DH always frustrated. Is he BU or AIBU to be sensitive?

[ToFleaOrNotToFlea]

Hello all, DH seems to always be frustrated in our relationship to the point where he has little outbursts of sulking, moodiness and swearing. The things which particularly set him off are if the house is slightly untidy (it is always pristine). Or if he needs to work in the garden he carries it out with an air of annoyance. He says he cannot relax until things are tidy and jobs are done. When he has these outbursts, it makes me feel like I want to do a number 2 - it chills me and makes me feel on the edge. He knows this but carries on anyway, stating that he is not being unreasonable about being frustrated from time to time.

However, it has really got me down and I always seem to be anticipating his mood. He has said some really mean things that I can't shake off and I feel a bit damaged. He also puts that down to not really meaning it and being frustrated at the time.

So any little outburst of frustration from him will really affect me to the point that I feel I can't be with him anymore. When I confront the behaviour, he just brushes it of as me not being able to deal with adults getting annoyed.

Last weekend, for example, we went to an event and were stuck in traffic. My way of dealing with it would be 'oh well, annoying, but we can't do anything about it' kind of thing.

His reaction was to keep banging the steering wheel, swearing, growling, going on and on about how we always fail, and we should have got up earlier and we are always rubbish. He kept saying he was goin to have a breakdown - and the atmosphere in the car was blue. DS aged 4 was in the back saying nothing, being a good little boy. I said to DH, why don't you walk if you are frustrated and I will drive and meet you there(I had seen on my phone map that we were 1.7 miles away). He spitted that I always say stuff that doesn't mean anything and don't know what I am on about, and how could I expect him to walk on a verge with stingers. He chose to stay in the car and keep complaining that we were missing all the best stuff.

We finally got there and we didn't miss the best stuff, but there was a bit of a walk to the arena. DS is only little and cannot walk fast but I could see DH face getting more and more annoyed as he cannot walk slow.

On the way home, I confronted him about his behaviour and said he behaved like a prick. I know I should not have use that name (but it was the first time I used any insult in 16 years of being together and it was probably the first time I stood up to him).

He did not take kindly to that and rolled his eyes, shut down the conversation and refused to help me navigate home. There were several roads closed and I didn't know where I was going. I asked him if I should go right and he made out he didn't know (with attitude). I proceeded to turn right and it was wrong and he screamed at me (turn fucking left!!!!) luckily DS was sleeping.

A horrible atmosphere followed for a couple of days. I apologised for using the p word. Suggested couples counselling (which was originally his idea but he was now saying he would feel uncomfortable and embarrassed talking in front of a stranger).

I asked him if he wanted something to eat for dinner one evening and he didn't answer me or look at me. I asked him again, he said yes please. I made him the dinner which he was pleased with because afterwards he was hugging me. So confusing, he oscillates from moods to being happy i can't keep up with it.

When I tried to discuss it last night again, he shut it down and made it my problem that people get frustrated from time to time and I am unable to deal with this which is normal. I said it isn't acceptable if it makes me feel terrible and he replied in a sarcastic tone that he was sorry for getting frustrated and disturbing 'your lovely life'.

I know the traffic situation seems minor, but it is just to illustrate. It makes my stomach feel tight and puts me on edge.

Who has the problem? Is it me being sensitive, or is it quite common for partners to behave this way when they are annoyed?

Thanks

I know you will get a lot of people saying he is abusive, and he is certainly behaving that way.

But if this is relatively new, and he is talking about having a breakdown and seeing everything very negatively, then I would wonder whether he is clinically depressed.

Acting out is much more common in men who are depressed than in women.

Of course, that does not help you if he won't admit that possibility and seek help

This isn't healthy for you or your son. Ds1 tries to do this - I tell him it's not fair to stress everyone else out and he needs to calm down.

It's hugely selfish, with an attitude of everyone around me must be influenced by my mood.

You can't let this carry one. Can just the two of you go out to a neutral area (pub, restaurant) and talk.

If he's not going to change, you need to think seriously about the future of your relationship.

I agree with the pp who said tell him you want a separation. Explain to him that his behaviour is abusive and he cannot control his environment to the extent he wants to. If there's mess around then he's got legs and arms - sort it without a word if it bothers him so much.
Does he play any sports? Tell him to get a hobby, a blood test and have a chat with his gp.
This worked for my dh who was often 'frustrated' too (but not to that extent). My dh actually knew sometimes his behaviour was unacceptable and didn't want to be like that so he took steps to ease up. His frustration came from not feeling in control of his environment. He's very anal about things and as an only child, was used to order and things just so.
If that doesn't work, then you have to leave. You cannot live your life feeling so stressed all the time. Your physical and mental health will suffer and so will your child.

BTW You are not being sensitive and this is an intolerable strain on you and will affect your child. My father suffered from depression when I was in my 20s (which began with snappiness, irritability and constant negativity, but then morphed into stupor and suicidal thoughts) and I do wonder at times whether my mum should have stayed with him.

This is no way to live your life, every moment trying to appease him to keep the peace.

Your boy will grow up keeping quiet around his dad just to avoid any outbursts and will become withdrawn and scared.

This is a man who won't be prepared to admit he needs help, I'd be looking to separate and concentrate on my child, it's not a happy life is it , as it is.

Why does the OP need to report the thread and get it moved to Relationships? There's good advice here already.

Yes, he's abusive. As a pp said, couples counselling is inappropriate where there is abuse. I'd be removing yourself and your child from him - and saying that only if he has successful help for his anger issues would you even consider resuming the relationship. I'd be reluctant to allow him to see his son unsupervised too.

Sorry OP but this is above and way beyond normal behaviour from him. The good part of that is that there is hope of a life free from this. You have been given some great advice here. I hope you can find happiness for you and your DS. X

Walking on eggshells is an awful way to live ( have been in a similar relationship myself).

Please consider leaving - you and DS deserve a far nicer life than this

I read the first part of this post expecting to reply 'yes, my DH is a bit like this' because he tends to be a perfectionist and gets frustrated when things go wrong.

But then I carried on reading and my jaw hit the floor. My DH would find the traffic thing irritating too (in fact that is a good example of the kind of thing that annoys him), but he would have huffed and tutted a bit. Swearing, banging the steering wheel, saying he would have a breakdown Getting annoyed with DS for walking at toddler speed, refusing to help you navigate home? And then in your OP you described this as minor

This is far beyond normal behaviour. He is a prick OP.

OP, really sorry you are going through this. I feel concerned about your reaction when DH behaves like this. It's a physiological fear reaction that seems quite strong. Perhaps you feel used to it because you're always in the environment. But I'd suggest it's actually a deep rooted fear that is far beyond reasonable, everyday feelings. Maybe something from your distant past? If you feel like that, do you think also your DS is also experiencing fear? I used to get the same feelings when I was a child with parents who rowed all the time, unexpectedly and often violently. It caused me post traumatic stress decades later.
Have you considered going to your go with your concerns?

Ladyconstance - you are probably right that my reaction to his actions come from childhood. My dad didn't have the best upbringing himself, and could be short tempered, call my DM names (fat cow) and slam doors and sulk. He would then go out and do his hobby and come back with a bunch of flowers from asda as an apology for DM and everything would carry on as normal. DM never challenged DF as she didn't want to make an even worse atmosphere in front of me and DB. And also as she didn't really love him (went into the relationship to escape her abusive childhood), she wasn't really affected by his attitude as she was so distanced.

I think this explains why i have put up for things for so long. However, DH knows all this - he has witnessed my DF lose it on the road before - and then carries on acting like a bull in a china shop at times.

Think of your child. Such an enclosed place and he was forced to witness it and hear it.

Bairns are affected by this sort of stuff even if it doesn't come out until later on.

It's the double standard of it all. You have to deal with his shit 'like an adult' but he gets to behave as childishly as he wants because he's 'frustrated'? He ought to grow up and act like a proper husband and dad but that doesn't sound likely. Sadly I agree you'd be better away from him as would your DS.

My dad had/has a bad temper (although nothing like your DH) and even now I get quite anxious if I feel a row/bad mood is brewing (not just limited to him). Your son deserves to grow up in peace and calm. If DH is willing to try to change, I'd stick with him for now, but if he won't even acknowledge that this is unacceptable, then I would live apart.

I felt a knot in my stomach form reading your post. It is definitely NOT you that is the problem.

I can only imagine how this must be ruining your life. I'm not experienced to offer any advice but he sounds like he needs help of some kind - either to address the cause of his anger or to make different choices in how he deals with it. If he refuses to get help despite the toll it's taking on you and the children, I would see that as a very serious indictment of the marriage.

Also, you are absolutely right to challenge him but could I suggest that you don't do it in the car (too difficult for either person to cool off and your child is trapped in the environment with you). Really it would be better to avoid doing it in front of your child because let's face it, he's not going to take it well is he.

Feather - I made sure DS was fast asleep and he didn't know anything about it I promise. You are right though, the car was probably not the place.

I asked him if he would go and see a psychologist and he laughed. He said he doesn't need any help (thinks I is me) and even though he suggested couples counselling, is now saying he would prefer not to do it. I have also asked him to go to the dr in the last and he didn't.

He sounds horrible. My DH does it to a much lesser extent, the aggression when driving and sometimes moodiness and snappiness for no apparent reason (he also denies that he's doing that when confronted too). It's unpleasant and depressing, you feel like you're walking on eggshells, yours sounds 10 x worse. I don't often say this. LTB.

OP you said he now does not want counselling, although he suggested it. I think you would benefit from counselling, living with this fear in your stomach isn't good for you. You know it isn't, as you've asked about the situation on here. You need some support from someone unconnected. Don't listen to what DH tells you you should think/feel/say, he just makes it up depending on his mood. I know someone who had a similar situation. She didn't yet LTB (yet....) however she now says after counselling, he can't hurt me. I know it's a problem in his head, whatever I do can't change that.

I feel sick at the thought of living with a man like this. If you don't want your son yo grow up the same way you really should make steps to independence.

I am the child of an environment like this. Looking back, I think my DF has undiagnosed problems. The impact on DS will be far reaching. Please, OP, either encourage your DH to get appropriate help or, unfortunately, LTB. Other posters are right when they mention the fight or flight response. Listen to it.

Like smudge I too felt a knot in my stomach on reading your OP.Imagine how yourv4 year old feels .Tlme to stand up to this bully.(Unusual for jeanseburg not to have RTFT),

Yarp you're talking bollocks. Being depressed does not mKe you into an abusive, controlling twatty bully.

OP. You are being abused and controlled and so is your child.

My ex was also like this.
I walked on eggshells, could never do things right. (He also had a drink problem which did not help).
If he doesn't want to change, there is little you can do... I suggest you think of your own boundaries- ie what is or is not acceptable to you. If he really won't accept these boundaries, them it is time for you to consider your future.

I know exactly what you mean about the stress going straight to your insides! It turns you into a nervous wreck, I do sympathise.
But you have the choice of whether to accept living like this. It's not an easy choice, but it is there.