims of abuse or people with genuinely controlling partners would feel too if they came on talking about their relationship, does that make sense?

A woman got told the other day she sounded controlling for making a meal plan ffs, I mean seriously? These words get thrown around now it's going to either lead to everyone thinking they're in abusive relationships or in fact controlling and the people who genuinely need to understand that their relationship isn't normal won't be able to see it because suddenly everybody is abusive or controlling.

Can you prove that MN has helped any woman leave a relationship because she has seen a man who buys cake after date, or a wan who makes a meal plan, abusive?

I obviously don't even want to prove that because I never claimed that. But you can argue idiotic points. It says more about you than about MN or any posters here.

And if you are going to use a thread as an example, then link or remember it correctly.

For me, this is mumsnet at it's worst. Surely it's fine to make a recollection without trawling through threads and providing 'evidence', when we are all adults just having a discussion? If someone accused me of saying something I didn't I might ask where they got that information from, but other than that, it's fine. IMO.

No it's not fine to accuse pps with bad recollections.

For me, this thread is MN at its worst because people just make up "evidence". Don't bother what actually happens.
The case in point, which was the 18 year old who had broken a very expensive item that didn't belong to him was totally misrepresented. I was on the thread from the start and remember it fairly well. Unlike the pp who decided to use it to demonstrate its point. Badly and untruly.
So, if you are going to use threads make sure you have a good recollection of it, and by your standards I was perfectly entitled to make sure it was represented properly because I had been there.

Can I make the suggestion that perhaps posters are capable of seeing more nuances in a situation than people here are giving them credit for?

E.g. spouse comes home from work after crap day and loses temper at something minor.

What matters is not this one-off incident, but what happens afterwards. Does he/she calm down, go find other half, apologise, say "sorry, had a crap day, it was wrong of me to take it out on you"? Or does he/she escalate it into a huge row and go for the "I've had a crap day, now I come home and you make it worse and it's all your fault" option?

The first of these is part of the ups and downs of life and long term relationships, no-one is perfect all the time. The second is a possible indication that you are married to someone who's a bit of a shit. And I think it's perfectly okay to say to someone "you know, there are options out there other than staying married to a bit of a shit!"

My experience of the relationships board is that posters on there are on the whole perfectly capable of seeing this sort of nuance, and when they say "LTB" it is generally because the partner is being a bit of a shit. (Whether out of malice, carelessness or simple laziness doesn't matter - being married to a shit is miserable whatever their motivations. If there was one piece of advice I'd give the younger me it's "It doesn't matter why he's doing this. Don't waste your time and emotional energy trying to get inside his head. What matters is whether his behaviour is acceptable - and if it isn't, you should walk away.")

As you said you aren't sure whether someone said call the police. So you aren't sure.

I didn't say that.
What I did say was that there was no demand from "people" for the OP to call the police. I just wasn't sure if one or two rogue pps might have demanded it. There are always twats in threads...
Calling the police was mentioned as a possibility. I am sure of that.

I'm not surprised that people get the wrong idea when they can't even read posts properly.

What a waste of a morning some of you have had!

I think there is a danger that unqualified posters will ramp up marital tensions and justify unacceptable behaviour from women, simply because they think that female posters are always right and must be supported come what may.. For example see the extract from a previous thread below...

''OP, I posted on your other thread. Please don't think ill of yourself because you slapped him, I think anyone would lash out when verbally assaulted like that. You don't need him, you really don't.''

This was from page 3 of the following thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1766795-Just-been-called-fat-and-ugly-and-a-failure-by-DH?pg=3

lewji since you are so amazing at reading, can you provide the links you have been asked for?

luc the op pointed out we are talking about relationships board.

Yes there can be nuances however those nuances can often be filled in by posters past experiences and not always correctly.

That's the problem. Interpreting is very difficult to do without prejudicing it.

lewji why do you keep insisting I am making up? I think that's a bit off to be honest . As is referring to posters as 'it'

I also remember the thread well, several other people here also remember it. It has been quoted a few times, by people disagreeing with you.

Calling me a liar and it, will not change my opinion. Just like I wont change yours.

And enjoying I have a had a very productive morning. Gym, accounts and hair dressers so far. Not sure what you are getting at.

Again, Lweji, you're basically claiming/assuming that your memory of the thread is more accurate than other posters, all of whime think you are representing that thread incorrectly. Why are you so sure you're right? Can't you even consider the possibility that your memory might be the faulty one? And that perhaps you're the one presenting things "badly and unruly"?

Without the thread, none of us can say for sure at we are remembering things accurately. Surely you can agree with that? And acknowledge that the posters who remember things differently to you aren't posting in bad faith, as you seem to think?

*all of whom

StarlingMurmuration why don't you check the thread?

There's actually a thread running on relationships at the moment and a LOT of posters have experiences of narcissistic exes and mothers, I wonder have the people in question been diagnosed or is this something that people come up with themselves from Google etc?

I used to have a housemate who I was certain was a compulsive liar but I wouldn't be qualified to actually diagnose obviously. Is narc just a word now or are people being diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder?

justify unacceptable behaviour from women, simply because they think that female posters are always right and must be supported come what may.. For example see the extract from a previous thread below...

''OP, I posted on your other thread. Please don't think ill of yourself because you slapped him, I think anyone would lash out when verbally assaulted like that. You don't need him, you really don't.''

I don't think I can express enough shock at that! How could anyone say that. Just imagine that statement in reverse. If the woman had been verbally abusive or nasty to DH and he'd hit her in response, then said he felt bad that he had lost his temper, everybody would be saying what an abusive twat he was and how there is never any excuse to physically attack someone else. Then would say the woman needs to ltb and run for the hills.

Very true WhyOWhy.

I believe that in most threads any comment like that about the slap would be criticised.
I imagine many pps will have criticise the OP in that thread about slapping whoever.
But... one comment doesn't represent MN.
There are enough sexist pigs around, with sexist comments, and they don't represent MN either. :)

But nobody is saying that is represents the whole of MN Lweji, we're just saying that these examples do happen quite a lot and there has been numerous examples given.

Because no-one can find the thread in question, Ljewi! Have you not been following along!? If you have managed to find it again, please do link to it!

I'm not surprised that people get the wrong idea when they can't even read posts properly.

Well, quite.

How many comments must there be before it becomes a trend, though?

Why haven't you posted a thread about sexist comments for example? Or excusing abuse?
I find those more serious.

I admit I didn't read all the comments back about the other thread. But the ones I read I read properly. :)

I shouldn't have to have the work to find it, as I didn't mention it in the first place, but will look it up. Although it might have been deleted or in one of the 30 day boards.

^Why haven't you posted a thread about sexist comments for example? Or excusing abuse?
I find those more serious.^

Then start a thread about it
What an odd question, there are many things more serious going on in the world than the topics I have started threads about, I wasn't aware there were thread starting guidelines

I think whoever makes claims to know what's in a thread should be prepared to back them up, regardless of who mentioned it first, tbh.

Found it!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2424800-Can-i-just-check-that-ainbu?pg=4&order=

And I quote:

If the teen has committed criminal damage, then report them to the police

Lweji: ^It could well be considered domestic violence.

Don't you think it goes under criminal damage?

I do think the police should give it due importance.^

Lweji, you said he should have to beg not to be reported to the police. You said it was domestic violence.

The OP said: And look, really, I just couldn't categorise this in the domestic violence category- honestly I wouldn't.

And you said: You wouldn't. It doesn't mean it isn't.

OP: If it's a one off I'm sure it's not abuse, surely?

Lweji: ^It is.

If he hit you once, it would still be abuse.
He has damaged your property on purpose and has offered no compensation. No real regret.^

Detective Inspector Lohan