DH always frustrated. Is he BU or AIBU to be sensitive?

[ToFleaOrNotToFlea]

Hello all, DH seems to always be frustrated in our relationship to the point where he has little outbursts of sulking, moodiness and swearing. The things which particularly set him off are if the house is slightly untidy (it is always pristine). Or if he needs to work in the garden he carries it out with an air of annoyance. He says he cannot relax until things are tidy and jobs are done. When he has these outbursts, it makes me feel like I want to do a number 2 - it chills me and makes me feel on the edge. He knows this but carries on anyway, stating that he is not being unreasonable about being frustrated from time to time.

However, it has really got me down and I always seem to be anticipating his mood. He has said some really mean things that I can't shake off and I feel a bit damaged. He also puts that down to not really meaning it and being frustrated at the time.

So any little outburst of frustration from him will really affect me to the point that I feel I can't be with him anymore. When I confront the behaviour, he just brushes it of as me not being able to deal with adults getting annoyed.

Last weekend, for example, we went to an event and were stuck in traffic. My way of dealing with it would be 'oh well, annoying, but we can't do anything about it' kind of thing.

His reaction was to keep banging the steering wheel, swearing, growling, going on and on about how we always fail, and we should have got up earlier and we are always rubbish. He kept saying he was goin to have a breakdown - and the atmosphere in the car was blue. DS aged 4 was in the back saying nothing, being a good little boy. I said to DH, why don't you walk if you are frustrated and I will drive and meet you there(I had seen on my phone map that we were 1.7 miles away). He spitted that I always say stuff that doesn't mean anything and don't know what I am on about, and how could I expect him to walk on a verge with stingers. He chose to stay in the car and keep complaining that we were missing all the best stuff.

We finally got there and we didn't miss the best stuff, but there was a bit of a walk to the arena. DS is only little and cannot walk fast but I could see DH face getting more and more annoyed as he cannot walk slow.

On the way home, I confronted him about his behaviour and said he behaved like a prick. I know I should not have use that name (but it was the first time I used any insult in 16 years of being together and it was probably the first time I stood up to him).

He did not take kindly to that and rolled his eyes, shut down the conversation and refused to help me navigate home. There were several roads closed and I didn't know where I was going. I asked him if I should go right and he made out he didn't know (with attitude). I proceeded to turn right and it was wrong and he screamed at me (turn fucking left!!!!) luckily DS was sleeping.

A horrible atmosphere followed for a couple of days. I apologised for using the p word. Suggested couples counselling (which was originally his idea but he was now saying he would feel uncomfortable and embarrassed talking in front of a stranger).

I asked him if he wanted something to eat for dinner one evening and he didn't answer me or look at me. I asked him again, he said yes please. I made him the dinner which he was pleased with because afterwards he was hugging me. So confusing, he oscillates from moods to being happy i can't keep up with it.

When I tried to discuss it last night again, he shut it down and made it my problem that people get frustrated from time to time and I am unable to deal with this which is normal. I said it isn't acceptable if it makes me feel terrible and he replied in a sarcastic tone that he was sorry for getting frustrated and disturbing 'your lovely life'.

I know the traffic situation seems minor, but it is just to illustrate. It makes my stomach feel tight and puts me on edge.

Who has the problem? Is it me being sensitive, or is it quite common for partners to behave this way when they are annoyed?

Thanks

Oh good luck OP.

I left. My life is so much easier now. Me and the children have a lovely, calm, noisy, often untidy home. We take our time. We relax. It's wonderful.

It took some time after leaving for me to slow down. I did everything in a rush, from food shopping to rushing home from work to hanging the washing on the line. I would feel panicky when the children took a while to settle at night but now we take our time.

Well done for deciding to make a change. You won't regret it I promise.

Like AF and many others on this thread, my dad was like this. Like yourself, my mum used to continually make excuses for him and find reasons why she it wasn't bad enough to leave, while simultaneously confiding her frustrations about him in me since I was about 6. Yet if I tried to tell her I had a problem with his behaviour she would tell me I was being oversensitive and make out like it was my problem.

During my teenage years I had extensive emotional and behavioural problems and mental health issues. I used to come into conflict with my dad on a regular basis because unlike the rest of my family I didn't see why I should have to put up with any of his shit. This got me labelled as a problem teenager when actually I had problem parents.

Notice I say problem parents rather than problem father because my mum was complicit in his abuse and who knows probably liked him treating me like that because it took the heat off her. Into my twenties I had extensive problems with forming relationships and emotional self-regulation which only sorted itself out in my thirties after a lot of therapy.

I never sorted out my relationship with my dad but I have a good relationship with my mum now, although we don't talk about my childhood as we have different views about it and I now have very strong boundaries between myself and the rest of my family. My siblings have all ended up in abusive relationships. I don't know what my life would have been like if my parents had split up and who knows if it would have been any better. I would hope it would have helped me to have better boundaries from an earlier age tho as I would have learnt how to enforce what was and what was not acceptable in my intimate relationships. However, as I am now able to do this anyway, maybe for me it was just a useful learning experience.

Your relationship WILL be impacting upon your child so I am glad you have posted here and are considering your options.

I hope you make the right choice for you and your child

toflea, question for you: why are the feelings of his parents something that you feel responsibility for?
Does your DH feel that sense of responsibility? Do they feel that responsibility towards you and your feelings?

Sorry for all you people who have suffered as adults due to angry parents.

I feel responsible for pil feelings as they are like second parents to me. They had their first holiday ruined on news of their BPD daughter attempting suicide.

They see our holiday as the jolly holiday and enjoy spending time with their DGS which is why the booked to go away with us in the first place.

I have tried to talk to dmil about DH and have tried to explain something and said 'you don't really know him' and she said 'oh yes I do'. She must know what he is like surely.

Go and speak to her. Tell her you can't live with the constant digs and aggression anymore. Her son has created this situation, not you. They're adults, they'll get over it.

I wish you well. Stay strong

She may know what he is like but don't assume you can trust/rely on her, even if you have a good relationship with her. she is his mother not yours and when it comes down to the wire will most likely look after his well being first and foremost.

Do stay strong and hang in there. Taking the first step is the hardest.

And the bipolar SIL backstory doesn't change anything, you should still not go on the holiday.
It's one holiday, in the grand scheme of the things it honestly won't matter

She knows what he is like OP, she just doesn't want to believe it and while you pretend all is fine and have happy holidays then she never has to face up to the truth.

You are not responsible for their feelings, your husband is responsible for this situation and so their feelings. You need to remind yourself of that because while you accept responsibility for their feelings you will be disinclined to go against your husband in case it upsets them.

Can you honestly say PIL have never ever seen even a hint of your husbands controlling and abusive behaviour? Or have they minimised it too? I would say they are in denial and as such are putting you and your son in danger on emotional abuse and possible violence at some point by pretending your husband is a good man when actually he's the opposite. They are therefore condoning and actively supporting his abuse by not supporting you both and you should get pissed about that OP because good parents/PIL don't do that.

agree with everyone else.
leave.
take the kids and go.
he'll never, ever change.

Angry parents are terrifying for children and it will affect your DS as he gets older. Leaving could be the catalyst for your partner to change. If he doesn't change you're doing the right thing by calling time on a relationship with a bully.

Be brave. Good luck.

Op, as someone else mentioned break that cycle for your DS and I wouldn't go on the holiday. You can still take your DS around to see the GP's, you haven't got to stop contact with them. It would be good if your husband uses the time you are away to get some professional help for his issues but I doubt that. Please be strong and you are very brave.

Thank you all. I am going to broach subject of me moving out tonight

Understatement of the year, OP! He's not "frustrated". He's emotionally abusive. He sounds a lot like someone I know, whose partner has been completely trodden into the ground by his constant moods, emotional manipulation and verbal attacks. The partner (who is my friend) calls me about once a month and endlessly dissects the details of his latest outburst and the associated circumstances, as if there is something somewhere in the situation that explains his behaviour and makes it ok. In my mind, there are no circumstances in which I would accept this kind of crap. The person I'm taking about often says he is depressed or burnt out. It sounds like your husband might have some similar issues, and whilst that may go some way towards an explanation of his behaviour, it's certainly not an excuse.

I'm glad you are tackling this OP.
Good luck tonight.
Be strong and be assertive.
Make lots of notes about you want to say to make sure you don't miss anything.
Makes notes of examples as well, you have plenty of them.

I also want to add that, like several PPs, my own DF was also like this when I was a child. I think he's a little bit bipolar/mild borderline. It has made me unduly anxious as an adult. For example, I don't like speaking in meetings because I anticipate being ridiculed in front of the whole group. At university, when I had finished presenting my dissertation, my research advisor said "Well, that was very good", and for a few seconds before he continued speaking, I was convinced he had said wasn't, and fully expected him to start telling me how much I sucked, in front of everyone. I was constantly in tears during exams because I thought I would fail. I got a 2:1 and my dissertation got a first. I don't say that as a stealth boast, but to illustrate how I generally expect to be told I'm not good enough, even when I objectively do well. I think that's pretty common with those of us who have grown up with this kind of parents, my sister is the same.

You know what is the worst about your OP? You list all his shitty behaviour and then go on to say that you apologised and then cooked him a nice dinner.

'we always fail' and 'we are always rubbish'. Thats negative automatic thoughts. And 'catastrophising'. Huge red flags of depression. Thats not a normal response to a bit of traffic. Does he always over react, making small stuff a catastrophe? Is he depressed? He sounds abusive in that he is making it your problem - and negative and angry. Does he have anything to be angry about? Is he happy at work or with life in general?

You need to suggest he does counselling on his own (use him being embarrassed , say only counsellor will hear and she has heard it all before). You need to see someone on your own as you need to suss out whether this is solveable and how you manage it if you stay. I couldnt deal with someone that negative over small stuff day in day out - it wears you down.
.

Yes Sazzle, I agree he could be depressed, it certainly runs in his family. And to say his life is on average meaningless day to day is definitely a sign of depression. He cannot cope with small things like lots of post, he puts it in the drawer to make it tidy; and he went off one one about my son's toy that was on the mat. He said he wanted to come home from work and for once it be tidy (it is tidy apart from one toy, my DS is not messy, he has been taught well). Instead of coming in from work or a mountain biking trip, he won't drop everything to play with DS, he will come in and demand it to be tidied up a bit. He says he can't relax unless everything is spotless. His DM has everything spotless and did everything and I guess he now expects the same; or he is OCD.

I have seen a little place for rent and I am going to tell DH i would like to remove myself from our unhappy situation and go there.

OP don't say 'you would like' to him, say that you are- or better, tell him too to leave and rent somewhere else. Don't make it his choice or even slightly up to him.

Even if he is depressed, it wouldn't excuse his behaviour- not one bit. It could end up being a reason but it may turn out he's not depressed at all and just likes being controlling. Even if it is depression then he needs get help for it and break out of bad behaviour rather then destroy you and terrify his child. As someone mentioned above, perhaps if he is depressed and not just an unpleasant bully then he will have the motivation to seek help?

My dF was like this - he's since been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

It was a nightmare when me and db were kids. We walked on eggshells and were so afraid.

OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing both for yourself and, even more importantly, for your child by leaving that pathetic excuse of a husband and father. I am yet another poster who can testify to the horrors of growing up in a household that was, frankly, tyrannised by an abusive "father". I wish with all my heart that my mother had had the courage to leave. For all that she tried to protect us, it was impossible - and the emotional scars will never completely leave me. I'm so glad that you are willing to do better than that for your child.

Hello all, I spoke to DH tonight and said I wanted to move out as we were not getting on very well and the distance will be good. I said I had found a little rental but couldn't afford to cover it by myself and would he be guarantor. He was shocked and said he wondered why I mentioned counselling if I didn't really want to give it a go. I said I had been giving it a go for years now and he said, the trouble with me is that I couldn't cope with adult life - that people get frustrated with each other, it's normal. And he said my mum had done everything for me and I couldn't do anything for myself. He said he wouldn't be guarantor as he already paid for everything, including our holiday (erm-we both did!) and he wouldn't pay for me to move out. He also made a dig that I have lived in lots of lovely homes - in a sarcastic tone.

I said that I understood, that he was always going to blame me and I was a bad person and he has no responsibility in any of this. He said I wasn't making an effort as I didn't sleep in same bed as he. I said how can I after the vile things he has said. I offered to show him a list and he said, 'oh you just sit there every night looking at your list do you?'

I said goodnight and went to the spare room. He later followed and got into bed with me for a 'cuddle'. When I refused to participate, he got out and went in his own bed.

Thoughts please?

Run. Take your ds and RUN. He will never change, you and your ds deserve better. Go to your friend's house and correct Women's Aid. Don't ask him for anything, it'll just be another hold over you. Stop being so nice and understanding. He doesn't love or respect you. Go, and don't look back.