To think whole-class birthday parties should be banned?

[FishCanFly]

Done to death threads in this forum. People always complaining about either having to invite unwanted guests and face fallout, or somebody getting excluded.
Its not an official school event, so it should be organized privately. Or am i missing the point?

No, no, they are fun whole class party types often have wine for parents, too. It's the six kids plus one parent each in someone's sitting room perched awkwardly on an armrest trying to be entertained but terminally bored parties I worry about.

I think birthday parties are a minefield - often you can do right for doing wrong...
Networking - maybe ...but when you don't know anyone it is fair enough (and if you go along you can network too - I met most of the mums when DD1 started primary at another child's whole class party)
We only had a max of 26 in our class so not actually that many - I think that makes a difference.
And so true about the children always left out. DD1 joined the group late - she rarely got invited to parties and sometimes it was a surprise (not invited by someone she was friendly with - at the time I didn't understand but actually through DD2 I think I do much better now.)
We had whole class parties in Yr1 and 2 - they are still establishing friendships then - and especially for DD1 in year 1 neither she, nor I knew anyone! and then she had all the girls (11) parties up to leaving primary.

My DD2 has know most of the other children since she was a baby and is a bit of a social butterfly - she had whole class parties for 2 years and then two years ago I tried to organise a party for just the children she wanted to invite...and it turned into a nightmare. She wanted to invite 2 boys she played with all the time and then a group of girls. If I just invited those girls then 2 girls would have been excluded -so I invited them too. She fell out with one of the boys two weeks before her party and wouldn't invite him. So the boy would be the only one - so I invited another to keep him company - but that boy was really friendly with another one - so I invited the both of them. Then at the last minute she had made up with the boy she played with and decided she did want to invite him. Which meant at the end of the day 5 children weren't invited (the 3 naughtiest boys, a quiet one - all often get left out from party invites - and finally the most popular boy -which made it slightly better). This year it was all the girls because otherwise there would again be 2-3 excluded.
Apart from those there are 3-4 others she doesn't actually really play with anymore -plays with others more but I know their parents very well - they used to play together as babies/toddlers. So it would be awkward really for me not to invite them -and she gets invited to their parties. She would think it odd not to invite them. Which is what I think happened with DD1 - if they could only have smaller parties other children would take priority. (If I had to limited numbers I would find it hard not to invite her toddler friends -and may invite them above someone she played with more...)

I also said no presents (for which I've been flamed for on here) -but I gave mine the choice - a biggish party and no presents or a small one and presents -and they have chosen the big parties.
But it is an absolute nightmare ...so happy when they get to secondary and they more or less organise their parties ....

DD had formed very good friendships at her creche until we relocated at 5, she had two best friends who she played with all the time so I don't understand this 'their friend changes every other week' etc

I had a whole class party at our house for DD's 5th birthday as we had just moved 200 miles and knew no one bar family. It was hell, never ever fucking again and I don't think DD enjoyed it that much either.

The following year we invited a handful to a soft play which was great apart from one mum kicking up a stink because we had only invited on of her twin's (DD wasn't friends with the other twin) so we had to invite him as well.

The best party was DD's 7th birthday as it was a shared birthday party with another girl as I got to share the load with another parent and it halved the cost

I think that people have a lot of money!
We had perfectly nice parties at home with a few children until they were 7 yrs- enjoyable and didn't cost much.

We did a whole class party in reception, but after that, once friendship groups were made, it was just close friends.

I don't get the networking comments. What benefits could I possibly get from 'networking' with a bunch of SAHP's. The party is for my child to celebrate his birthday, not for me to stand around gossiping with a load of parents who I probably have bugger all in common with. If I want to network, I do it through my professional life.

Someone is really over-thinking this - it's a kids party for goodness sake.

My DD is only 2,but I'm dreading school - around here there's average of 25 kids per class. That means every other week on average there's a child's birthday party to attend. And that means a present, card and gift wrap - say £10 minimum. That's £240 per year on other peoples kids who you don't know or love, and your child probably doesn't know.

I didn't get all the presents from my birthday parties. Some were recycled as presents for other children. This is one solution, though I think some may consider it tantamount to child abuse. Another idea is to keep an eye out for good deals throughout the year and buy even when you don't have a specific child in mind.

I don't understand the 'networking' either and I was a SAHM. The children make their own friends. I made friends sometimes through them. After the age of 5 it was impossible for me to impose my friend's children on them.

Aged 1 yr- didn't need parties- just a family tea with grandparents.
Aged 2and 3yrs a party with my friends and their children of a similar age - all stayed and children just played with the attempt at an odd game.
Aged 4 and 5 yrs - small party at home 10 maximum - parents left unless they had a child who wouldn't settle.
Aged 6 - 9 yrs various things eg swimming, sports hall,bowling, climbing wall but never more than 12 children - or taking 2 or 3 children out to theme park or similar.
10 yrs and after - a couple of friends out somewhere.
Worked fine - pleasant for all- including us as parents.

As a Y1 and reception TA, I prefer it when children have whole class parties. We tell parents at the start of the year that we are willing to hand out invitations if they are given to us discretely, and then it takes me all of about 3 minutes to put them directly into book bags so that children can't see if they have an exciting envelope with their name on it until they get home.

There's always plenty of other stuff that has to be put in book bags anyway, so it really makes no difference to add an invitation as well. It works much better that way, and I find it really horrible on the few occasions that parents ignore us and hand out invitations in the playground before school and then some children come in happily clutching their invitation while others are left wondering why they didn't get one. It's us that have to deal with it, and it's just so selfish. Have a small party if you want, but don't wave it in the faces of four and five year old children, parties are a very big deal when you're little!

When parents do whole class parties and we know that everyone has an invitation, we can let children talk about it so much more easily knowing that of child has been left out, and they often do want to talk about these things when children are sharing their weekend news or if it's their birthday and they're at the front if the class to have happy birthday sung to them. If it's a smaller party we try and avoid the party topic as far as possible to avoid some children feeling left out and so that we don't have to answer the inevitable questions about why so and so didn't get an invitation.

"My DD is only 2,but I'm dreading school - around here there's average of 25 kids per class. That means every other week on average there's a child's birthday party to attend. And that means a present, card and gift wrap - say £10 minimum. That's £240 per year on other peoples kids who you don't know or love, and your child probably doesn't know"

What an odd approach!

If I thought about school parties at all when DS was 2, it would have been hoping he enjoyed them and looking forward to it, not worrying about money (and I am a student parent so money is very tight!)

It doesn't need to cost anywhere near £250 anyway.

For a start it's very unlikely your child will get 25 invites a year. Not everyone will have whole class parties, some won't have a party with school friends at all.

Also you really don't need to spend £10.

I keep a present box, and when I see bargains I buy them for the box. I also put in any unwanted gifts we get, including and doubles we get - so I often have something already. (And what doesn't get used at parties usually gets used at Christmas.)

The Book People are great for example. I got a set of 10 Julia Donaldson books for about £10 IIRC, they made great presents, together with a little something extra.

If you're short if time Argos's 2 for 15 is worth a look, get one for the birthday child and one for the presemt box. If it's a good bargain I get 2 the same.

Sports Direct do two pretty decent and cool-looking football for £6 (or £4 for one). DS's 5 year old friend was really happy when he got one!

If you are buying for the present box (or stocling up for Christmas) sales and bulk buying on eBay are the way to go IMO.

These are great for example Snap on animal bracelets

We got them as party bag gifts. They're about 2 or 3 quid in the shops but not much more than 50p if you buy several from eBay. Kids love them.

I might give a reception class child 2 Book People books and one of those bracelets. It would be IMO a decent present costing about £2.50.

I thought from MN that DC would get invited to heaps of parties; Wrong. Maybe 3-4 yr/avg in Reception-yr1 & max. one per yr afterwards. MN is not real life.

Surely the "never go" children still get invited to their best friends parties?

Not if child has no best friend. Or any friends.

I don't mind all-class parties. Better to not be invited when you're not really wanted and no pressure to have them myself. Better that school puts invites in bookbags than it being very obvious in the playground who isn't invited.

Lol! My child has a whole year party!

Has nothing to do with networking or anything else... Simply the only way I feel comfortable with soft play is tohire the place exclusively as my DS has autism and I'm only happy with him being around kids who know.

So we invited the whole em year, and donate the money to charity.

There are some kids who I don't know so well, but I am absolutely not going to Let there be one child left out. My ds knows how that feels only too well.

It has nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with our family dynamics.

Book People are still doing 10 Julia Donaldson books for £10

It's fairly standard at my DC's school to have whole class parties. I do it because it's easier for me. Everyone is invited, there's no ruffled feathers or tears, people can accept or decline (entirely up to them and no skin off my nose) and the children have a good time.

From P3 onwards smaller parties are the norm, as the children are old enough to do something a bit more interesting (e.g- climbing wall). DS wants an all boy party this year, which imo is fine as the girls have been doing all girls parties already.

I don't do all class parties to network or to ensure my child is invited back to everyone else's. Tbh, I have better things to do at the weekend than ferry my children to parties, but it's just part of the deal in the early years. It's nice to see other parents and maybe meet people who you don't see at the school gate every day for whatever reason. The children get to run around and let off steam. Job done!

As for teachers handing out invitations, it's up to the school to make it clear what they are or aren't prepared to do. Ours will put invitations in book bags only if every child in the class is invited. We also have an email distribution list which we can use too and that's useful when you don't see everyone at the gate.

So, YABU OP. You don't have to have a whole class party (plenty of people don't) or even accept any invitations. However, you don't get to dictate what everyone else does.

Agree with you Mehitabel6 and I am still a SAHM. My 2 teenagers never had a whole class party and attended only a few of those on offer. Pp are right in supposing invites dropped off as a result. They are far more resilient as teenage DDs than those who are guaging their popularity by party invites and FB likes.

Now I am doing it all again with the 3 year old my approach is pretty much what Piper said.

When they are 5 you want them to be friends with everyone but your attitude may well change when they are 12. It does no harm to start laying the groundwork for expecting DC to make friendship choices.

My DD started reception barely knowing anyone and with me hardly knowing any parents as I worked full time and she went to full time child care a little way away and hadn't been to the local preschool etc

She was the oldest in the class. We invited the whole class to her party (plus friends and cousins). My rationale was I had no idea who most of the children were but didn't want any reception mum to feel her DC had been left out of the first ever school party.

Can't believe anyone should think I should have been banned from holding that party!

If you read a current thread about 3 children being excluded from a party (at Y6!) You would realise that whole class parties can be the only thing to do. I am a teacher and would rather spend 5 minutes ensuring that all party invites get distributed. You either invite all or half/third or whatever.
I think the 'networking mothers' are the ones who deliberately exclude according to their social climbing instincts.

How the actual feck are you going to 'ban' whole class parties? Pass legislation? We live in a free country in general.....

In terms of teachers handing out invites whatever but I would imagine less upset is caused than if the children do it themselves. But if not fine, I see your point. As for parents making an appointment with the HT gawd you people need the patience of saints ......

There is no way that you can ban them- or that you should want to.
I am just shocked at the angst they cause everyone and that many adults, judging by the other thread, think it perfectly acceptable to deliberately miss one or two children out.

My DS is only two, so I've still got more of this to come, but It seems to me that those who say that a party at home is the only/best way to go clearly have a bigger house than me (and many others).

I could fit one child + parent in our front room or possibly 2 + carers in the garden. As a result, for DS's last two birthdays we've hired a hall. At that point it is the more the merrier as we have the space!

How the actual feck are you going to 'ban' whole class parties? Pass legislation? We live in a free country in general.....
I see my thread is a hit. Just finish the reading. I did not mean banning people from having them. Just i think they should be parents' and children's own responsibility, off the school. Do it via facebook, whatever. Spare the school staff.

We don't do whole class for a few reasons. My DC have friends who go to different schools or are in different years, plus there are relatives. It would be extremely awkward to have whole class plus some complete outsiders. Not to mention expensive.
As for exclusion, i would certainly exclude some "rotten eggs" -- kids that not only my DC can't stand, but even I as an adult can't stand.

Ive never seen the point of whole class parties...it seems such a waste of money and a lot of stress to entertain children that my kids don't necessarily get on with!
I've always said they can have two or three good friends over, and we can go for a great somewhere and have tea out or at home. That has always worked well because they were with people they liked. My kids have been to others parties where it always seems like the jealousies and behaviour that happens at school spills over to the party setting, and someone always ends up in tears. Why put yourself or your kids through that? It smacks of popularity contests, to me.

lol fish that was the title

Just i think they should be parents' and children's own responsibility, off the school. Do it via facebook, whatever. Spare the school staff

single parent. Works full time. As a teacher. No contact with other parents whatsoever as I drop off for breakfast club early and pick up from afterschool club late. My Facebook usage is tightly locked down for professional reasons and I don't add just anyone as friends. Fortunately, school staff have been willing to put invites in bags for me and as the children have got older, they have been able to do it themselves.

Perhaps my children shouldn't be allowed parties?!

I see my thread is a hit.

Am having a whole class party for DS. No wondering if I need to put a grip in the party bag, in case any of the parents are offended by the invite......