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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you'd have given her money?

135 replies

pickingstrawberries · 25/07/2015 15:33

I just had to get some bleach and other cleaning materials as we had ran out and went to wilkinsons, which isn't in a very nice part of town here.

As I was getting out of the car a woman came up to me and said 'excuse me, I'm not going to threaten you or anything, don't look so terrified!' I was Hmm as I didn't look terrified, just a bit puzzled, and then she came up with this long story about how she was lost and stranded and needed 90p.

I didn't have any change on me anyway, and I didn't want to get my purse out or start faffing around (also had baby DD with me) and she just went away. She looked really scruffy and unkempt.

I feel as if I should have given her money - was I wrong?

OP posts:
ILovedYouYesterday · 25/07/2015 16:27

*'excuse me, I'm not going to threaten you or anything, don't look so terrified!'

That's a line. You're supposed to be all oh no of course I'm not scared and give them some money to prove it. Sorry, but no, don't believe a word of whatever story followed that - you did the right thing.*

Yes, to this. I was at a train station, looking at the timetable (had a toddler with me) and a man was suddenly right over my shoulder with a very similar tale and, tbh, he did give me a fright. Once I calmed down, I was more cross about it than scared but it wasn't a pleasant experience.

If someone is genuinely stranded (had their bag stolen, or whatever) there are better ways to get home than by approaching strangers, especially people with little children with them.

Myname15 · 25/07/2015 16:30

I have done that for two reasons. Once for a bus fare, several times for heroin.
Tbh, I give money to people quite often now I'm clean, as I agree that if people need to ask they're in a shit situation and I know how desperate they feel - it is absolutely horrendous. But also, I really don't like people approaching me as its often quite intimidating, esp as you had your kid.
Plus, if you beg some people go out of their way to insult or even assault you, and she was probably releaved you didn't blank her or give her a bollocking.
It's lovely you have compassion. Don't give it anymore thought though, unless you wanna help out in some voluntary waySmile

Coffeemarkone · 25/07/2015 16:30

" *'excuse me, I'm not going to threaten you or anything, don't look so terrified "

if someone came up to me with this line I would tell them to fuck off out of my sight before I call the police....

nemno · 25/07/2015 16:31

I was approached at the railway station car park years ago by this woman . I always wondered if she had conned me until I read this article.

Snoozebox · 25/07/2015 16:39

Why the fuck would you give a junkie money to buy themselves more drugs? That just makes me really angry. How is it supposed to help them??

Binit · 25/07/2015 16:40

If you went to wilkinsons to save money on the cleaning stuff, it seems a bit counterproductive to then give some money away.

That said, people telling those types of story are often fibbing.

avocadotoast · 25/07/2015 16:44

Nope. It's a common trick round here.

My friend, who is lovely and very generously gives to a lot of people, was approached by a woman who's approached me a few times. She didn't have change but offered to wait with the woman for the bus and pay her on. Funnily enough she made her excuses and wandered off...

Coffeemarkone · 25/07/2015 16:49

"That just makes me really angry. How is it supposed to help them??"

it always amuses me, people coming out with this line, as though they were really bothered about 'helping' addicts or street people.

Original poster
pickingstrawberries · 25/07/2015 16:51

Don't know if she was a junkie. She might have been, she might just have needed money.

I quite like Wilkinson's. But it is in the less salubrious side of town.

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 25/07/2015 16:55

The kind offer not to threaten me would have got her a crisp 'Off you jolly well fuck' from me too. You're supposed to feel so grateful that you're not being threatened or mugged that you just cough up aren't you? Well fuck that. And I can hardly afford my own bad habits let alone anyone else's.
You can only support a limited amount of causes in life and I'm at that point. Subbing another's drug habit isn't on that list.

SergeantJarhead · 25/07/2015 16:56

YANBU. I won't give money to anybody who approaches me because it scares the living daylights out of me (AD). I once had a man who was 6'11 and heavily built with a camping bag over his shoulder approach me outside a second hand dvd/videogame store and state quite plainly he was asking people for whatever pennies they could spare as he was homeless and used alcohol to get through the nights, I gave him money because I appreciate the honesty.
On the other hand there was a bloke with a dog (yeah yeah, I know) Man was called Steve, dog was called Spike. So Steve is sat on the floor near a KFC, he didn't ask for anything, just a genuine smile and a 'good afternoon', I stopped to chat about his dog and how he ended up homeless and he told me. I asked him if he would prefer some food and a drink or money and he said food, not for himself but for his dog please. I went to KFC (it was closest :D ) and bought a bucket meal ... he gave all the boneless chicken to his dog, and only ate the bare minimum himself.
There are honest beggars and there are fibbers but all people deserve a little compassion right? Unless they scare the shit out of you and you've got no change xD

PtolemysNeedle · 25/07/2015 16:58

I would have given it to her, but I might not have done had it happened before the following.

I was once outside a hospital with a family member who has real financial difficulty and is far more badly off than I am when it comes to money, and we were approached by a man who was holding a tenner, asking for change for the car park. I was wary and my immediate thought was that he just wanted us to get a purse out so he could snatch it, and as I didn't have change for a tenner anyway I said no. The family member who I was with gave him three pounds for parking, and as she was finding her money and we chatted the man seemed more genuine, so I gave him some money as well. We didn't take his tenner because we hadn't given him that much, but we did give him enough for parking. He was extremely grateful, and really did try to give us his tenner.

I felt quite humbled by the whole thing and ashamed that while I could afford to give away a few quid far more easily than my family member, it was her that behaved far more generously than me. Since then, Ive decided to be less cynical and to give people the benefit of the doubt unless I have real reason to believe I'm under threat. It's just a nicer way to be, and small acts of kindness are important.

Battleshiphips · 25/07/2015 16:59

Aw sergeant that's actually brought a tear to my eye!

Original poster
pickingstrawberries · 25/07/2015 17:00

Normally I'm quite a soft touch, which is why if she'd just wanted £1 she'd have been more likely to have got it from me by just saying so, but the silly laugh and stupid performance annoyed me!

OP posts:
GotToFTFO · 25/07/2015 17:03

In Edinburgh there was a man who would go about on crutches asking for bus fare to get to a hospital appointment only to bee seen strolling home with the crutches under his arm.

There's a lot of beggars in Edinburgh most are junkies or Iranians but there are the occasional young people and non specific beggar.
what scares me the most is that there is a woman with half a leg amputated that begs everyday on the high street. No wheel chair or crutches in sight so she must get dropped off every morning to do it.

pumapants · 25/07/2015 17:03

I didn't realise the bus fare thing was just a line? A few weeks ago an elderly man (who looked a little worse for wear) asked for 20p to make up the money for his fare when stood next to me at a ticket machine in London. I had my purse in my hand wide open ready to pay for my own ticket so obviously gave it to him. Have I just fuelled some drug habit?! I feel a bit rubbish about it now.

ABTwife · 25/07/2015 17:04

I wouldn't have but then I live in a big city. When the same person doesn't recognise you but tells you the same story two days after you gave them money you get a bit cynical.

Same goes for the desperate story from a person saying they've been assaulted and in A and E or the Police station all night and they just need a bit of money to get home. While sporting an extremely grubby and old bandage/sling.

It's a scam. And I don't doubt many of these people are in desperate straits but the money they get won't be spent on a taxi home. It'll be spent on something else.

If you're happy to contribute to that then go ahead. I admit I've given a fiver or two to people that I know will spend it on drugs or booze. I've worked in MH a long time so if it's someone I know well that I don't work with anymore that will sex work instead or have a seizure through alcohol withdrawal then I've done it.

It's not right to collude with them and I wouldn't do it while being a professional in their lives because of boundaries but I have done it after. Lots of professionals would say that was unprofessional and shit and they're right but I struggle to walk away from people I know on the street.

But all those stories of being in an accident or needing cash to visit Mum or a crisis or whatever. ...common scams. They ask for less than a quid or slightly more because they know people will be suspicious or refuse if they ask for more.

But those little bits of cash add up over a day. Around Christmas or other festivals, sunny days etc, I've known homeless (they're not all homeless as in living on the streets but they don't have a home) or other people employing these scams earn quite a bit of money a day.

But that bit of money a day will never get them close to being housed or part of normal society even if they saved it for years.

Original poster
pickingstrawberries · 25/07/2015 17:06

Doubt 20p bought him much heroin!

Not really that arsed what the money is for. But don't come close to me with skanky teeth when I'm holding a precious delicate new creature!

OP posts:
RedButtonhole · 25/07/2015 17:18

I doubt her skanky teeth had much effect on your precious delicate new creature unless she actually tried to bite it or something Hmm

If that's your attitude, I don't think you actually feel as guilty as you were making out in the OP.

Original poster
pickingstrawberries · 25/07/2015 17:19

She did look unkempt and scruffy as I said and I did feel a bit threatened by her (ironically not until she said she wasn't threatening me!)

OP posts:
LovesYoungDream · 25/07/2015 17:22

I wouldn't but I'm always very sceptical of people begging/sob stories looking for money

SergeantJarhead · 25/07/2015 17:26

Battleships - he was a genuinely lovely bloke. There was another feller outside Lidl's looking to hopefully make a bit of money for himself, (homeless/down on his luck) and I asked him if he wanted a drink, he said he had one thanks but his dogs bottle was nearly empty so I bought water and a few tins of dog food for him. My mil thinks im a sucker but the dog (hopefully) didn't go hungry :D

I don't particularly give a shit how someone is dressed. Whether they're a multimillionaire or homeless.

ABTwife · 25/07/2015 17:27

You gave 20p. They've got all day to get 50 20ps to get a £10 hit of heroin. Some people will say no and some people will give a pound or more. It adds up.

I will not judge anyone for giving or refusing (as long as they're not abusive) and I won't criticise anyone for feeling uncomfortable or intimidated.

But that 'skanky toothed' person was once the delicate new creature you want to protect. Maybe they had a Mum like you that protected them and loved them and despite all that positive intervention they became addicted to something.

Or maybe they had no-one that loved and protected them. Maybe their life was so awful that they ended up begging a few pence from strangers.

Snoozebox · 25/07/2015 17:27

I'd never give money but I do like giving food. When I first moved to London a few years ago and came across the first beggar going down the Tube carriages I took him out for pizza because he told me he was hungry and we had a good chat. I enjoy giving food and company and can't say no to someone asking for that.

DH however disagrees and says that all I did was allowing said beggar to save his money so he has more to spend on drugs rather than spending some of it on the food he got from me. That upsets me. I also hate to think homeless people aren't being given enough food straight up from either charities or by strangers passing by.

nemo81 · 25/07/2015 17:28

I'm too soft.

I had a homeless guy ask me if i could get him a burger from McDonalds, i got him a whole meal.

A lady once asked for a couple of quid as she had ran out of electric. It was in the middle of winter and i'd hate to think of someone sitting in the dark freezing cold, so i gave her a few quid.

If i have what people less fortunate are asking me for i'll give it to them if i can.

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