To be annoyed at being asked at work to prepare drinks and serve lunch

[Livingtothefull]

I work in an office with around 4 other people, all female, and have been here about 6 months. A couple in the office are PAs and there is a more junior person who supports them & me. I work in a recognised profession and was employed specifically in that professional capacity in a new standalone role; because mine is broadly speaking a 'back office' rather than customer faced role I have been put together in the department with the others although our jobs are largely separate.

It so happens that there is a meeting next week for which a sandwich lunch has been ordered and none of the others will be in the office that day....I have been asked to make sure the sandwiches are laid out and make the teas/coffees.

I am quite prepared to be told I am being arrogant and over precious but: AIBU to be really annoyed about this? I don't intend to denigrate anyone who has chosen a PA role; they are often very talented/qualified people in my experience. Also it is not that I am not willing to support colleagues and muck in when necessary.

But I have worked really hard and studied in my own time & expense to achieve senior professional status and get respect, and so I could do interesting work in the office which I have chosen to do. I also need to get taken seriously so that colleagues understand what I can bring to the business & approach me for support, this is already proving challenging. It is quite a traditional company & I have already been introduced by a senior manager to staff as 'the new (profession name) Assistant' (not my correct job title).

So I think some people are already confused about what my role is. How is it going to help if I am seen to carrying jugs of tea & fruit juice, and trays of sandwiches for meetings?

The meeting by the way is mostly internal and all male..I am not involved in it at all. I am annoyed that it always seems to be the women by default who are asked to do these tasks (there are various male workers in support roles who never get asked).

presumably there is a meeting organiser? I would email them and say that you've been asked to do this by him:her/X but that providing catering and covering for X, Y colleague is not part of your role and suggest s/he makes alternative arrangements.

I definitely do want to tackle it rather than just moan here....as the general consensus seems to be that IABU I need to find a way to handle it gracefully.

Where I work the people involved in the meeting would organise lunch between themselves if no support staff were available to do it.

You need to talk to your manager.

That's a really good point Hissy, I will have to take a risk and speak up for things to change. I actually really like the job/company apart from this & don't want to leave.

"I don't understand why I've been asked to do this when I am not involved in the meeting. Please could you asked one of the PAs to do it"

Ignore the fact that the PAs aren't in, that's not your problem, and also suggests that someone who is involved in the meeting should be sorting the food.

Better to be thought of as difficult than to be a doormat. You need to challenge this behaviour every time or you are colluding in it, and perpetuating the attitude. It's not easy but it is essential.

Who asked you to do it?

I'm sorry to say I was wrong footed at the time I was asked & although I didn't say 'yes' outright I just sat there & let the person tell me what needed to be done.

Scheduling an important meeting is probably the best way out of this one, will let them know on Monday.

This is such a typical way of keeping professional women in their place, and it was commonplace in the 80s. It seems we've not progressed very far.

You need to confront this issue every time it arises. No fetching coffee in meetings, no taking the minutes, no automatically getting into the back seat of cars. All these little ways of conferring inferior status on someone, you have resist every time.

And you may get a reputation as "difficult" - which is just another way of putting women down, or you may get respect. But the alternative is lose/lose for you.

So much of career progression is about how you are seen - not about how well you're doing your job.

If you feel you've absolutely backed yourself into a corner on this occasion, and can't manufacture a meeting, ring the local sandwich shop/caterers and ask them to deliver and lay out the lunch, so that you are not seen running about with plates of food.

Cover for absent PA's is their problem to sort, not yours because you are female and someone got your job title wrong. Why are all support staff out on same day? If its next week someone in advance knew this and approved it. I've never worked anywhere where that would have got signed off unless once or twice when a surgery or bereavenment happened to clash with prebooked holiday so a temp was needed due to high volume of support required (large companies so not do-able to muddle thru without support).

I'd personally have a word with HR and set out the ground rules now tbh. Otherwise once you do it, it will keep happening. If they arent supportive I would move on an soon as looks ok cv wise.

One of the PAs asked me but not sure where the request originated from.

I will talk to my manager as covering for the PAs is nowhere in my job role. And I am not sure this task is appropriate even for the PAs who otherwise are dealing with really high level stuff...but that is for them to take up.

You can set a precedent by legitimately not being available. Tackling something head on is not always the best option.

I'd say I was unavailable, but also make a point of asking why it was you who was chosen to step up to this role, probably in an email to whoever was chairing the meeting. I'd appreciate a response in writing that stated their motives in choosing you. Make them think about it and reveal the thought process, it might make them squirm a little bit to have to type that your owning of a vagina really adds to the sandwich making experience.

How re your costs/charges managed? We have to time sheet for tasks/projects so inout business its easy to say - "sure - but you know my chargeout rate is £200an hour. If you are happy to pay for my time then I'm happy to be your gopher but would it make more sense for jon the salesman to do because his rate is half of mine"
do you have anything like that that you can use?

Sounds a bit odd. Who asked you and what did they say at the time? Do they realise you're not even in the meeting? Very senior people will muck in with fetching stuff where I work if they're actually involved, but can't imagine being brought in if I wasn't involved (professional but not senior).

Could you tactfully misunderstand and delegate the job to someone who is appropriate to do it?
"Ah B, PA asked me to let you know the food for the meeting is here. I can give you a hand carrying plates if you need."

If you do end up helping, start conversations about the professional aspect as you do so. Introduce yourself to anyone you don't know (if appropriate, don't know how big your firm is or if you know everyone) by your proper job title. Ask how the meeting's going. Try to get your experience and expertise into the room. You're just helping out as the PAs aren't here, hope you don't spill the coffee, you'd really be much more use at . Help them remember your face so they're more likely to think of you next time they need someone in your area of expertise. Being a person who's prepared to muck in and help out can be a good thing professionally.

OneHandFlapping - you have nailed it I think. When you are a recognised professional in your field there is a real though subtle difference in the way people treat you. Not something I can put a finger on - but I know when I talk to them in a professional capacity when they recognise (when they don't agree on anything) that I am a professional and know what I am talking about.

But these things happen and I feel that they are really undermining...worse, it is hard to tackle because it is unthinking and you are seen as 'difficult' in tackling it which cuts right across any desire to fit in with, and be supportive of, new colleagues.

x-post you already answered who asked you. That's good it was probably just PA not thinking rather than a manager thinking that was your job. Definitely delegate then.

You could try saying 'is there any particular reason why I have been asked to take charge of the lunch as I am not actually attending the meeting.' Personally, I'd just do it because there's nothing worse than somebody who thinks certain jobs are beneath them. Even if they are. Though I do understand why you're a bit annoyed that it's you and not somebody else.

is there a male member of staff available to do it?
If yes, I would ask why it has fallen to you to sort out the lunch
say you have no issue with it but you are curious

i think your point about confusion on status is valid

my office is very aware of this sort of thing but they would likely ask people who were involved in the meeting to sort it. we like to make sure no one is "above" getting lunch which really helps in all sorts of ways

The PAs are involved in other issues at the time ie other meetings.

I just don't want to be seen as the 'default' person to go to when the PAs aren't available. I have already been asked to book a taxi for a visitor...got out of that one by saying I was about to go into a meeting & giving them the taxi number.

Poppy that is a very unpleasant image you've conjured up there

If you were involved in the meeting I'd say YABU, but as you're not then somebody who is involved should do it.
Does the PA who asked definitely know what your job role is? Or are you particularly friendly with her? I've helped out with things like that before when it's meetings of a colleague I'm friendly with asking me as a favour, but to just be asked because you are a woman is unacceptable. I'd arrange a meeting and if it happens again then say no from the outset.

It's not at all that I think certain jobs are beneath me. At times when it is all hands on deck I am happy to help with everything and frequently offer to help with even the most menial of tasks.

But at other times I feel it is inappropriate and threatens to undermine me. How to make the distinction between what is/isn't appropriate and communicate that to others?