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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think whole-class birthday parties should be banned?

182 replies

FishCanFly · 25/07/2015 19:49

Done to death threads in this forum. People always complaining about either having to invite unwanted guests and face fallout, or somebody getting excluded.
Its not an official school event, so it should be organized privately. Or am i missing the point?

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 00:24

For nursery, yes. She's 2 FFS not 12. But if that makes me selfish then meh.

Can you not understand that people don't want to go to 20 parties a year, it's expensive, time consuming a brings a whole host of politics into schooling. Maybe it's not that people "can't be arsed" it's because they can't or don't want to for many reasons. I don't see the problem with parents just inviting the friends of their children. It's not like it's whole class party or nothing, and attending say 5 parties a year rather than 20 is hardly missing out.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 00:27

reni I know I wouldn't have to invite back but I still don't see the need of going to parties of children she barely knows - if she asked I'd of course say yes. But at age 2 I don't think I'll be doing any long term damage. It's not like I lock her in a cellar instead

NickiFury · 26/07/2015 00:27

I don't know anyone that goes to twenty parties a year, it doesn't work like that. You go up some, you don't go to others you have other stuff on. I wouldn't worry too much though the invites will soon dry up if you never let her go to a single one.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 00:30

Why, do people put out a newsletter stating which children attend and which don't? Am I on the nursery shit list? How presumptuous! Hmm
The 20 parties is on the principle that whole class parties are the "done thing".

Lashalicious · 26/07/2015 00:32

Well done, Welsh! You sound like a great mother and a fine human as well.

My son almost always wants to invite his whole class and they have a blast. They are all friends. He has six or seven close friends but is good friends with all of them. He will be in the fifth grade this fall, so he hasn't encountered any cliques yet. There was a bully in his class two years ago but he got expelled for bullying several children and hitting one of them. I can see older kids having smaller parties when their circle of friends naturally become closer.

reni1 · 26/07/2015 00:35

Piper, at age 2 this is of course not yet relevant. Out of 30 we had maybe 10 whole class parties plus 5 others, so yes, a bit of s done thing, but by no means all. But yes, the never attendees become obvious quickly. By not ever being there for starters. In our neck of the woods some of these parties are parties for the parents, too. I've made some lovely friends and so has dd.

NickiFury · 26/07/2015 00:35

There's a girl in dd's class who doesn't go to any parties, ever. They're in Year 3 now. No one invites her anymore because there's no point.

Attending 20 parties is not the done thing, we certainly don't. You're using something that doesn't happen as a reason to go to none at all. Anyway though it's completely up to you how you conduct your own child's social life so I will say no more.

kaftanlady · 26/07/2015 00:39

We had whole class parties. You pay for a minimum of 26 for parties at the sports centre near us - and it's very reasonable - so you might as well invite the whole class - why not?

There was no agenda for us, it just seemed a nice thing to do - especially as DS is only little and extracting a reliable list of friends from him would be difficult!

As he gets older (and gets fed up with the sports centre birthdays) we'll do something smaller I guess.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 00:41

Nicki you seem to have a very good knowledge of your DDs classmates invite list - are you absolutely sure the Yr 3 girl is never invited to any party - not even that of her close friends? Does that means the parents of her close friends say "well you may want her at your party dear but no one invites that girl so it's a no"? I don't mean to be pernickety but as you said about my statement, it's probably something that doesn't actually happen. And I guess my point is that not going to every party you're invited to wont turn you into a social pariah and it smacks a little of scaremongering

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 00:43

For people who do do class parties: what if your DD or DS doesn't get along with one child or is bullied by them? Do they get invited?

reni1 · 26/07/2015 00:43

Not going to ANY party will turn you into a never invitee though, piper.

reni1 · 26/07/2015 00:44

We had no bullies yet, I would exclude a bully from a party though.

NickiFury · 26/07/2015 00:44

Yes I am sure, because she's dd's best friend conveniently, so I get to know this stuff.

Not scaremongering at all, I think it's selfish not to make a small amount of effort but I guess we should just agree to disagree on that.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 00:45

reni just for class parties though? That kinda defeats the point of a class party. Surely the "never go" children still get invited to their best friends parties? Sorry for being a bit of a twat picky but it just seems flawed logic.

NickiFury · 26/07/2015 00:45

Everyone got invited yes, dd gets on with most of them though and I kept a close eye on those she didn't. There were no incidents.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 00:46

So you wouldn't invite her to your DDs party if she had one Nicki?

It may be a small effort to you, but it may mean a big effort to others - you never know anyone's personal situation.

NickiFury · 26/07/2015 00:49

I would, yes because she's dd's best friend but she hasn't come for the last three years and I know for a fact that other parents don't bother because "she's not allowed to go to parties". Do you think I am making this up? I'm really not, though I guess trying to pick holes on my experience might make you feel more justified in your choices on your dd's behalf.

reni1 · 26/07/2015 00:51

Well, piper if you go to parties of friends (I understood you won't go to any?), some of them are bound to be whole class gigs. "Friend" is a weekly honorary title at age 4 for many, her besties are only now slowly becoming clear at age 7 and still subject to change.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 01:00

So it's not quite true that she doesn't get invited to parties? I'm don't think you're making it up at all, I just think you're making an off the cuff assumption that this girl is an eternal outcast to back up your argument. Really, only her parents know where she's been and been invited to (btw could she be a JW?)

And despite your PA last comment I feel perfectly happy with the choices my DH and I (don't forget he's a parent too) make for our DD. I think it's a bit ridiculous that some of the messages of this thread imply that a) parents are selfish if they don't want to go to every class party and b) if you don't "make the effort" you are depriving your children and subjecting them to a life of an outcast for which they'll resent you for in the future.

I'm not saying it's wrong to attend a party. My opinion is that inviting the whole class - not because your child is friends with the entire class, but just because you think, for whatever reason, that its a good idea - is excessive and puts unnecessary pressure on people and creates politics and hostility. I have never attended a party DD has been invited to from nursery as I never recognised the children's names, always had something else on and feel that she's young enough that she won't pick up on it, so I can "afford" to miss it without her being upset by it. I'm sure she'll grow up to be as sociable and happy as her attending peers nonetheless

Murfles · 26/07/2015 01:01

I had three mothers ask for appointments with me to ask why their children hadn't been invited to so and so's party

Wtf! For one person to arrange a meeting with a teacher about something like this is strange, but for three! What exactly were the parents planning to say to this poor teacher? Bizarre

I have no idea. I'm a Headteacher and they obviously thought I could have some bearing on their children going to a party. Three people's children hadn't been invited to the party and they were obviously annoyed at not being invited. The party in question invited 5 children from a class of 25 btw. Some parents are simply OTT regarding party invites. I don't have time to have meetings regarding parties FFS.

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 01:02

reni when did I say I wouldn't take her to friends parties? Confused Of course I would. I wouldn't be doing the whole class party myself though.

reni1 · 26/07/2015 01:10

Piper it might be a bad idea for you and your dd or her class at her age/ your circumstance/ preference/ local customs. It is a good thing for us, has worked well for three years.

I think they are fun, not compulsory to attend and they have created no trouble at all, political or otherwise. People come or don't, some do and some don't spend money or effort on presents or cards and I'll do it again next year.

NickiFury · 26/07/2015 01:13

Well seeing as I am on the ground here so to speak and know this child and her parent well I can safely say you're wrong, but it's ok I really don't feel that I need to convince you of that, the way you keep trying to convince me I can't possibly be right about her Smile.

I did not say you were selfish for not going to every party, you said you take her to none, because you can't be arsed. I do think it is depriving your child to take her to no parties at all, which is what you said, you're now saying that you do take her to friends parties though, and yes I think you will stop receiving invites on her behalf if you don't ever take her to any. I have seen this happen. You're using far more emotive language e.g "outcast" than I am though and I am not sure why that is? You seem to feel that you have to strenuously defend your choices. You don't. You posted your opinion and I posted mine, that's as far as it goes for me.

NickiFury · 26/07/2015 01:16

Same here Reni1. We get quite a lot out of them. I'm not a massively social person but it's nice to have a chat with other parents and the kids have a fantastic time most importantly. I never would have imagined myself doing the whole class party thing either but dd asked so I did and it was fine. I don't recognise any of the gripes on here, I really don't and I have been doing this for seven years!

PiperChapstick · 26/07/2015 01:19

reni1 maybe I have been spending too much time on MN - if I'm to believe the many threads I've read about school politics then if you don't throw a class party, you'll get egged on the school run and grassed on to the HT, a thread on the Internet will be started about what a bitch you are, and come the day of the party 80% of attendees will be a no-show and the absolute worst thing that could happen is someone doesn't show up with present which is a cardinal parent sin to which the minimimum punishment is being forever banished from the school gate pick-up Grin. So it's a bit Shock to hear all is rosey in some parts of the school world Wink

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