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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you'd have given her money?

135 replies

pickingstrawberries · 25/07/2015 15:33

I just had to get some bleach and other cleaning materials as we had ran out and went to wilkinsons, which isn't in a very nice part of town here.

As I was getting out of the car a woman came up to me and said 'excuse me, I'm not going to threaten you or anything, don't look so terrified!' I was Hmm as I didn't look terrified, just a bit puzzled, and then she came up with this long story about how she was lost and stranded and needed 90p.

I didn't have any change on me anyway, and I didn't want to get my purse out or start faffing around (also had baby DD with me) and she just went away. She looked really scruffy and unkempt.

I feel as if I should have given her money - was I wrong?

OP posts:
iniquity · 26/07/2015 05:49

I've had this a lot. I know its most likely s lie but if I have change I normally give.
There was one time someone asked me how to get to somewhere. It was pouring with rain. Inevitably he wanted the bus fare too. How could I say no.
Another time rather bizarrely in the financial district of London an extremely well groomed young gentlemen asked me for a couple of quid to get home. He showed me all his flashy security badges.

Boglin · 26/07/2015 06:02

There's a woman who does this near where I work. She tried to tap me up twice in one day once, she didn't get anything either time.

SilverNightFairy · 26/07/2015 06:09

I would have been frightened by the approach this woman used. If I had change in my pocket I would have given it to her and hurried myself and child into the store.

I tend towards the giving approach. If someone is desperate enough to ask a perfect stranger for money that indicates to me, a real need. If I can spare some coins, I will.

southeastdweller · 26/07/2015 06:46

No. I get asked every day in London (sometimes more than once like yesterday) but refuse every time. Actually I don't refuse, I just blank them, like chuggers. No interest in them or their lives, really.

dangerrabbit · 26/07/2015 07:19

One time I was coming out of a station in zone 2 and was approached by a guy who told me some sob story or other then asked me if he could borrow my phone to make a call. I couldn't help but grin at the ridiculousness of his story then I was like no. He actually smiled as well at my reaction before disappearing into the night to try his scam on some other sucker.

From time to time I do give beggars money, my approach is rather inconsistent and depends on what mood I'm in. As I live in London I tend towards not giving rather than giving because the sheer volume of beggars makes me hardened. I rarely give when people spin me these fake stories through.

I do still remember being approached by what I now realise was a druggie in sainsburys in camden back when I was in my teens and hadn't yet developed my hard shell. She had £20 sainsburys vouchers and wanted to swap for £15 cash. I was hard up for money myself so the transaction worked for me but she was so insistent and rather aggressive about getting the cash that it sort of freaked me out a bit even though I did swap. I often wonder what became of her when I'm in the area.

CuttedUpPear · 26/07/2015 08:10

Years ago I was on the tube and my bf got off a few stops before me. After the doors had closed behind him I remembered that he had all our money on him.

In those days you could pay for your ticket on leaving the station.

So I had to ask people on the platform for my fare.

The third person I asked gave it to me but it was quite worrying at the time.

So there you go - a genuine fare-begger (beggar?) Smile

ilovesooty · 26/07/2015 09:02

I'm not going to criticise anyone for feeling intimidated or choosing not to give money, but some of the comments on this thread are absolutely horrible.

However you feel about their lifestyle the individuals under discussion are people.

TheCatsMother99 · 26/07/2015 09:04

It's just another form of begging, a story made up to make some money.

Would you have given money to someone who was sitting on the floor asking for money via a cardboard sign? If the answer is yes then you should/could have given her money. If the answer is no then you shouldn't have.

kali110 · 26/07/2015 09:34

Lazy is that true about the police?how do you know that?

ncterrornc · 26/07/2015 09:45

No. Last year a man asked me for £1.80 to get home to a named place. He was very sheepish and seemed genuinely embarrassed. I gave him it... then he asked me again the next week. I was furious and reported him to the station staff.

About six months later I heaed him using the same line with a schoolboy of about 13. I stopped and made him give the boy his money back. The boy was absolutely terrified and had handed over his own fare and would not have been able to get home.

The man was furious and shouted at me in the station. Whilst I feel genuinely sorrt that some people have to aak for money I couldn't let him con the boy.

churchfield · 26/07/2015 09:49

I agree sooty. I think the op needs to think about how she'd feel if her precious baby Hmm one day needed to beg for 90p, how would she feel then?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 26/07/2015 09:57

Probably not. I had a woman the other day who looked really scruffy and unkempt with her trousers falling down ask me for 40p, then literally she turned her back to me, turned back and spun the exact same story to me asking for 40p. I said 'you just asked me'.

In any case, I very rarely carry cash as I always use my card. These people need chip and pin machines now a days Grin

Gabilan · 26/07/2015 10:03

"I just blank them, like chuggers"

I make eye contact and say "no, sorry". There is a chance they're scammers, which is why I don't give. There's also a good chance they're desperate and down on their luck so I figure the least I can do is acknowledge their existence rather than make a desperate person feel invisible as well.

ilovesooty · 26/07/2015 10:08

*churchfield I was more concerned about posts subsequent to the OP really.
Some of these posts talk about addicts as some kind of sub human species. I'm also appalled that one person has been clearly identified by name and location. That person is a vulnerable adult.

churchfield · 26/07/2015 10:13

I thought the op sounded like a horrible little snob curling her nose in distaste and wanting to be on the 'nice' part of town Hmm maybe her baby will live there one day, who knows? And yes I think people forget these are human beings!

Original poster
pickingstrawberries · 26/07/2015 10:43

I am not a 'horrible little snob.' I was holding a very new baby and was a bit intimidated because someone said I looked 'terrified' when I didn't and wanted me to hand money over.

Do you want to identify the parts where I sound like a 'snob'?

OP posts:
Gabilan · 26/07/2015 11:05

Sometimes it helps to remember that the OP is also an actual human being.

It's one thing to say that a statement comes across as snobbish, another to call someone a horrible little snob.

kali110 · 26/07/2015 11:18

No i probably wouldn't. I have in the past however i v been really skint in last 2 years after been severly ill, though i don't look it.
I don't always look them in the eye. It's not because im a snob it's because i have trouble saying no to people so i always end up giving money or get drawn into a conversation with chuggers Angry

southeastdweller · 26/07/2015 11:24

"I make eye contact and say "no, sorry".

Good for you.

TheRealMaryMillington · 26/07/2015 11:26

I usually do give money if people ask, because even if their story isn't "genuine" I can believe that anyone who has to ask strangers for money is desperate in some way. And I always think, that's someone's baby, be kind.

In the specific situation of having my baby in my arms and needing to get my handbag open and purse out, one-handed I think that I might not, unless I had some change handy in my pocket.

maxxytoe · 26/07/2015 11:33

you don't sound like a snob at all pickingstrawberries

I'd be pissed off if someone tried using that line on me whilst i was with my newborn baby.
I swear they must think were stupid some of the stories I've heard anyway

lilac26 · 26/07/2015 11:47

*But that 'skanky toothed' person was once the delicate new creature you want to protect. Maybe they had a Mum like you that protected them and loved them and despite all that positive intervention they became addicted to something.

Or maybe they had no-one that loved and protected them. Maybe their life was so awful that they ended up begging a few pence from strangers.*

Beautifully written, and makes a very good point very clearly.

lilac26 · 26/07/2015 11:47

Bold fail :(

ListenWillYou · 26/07/2015 11:48

The problem with giving to beggars on the street (or on Mumsnet Hmm) is that it encourages more people to beg. Giving money is worse than giving food but I don't think it's a good idea to give either.

If you want to give to needy people then you should do it through a charity or give it directly to someone you know is actually in need.

I find the presence of beggars unsettling and, sometimes intimidating. Beggars target vulnerable people.

I think it's irresponsible to give money directly.

Did anyone see the BBC documentary on beggars and street children .

If you feel guilty if you don't give a beggar any money then make sure you donate that money to a legit charity.

ListenWillYou · 26/07/2015 11:53

HERE is a Recent Telegraph article about a survey that found only 5 of 52 Nottingham beggars were actually homeless.
Surely it's better to give money directly to a charity that targets people who are homeless?