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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you'd have given her money?

135 replies

pickingstrawberries · 25/07/2015 15:33

I just had to get some bleach and other cleaning materials as we had ran out and went to wilkinsons, which isn't in a very nice part of town here.

As I was getting out of the car a woman came up to me and said 'excuse me, I'm not going to threaten you or anything, don't look so terrified!' I was Hmm as I didn't look terrified, just a bit puzzled, and then she came up with this long story about how she was lost and stranded and needed 90p.

I didn't have any change on me anyway, and I didn't want to get my purse out or start faffing around (also had baby DD with me) and she just went away. She looked really scruffy and unkempt.

I feel as if I should have given her money - was I wrong?

OP posts:
Notso · 25/07/2015 19:09

Are you in North Wales OP?

notsmartenough · 25/07/2015 19:36

I agree it was probably a line.
I was approached at a bus stop by a man carrying a petrol can asking for £1 as he had run out of petrol and his kids were in the car. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and handed over the money. The first time anyway. A week later he was back - minus the petrol can - with the same story.

Bambambini · 25/07/2015 19:44

Sometimes i do and sometimes i don't. Don't like being approached like that though, i often give something to those just sitting quietly who are polite and non threatening.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 25/07/2015 19:59

i was told about a nappy and milk scammer (following people into Boots to get them to buy them)

When someone bought a pack of nappies for her own child then opened the pack to give a couple of emergency nappies the scammer kicked off hugely.

ListenWillYou · 25/07/2015 21:03

I would never give money to someone like this. All the best scammers are plausible. It amazes me that posters give so readily to other mumsnetters who post about their money worries. I think people are foolish and naive to fall for it. I give advice but I wouldn't dream of giving anything physical. I think begging threads even the cleverly disguised ones that claim to be just asking for money saving tips should be banned.

I give to food banks or charities where I know where the money is going. I rather my money is not used to fund scammers.

swallowed · 25/07/2015 21:06

No. I wouldn't have given her anything.

annandale · 25/07/2015 21:26

Not any more, I am harder and much less giving than I used to be. I have given a fair number of times in the past, usually because I was afraid. I stopped giving for a while when ds was small, and then one time gave again, more than before, and ever since then have wondered if that person overdosed and died - they looked so ill.

Original poster
pickingstrawberries · 25/07/2015 21:31

No, not in North Wales - why?

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 25/07/2015 21:39

I can be a total soft touch with these things and have often given money to/bought food for homeless people(generally the quieter, less assuming ones tbh) in town and once or twice topped up someones bus fare BUT I would have been put on alert by the 'don't worry I'm not threatening you, don't look so scared' and wouldn't have given her anything. Sounds much too much like a line and one that would likely worry some people

bertsdinner · 25/07/2015 21:56

I wouldnt have given her anything, it's a common scam and I'm a pretty cynical person.
I'm trying to be less cynical. There's a woman who sits outside a shop and quietly begs at my bus stop when I get off in the city where I work. She never asks, just sits. Other people buy her food, coffees or just stop and talk to her, she looks a lot happier than when she first appeared, and I feel quite moved that people can be so kind.
I still wouldnt have given the woman who approached you money, though.

Tinkypoooooooo · 25/07/2015 22:08

Her first response about threatening you was an indication that she is not what she seems so no I would not give it to her.
I don't give anything to anyone anymore because of a few experiences.

Had a begger sitting outside Morrisons asking for change, brought him a sandwich and drink which I told him I will do. When I exited the store he again asked me for money, I gave him the sandwich he said thanks looking like wtf
I watched him from my car and he continued to beg for money.
If he just wanted food like he said the money was for then why beg more people?

Another time gave a man who claimed he was locked out of his hostel money for a bus, he then came back begging for more money.

Never give them money, they usually are on benefits and when their JSA or esa is spent on their drugs they then turn to others. Others who already pay for them with their tax.

Original poster
pickingstrawberries · 25/07/2015 22:10

Well yes, but I can see he might not have been starving at that moment.

I mean, you need more stuff than food, don't you?

OP posts:
Myname15 · 25/07/2015 22:19

ABTwife your posts are fantastic.
It's actually really lovely to know that so many people do actually give a fuck. My god, the humiliation and constant fear of being a drug addict is completely overwhelming and hideous. And while of course everyone has shit in their lives, often the reasons why people fall into that, and destroy themselves, are so harrowing its difficult to believe that these things happen in a first world country.
That said though, you don't know if she was a drug addict at all.
I can't say being refused money ever gave me any incentive to stop using, it just made me consider ever more desperate measures. It just made me more frustrated and angry, not necessarily at people specifically but the world. As has been said, rather a fool than a bastard. Good saying, although I do think approaching people is quite aggressive and can totally understand being pissed off at that. Also feeling like you're being lied to is really shit.
However, if she was needing money for drugs, honesty is a fucking risky route. It almost feels as a beggar that your part in return should be to make the giver feel good, and "I really need money for drugs, else I might shit myself in public" I wouldn't imagine is often well received

Original poster
pickingstrawberries · 25/07/2015 22:21

I think I would have preferred 'excuse me, I am going through a hard time. Could you spare any money?'

I'd have probably given her some then.

But she did make me feel really uncomfortable and uneasy, though this was probably because like you say it must be an unpleasant thing to have to do. I just wanted her to get away from me and my baby to be honest.

OP posts:
Myname15 · 25/07/2015 22:26

Yeah, I can understand that. Don't get me wrong, I'm hardly a tolerant person. It's just quite weird seeing all this here,, and hearing folk talk, and remembering what its like

Gabilan · 25/07/2015 22:29

I rarely give money if asked on the street. I'm wary of getting a wallet out - but then I lived in Manchester for 5 years in the 1990s and it was rough as fuck then. I've given food to homeless people but if they don't want it or like it fair enough. I figure they've lost enough dignity without me expecting gratitude for giving them a sandwich. If I can, I buy the Big Issue and give money to Shelter.

Years ago someone at Cardiff Central station stopped me with some story about his friends being on the platform with tickets but he had no ticket and his mobile had a flat battery. Could he borrow my mobile? I wasn't about to hand my phone over to someone who looked like he could run faster than I can. However, I had some unused return parts of tickets that would get him to the platform side of the ticket barriers so he could meet his mates (and get to Exeter, but I don't think he was going there). I gave him one of those tickets as it cost me nothing but I knew it would help him if his story was genuine.

Pretty sure his story was genuine as a few minutes later I saw him on a platform, waiting for his train with a few friends.

LazyLohan · 25/07/2015 22:37

This reply has been deleted

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LazyLohan · 25/07/2015 22:38

If you genuinely are stranded you can report to the police station and they will give you a docket for free travel.

Sazzle41 · 26/07/2015 01:23

You did right thing. I have never given money and i get asked a lot in London. I did buy a 15 yr old sleeping rough by our office food - then googled homeless charities for children and rang them about him as he had been there 2weeks and other women i worked with were buying him food as well as he looked freezing and scared. He wasnt around after that so hopefully the charity found him.

Mermaidhair · 26/07/2015 01:32

I always give money if I can spare it. I to think if someone is desperate enough to ask then they must be in need for whatever reason. Drug abuse is a sickness. It is up to the person themselves to decide when it's time to get help. These people have tragic stories. I don't think it's for me to judge. I must admit that I don't like the stories that some people come up with. I have only given once in that circumstance. He wanted money for petrol for his car, I challenged him on it and he admitted he was hungry and just wanted food. We went into McDonald's together and had a meal. If I was living on the street I think I may want a bottle of wine to ease the discomfort.

Garlick · 26/07/2015 01:48

Same as everyone else who said they'd give change if it was to hand. It's not my role to judge whether someone's "worth it" or not. If they're that desperate, they're more desperate than me - and I'm dirt poor!

The only beggars I have made a point of not giving to are the ones dragging their children around to spin a 'poor little mite' story. In this country, you can get food for kids even if nothing else. I have been known to lecture one or two of those mothers Blush

donyourway · 26/07/2015 01:51

Can i have 90p or whatever for the bus is the general beg from drug addicts where we are. I don't entertain them myself. You're not doing them any favours feeding their addiction and i hav

donyourway · 26/07/2015 01:53

ooops accidently pressed the post buttom lol, anyway i have better things to spend my money on than someone else's drugs.

TiredButFine · 26/07/2015 01:53

The longer the story the more likely it's a lie. In my defence, whilst I don't give to the "lost bus fare" typ, I do support a lot of work with the homeless/drug and alcohol dependent but I will not give cash. A pasty/butty/drink of juice yes but money, no.
A woman round here ( london) built her story up to " my bloke threw me out and hit me and my kids..." I told her I would call the police for her if she was under threat and she went to hit me then abused me as I walked away.
Drug addiction is a terrible thing but I won't support it. It makes people do terrible things so I won't fund it but neither do I blame them, they are desparate and will tell any old story to raise cash for drugs

zippey · 26/07/2015 04:01

If it was 90p, it cant have been far. Unless she had a physical disability, she can walk, exercise is good.

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